It was a quiet day in Heaven. Of course, now that the apocalypse had been averted and no new plans were forthcoming, every day was a quiet day
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In heaven, of course Gabriel was not crab shaped...he wasn't really shaped at all, at least not unless eyes were upon him, so for the point of this exercise, we'll just say he looks like a crab.
"Look at him. Were it not one of the Seven deadlies, I'd almost accuse myself of envy. Honestly, what is it about sushi??"
Maybe, Gabriel was feeling a bit of kinmanship to his seafoodish form.
Metatron sniffed. He wasn't as much of a sushi fan as Gabriel, but that might have had something to do with the fact that he'd never had sushi. Beams of light have no mouths, you know. Not that Metatron was a beam of light in Heaven. But then again, Heaven had no sushi restaurants.
"Isn't Lust supposed to be one of the Seven Deadlies? he asked, his voice just a bit on the prim side. "Really, I'm starting to think he's getting a bit sidetracked. And they both take things far too seriously. Did you see that whole fuss in the gardens the other day? All that fretting over the Plan and the Tree and the purpose of mortals."
Gabriel cocked his head and then gave it a shake and turned his attention to something that needed his attention. Well, actually it was just a minor flood, nothing more than a group of chiuahuas being forced to swim about but the owner of the chiuahuas really was praying up a storm, so Gabriel felt he should do something.
"I think the jury is out these days on the idea of Lust. I mean, really it's sort of a hard one to enforce, you know. Especially given the procreation argument. I mean it's good for a nice self flagellation now and again but in the day to day..."
Gabriel shrugged and then after some thought he sent an upended Weber grill past the chiuahuas. As the little dogs clambered aboard the grill, Gabriel grinned at Metatron.
"Look, I made hot dogs."
Yeah...things were pretty dull.
"They were starting to pontificate a bit, I agree. But Aziraphale's always had that bit of quirk to him when he gets to dithering about mortals and Earth."
Metatron eyed the other angel with an expression that suggested he had been putting up with Gabriel's sense of humor for a very long time.
"OH, DOESN'T HE THOUGH? He snorted. "IT'S TIRESOME, REALLY. YOU'D THINK HE'D BEEN ELECTED THE GUARDIAN OF THE WORLD'S PIETY OR SOME SUCH THING. GOING ON AND ON ABOUT HOW SAD THE WORLD IS, HOW NO ONE HAS FAITH IN THEMSELVES ANYMORE, HOW VITAL THE STRUGGLE IS TO THE GREATER GOOD OF MANKIND'S SENSE OF SELF-WORTH OR WHATEVER KICK IT IS HE'S ON THESE DAYS."
A sudden excursion down to have a word with a nun who was beginning to get her religious visions confused with her daydreams briefly interrupted the discussion.
"HONESTLY, WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE KEEP THINKING THEY SEE THE VIRGIN'S FACE IN FOODSTUFFS? WHAT SORT OF A MIRACLE HAPPENS ON A PIECE OF TOAST? ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING...HE'S GETTING TO BE ALMOST TOO POMPOUS TO BEAR."
"I sort of liked the grilled cheese sandwich deal a few years back. I particularly enjoyed the irony that the person used it to explain their success at gambling. Though I imagine the laying on of hands but with a petrified grilled cheese...can you imagine it? 'I will lay this combination of stale bread and moldy dairy product upon your head and ye shall be healed!' Yeah, don't know that you'd get much play with that."
Gabriel paused as if just now realizing he was rambling.
"What were we... oh right, Aziraphale being pompous. And you know, he's just going to get worse, now that he's promoted. I mean, do you remember how utterly unbearable he was when he was cherubim? All pious and dutiful and constantly spouting off on the knowledge of HIM? It was a stroke of good fortune that he got all turned about by Eve expecting and went and gave them that silly sword. Took him down a few pegs."
"THE GRILLED CHEESE WAS A SILLY STUNT. BUT SOME OF THEM WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING, WON'T THEY?"
There was a long pause during which Metatron contemplated a scheme. A scheme that had slowly been forming in his mind throughout the conversation.
"YOU KNOW...IT ISN'T LIKELY HE'LL MAKE THAT SORT OF MISTAKE AGAIN. HE'S GOT HIMSELF ALL WORKED UP OVER THE IDEA OF FALLING NOW. HE'S JUST GOING TO GET WORSE AND WORSE. PROBABLY START LECTURING US SOON. YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD THE THINGS HE SAID TO ME WHEN I WENT DOWN THERE TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE PROMOTION."
"Do something to acknowle..." Gabriel began in a disbeliving tone but after a few stammered words, he paused catching the subtle nuance in the VOICE's...err...voice.
