Finding me....
I still don't know what's going to happen but I know that everytime someone looked at my face they knew something was wrong. I knew that everytime someone said a word about it like that they read this or heard or whatever, I started to cry. I know that everytime someone tried to hug me I wouldn't let them because as it was the silent tears kept rolling down my face and I couldn't make them stop. I shouldn't have been there. I shouldn't have let him leave the way it was. I should have just ended it once and for all in that conversation because then I wouldn't be left hanging like I am. I shouldn't let him choose. I should do what I want with this... the problem is, I still want what he wants. I don't want to lose him... ever... but then again... I can't have him hurting me like this all the time! I don't deserve it. So I'm letting him choose. If he promises to stop treating me like this, then I'll give him one more chance... yet how do I explain how he's treating me? Not the same as before, when I know that it can never go back to the way it was... Not respectfully, well how can you respect anyone when you don't respect yourself. Not with love and kindness, how do you love anyone when all you've been doing for years is pretending to love whoever pretends to love you back and then you get hurt by them and can't be kind anymore either. So what do I honestly say? I cannot say get out of my life even though that's all there is to it. GET OUT OF MY LIFE! COME BACK WHEN YOU GROW UP! And I work with him, however I don't know how much longer I will work there to be honest with you, so it's also going to be hard to just get rid of him. I see him a few times a week. I don't know what to do... I tried to let it go but it's not easy. And I know, I know that if he's "the one" not only would this not be happening, but even if he is and this is happening then I'm not losing him forever even if I do say goodbye right now... but the thing is, he may not be "the one" but what if he is my best friend. The one that's always there to listen to me whine and complain. Yes, there are a lot of people that are there to do that, all of you reading this whining and complaining. And yes I underestimate how you are all there for me because you're there for me and we don't have problems... but imagine one of the people who's always there just suddenly not caring AT ALL anymore. He just walks away and says, I love her now and I don't wanna be close to you in any way cause I don't wanna screw it up. And how can you push love aside to just be his friend and not be upset when things change? I want him to be happy... and if that means I'm out... I'm out. That's all there is to it. Not being stuck in the middle will help me move on too. It's like Fe said today, if I didn't want to move on to the present and future, I wouldn't have been talking to him and telling him everything I was telling him. So that's how it is... and our next talk will be it... if it's it... God damn... it will most likely be it... and I would like it to be in person to be honest, so he can see me and know by the pain in my eyes that this is coming from my heart and not jealousy. So that he can see the tears as I walk away for good and know it's really over. So that someday he can look at those tears and know that those were the tears of the true love that he could have had if he just stopped being afraid of it.... (that was assuming a lot, I know that may not be true but whatever... you get my point)
Moving on... today at work was SHIT! It was Monday night and it was 9:00 showings and they were still selling out... seriously what the fuck? STAY HOME PEOPLE! I'm tired and depressed what are you doing here? Then I end up having to kick 4 people, that I know, luckily not too well, out of a movie because they snuck in by flashing old tickets at our Usher. And Jamie makes me do it because I know who the people are. What the fuck? And I sucked at it on top of that cause I can't be mean, so even though I wasn't suppose to I think one of them bought tickets for him and the person he was with, and went back in, and the others ended up getting me in trouble. They went into a bathroom until I went away and went back in.... unluckily for me and them, one of Jamie's old friends, I'm assuming someone he used to work with, saw them sneak back in and we searched for them, found them, and seriously kicked them out out out out out. Why didn't they just listen to me? I wasn't trying to be a bitch, I was trying to do my job and not get fired and not get them kicked out! HELLO! Of course he wouldn't know that.... luckily, the other persons listened to me! Thanks man. I'm always right... will people ever learn?
And on top of that I made Jamie mad cause I put my tickets that needed to be refunded in my drawer so Jamie thought that I was 57 dollars short... no... I wasn't... but he had to come all the way back downstairs and refund all of those tickets and I was 1 dollar off... go figure...
THEN we have some chick come in after the doors are locked, she's crying and obviously piss drunk with no shoes and said her friend just dropped her off on the side of the highway cause they were having an argument and she walked to the cinema... so Heidi and Laura gave her a ride home and then came back... But Jamie needed someone to watch the stand, and the building, until at least 11:00 while he did his work and whatnot. So I was there until 11:40 waiting for "Wedding Crashers" to get out to make sure nothing happened with all those damn people. And that was the movie we kicked people out of so Jamie's friend came out and talked to me and he was like "I didn't get you in trouble did I?" And I was like "No... definitely not. Well actually, ok the truth is that's why I'm still here. He's punishing me." And he was like "SERIOUSLY dude..." and I was like "No I'm kidding. He was a little upset that I sucked at kicking people out but that was it, he's all good." And we talked for a few. He was really nice, and so were the girls he was with. It was chill. Jon Duhamie was there and we chatted briefly which was cool too. But I was tired and didn't wanna be there anymore so staying sucked... although I did start an interesting project... writing our story... from the beginning. Him and me. All about everything that happened. It sos that I remember and so that I can see it from my side and what happened and see if he's been an ass the whole time and I just didn't see it... and for closure... It will help my to write out my past and leave it there. It will help me finish this with the story and close it off and move on. So that's what I'm doing with that... It was Stacey's idea really.... but I realized I've done it before.... Jeff, Brian, (esp. these 2 cause they were at the same time in my life where I was in writing mode) Eddie, MATT (he's got a good one lmao.)etc. etc. etc. So I went back to a couple of those and remember how they helped and I decided it was a really good idea to do it for this one... especially for this one... We have a story... it may not start or end although I don't know how it ends yet but I can guess) with anything spectacular but the middle was amazing... and I never want to forget a single moment of it... so I will write it and close it in the sealed, locked, fire proof box under my bed for years later when I'm ready to fall in love again if I ever do.
