WHAAATT?
everythings going wrong. its funny. I hate it. It's annoying. I can't believe I made the mistake of telling Jessica that I had smoked with Marcus that one night. I can't believe I trusted her. She went and told on me to Steven. Because she "cared." yeah...whatever. She told him that I did that, and that I wanted to try ecstasy as well. Thats not what I said. We were in chemistry class today and our teacher talked to us about drugs and stuff. And Jessica and I had our own discussion about it. And I had told her about the dro, then forgotten that I hadn't told her before. She starts saying like oh okay well you can't try herion, or acid, or ecstasy, or anything else. Then, what I said, was "oh yeah, well I've already been offered ecstasy and bars from some people," and that was it. I didn't say I did them. Or was going to. I had said I wondered what X would be like but I didn't say I was going to go do it. Well, thats what she heard. And that is what she decided to tell Steven. So Steven invites me over after school, and has a little pow-wow with me. Tells me about a lot of things. Only worse. He's been through so much, I know that. But I guess this talk just made me realize more about things. He's lost a lot of people in his life, good friends, close friends...and he doesn't want me to be one to add on. I don't want add to that. I won't get caught up in drugs, its stupid. I was just curious, thats ALL. He doesn't understand that, and I know. I just...wasn't happy. and I guess...I guess I just wanted to see if it could make me a little more happy, even for a minute. Thats the only reason I was curious as to what X would be like but I didn't say I would actually go and do it. I doubt I would. But I still can't believe Jessica told him. Because, she wasn't helping me when she told him. She was hurting him. Making him just relive past experiences and stuff. Anyway, when he was talking to me, he was telling me about drugs and that he didn't want me to end up like others. He doesn't want me to get addicted and boring and stupid. He doesn't want to worry about another person that way. Well, as he was talking...thats what I understood, but thats not what I heard. What I heard was him telling me that he doesn't want to lose me. He doesn't want to go through it again...and I won't let that happen. I can't leave him. Anytime I think about trying something hard again, I will think of Steven. and James and Lauren. (I really wish I could have known them better.) And all his stories. Before the talk today, I was planning to try it again, just one more time. But now, I'm seroiusly thinking to just let it go. He's gone through so much more and he never resorted to that. He never even wanted to. But...he's also a lot stronger than me. He's right, I couldn't even imagine the feel of what hes gone through, or had to put up with. But I just know that I won't add to that hurt, I can't. I do everything I possibly can to help him, with everything that he throws at me...I try to be understanding and helpful. I'm always here, always willing to listen and w/e else I can do to help, I will. Its just hard.
I still smoke cigarettes. Big deal. I can't help that, it feels better. Sometimes...I think about stupid things. Like today, I did. Okay...I was born with a hole in my lung. So...smoking probably isn't too much of a good idea for me to be doing. But, sometimes...when I do smoke...ugh. Sometimes I just think about the hole in my lung. And sometimes, I wish that it would just open again. So that it would all be over. Sometimes...I wish that the doctors weren't so good at the hospital. And that they wouldn't have found the hole in time, and wouldn't have had the right equiptment to fix it. Sometimes I just wish they would have just left it all alone so that I would pass as a baby, and not be here. Sometimes...it doesn't feel like I have much purpose to being here anyway. But I guess in some aspect, I do.
I can't seem to please anyone. Marcus, I'm going to miss my chance, I just know it. Everyone is telling me that he likes me but I just can't seem to believe it. He might, and I honestly thought I had missed my chance a year ago, as did he, but maybe we're both getting another. I don't know anymore. Daniel is always upset with me. He thinks I like John. I don't. When we were at that party Friday night at Georges, there were drinks. I was drinking, maybe had a little too much to drink. I don't know if I kissed John, but Daniel seems to think I did. I know I kissed him. But either way, I was drunk and just wasn't thinking. I don't want Daniel upset with me anymore, I don't want to hurt him anymore. I seem to be hurting him more and more lately, without trying obviously, and I never enjoy it. I hate myself for everything I do that makes him upset, whether I realize I'm doing it or not. I usually don't. Steven told me earlier today that he "heard" I have a crush on someone that isn't him. Then he just told me that he "knew" I did. But he won't tell me how. I can't tell him that I'm thinking about Marcus, it would just upset him more. and I don't want to, not unless its a for sure thing with him and I. Steven's not over Carrie, so it makes it more and more difficult to believe that him and I will ever have our chance, so yeah, I'm trying to find someone else. I don't know what to do tho anymore.
