I can sense a sirring. hahahaha.
I went on this vacation because I needed some sort of peace.
It seems to not exist anymore, not around Daytona anyway.
What I do when I am blind wasted is terrible.
The reason I do it is even worse. I would rather be too drunk to stand then to think of the last year I have been through. Since the 18th of December 2005, my life has been a living hell. I spent almost six months trying to make someone happy that did not even love me, much less actually WANT to be happy in my opinon. Then I spent the other 3 & a 1/2 wasted, so that I wouldnt have to think about all the negative things that go through my mind on a daily basis. Needless to say, none of that was the best idea. I became violent, unfriendly, bitter, & ultimately dispondent to everyone that got in my way, or just pissed me off in general.
I cant be that person anymore.
I do not want to push away everyone just because one person... pushed me.
There is a part in the movie Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams(SEAN) turns to Matt Damons(WILL) charachter & plainly says:
"So if I asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? You know a lot about him I bet. Life's work, criticisms, political aspirations. But you couldn't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked you about women I'm sure you could give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and maybe you've been laid a few times too. But you couldn't tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and be truly happy. If I asked you about war you could refer me to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional material, but you've never been in one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him draw his last breath, looking to you for help. And if I asked you about love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been truly vulnerable. Known that someone could kill you with a look. That someone could rescue you from grief. That God had put an angel on Earth just for you. And you wouldn't know how it felt to be her angel. To have the love be there for her forever. Through anything, through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand and not leaving because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term "visiting hours" didn't apply to you. And you wouldn't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself, and you've never dared to love anything that much."
That entire paragraph he stated has been stuck in my head forever. I think that it is a very true statement that can apply to everyone. To say: "You do not know me & you do not know what I have been through. Do not judge me." is something that I think should be implied. I hate the fact that so many judge me. It bothers me something unreal... I still can't put my finger on exactly why, I just am aware now that it does. There is however a moral to the story of Good Will Hunting... truth. When Sean turns to Will and once again blatently tells him exactly what it is he has needed to hear his entire life, I believe it is something that all of us should hear & believe. He turns & says to him: "Look at me Will. Its not your fault."
Maybe if someone would of said that to me months ago things would be different now, but you can never make what has already happened, unhappen. I choose to believe that statement though, it was never my fault. None of this. Not my father dying, not Anthony dying, not someone I loved to death leaving me, not being able to keep a baby, not the accident in which I totaled a car& broke a rib, & not even the angst I have held against so many others due to all of these horrific occasions... none of these things were my fault(never completely). It just happend.I am smart enough to realize at this point that before I can move on with myself, before I can smile again, I have to realize that. Sometimes, it just is not your fault.
It seems to not exist anymore, not around Daytona anyway.
What I do when I am blind wasted is terrible.
The reason I do it is even worse. I would rather be too drunk to stand then to think of the last year I have been through. Since the 18th of December 2005, my life has been a living hell. I spent almost six months trying to make someone happy that did not even love me, much less actually WANT to be happy in my opinon. Then I spent the other 3 & a 1/2 wasted, so that I wouldnt have to think about all the negative things that go through my mind on a daily basis. Needless to say, none of that was the best idea. I became violent, unfriendly, bitter, & ultimately dispondent to everyone that got in my way, or just pissed me off in general.
I cant be that person anymore.
I do not want to push away everyone just because one person... pushed me.
There is a part in the movie Good Will Hunting when Robin Williams(SEAN) turns to Matt Damons(WILL) charachter & plainly says:
"So if I asked you about art you could give me the skinny on every art book ever written...Michelangelo? You know a lot about him I bet. Life's work, criticisms, political aspirations. But you couldn't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. And if I asked you about women I'm sure you could give me a syllabus of your personal favorites, and maybe you've been laid a few times too. But you couldn't tell me how it feels to wake up next to a woman and be truly happy. If I asked you about war you could refer me to a bevy of fictional and non-fictional material, but you've never been in one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him draw his last breath, looking to you for help. And if I asked you about love I'd get a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been truly vulnerable. Known that someone could kill you with a look. That someone could rescue you from grief. That God had put an angel on Earth just for you. And you wouldn't know how it felt to be her angel. To have the love be there for her forever. Through anything, through cancer. You wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months holding her hand and not leaving because the doctors could see in your eyes that the term "visiting hours" didn't apply to you. And you wouldn't know about real loss, because that only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself, and you've never dared to love anything that much."
That entire paragraph he stated has been stuck in my head forever. I think that it is a very true statement that can apply to everyone. To say: "You do not know me & you do not know what I have been through. Do not judge me." is something that I think should be implied. I hate the fact that so many judge me. It bothers me something unreal... I still can't put my finger on exactly why, I just am aware now that it does. There is however a moral to the story of Good Will Hunting... truth. When Sean turns to Will and once again blatently tells him exactly what it is he has needed to hear his entire life, I believe it is something that all of us should hear & believe. He turns & says to him: "Look at me Will. Its not your fault."
Maybe if someone would of said that to me months ago things would be different now, but you can never make what has already happened, unhappen. I choose to believe that statement though, it was never my fault. None of this. Not my father dying, not Anthony dying, not someone I loved to death leaving me, not being able to keep a baby, not the accident in which I totaled a car& broke a rib, & not even the angst I have held against so many others due to all of these horrific occasions... none of these things were my fault(never completely). It just happend.I am smart enough to realize at this point that before I can move on with myself, before I can smile again, I have to realize that. Sometimes, it just is not your fault.