(no subject)
argggg. today i took a wrong turn and ended up right down the street from his house. all at once i just realized how fucked up things were, and how badly i did want to be with him, when all the while i knew that he was something that wouldn't fit into my life in any way. and now when i perhaps do have space for him, in some sort of screwed up way, hes just dissapeared from my life completely. things we SOOOO much better when he still worked with me, and when he left i was all worried that i'd never see him again, but then he actually called me for the next two weeks, so we did see eachother. then i was like well maybe this wont be so bad, but then... NOTHING. its so depressing getting off work at like 3 in the morning, going home, and willing someone to call you, while you think up all the possible scenarios that could be keeping them from doing so. then finally i'll fall asleep after debating on whether i should just call him up and end up crying and screaming at him, or just try to forget about him. but subconsciously the only thing allowing my mind to just stop obsessing is the comfort that perhaps i'll just drift off, not hear the phone ring, but i'll get the message in the morning. not recieving a call that you've been hoping for all week is just somehow easier to deal with on a sunday morning, after a night of some kind of sleep, as opossed to after you've been up running around all freaking night, dealing with discusting drunk fucks, who refuse to go away even after theres just no food left! the sad thing though is that chandler ended up calling me after work, and a while ago that would have been like such a reasurring thing that would have made me all happy, but this time i actually didn't give a shit. i was just like wow, i so badly don't want to talk to you right now, why did it have to be you not him. i officially hate boys that have it in them to make me feel this way.