The pre-him Diane
Talk about having a nervous breakdown. Diane had one tonight at work. It was like all of a sudden life was back to normal. I don't know if this makes any sense, and I don't mean this in a stalkerish way at all because I do not have feelings for Ivan... but now that he's gone.... things are back to normal... and it sucks! I've been having a blast at work with everyone new and cool that I've met and with Ivan and stuff..... and tonight was just... normal....
I haven't been working with him or been around him for like 5 days now and I wasn't even counting but tonight....
He was there and he said some things like "You'll find what you're looking for and what you want from a guy someday. Right now options are limited but he's out there" And all I could do was cry. I cried for at least an hour. It's like he doesn't even get it. It's like he doesn't realize that I know what I want and need and I'm staring him right in the face as he tells me to find someone who's right for me. Whatever.... And so I said "I found want I need and what I want. I found the perfect person. And the truth is, I still don't think it's worth it." And he was like "Who is it? What is it? And if it's not worth it then why are you so upset about it?" And that's when I really broke down. I couldn't stop the tears from streaming. It was a silent crying that could not be held back... not even by a frieghtliner truck... lol. I'm being a baby and I didn't want this to happen. But a lot of things have changed. I'm not the same girl with him that I used to be. I don't take his crap. I get mad and I mean it. I don't let him push me around like I'm just another girl anymore. I don't deserve it, and I don't need it. But the thing is... I'm completely and totally afraid that I do need him.... Bryan actually said to me today "I don't like the crying Diane. She's not as fun. I miss the Diane pre-him days...." And I just looked at him and stood speechless for a minute and then said the only thing that could be said.... "So do I.........." and then burst into yet another fit of a solid hour of tears.
I know I'm gonna be ok. Dude Rheanna, him, and I had a fucking blast! It was so fun I thought I'd die! And him and I bicker so badly that people actually get uncomfortable about it. lol. But we had fun... it was just that one little end of the night breakdown. And it's over now... I'm doing well... I'm just exhausted so that definitely has something to do with it, ya know? But the thing is... it really is sad.... I miss the Diane that was pre-him days too..... I'm getting her back, but will my heart ever stop hurting? Will my head ever stop spinning? Will my soul ever feel full again?
Cause I didn't know you and I didn't know me but I thought I knew everything.... Yet I've never felt this feeling that I'm feeling now.........
I haven't been working with him or been around him for like 5 days now and I wasn't even counting but tonight....
He was there and he said some things like "You'll find what you're looking for and what you want from a guy someday. Right now options are limited but he's out there" And all I could do was cry. I cried for at least an hour. It's like he doesn't even get it. It's like he doesn't realize that I know what I want and need and I'm staring him right in the face as he tells me to find someone who's right for me. Whatever.... And so I said "I found want I need and what I want. I found the perfect person. And the truth is, I still don't think it's worth it." And he was like "Who is it? What is it? And if it's not worth it then why are you so upset about it?" And that's when I really broke down. I couldn't stop the tears from streaming. It was a silent crying that could not be held back... not even by a frieghtliner truck... lol. I'm being a baby and I didn't want this to happen. But a lot of things have changed. I'm not the same girl with him that I used to be. I don't take his crap. I get mad and I mean it. I don't let him push me around like I'm just another girl anymore. I don't deserve it, and I don't need it. But the thing is... I'm completely and totally afraid that I do need him.... Bryan actually said to me today "I don't like the crying Diane. She's not as fun. I miss the Diane pre-him days...." And I just looked at him and stood speechless for a minute and then said the only thing that could be said.... "So do I.........." and then burst into yet another fit of a solid hour of tears.
I know I'm gonna be ok. Dude Rheanna, him, and I had a fucking blast! It was so fun I thought I'd die! And him and I bicker so badly that people actually get uncomfortable about it. lol. But we had fun... it was just that one little end of the night breakdown. And it's over now... I'm doing well... I'm just exhausted so that definitely has something to do with it, ya know? But the thing is... it really is sad.... I miss the Diane that was pre-him days too..... I'm getting her back, but will my heart ever stop hurting? Will my head ever stop spinning? Will my soul ever feel full again?
Cause I didn't know you and I didn't know me but I thought I knew everything.... Yet I've never felt this feeling that I'm feeling now.........