Metatron knew immediately that he'd hooked Gabriel, so to speak, and he started to sound a bit smug.
"OH NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT. WHERE WOULD BE THE CHALLENGE? HE'D PROBABLY LIKE SWALLOWING GOLDFISH, WHAT WITH HIS OBSESSION WITH GRAVLAX. NO...I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOUR REMARK ABOUT TAKING HIM DOWN A PEG. JUST GIVE HIS EGO A LITTLE PRICK. REMIND HIM THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN BEING DEMOTED TO PRINCIPALITY."
Was he drawing things out a bit more than necessary? Perhaps. But he was enjoying seeing Gabriel scramble desperately to appear proper and disinterested while still trying to wheedle information.
He'd always thought Gabriel was just a little bit prissy.
Gabriel derailed that line of thought quickly, because the goal here was poking at Aziraphale, rather than nipping at each other's heels. After all, he and Metatron had been riding each other's cases for the past few milinium, it was time to go after new blood. So to speak.
"Aziraphale's fairly...well...Graceful. It takes a lot to prick at his ego you know, despite it's overwhelming size. You really think you've got the answer?"
Just, professional curiosity you see and in no way a small niggle at Metatron's own ego, to suggest that the VOICE of HIM might not be up to the task.
"SIZE, YES. THAT'S PRECISELY IT, ISN'T IT? WHAT WOULD UPSET SOMEONE AS GRACEFUL AS AZIRAPHALE, WITH HIS SORT OF EGO, AND HIS OBSESSION WITH RANK AND DEMOTION? NOT TO MENTION HOW QUICKLY HE'S TAKEN TO EXERCISING THIS NEW...RATHER MILITANT SORT OF SLANT HIS GIVEN HIS RESPONSIBILITIES LATELY. I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW FREQUENTLY HE'S BEEN PULLING OUT HIS SWORD RECENTLY?"
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as Metatron realized the double entendre implicit in his remark.
"ER...ANYWAY. THIS IS WHAT I HAD IN MIND. HOW MUCH CONTACT DO YOU HAVE WITH THE CUPIDS?"
"None actually. Have you seen the little buggers recently? They're absolute downers, been depressed since February. Something about romance being dead and it's all about the money these days. I swear they're starting to sound like the SON."
Gabriel rambled on until Metatron's meaning finally sank in.
"Oh...oh but Aziraphale, never liked the cupids...or rather, he never liked the fact that the cupids were the image of angels that mortals seemed to hang on to...rather like his feeling on harps."
"QUITE," Metatron replied, with a satisfied sort of slyness to his voice. "AND THEIR POWERS -- ALL FLOWERS AND AFFECTION AND WARM PUPPY FEELINGS. NOT A BIT OF SMITING OR THWARTING IN THE WHOLE LOT OF THEM. REALLY, AZIRAPHALE SHOULD COUNT HIS BLESSINGS THAT HE WASN'T DEMOTED ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM OVER THAT BIT WITH THE SWORD. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW HE'D REACT?"
Oh yes, there was definitely a tiny little scheming streak in the VOICE.
"Look at him. Were it not one of the Seven deadlies, I'd almost accuse myself of envy. Honestly, what is it about sushi??"
Maybe, Gabriel was feeling a bit of kinmanship to his seafoodish form.
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"Isn't Lust supposed to be one of the Seven Deadlies? he asked, his voice just a bit on the prim side. "Really, I'm starting to think he's getting a bit sidetracked. And they both take things far too seriously. Did you see that whole fuss in the gardens the other day? All that fretting over the Plan and the Tree and the purpose of mortals."
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"I think the jury is out these days on the idea of Lust. I mean, really it's sort of a hard one to enforce, you know. Especially given the procreation argument. I mean it's good for a nice self flagellation now and again but in the day to day..."
Gabriel shrugged and then after some thought he sent an upended Weber grill past the chiuahuas. As the little dogs clambered aboard the grill, Gabriel grinned at Metatron.
"Look, I made hot dogs."
Yeah...things were pretty dull.
"They were starting to pontificate a bit, I agree. But Aziraphale's always had that bit of quirk to him when he gets to dithering about mortals and Earth."
Reply
"OH, DOESN'T HE THOUGH? He snorted. "IT'S TIRESOME, REALLY. YOU'D THINK HE'D BEEN ELECTED THE GUARDIAN OF THE WORLD'S PIETY OR SOME SUCH THING. GOING ON AND ON ABOUT HOW SAD THE WORLD IS, HOW NO ONE HAS FAITH IN THEMSELVES ANYMORE, HOW VITAL THE STRUGGLE IS TO THE GREATER GOOD OF MANKIND'S SENSE OF SELF-WORTH OR WHATEVER KICK IT IS HE'S ON THESE DAYS."
