Call Me Al - Part 1/5?
Title: Call Me Al
Genre: AU, humor, parody
Characters: House/Wilson established, Cuddy/Foreman, Chase, Cameron
Summary: It's about a year after "Babies and Bathwater". Cuddy voted to keep Vogler and his money. House and Wilson are Married...With Children.
Notes: Thank you so, so much to cuddyclothes for her awesome beta work! I'd been working on this for a long time, and I kind of got stuck. She steered me in the right direction and helped make this fic so much better than I could have done on my own. *hugs*
Title is taken from a quote in the Futurama episode "A Bicyclops Built For Two" and also "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon.
I can't promise a regular posting schedule because of real-life commitments, but there will be about 5 chapters in all. See the end of the chapter for more fic notes. Hope you enjoy! :)
Disclaimer: Much like a shoe salesman, I don't own any of this and I don't make any money off it.
Chapter 1
Wilson pulled on his lab coat and signed into the clinic. He looked at the crowded waiting room, sighed, and went into Exam Room One, where a young mother holding a screaming toddler was waiting. Wilson smiled politely as he greeted them, but when the child threw up all over the floor, he knew it was going to be a long day.
When he came out, Cameron was leaning against the wall.
"Hi, Wilson," she said sweetly. "How are you?"
"What do you want?" Wilson asked.
Cameron straightened up.
"I have a lunch date," she said. "But I forgot my wallet."
"Make your date pay," Wilson said.
"I can't," Cameron said.
"Why, is he imaginary?" Wilson asked.
"No!" Cameron said indignantly.
"Then he can pay," Wilson said. "Or is it a she? Either way, you have to draw boundaries. You pay once and you'll be paying for the rest of your life, believe me."
"It's not like that," Cameron said. "It's my great-aunt, okay? I have to spend time with her because she's got no kids, never married...and she won't be around forever."
Wilson nodded knowingly.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," Cameron said.
"I don't have fifty dollars," Wilson said.
"Twenty?" Cameron smiled hopefully.
"Cameron." Wilson put an arm around her shoulders. "Here's the thing. I used to be the department head of oncology. I actually treated patients, I enjoyed my job, and I had money."
"Then Vogler screwed you over, because House screwed with him," Cameron said. She wriggled out from under Wilson's arm. "I know."
"Now I spend all my time in the clinic or attending pointless committee meetings," Wilson said. "That means I have no money."
"It's an outrage!" Cameron said quickly. "Well, got to run!"
Wilson rubbed his forehead wearily. He spent the next several hours dealing with bratty children and demanding parents, reassuring people that their runny nose would go away on its own in a few days, and diagnosing various STDs. By the end of the day, his back ached and he was hungry. He'd left a note for House that there were ingredients for chicken parmesan in the fridge, and he could almost taste the rich, cheesy tomato sauce.
He was so distracted thinking about dinner that he almost crashed into Cuddy and Foreman in the lobby.
"Oh, hi, Wilson," Cuddy said breezily. "How was your day? Mine was wonderful."
"Did you vote on it?" Wilson asked sarcastically.
"You sound stressed," Foreman said. "Maybe you need a date night, like Lisa and me."
"Mm-hmm," Cuddy agreed. She slipped her arm through Foreman's and smiled up at him. "Tonight we're going to the movies. We like to get a spot in the back and fool around."
Foreman leaned down to give her a quick kiss. Wilson made a face.
"Oh, God!" he said. "I'm never going to the movies again."
"I don't blame you," Foreman said. "Tickets, snacks, bail money...it would get expensive."
He and Cuddy laughed.
"That was one time!" Wilson snapped. "I've gotta go."
"Don't forget the meeting tomorrow," Cuddy called as he walked away. "We're announcing the spring fundraiser. I think you're really going to like this one!"
When Wilson finally arrived at the apartment, he let the door slam behind him.
