Eleanor Roosevelt
"Behold, this dreamer cometh." Genesis 37:19
All of us have demons to battle. It is one of the products of childhood and adolescence. My demon is responsiblity. I feel like it ties me down, drags me to the bottom of the earth, and keeps me there so that I cannot pursue my life. A significant part of me realizes that this view is only half true. The other part of me is still mad at the responsibility so I do stupid things to break it. I know it is non-productive. That is the point.
The problem is that the urge to break things is subsiding and I'm left feeling inadequate. I'm left lingering in a place where I feel silly for being so old and ridiculous for being so young. All in all I just feel so out of place in my life right now. There are steps being taken to remedy the situation and a significant part of me is glad my father told me I couldn't go this summer (even though the choice was already made). He knows me too well and that pisses me off. I just have to force myself. Once the ball is rolling the burdens are gone, the weight is gone, and I do just fine. It is getting there. It is forcing myself to succeed. It is forcing myself to become that which scares me more than just about anything else.
The worst thing of all is when someone pushes me. It backfires. My parents used to push me so much I burned out in 8th grade. At 15 I had a complete breakdown at CalTech due to how much I was pushing myself to finally be good enough and .99 repeating equalling 1. When I'm pushed all I remember is that. All I want to do is run. All I can think of is how angry I am at the person doing it. I don't want someone shoving me with guilt about what I am "supposed" to be doing. That just makes my defiance flare. It just makes we want to quit everything and say fuck you.
The most productive I have ever been was to graduate high school. 13 credits, 7 months and nothing but A's. I lived with one roommate watching a house for some friends of family. It was all me and it was so good. I want to shoot for C's, take the personal pressure off, and then I wind up with A's. Most everything else just causes me to get so stressed out with my perfectionism I shut down. I merely want someone there to be supportive. Trust me, I beat myself up enough. I don't need another person's help.
That being said, I have a pile of work to do this weekend: 4 papers, one final, and a couple of letters.
"And you shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free." John 8:32
All of us have demons to battle. It is one of the products of childhood and adolescence. My demon is responsiblity. I feel like it ties me down, drags me to the bottom of the earth, and keeps me there so that I cannot pursue my life. A significant part of me realizes that this view is only half true. The other part of me is still mad at the responsibility so I do stupid things to break it. I know it is non-productive. That is the point.
The problem is that the urge to break things is subsiding and I'm left feeling inadequate. I'm left lingering in a place where I feel silly for being so old and ridiculous for being so young. All in all I just feel so out of place in my life right now. There are steps being taken to remedy the situation and a significant part of me is glad my father told me I couldn't go this summer (even though the choice was already made). He knows me too well and that pisses me off. I just have to force myself. Once the ball is rolling the burdens are gone, the weight is gone, and I do just fine. It is getting there. It is forcing myself to succeed. It is forcing myself to become that which scares me more than just about anything else.
The worst thing of all is when someone pushes me. It backfires. My parents used to push me so much I burned out in 8th grade. At 15 I had a complete breakdown at CalTech due to how much I was pushing myself to finally be good enough and .99 repeating equalling 1. When I'm pushed all I remember is that. All I want to do is run. All I can think of is how angry I am at the person doing it. I don't want someone shoving me with guilt about what I am "supposed" to be doing. That just makes my defiance flare. It just makes we want to quit everything and say fuck you.
The most productive I have ever been was to graduate high school. 13 credits, 7 months and nothing but A's. I lived with one roommate watching a house for some friends of family. It was all me and it was so good. I want to shoot for C's, take the personal pressure off, and then I wind up with A's. Most everything else just causes me to get so stressed out with my perfectionism I shut down. I merely want someone there to be supportive. Trust me, I beat myself up enough. I don't need another person's help.
That being said, I have a pile of work to do this weekend: 4 papers, one final, and a couple of letters.
"And you shall know the Truth, and the Truth shall set you free." John 8:32