Jessica just texted me, saying Jesse told Robert that I told him I loved him. I think I did Friday night, but again, I was drunk and wasn't thinking. I really hope that didn't freak him out or something. I didn't mean it like that, I just meant it like a friendly way. because I love all my friends. I guess hes maybe not used to hearing that from him friends, and I guess I knew that but I said it anyway because I wasn't thinking right. Oh well. He didn't seem upset today, we talked like usual and about how fun Friday was. George's house is the shit, no doubt. That kid knows how to throw a party, even when hes the only one there that doesn't do a thing. I admire that. Ooh I want some bubble gum...and I just got some. Oh boy. Anyway, I failed TAKS. Math and Science/ Science by only 3 questions. THREE Mother Fucking Questions. whatever. I'll take them both again, hopefully this summer with Mechell. I don't even care about school anymore.
I'm sure theres more, I just can't think right now. I'm sure I'll add more to this bullshit later. I need to get back to AIM, and talk to the few people that can always seem to cheer me up....and Steven, being one of them, isn't here. He's at work...but YES! Mike and Marcus have IMed me, which makes me a little better so far.
I still smoke cigarettes. Big deal. I can't help that, it feels better. Sometimes...I think about stupid things. Like today, I did. Okay...I was born with a hole in my lung. So...smoking probably isn't too much of a good idea for me to be doing. But, sometimes...when I do smoke...ugh. Sometimes I just think about the hole in my lung. And sometimes, I wish that it would just open again. So that it would all be over. Sometimes...I wish that the doctors weren't so good at the hospital. And that they wouldn't have found the hole in time, and wouldn't have had the right equiptment to fix it. Sometimes I just wish they would have just left it all alone so that I would pass as a baby, and not be here. Sometimes...it doesn't feel like I have much purpose to being here anyway. But I guess in some aspect, I do.
I can't seem to please anyone. Marcus, I'm going to miss my chance, I just know it. Everyone is telling me that he likes me but I just can't seem to believe it. He might, and I honestly thought I had missed my chance a year ago, as did he, but maybe we're both getting another. I don't know anymore. Daniel is always upset with me. He thinks I like John. I don't. When we were at that party Friday night at Georges, there were drinks. I was drinking, maybe had a little too much to drink. I don't know if I kissed John, but Daniel seems to think I did. I know I kissed him. But either way, I was drunk and just wasn't thinking. I don't want Daniel upset with me anymore, I don't want to hurt him anymore. I seem to be hurting him more and more lately, without trying obviously, and I never enjoy it. I hate myself for everything I do that makes him upset, whether I realize I'm doing it or not. I usually don't. Steven told me earlier today that he "heard" I have a crush on someone that isn't him. Then he just told me that he "knew" I did. But he won't tell me how. I can't tell him that I'm thinking about Marcus, it would just upset him more. and I don't want to, not unless its a for sure thing with him and I. Steven's not over Carrie, so it makes it more and more difficult to believe that him and I will ever have our chance, so yeah, I'm trying to find someone else. I don't know what to do tho anymore.
Jessica just texted me, saying Jesse told Robert that I told him I loved him. I think I did Friday night, but again, I was drunk and wasn't thinking. I really hope that didn't freak him out or something. I didn't mean it like that, I just meant it like a friendly way. because I love all my friends. I guess hes maybe not used to hearing that from him friends, and I guess I knew that but I said it anyway because I wasn't thinking right. Oh well. He didn't seem upset today, we talked like usual and about how fun Friday was. George's house is the shit, no doubt. That kid knows how to throw a party, even when hes the only one there that doesn't do a thing. I admire that. Ooh I want some bubble gum...and I just got some. Oh boy. Anyway, I failed TAKS. Math and Science/ Science by only 3 questions. THREE Mother Fucking Questions. whatever. I'll take them both again, hopefully this summer with Mechell. I don't even care about school anymore.
I'm sure theres more, I just can't think right now. I'm sure I'll add more to this bullshit later. I need to get back to AIM, and talk to the few people that can always seem to cheer me up....and Steven, being one of them, isn't here. He's at work...but YES! Mike and Marcus have IMed me, which makes me a little better so far.