"Call it modesty if you like, but modesty is precariously close to shame."
I really dislike feeling like I can't do something I really want to do. Got upset reading one of the books, this one about reviving sensations in numbed up relationships (married, 15+ years). One of the biggest parts was simultaniously masterbating, to get both partners to realize "they aren't necessary for eachother to acchieve orgasm."
Today I gave Tyler such a great orgasm that I nearly choked on it. He melted beautifuly and I took pride in doing that for him. We cuddled as usual and after he was able to speak in more than a few words he said "I owe you. Big time." and a bit later "I really owe you a lot."
I don't like the whole deal of 'owing' eachother favors, but it is unbalanced. We've talked over it. Mostly for the fact that it is much easier for me to do things for him that for him to do thiongs for me. We havn't been short of trying, I can assure you. He's gotten me far when my body was apparently ready, he's worked on me for over an hour before. I've just layed in my bed attempting to masterbate, with him there or not. Sometimes sensations come up, most of the time they don't and I tend to forget them, but nothing sends me over the edge.
We've gotten better, we're very understanding, we try a lot together, and still sex is not the central part of our relationship. I once asked Juice about it several months ago, he said that it just deals with the girl being very focused and wanting it, and the lack of distractions. If the girl needs the guy to be quiet for her to make it, then she should just tell him. Discussed such with Tyler, he knows to listen. He wants me to make it so -I- can experience what I've been giving him this whole time. I already know it's not an end-all euphoria, but it seems to wipe your mind clean for at least a short bit. I want that, I really really do.
Still very afraid there's something wrong with me, be it mental scarring, extremely difficult placement of trigger points, or that I'm just not capable in the first place. I don't really know what I'm looking for, but I've walked the first few steps over and over to not get anywhere.
Going to look up what I can with the glorious internetz and just forget sleeping. I feel too hurt to get to sleep and crying it out didn't help at all. *shakes head* I really wanted to talk to Tyler a little while ago, but his family is currently in a temp appartment and the only phone is his mom's cell.
Seems so often that when I need him, I can't reach him without raising alarms from other people, so I just don't try.
Was thinking, they portray orgasm as being lost in the emotion and sensation of pleasure. The only emotion I've gotten so completely lost in was when I was in so much internal pain from all the shit stuck in my head in San Diego, not a pleasant thing to think back on. Maybe that's why I can't, that emotion could have filled in that possible slot in my brain.
What a wonderful waste of a person I seem to be sometimes.
Fuck sleep...
Today I gave Tyler such a great orgasm that I nearly choked on it. He melted beautifuly and I took pride in doing that for him. We cuddled as usual and after he was able to speak in more than a few words he said "I owe you. Big time." and a bit later "I really owe you a lot."
I don't like the whole deal of 'owing' eachother favors, but it is unbalanced. We've talked over it. Mostly for the fact that it is much easier for me to do things for him that for him to do thiongs for me. We havn't been short of trying, I can assure you. He's gotten me far when my body was apparently ready, he's worked on me for over an hour before. I've just layed in my bed attempting to masterbate, with him there or not. Sometimes sensations come up, most of the time they don't and I tend to forget them, but nothing sends me over the edge.
We've gotten better, we're very understanding, we try a lot together, and still sex is not the central part of our relationship. I once asked Juice about it several months ago, he said that it just deals with the girl being very focused and wanting it, and the lack of distractions. If the girl needs the guy to be quiet for her to make it, then she should just tell him. Discussed such with Tyler, he knows to listen. He wants me to make it so -I- can experience what I've been giving him this whole time. I already know it's not an end-all euphoria, but it seems to wipe your mind clean for at least a short bit. I want that, I really really do.
Still very afraid there's something wrong with me, be it mental scarring, extremely difficult placement of trigger points, or that I'm just not capable in the first place. I don't really know what I'm looking for, but I've walked the first few steps over and over to not get anywhere.
Going to look up what I can with the glorious internetz and just forget sleeping. I feel too hurt to get to sleep and crying it out didn't help at all. *shakes head* I really wanted to talk to Tyler a little while ago, but his family is currently in a temp appartment and the only phone is his mom's cell.
Seems so often that when I need him, I can't reach him without raising alarms from other people, so I just don't try.
Was thinking, they portray orgasm as being lost in the emotion and sensation of pleasure. The only emotion I've gotten so completely lost in was when I was in so much internal pain from all the shit stuck in my head in San Diego, not a pleasant thing to think back on. Maybe that's why I can't, that emotion could have filled in that possible slot in my brain.
What a wonderful waste of a person I seem to be sometimes.
Fuck sleep...