Old beginnings and new endings.
So I was going to see my father. The words still sounded strange, even in my head. My father. Holtz was my father, this...this vampire was only blood. I still had trouble thinking about it without feeling that familiar stab of anger, of impotent bitterness
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"Yeah, hi, oh-eloquent one." I shot back at Angel sarcastically, all but glaring at him as he stepped into the lobby to face me. I wasn't particularly furious with him at the moment, at least not any more than usual. But at this point, it had become almost a knee-jerk reaction to get cold and surly with him whenever we talked. Just seeing him made me confused and angry all over again. I never felt this way with Wes or Buffy.
But then again, I never felt that connection with Wesley or Buffy that I did with Angel, either. No matter how kind they were to me, how much they took care of me and cared about me, neither of them would ever be my father. They'd never be my blood. And as much as I hated to admit it, Angel was. This vampire was my father, and nothing was going to change that. I resented him and wanted desperately to please kill him.
"And, uh...hi." I said finally, my expression melting into a blank one. No matter how I tried to slice it, he'd shown me nothing but love and kindness since I'd showed up. And it made me sick. And oddly triumphant-feeling. And okay, maybe a little loved. It was nice to know that there was someone who felt the same things that I did, who knew what it was to be a killer. Who had a place in fate's plan that he couldn't escape, like me.
That didn't mean I was going to be all lovey father-son with him, though. He was still a hellspawn, still a demon.
Still my father.
Damn it.
"Um, I have to talk to you." I finally finished lamely. "There's some stuff happening, and well...I think I might leave. Wesley and Buffy want me to go to Sunnydale with them. And uh, I'm thinking of maybe going."
I hated how uncertain I sounded, hated how confused Angel made me feel. Holtz had never made me feel this way. Everything had always been clear-cut with him. Still, I braced myself. If I knew my father, he wasn't going to like this at all.
Of course, I couldn't honestly say that I did know him. So maybe he wouldn't even care.
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I flinched when he spoke that way to me. Shouldn't really have been surprised, but it still felt harsh. As I looked at him, I couldn't help but think of the reason he was upset with me, then came Holtz, then came Wesley's betrayal.. Alright, enough. Enough with the constant thinking back on thing everytime I thought or saw my son. Enough.
"And, uh...hi."
Okay, that was a little better.
"Um, I have to talk to you. There's some stuff happening, and well...I think I might leave. Wesley and Buffy want me to go to Sunnydale with them. And uh, I'm thinking of maybe going."
He.. what?! There's.. stuff happening that's causing him to leave with Buffy and Wesley.. Alright. I know that the look on my face isn't exactly a pleasant one right now. He looked and sounded uncertain about all this. I was actually even surprised that he came to me and told me. Surprising that he didn't send Buffy or hell, even Wesley to come and tell me about all this.
I stood there for a minute, speechless. I had no idea what to say to him. Did I want him to go? No. Could I keep him from going? No. Did I want him to stay here and be alright with his father being a vampire? Yes. Besides.. why were Buffy and Wesley going to Sunnydale - and together?
Sighing, I looked down, my arms crossed. I tried to keep myself cool, but I wasn't sure how long that was going to last if he reacted like he did when I just said hi.
"Look, Connor, I'm not sure that's such a good idea." Meaning, I don't want you to go. "Couldn't you just.. come back here and stay for a while?" I want you to stay the hell away from Wesley, and I don't want you living with him. "You could have your own room.. and at the end of the hallway that wasn't near mine.." You don't have to see me at all if you don't want to. "I-I.. just would rather you not go to Sunnydale with them." Again, stay the hell away from Wesley.
Now, I knew that probably wouldn't work cause, well, it never had before. But hey, I couldn't do much else. It's not like I could lock him in a cage and keep him from ever seeing Wesley again.. hey.. No, Angel, you can't do that.
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"Look, Connor, I'm not sure that's such a good idea."
"I figured as much."
"Couldn't you just.. come back here and stay for a while?"
I shrugged, desperately trying to keep my voice nonchalant. But me head was spinning as I looked at him from where I stood. This wasn't an unusual occurance.
"I guess I could." I said, pleased with how casual my voice sounded. "I just thought, since you know...I mean, let's face it, Angel, I'm probably not the most popular guy around here."
Thinking back on it, I decided I couldn't blame the others, the ones who worked for my father, for thinking that I was dangerous and insane. The first thing they'd seen me do upon arriving in this dimension was try to kill their boss. And from what I'd been seeing since I'd been here in this strange and confusing "LA", was that my father was something of a hero around here. And I'd attacked him, tried to kill him. So that made me the villain, right?
But they just didn't understand. My father had to die. Because otherwise, I was going to be the son of a demon. A vampire. And so help me, I was The Destroyer. I was not about to allow that to happen. On top of that, I still had my doubts about how Holtz had died. I didn't trust Angel, and I didn't trust his friends.
Of course, I didn't completely trust Buffy and Wesley either. But at least more so than my father. They were hellspawned freaks, after all. Holtz had taught me better than this. I almost took it as personal insult that this vampire would dare to call himself my father. And knowing that it was true made the salt in the sound sting even more.
Still. He'd been kind to me. He'd told me he loved me, something Holtz had very rarely, if ever, done. He'd just accepted this son of his who'd dropped out of the sky and had tried to be the best father he could. I felt a pull whenever I was near him, the connection of two destined warriors, I suppose. Perhaps in this dimension fathers and sons had some kind of psychic link.
