psy·che 1 n. (sī'kē)
I know what I'm feeling I just need to start typing and perhaps it'll just flow out better if I do it this way. I type a lot of messages out to myself, but this will be one that I will leave public because I think it's an important thing to realize.
By no means to I feel old, but.. lately I've been feeling older than I should be. It's this weird disconnect between my brain and my actions, my mentality and my environment. I feel like I'm acting and moving forward or moving not quite forward because I don't really feel progression just.. frustration.
I know I've said it before in here, and it comes off as ungrateful, but I'm not ready for this whole thing, this life yet.. it actually extends beyond work, something I realized just today, or fully realized I should say. I've felt it a few times before but nothing so major as this morning.
Today was the great pillow fight flash mob on campus. Being as how I'm friends with the coordinators, and was invited via Facebook, I was in the know. PFFlash mob is basically a group of people (hundreds RSVP-ed, only 50 or so had pillows), at the sound of the air horn, start wailing on each other till the horn goes off again, in which everyone walks away like nothing happened. It was great great fun, believe me. Even KATC was there, and The Daily Advertiser. It'll be on YouTube shortly. My camera batteries died just before the actual fight began, so all I have is prep.
We returned to the honors lounge after for a breather. And, I just felt like I didn't belong in there.
I know all these people, I went to school with them, and it hasn't yet been a year since graduating.. but I just felt like I shouldn't be there. Stupid I know, and I had a few people personally greeting me like it had been ages, when in truth it's only been a few weeks or so since seeing most of them. I go to the honors parties, the things my friends are doing.. and I feel out of place, like I'm invading, specifically like I'm that guy that keeps hanging around, long after he's been out of school and only some people know who he is. Yes, it's over thought, yes, these people are my friends so, no, it shouldn't matter. I should be used to being the older guy with the group of younger friends.
But, and here's where it gets deeper for those still reading (thanks by the by).. All those times I felt like I was still on that level. Because I was, actually. I didn't even question level or status, I just was because we were and I was there. All through high school (middle school even!), and college, I tended to be older than a lot of my friends. But, we were all experiencing the same things, same hang outs on campuses, off campuses, same time, same place. There were no levels because nobody else was higher or lower than anyone, other than grade level, which didn't make much of a difference because you were all in the same place.
Now, I'm not. I'm.. done with school (for now).. I'm working full time, I have more insurances than I'm taking advantage of, more bills than I'd like but I'm managing them. I'm automatically (and forcefully) placed into a new category, a new level, and.. I'm uncomfortable here. Now anyway. Everyone is bitching about classes, about tests, about professors they can't understand.. hell, even about debts. I'm removed from all of that, and by the vary nature of the beast, I feel removed from most of the people I spend time with. I can't identify with it anymore, and.. it spins my head.
Responsibility, what's that, responsibility, not quite yet... Oh, the song of the graduating junior. I flashback to this inside joke to which only one of you will immediately recognize seeing as how it's your own, while by proxy few others should remember..
I'm afraid of this feeling continuing. Of this disconnect getting wider and wider until I put away the comics and the cartoons and just start working. It's a far off concept but.. it's what I'm really afraid of. This Peter Pan complex is truly pulling me to strange places.
Maybe.. maybe this is why I put so damn much emphasis on being with someone, dating, falling in love.. I see what people in love actually do. How they act. It's.. childhood immortalized. It's being giddy when that person walks through the door, butterflies that never truly go away, nor do you want them to. It's passing notes under the desk, in whatever form that takes, text messages or just saying aloud how much that person means. It's adults people, being honest, and not holding back. Yes, my views of what real love is are still rather ideal but it's all I have to go on and.. it's, I guess, more of what I'm afraid of losing. I want to feel the ways I do about finding and keeping love, because maybe that's now how it is, but how it's supposed to be.