A sudden excursion down to have a word with a nun who was beginning to get her religious visions confused with her daydreams briefly interrupted the discussion.
"HONESTLY, WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE KEEP THINKING THEY SEE THE VIRGIN'S FACE IN FOODSTUFFS? WHAT SORT OF A MIRACLE HAPPENS ON A PIECE OF TOAST? ANYWAY, AS I WAS SAYING...HE'S GETTING TO BE ALMOST TOO POMPOUS TO BEAR."
Reply
Gabriel paused as if just now realizing he was rambling.
"What were we... oh right, Aziraphale being pompous. And you know, he's just going to get worse, now that he's promoted. I mean, do you remember how utterly unbearable he was when he was cherubim? All pious and dutiful and constantly spouting off on the knowledge of HIM? It was a stroke of good fortune that he got all turned about by Eve expecting and went and gave them that silly sword. Took him down a few pegs."
Reply
There was a long pause during which Metatron contemplated a scheme. A scheme that had slowly been forming in his mind throughout the conversation.
"YOU KNOW...IT ISN'T LIKELY HE'LL MAKE THAT SORT OF MISTAKE AGAIN. HE'S GOT HIMSELF ALL WORKED UP OVER THE IDEA OF FALLING NOW. HE'S JUST GOING TO GET WORSE AND WORSE. PROBABLY START LECTURING US SOON. YOU SHOULD HAVE HEARD THE THINGS HE SAID TO ME WHEN I WENT DOWN THERE TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE PROMOTION."
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"Tell me about it. Now that he's got a mortal all his own to protect and really, nice as that mortal is, he isn't helping the situation."
Gabriel sighed again but he looked over at Metatron, who just had that... plotting air about him.
"What are you thinking, Metatron?"
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Another long pause, as Metatron milked Gabriel's interest a bit. He was the Voice of HIM, after all, and he knew how to work an audience.
"I SAY WE DO SOMETHING TO ACKNOWLEDGE AZIRAPHALE'S PROMOTION. WELCOME HIM BACK UP INTO THE RANKS, SO TO SPEAK. HAVE A LITTLE...FUN."
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"Ahhhh...something, special, you're thinking?"
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There was a tone of something very like slyness in Metatron's voice.
"HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A FRATERNITY CONDUCT A...WELCOMING RITUAL FOR THEIR NEW MEMBERS?
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"Just how much free time do you have in between giving nuns visions? Why would I pay attention to the decadence that is a fraternity?"
Gabriel was outraged, he was huffy he was...
"You think we should make Aziraphale swollow 30 goldfish?"
A bit of a hypocrite.
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"OH NO, NOTHING LIKE THAT. WHERE WOULD BE THE CHALLENGE? HE'D PROBABLY LIKE SWALLOWING GOLDFISH, WHAT WITH HIS OBSESSION WITH GRAVLAX. NO...I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOUR REMARK ABOUT TAKING HIM DOWN A PEG. JUST GIVE HIS EGO A LITTLE PRICK. REMIND HIM THAT THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAN BEING DEMOTED TO PRINCIPALITY."
Was he drawing things out a bit more than necessary? Perhaps. But he was enjoying seeing Gabriel scramble desperately to appear proper and disinterested while still trying to wheedle information.
He'd always thought Gabriel was just a little bit prissy.
Reply
Gabriel derailed that line of thought quickly, because the goal here was poking at Aziraphale, rather than nipping at each other's heels. After all, he and Metatron had been riding each other's cases for the past few milinium, it was time to go after new blood. So to speak.
"Aziraphale's fairly...well...Graceful. It takes a lot to prick at his ego you know, despite it's overwhelming size. You really think you've got the answer?"
Just, professional curiosity you see and in no way a small niggle at Metatron's own ego, to suggest that the VOICE of HIM might not be up to the task.
Reply
There was a moment of uncomfortable silence as Metatron realized the double entendre implicit in his remark.
"ER...ANYWAY. THIS IS WHAT I HAD IN MIND. HOW MUCH CONTACT DO YOU HAVE WITH THE CUPIDS?"
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"None actually. Have you seen the little buggers recently? They're absolute downers, been depressed since February. Something about romance being dead and it's all about the money these days. I swear they're starting to sound like the SON."
Gabriel rambled on until Metatron's meaning finally sank in.
"Oh...oh but Aziraphale, never liked the cupids...or rather, he never liked the fact that the cupids were the image of angels that mortals seemed to hang on to...rather like his feeling on harps."
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Oh yes, there was definitely a tiny little scheming streak in the VOICE.
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