I also realized that through all of this pain is the chance for another love. Maybe this was a stepping stone to where I'm suppose to be. I had a great senior year and I will never forget it, but maybe it's time to move on. I also know that because of all this pain and learning, that I do still believe in love. I don't trust it one bit, but I believe in it. I don't know if it's out there for me, but I have faith that it is.
And lastly, I just now realized that I need to put God back in my life. I was never one of those people to push God onto other people but I had my faith and my beliefs, and it was a HUGE part of who I WAS! The thing is, I lost that strong belief somewhere along the line... Somewhere over the past year I said screw it... and I still believe, sometimes I still pray... but not enough... and it's not in my heart the way it used to be... so I need to do some serious soul searching and find that, and along the way, complete finding me....
Moving on... today at work was SHIT! It was Monday night and it was 9:00 showings and they were still selling out... seriously what the fuck? STAY HOME PEOPLE! I'm tired and depressed what are you doing here? Then I end up having to kick 4 people, that I know, luckily not too well, out of a movie because they snuck in by flashing old tickets at our Usher. And Jamie makes me do it because I know who the people are. What the fuck? And I sucked at it on top of that cause I can't be mean, so even though I wasn't suppose to I think one of them bought tickets for him and the person he was with, and went back in, and the others ended up getting me in trouble. They went into a bathroom until I went away and went back in.... unluckily for me and them, one of Jamie's old friends, I'm assuming someone he used to work with, saw them sneak back in and we searched for them, found them, and seriously kicked them out out out out out. Why didn't they just listen to me? I wasn't trying to be a bitch, I was trying to do my job and not get fired and not get them kicked out! HELLO! Of course he wouldn't know that.... luckily, the other persons listened to me! Thanks man. I'm always right... will people ever learn?
And on top of that I made Jamie mad cause I put my tickets that needed to be refunded in my drawer so Jamie thought that I was 57 dollars short... no... I wasn't... but he had to come all the way back downstairs and refund all of those tickets and I was 1 dollar off... go figure...
THEN we have some chick come in after the doors are locked, she's crying and obviously piss drunk with no shoes and said her friend just dropped her off on the side of the highway cause they were having an argument and she walked to the cinema... so Heidi and Laura gave her a ride home and then came back... But Jamie needed someone to watch the stand, and the building, until at least 11:00 while he did his work and whatnot. So I was there until 11:40 waiting for "Wedding Crashers" to get out to make sure nothing happened with all those damn people. And that was the movie we kicked people out of so Jamie's friend came out and talked to me and he was like "I didn't get you in trouble did I?" And I was like "No... definitely not. Well actually, ok the truth is that's why I'm still here. He's punishing me." And he was like "SERIOUSLY dude..." and I was like "No I'm kidding. He was a little upset that I sucked at kicking people out but that was it, he's all good." And we talked for a few. He was really nice, and so were the girls he was with. It was chill. Jon Duhamie was there and we chatted briefly which was cool too. But I was tired and didn't wanna be there anymore so staying sucked... although I did start an interesting project... writing our story... from the beginning. Him and me. All about everything that happened. It sos that I remember and so that I can see it from my side and what happened and see if he's been an ass the whole time and I just didn't see it... and for closure... It will help my to write out my past and leave it there. It will help me finish this with the story and close it off and move on. So that's what I'm doing with that... It was Stacey's idea really.... but I realized I've done it before.... Jeff, Brian, (esp. these 2 cause they were at the same time in my life where I was in writing mode) Eddie, MATT (he's got a good one lmao.)etc. etc. etc. So I went back to a couple of those and remember how they helped and I decided it was a really good idea to do it for this one... especially for this one... We have a story... it may not start or end although I don't know how it ends yet but I can guess) with anything spectacular but the middle was amazing... and I never want to forget a single moment of it... so I will write it and close it in the sealed, locked, fire proof box under my bed for years later when I'm ready to fall in love again if I ever do.
I also realized that through all of this pain is the chance for another love. Maybe this was a stepping stone to where I'm suppose to be. I had a great senior year and I will never forget it, but maybe it's time to move on. I also know that because of all this pain and learning, that I do still believe in love. I don't trust it one bit, but I believe in it. I don't know if it's out there for me, but I have faith that it is.
And lastly, I just now realized that I need to put God back in my life. I was never one of those people to push God onto other people but I had my faith and my beliefs, and it was a HUGE part of who I WAS! The thing is, I lost that strong belief somewhere along the line... Somewhere over the past year I said screw it... and I still believe, sometimes I still pray... but not enough... and it's not in my heart the way it used to be... so I need to do some serious soul searching and find that, and along the way, complete finding me....