"An overprotective mother came into the clinic today," he grumbled as he loosened his tie. "She was mad that her five-month-old wasn't crawling yet. I told her not to worry. She called me incompetent. So I said I hope her kid drops out of whichever Ivy League college she pushes him into."
The only response was silence. Wilson realized House wasn't on the couch. He checked the kitchen, but as he suspected, there was no sign of either House or dinner. Scowling, Wilson retreated to the couch and turned on the TV.
A few minutes later, House barged through the door.
"Oh," he said, sounding surprised. "I didn't know you were home."
"I guess my car, the unlocked door, the lights, and the fact I get home at the same time every day were too subtle," Wilson said.
"Don't worry," House said. He sat down next to Wilson and patted his knee. "I don't notice if you're around in the bedroom, either."
"How could you?" Wilson retorted. "You never leave the couch."
"For your information, I was at the OTB parlor all day today," House said. "I stopped for dinner on the way home." He smirked. "I didn't bring you anything because I saw your note and I know how much you wanted chicken parmesan."
Wilson glared at him, then stood up.
"Where are you going?" House asked.
"Well, House, I know how much you want sex," Wilson said. He gave House a smug smile. "So I'm going to bed."
House scrambled to his feet, but Wilson was quicker. He locked the bedroom door, threw House's pillow on the floor so that he could put his own pillow in the middle of the bed, and laid on his back with his hands folded behind his head, listening to House alternate between yelling, whining, and pounding on the door.
Author's note: I've watched Married...With Children on and off since I was a little kid. I've always thought it was funny, and now that I actually understand the jokes, it's even funnier. Anyway, I watched an episode last fall after a discussion with a coworker, and that led to watching more episodes, and soon I was hooked again. At some point, the shot of Al in the opening credits made me think of Wilson sitting on the couch looking all disgruntled in Season 5's 'couples counselling' scene. Naturally, I decided that would make House Peg. And then I realized both shows have six main characters (using the original team from House), and thus, this fic was spawned. :)
Genre: AU, humor, parody
Characters: House/Wilson established, Cuddy/Foreman, Chase, Cameron
Summary: It's about a year after "Babies and Bathwater". Cuddy voted to keep Vogler and his money. House and Wilson are Married...With Children.
Notes: Thank you so, so much to cuddyclothes for her awesome beta work! I'd been working on this for a long time, and I kind of got stuck. She steered me in the right direction and helped make this fic so much better than I could have done on my own. *hugs*
Title is taken from a quote in the Futurama episode "A Bicyclops Built For Two" and also "You Can Call Me Al" by Paul Simon.
I can't promise a regular posting schedule because of real-life commitments, but there will be about 5 chapters in all. See the end of the chapter for more fic notes. Hope you enjoy! :)
Disclaimer: Much like a shoe salesman, I don't own any of this and I don't make any money off it.
Chapter 1
Wilson pulled on his lab coat and signed into the clinic. He looked at the crowded waiting room, sighed, and went into Exam Room One, where a young mother holding a screaming toddler was waiting. Wilson smiled politely as he greeted them, but when the child threw up all over the floor, he knew it was going to be a long day.
When he came out, Cameron was leaning against the wall.
"Hi, Wilson," she said sweetly. "How are you?"
"What do you want?" Wilson asked.
Cameron straightened up.
"I have a lunch date," she said. "But I forgot my wallet."
"Make your date pay," Wilson said.
"I can't," Cameron said.
"Why, is he imaginary?" Wilson asked.
"No!" Cameron said indignantly.
"Then he can pay," Wilson said. "Or is it a she? Either way, you have to draw boundaries. You pay once and you'll be paying for the rest of your life, believe me."
"It's not like that," Cameron said. "It's my great-aunt, okay? I have to spend time with her because she's got no kids, never married...and she won't be around forever."
Wilson nodded knowingly.
"How much?" he asked.
"Fifty dollars," Cameron said.
"I don't have fifty dollars," Wilson said.
