I hate -
Maybe its because i didnt take my meds today or maybe its because i am pissed at the world...especially myself.
Anyway, if you dont wanna here a bunch of raging teenage sounding bullshit then dont bother reading this.
Today sucked. Yesturday sucked. And tomorrow is on the right path for sucking hella bad also. Today i thought a lot about my life, x boyfriends, money, pregnancy, friends, family, where i live, who i love, etc.
I guess it all started when i found out that Brendan has a girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, he deserves to be happy too. I am still a bit jealous though. Mostly it was because i didnt want another girl taking my old place. I mentioned it to Amanda and she responded something along the lines of "you and him and seperate memories that he and she will never share or experience". It makes sense...every love people have is a different one and each day is a new experience..therefor no day will be repeated in its entirety. It still irritates me though. It will probably continue to irritate me. I think the fact that i am not on my meds and my moods have been way out of control makes me more vulnerable to stupid shit in my life.
On another note. I have been homesick a lot lately. I miss my mom. I miss being 100% comfortable in the place i live. I sometimes wonder if Jeff's parents dont really want me here even though they are nice and say they do. Sometimes i think they say things behind my back. Maybe i am imagining it but it makes me go into a shell and keeps me from wanting to be around. I feel guilty being here. Guilty from them and guilty because i know my mom misses me. I dont know what to do.
I am irritated with Jeff. Not because he did anything wrong because he hasn't. I just cant control myself and i guess hes the first thing i can think of or come in contact with to take it all out on. I was being a psycho bitch earlier for no reason and taking it on him. I am even more mad because it seems like we havent gotten to spend any time together and every time i get off work he is exhausted and wants to sleep but then i cant sleep because who knows why and cause i am homesick so i wake him up because i am wide awake and bored and we are both grumpy and cranky. *phew* that was a mouthful. I wanted to take a shower with him and he told me not tonight.. because he wanted to do it fast and get into bed. tomorrow is our only day off together in like two weeks and what will he be doing? Working on his car which is half the reason there is tension in this house...because its broken and he has to take his moms car everything. So what am i going to do? Sit around and with we were doing something fun. Even though what the fuck would we do? We cant spend money so we'd sit around doing nothing. I swear i live in some big as fucking circle where life keeps going up and down and all around. Infact thats very true and everyone has these problems but you wanna know whats even more fucked up..the fact that we were supposedly placed on this earth to live these bullshit lives.
O and guess what. Next week i have to pay for my account at twenty four hour fitness and i havent even gone in two months because Jeff's back is fucked up and i dont want to make him drive there for nothing. Not to mention i have no motivation to go and my stomache is fat as hell. I did lose two pounds. Yay i am down to 138 pounds. thats disusting! I never though i would get so fat. I hate it. I cant do anything about it. I am just a fat frumpy bitchy crazy little girl who needs help or something.
I bet i have cancer too. Only i am serious. I have all these random ass pains but i cannot go to the doctor because i have no fucking health insurrance and thats just a whole different set of problems.
I am depressed because i was almost able to write an entire poem. I love faking that i am ok when im not. Yep its awesome. I love my life too :-D. I wonder if you could see my face if you would think i was lying.
*sigh* i want to cry. I want to keep writing and vent some more but i am not going to. I am going to go make peace with my love and try to grab a hold of all this bullshit swirling around inside of my fucked up head.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
.
Anyway, if you dont wanna here a bunch of raging teenage sounding bullshit then dont bother reading this.
Today sucked. Yesturday sucked. And tomorrow is on the right path for sucking hella bad also. Today i thought a lot about my life, x boyfriends, money, pregnancy, friends, family, where i live, who i love, etc.
I guess it all started when i found out that Brendan has a girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, he deserves to be happy too. I am still a bit jealous though. Mostly it was because i didnt want another girl taking my old place. I mentioned it to Amanda and she responded something along the lines of "you and him and seperate memories that he and she will never share or experience". It makes sense...every love people have is a different one and each day is a new experience..therefor no day will be repeated in its entirety. It still irritates me though. It will probably continue to irritate me. I think the fact that i am not on my meds and my moods have been way out of control makes me more vulnerable to stupid shit in my life.
On another note. I have been homesick a lot lately. I miss my mom. I miss being 100% comfortable in the place i live. I sometimes wonder if Jeff's parents dont really want me here even though they are nice and say they do. Sometimes i think they say things behind my back. Maybe i am imagining it but it makes me go into a shell and keeps me from wanting to be around. I feel guilty being here. Guilty from them and guilty because i know my mom misses me. I dont know what to do.
I am irritated with Jeff. Not because he did anything wrong because he hasn't. I just cant control myself and i guess hes the first thing i can think of or come in contact with to take it all out on. I was being a psycho bitch earlier for no reason and taking it on him. I am even more mad because it seems like we havent gotten to spend any time together and every time i get off work he is exhausted and wants to sleep but then i cant sleep because who knows why and cause i am homesick so i wake him up because i am wide awake and bored and we are both grumpy and cranky. *phew* that was a mouthful. I wanted to take a shower with him and he told me not tonight.. because he wanted to do it fast and get into bed. tomorrow is our only day off together in like two weeks and what will he be doing? Working on his car which is half the reason there is tension in this house...because its broken and he has to take his moms car everything. So what am i going to do? Sit around and with we were doing something fun. Even though what the fuck would we do? We cant spend money so we'd sit around doing nothing. I swear i live in some big as fucking circle where life keeps going up and down and all around. Infact thats very true and everyone has these problems but you wanna know whats even more fucked up..the fact that we were supposedly placed on this earth to live these bullshit lives.
O and guess what. Next week i have to pay for my account at twenty four hour fitness and i havent even gone in two months because Jeff's back is fucked up and i dont want to make him drive there for nothing. Not to mention i have no motivation to go and my stomache is fat as hell. I did lose two pounds. Yay i am down to 138 pounds. thats disusting! I never though i would get so fat. I hate it. I cant do anything about it. I am just a fat frumpy bitchy crazy little girl who needs help or something.
I bet i have cancer too. Only i am serious. I have all these random ass pains but i cannot go to the doctor because i have no fucking health insurrance and thats just a whole different set of problems.
I am depressed because i was almost able to write an entire poem. I love faking that i am ok when im not. Yep its awesome. I love my life too :-D. I wonder if you could see my face if you would think i was lying.
*sigh* i want to cry. I want to keep writing and vent some more but i am not going to. I am going to go make peace with my love and try to grab a hold of all this bullshit swirling around inside of my fucked up head.
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK
.