Retrospective

[a_skunk]

Reading back over some old posts has inspired me to finally write a new one after a long hiatus. I am astonished at how much more open and contemplative I once was. I suppose I was in college at the time and my writing skills were polished. I have long forgotten most of the events that I wrote about. I don't remember the emotion, the circumstances, or the details. I only look back like a detached observer, amazed at how I have changed over the years. I surely remember the bad times, but I forgot how I had the capacity to really have fun, and how painful it was once the fun was over. I never felt more alive, more in the moment and really there, than the closing moments of a fun party, con or vacation. Looking back, I feel like I am reading the posts of a different person, my lousy memory only occasionally registering a spark of recognition of what I once had to say.

As I get older my emotions seem to average out and I feel them less intensely. What used to be raging fire and burning cold ice is now just smoldering embers and cool water. Perhaps someday it will all average out into lukewarm.... comfortably numb. Perhaps this is a normal part of getting older, having no free time... losing contact with old friends, lamenting the passage of months and years as they all blend together. How many old friends have I lost touch with now? I don't even get asked to hang out anymore. I'm too busy, and my friends have given up.

So where do I go from here? I'm buried in everyday minutia and grand projects that progress in geological time. When do I get to really feel alive again?