"Twenty?" Cameron smiled hopefully.
"Cameron." Wilson put an arm around her shoulders. "Here's the thing. I used to be the department head of oncology. I actually treated patients, I enjoyed my job, and I had money."
"Then Vogler screwed you over, because House screwed with him," Cameron said. She wriggled out from under Wilson's arm. "I know."
"Now I spend all my time in the clinic or attending pointless committee meetings," Wilson said. "That means I have no money."
"It's an outrage!" Cameron said quickly. "Well, got to run!"
Wilson rubbed his forehead wearily. He spent the next several hours dealing with bratty children and demanding parents, reassuring people that their runny nose would go away on its own in a few days, and diagnosing various STDs. By the end of the day, his back ached and he was hungry. He'd left a note for House that there were ingredients for chicken parmesan in the fridge, and he could almost taste the rich, cheesy tomato sauce.
He was so distracted thinking about dinner that he almost crashed into Cuddy and Foreman in the lobby.
"Oh, hi, Wilson," Cuddy said breezily. "How was your day? Mine was wonderful."
"Did you vote on it?" Wilson asked sarcastically.
"You sound stressed," Foreman said. "Maybe you need a date night, like Lisa and me."
"Mm-hmm," Cuddy agreed. She slipped her arm through Foreman's and smiled up at him. "Tonight we're going to the movies. We like to get a spot in the back and fool around."
Foreman leaned down to give her a quick kiss. Wilson made a face.
"Oh, God!" he said. "I'm never going to the movies again."
"I don't blame you," Foreman said. "Tickets, snacks, bail money...it would get expensive."
He and Cuddy laughed.
"That was one time!" Wilson snapped. "I've gotta go."
"Don't forget the meeting tomorrow," Cuddy called as he walked away. "We're announcing the spring fundraiser. I think you're really going to like this one!"
When Wilson finally arrived at the apartment, he let the door slam behind him.
"An overprotective mother came into the clinic today," he grumbled as he loosened his tie. "She was mad that her five-month-old wasn't crawling yet. I told her not to worry. She called me incompetent. So I said I hope her kid drops out of whichever Ivy League college she pushes him into."
The only response was silence. Wilson realized House wasn't on the couch. He checked the kitchen, but as he suspected, there was no sign of either House or dinner. Scowling, Wilson retreated to the couch and turned on the TV.
A few minutes later, House barged through the door.
"Oh," he said, sounding surprised. "I didn't know you were home."
"I guess my car, the unlocked door, the lights, and the fact I get home at the same time every day were too subtle," Wilson said.
"Don't worry," House said. He sat down next to Wilson and patted his knee. "I don't notice if you're around in the bedroom, either."
"How could you?" Wilson retorted. "You never leave the couch."
"For your information, I was at the OTB parlor all day today," House said. "I stopped for dinner on the way home." He smirked. "I didn't bring you anything because I saw your note and I know how much you wanted chicken parmesan."
Wilson glared at him, then stood up.
"Where are you going?" House asked.
"Well, House, I know how much you want sex," Wilson said. He gave House a smug smile. "So I'm going to bed."
House scrambled to his feet, but Wilson was quicker. He locked the bedroom door, threw House's pillow on the floor so that he could put his own pillow in the middle of the bed, and laid on his back with his hands folded behind his head, listening to House alternate between yelling, whining, and pounding on the door.
Author's note: I've watched Married...With Children on and off since I was a little kid. I've always thought it was funny, and now that I actually understand the jokes, it's even funnier. Anyway, I watched an episode last fall after a discussion with a coworker, and that led to watching more episodes, and soon I was hooked again. At some point, the shot of Al in the opening credits made me think of Wilson sitting on the couch looking all disgruntled in Season 5's 'couples counselling' scene. Naturally, I decided that would make House Peg. And then I realized both shows have six main characters (using the original team from House), and thus, this fic was spawned. :)