This whole thing may also explain why I want to be in and take so many pictures. Proof of my being there, in that moment, as who I am then, who we were then. At least in some way, ideals aren't lost that way. Which, according to last night and the sad, but true fact that the Cult Yearbook photo is something I'm not in.. because I'm not a student. Which, we're going to try to submit the larger picture anyway but.. it sucks that there's no yearbook proof of it. at all, while I was a student at UL. Proof I did *something* while I was there.
I have my pictures, and I have my friends (my family), I have a crappy but well loved t-shirt I made when the troupe didn't follow through with plans. and.. I have my tattoo, which I love and bear happily to everyone, something I am proud of having been a part of.
I would love this job a lot more if I were volunteering to do it.
~*~*~*~*~
It's almost been 24 hours since this post went up. It went private at first because I was not finished with it, and I needed it to be done.
I feel like I'm slowly falling apart, forgetting deadlines, just wanting to disappear for a bit to think everything through. Take a personal day, but I can't because I've meetings to attend to, responsibilities. And I've never been the one to so blatantly disregard obligations (I do so with passivity and distractions) as to take off with but a note on the door saying when I'd be back and not to call.
My boss calls me into his office yesterday to have a talk. He asks how comfortable I am with the position, how I'm feeling, and that he feels that my decision to go to grad school is because I am uncomfortable with where I'm currently at, but that school is going back to that safe environment because it's all I really know. He feels that I would be doing myself a great disservice if I head off to school so quickly, because while I would be learning and building my knowledge, it's in the application that you truly learn. I don't have "life experience".
I don't have life experience.
He pretty much nailed me in this place right now. I readily admit that I'm uncomfortable here. It all seems too big right now. And, everything is new and just.. I feel lonely in so many ways. I'm surrounded by people, and my friends, but, I feel isolated. Like, trying to go out of my way to make sure that everyone is having fun, but, am I having fun in the process? Do I feel like I can have fun? Why or why not? (Please answer in short essay form, 500-word max).
I like my job, but I always said that I'd feel more comfortable if I were in a volunteer position, if I were just one of the group and not the coordinator, but is that because I am lazy and feel like I could cop out at anytime.. because it'd be easier to give it up and move on if I didn't see results.. you can stop being right any time now Ryan.
I've been here for a year. I've taken fantastic trips, and made great friends. I test and prevention counsel everyday people who might not know about HIV and how to have fun while being safe.. I have this great opportunity to actually show people the alternatives.. and I haven't. I haven't stood up very much at all, haven't moved the program beyond what it was when I was here part time. No major promotions, no big events, and no major group changes.. All stagnant and I'm beyond frustrated with it to just wanting to scream and I wonder aloud all the time if I'm really doing everything I can and should be getting out of this experience and I'm always telling myself no but I haven’t gotten out of my head enough to get off my ass because I'm freakin scared or can't move people enough to want to do the wonderful things we talk about every meeting. It's a lot, and it sucks sometimes.
Interesting thing is, I talk and talk and talk of grad school, where I'm going and all that jazz.. but I haven't gotten off my ass about that either. I'm lazy and, it's pathetic and I am so much at fault for all of it. I haven’t written my statement yet, haven't bothered those I need to about letters, haven’t even formally talked with heads and instructors. NOTHING. As if the rest of my damn life will be filled with miraculous moments in time and I'll be handed everything I'll ever need. There's faith and there's gullibility. I've proven to be the latter far too often, just waiting for things to happen.. I know this too.
I am spoiled. Not in a great-nor-apparent way, nor does it distract from my personal relationships but.. all this thinking and typing, I’m embarrassed that this seems like such a problem. Oh no, wah, what do I do, do I keep my job with really awesome opportunities to actually accomplish something, or do I go to grad school to better myself academically? I don’t need your fucking guilt, I’m already there.
I need to think, really, weigh myself. I know the things that I want, but are they the things I need.. that’s the overriding question. That’s the summation of everything. That’s where this entry stops.