.as if it were all up to you.
so we sat down last night and TALKED. and i wasnt holding back, ive cried so much, so it doesnt bother me that much anymore. ive thought about SO MANY things. like what it would be like without him, or us taking a break. and those things are so hard to think about. ive grown so attatched im not sure what life is like outside of this.
this whole thing started off by me asking him what his mom thought of me when she first met me!! HAHA, 'she thought you were a fucking weirdo' THANKS MOM!
well, after that he said 'sometimes i do believe she loves you more than she does me.' and i asked him if he regreted me....and thats where it all started.
ash2caleb-do you regret me?- 'not ALL the time' umm, im not so sure what to think of that..im not THAT bad. i dont think im bad at all, i just cant seem to find anyone that likes me anymore. ;-/
caleb2ash-do you regret me?- 'why would i be here right now if i did?' why would i be tryin so damn hard if i regreted it, i do regret going this far with it, and not living more. not doing other things, meetin other people. i never really had a chance to do that. but i dont regret HIM.
ash2caleb-why are you with me if you dont CARE as much as you say.- through most of everything we talked about he just sat and listend bc i really told him what i thought this time. hes always saying, 'i dont care' he doesnt try anything.
i told him my 'idea' that he was stayin with me for my car, and he laughed, but then got pissed off. i really do get that feeling a lot. im asked him why he was always threating to leave me now that he is about to get a vehicle. he was pissed. but hey, so was i.
i REALLY told him my feelings. i said things i normally wouldnt say bc i cant stand being so unhappy. its enough that HE is the only person i can talk to, and when i do talk to him he is off in some other world, and hes like 'ohh, what did you say?' UGH! i CANT stand that. i hate repeating everything i fucking say. there is so much more we need to talk about...i told him when he was walkin out the door tonite that we need to finish this soon, bc its SERIOUS now. i NEED other people, i want to have a life outside of him, but after most my friends basically STOPPED talking to me, PSH!!!!!, tryin to make new friends is a bitch. i dont want new friends, ugh. ughughughugh.
so basically, im about to start really kicking things into high gear and really tryin to make a life for myself, or atleast one i can half way understand and live with. one of the most awful things in this world would HAVE TO BE sittin in an empty house talking to people on the internet in your pajamas DREAMING about actually hanging out with them or leaving the fucking house. WORST.
brit, thanks for being the ONLY one, through all of this, to talk to me about it, and really be MY friend. and really care.
oh and i told someone about my 'problem' HAHA and now i think he thinks im a fucking WEIRDO also. aint life grand!