(no subject)
Monster Within
There is a monster that lives within me and I have never really given much thought to its existence until very very recently. When I get angry I stop being myself and the monster takes over. The whole transformation takes but seconds, and I find my own consciousness taking a back seat when the monster comes out. I lose control and I say things and I do things that I bear witness to but cannot comprehend. I end up with just recollections of angry conversations and the broken shards of shattered glassware. I end up bearing the responsibilities of having to apologise and the regrets to live with.
I know the monster within exists because other people have seen it. Flashes of anger that streak across my face, my eyes narrow within knotted brows, they glow red like embers from suddenly deep-set sockets, my fingers curl into a half-clenched fist and my finger nails extend into sharp scalpel-claws ready to rip flesh into ribbons. For that momentary second, when people see that monster the image is so shocking that it is enough to make them fear me forever after. They confide in me after that they now fear me so much that they must always be mindful of the things that they say, for to offend me means unleashing the monster and as the monster is wont to do, they fear that I might obliterate them in a fury of violent fang gnashing and flesh rending.
This monster, is a pitiful monster. It has been beaten, caged and abused to the point where it knows no other alternative except fighting back tooth-and-nail to preserve its own existence. It is not so unfamiliar to me and for a time I was happy to let it come out and take over the reigns of my life. In the jungle it had incredible strength, stamina and speed. Its sense of smell and situational awareness for danger was so acute. I swore that it made me akin to fighting, stalking and killing. I reveled in the prowess it gave me and I felt truly free when I ran alongside it in the morning shroud of haze, or when we trod side by side through marshy soil, when we huddled together shivering in swollen rain and when we slept curled up and in never-ending fatigue. He was my best friend then.
But with less and less need for him now, I fear the monster is becoming a liability. When I was drunk the other night, it came out and wrought havoc. And now that I am in a relationship I cannot bear to lose, it lashes out for fear of abandonment and envy. A jealous monster that I have tamed into a house-pet, is far too dangerous to keep. I should let it go, release it for I no longer need it to make me sane. So I am determined to unleash it, undo the choke-collar that I had kept fastened around its neck, and scare it off with rocks and screams - I watch it bound into the forest with a sad look of confusion in its eyes.
Eyes that say that its been abandoned, like I'd made use of it and that I am the real monster.
There is a monster that lives within me and I have never really given much thought to its existence until very very recently. When I get angry I stop being myself and the monster takes over. The whole transformation takes but seconds, and I find my own consciousness taking a back seat when the monster comes out. I lose control and I say things and I do things that I bear witness to but cannot comprehend. I end up with just recollections of angry conversations and the broken shards of shattered glassware. I end up bearing the responsibilities of having to apologise and the regrets to live with.
I know the monster within exists because other people have seen it. Flashes of anger that streak across my face, my eyes narrow within knotted brows, they glow red like embers from suddenly deep-set sockets, my fingers curl into a half-clenched fist and my finger nails extend into sharp scalpel-claws ready to rip flesh into ribbons. For that momentary second, when people see that monster the image is so shocking that it is enough to make them fear me forever after. They confide in me after that they now fear me so much that they must always be mindful of the things that they say, for to offend me means unleashing the monster and as the monster is wont to do, they fear that I might obliterate them in a fury of violent fang gnashing and flesh rending.
This monster, is a pitiful monster. It has been beaten, caged and abused to the point where it knows no other alternative except fighting back tooth-and-nail to preserve its own existence. It is not so unfamiliar to me and for a time I was happy to let it come out and take over the reigns of my life. In the jungle it had incredible strength, stamina and speed. Its sense of smell and situational awareness for danger was so acute. I swore that it made me akin to fighting, stalking and killing. I reveled in the prowess it gave me and I felt truly free when I ran alongside it in the morning shroud of haze, or when we trod side by side through marshy soil, when we huddled together shivering in swollen rain and when we slept curled up and in never-ending fatigue. He was my best friend then.
But with less and less need for him now, I fear the monster is becoming a liability. When I was drunk the other night, it came out and wrought havoc. And now that I am in a relationship I cannot bear to lose, it lashes out for fear of abandonment and envy. A jealous monster that I have tamed into a house-pet, is far too dangerous to keep. I should let it go, release it for I no longer need it to make me sane. So I am determined to unleash it, undo the choke-collar that I had kept fastened around its neck, and scare it off with rocks and screams - I watch it bound into the forest with a sad look of confusion in its eyes.
Eyes that say that its been abandoned, like I'd made use of it and that I am the real monster.