Old news got some new shoes.
It is 2008, approximately four and a half years since I met him, and three and half years since the first break-up, and though I would like in many ways to leave every shred of love and grief for him behind, I seem unable to do so entirely. I have to see him on a regular basis, now that he is dating someone I once called a friend, a very good friend, now that he is living with some people I once considered my closest friends and allies. Now that he has, essentially, taken my place in that particular circle. It irks me, and worse, I am irked to be affected by him at all, negatively or positively. I am just irked.
But slowly growing out of it, and into life, and making new friends, and trying to swallow back the faint bitterness when I do have to see them together.
And really, I shouldn't even care. Why would I want to spend my life with someone who would lie to me, lead me on, and a week later start fucking my so-called friend and roommate?
My anger has faded to the most imperceptible twinge, but my memories of hearing them fucking in the room next to mine for most of July and August...they make my blood boil.
If I could only forget, and never see him or her ever again.
Better still, if I could be calm and mature and rational. Then I could forgive them in full and never give it moment's thought ever again.
I hope that I can. I get a little closer to some semblance of forgiveness and forgetfulness every week.
Someday. Someday. I'll learn. I'll grow up a little. And these grudges will slip away with the rest of the stupid crap to which I cling as if it'll keep me afloat when really it's pulling me under.
Just wish I could live that now, the way Jens says it: it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty.
I think there's no point keeping up this journal. I created it as a secret (but not very secret) space to vent about Jason when he was a part of my life, a very big part of my life, and when we were still trying to work things out, sort of. Now that that's over and I no longer want him or thoughts of him in my life, there's no point in coming here to vent about it.
It'll go away, the nostalgia and the fury and the bitterness and the grief.
It's already on its way out.
But slowly growing out of it, and into life, and making new friends, and trying to swallow back the faint bitterness when I do have to see them together.
And really, I shouldn't even care. Why would I want to spend my life with someone who would lie to me, lead me on, and a week later start fucking my so-called friend and roommate?
My anger has faded to the most imperceptible twinge, but my memories of hearing them fucking in the room next to mine for most of July and August...they make my blood boil.
If I could only forget, and never see him or her ever again.
Better still, if I could be calm and mature and rational. Then I could forgive them in full and never give it moment's thought ever again.
I hope that I can. I get a little closer to some semblance of forgiveness and forgetfulness every week.
Someday. Someday. I'll learn. I'll grow up a little. And these grudges will slip away with the rest of the stupid crap to which I cling as if it'll keep me afloat when really it's pulling me under.
Just wish I could live that now, the way Jens says it: it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty.
I think there's no point keeping up this journal. I created it as a secret (but not very secret) space to vent about Jason when he was a part of my life, a very big part of my life, and when we were still trying to work things out, sort of. Now that that's over and I no longer want him or thoughts of him in my life, there's no point in coming here to vent about it.
It'll go away, the nostalgia and the fury and the bitterness and the grief.
It's already on its way out.