As much as I wanted to, I couldn't completely hate him.
But damnit, I'd sure as hell try.
"You could have your own room.. and at the end of the hallway that wasn't near mine...I-I.. just would rather you not go to Sunnydale with them."
He sounded so sadly unsure that for a moment I softened, looking at him. For a moment, a flash in time, I saw him for the confused, almost-scared new father he was. For a moment I recognized how much he loved me and how desperately he wanted to be not just my father, but my 'dad'.
"It's not a bad idea." I said weakly, a little stunned at what I'd just seen in him. "I...I just thought that since, you know, most of the people here would probably enjoy seeing me leave, and Buffy and Wes really seem to like me and want me around...I just thought that in the end, it would be better for everyone."
In that moment, everything fell down onto my shoulders, all that had happened, and I wanted nothing more than to collapse into his arms and cry onto his shoulder for a while. And then bury a stake into his back.
Maybe.
Maybe not, though.
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I sighed when he spoke. This talk was going to be just like all the others. I try to get him to stay and he treats me like the demon.. which I am.
"I guess I could. I just thought, since you know...I mean, let's face it, Angel, I'm probably not the most popular guy around here."
I swear, if I had a heart that actually did beat.. it would have stopped. I did my best not to get too excited about him actually agreeing to stay. That would probably just scare him off again. Though, I couldn't keep a small smile off my face.
"Y-You'd stay?" I took a single step towards him, but stopped. It wasn't like our relationship developed enough from one coversation so I could just go over and hug him or anything.
"Connor.. I'm sure that if you stayed everyone would be alright." Well.. for the most part. As long as he didn't go on an 'I have to kill my father who is a vampire' rampage again. "They're just.. well, nervous around you I guess."
"It's not a bad idea. I...I just thought that since, you know, most of the people here would probably enjoy seeing me leave, and Buffy and Wes really seem to like me and want me around...I just thought that in the end, it would be better for everyone."
He was partly right. I knew of a few people who wouldn't have minded him leaving. The thing was, I wasn't one of them. If he left again.. I'd probably go after him. Suddenly, I got all 'Father happy'. Of course they like him. Who wouldn't? Well.. let's not go there.
"I'm sure that if you stayed.. everyone would be fine after a little while. Everyone just.. they just have to get used to the idea of you staying here. Everything will be fine."
And it would. If Connor stayed? I did my best to keep my happy Father joy hidden. This was just a small step, but for me - it was huge.
"Buffy and Wes.." Why did those two names keep being said together. It was almost as if.. wait, no. Not going there. "..They'll be fine if and when they go back to Sunnydale."
I looked at him for a minute, wanting to know what was going on through his head. If he stayed, that would save me a stern talk with Buffy.. and Wes.
"So.. will you stay?.. You can have any room in the hotel that you want. There's plenty of them." Alright, don't get too excited, Dad.. uh Angel.
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His voice broke a little, and I felt a rush of something uncomfortable in my stomach. Why did he have to sound so nervous, so eager to keep me around? Why did he have to look at me with that confused, sad look, as if everything I said broke his heart a little more or something? It made it so much harder to hate him the way I should have.
The way you do, Connor. The way you do. No matter how 'nice' a guy he is, he's still a demon. Don't forget that. Remember, Holtz told you they were cunning creatures. He's just waiting for you to let your guard down.
The words ran through my head like a mantra, like the Pledge of Allegiance. Like something you recite to yourself out of instinct, but don't really believe or understand.
Did I still believe those words? I had to, I decided, looking at Angel. I had to, or I'd fall. I'd crack, I'd slip. I'd let him become a part of me, and then I'd never be able to eliminate him.
Which you've had many opportunities to do, and never have, I reminded myself.
The question is, why not?
Angel confused me like nothing ever had before.
"Connor.. I'm sure that if you stayed everyone would be alright."
"I doubt it. I mean, Lorne calls me 'Kid vicious', remember? And it takes a lot for a guy like Lorne to dislike someone."
Of course, I hated Lorne too. I didn't care how he'd tried to be nice to me, how sometimes remembering the witty little jabs he'd take at people who weren't dressed fashionably would make me have to smile. He was still a demon, still the enemy.
So why haven't you killed him yet? It would be so easy. You're going native, Connor.
My head cocked to one side as I listened to him speak, drinking in the sound of his voice while I still could.
"They're just.. well, nervous around you I guess."
"With good reason." I retorted.
"I'm sure that if you stayed.. everyone would be fine after a little while. Everyone just.. they just have to get used to the idea of you staying here. Everything will be fine."
"Do you really believe that?" I asked him, desperate for his answer. "Do you really believe that if I stayed here long enough, we'd all become some big happy family? I hope you don't, Angel. I really hope you don't."
"So.. will you stay?.. You can have any room in the hotel that you want. There's plenty of them."
I paused for a long moment.
"I wouldn't mind." I said slowly, finally meeting his eyes. "But...but I guess we'll all have to talk to Buffy and Wesley. I mean, I don't know if there was any specific reason for them wanting me to go or whatever...so maybe all four of us could meet and talk or something. But, uh...I'm glad you want me around."
And I was, much to my own surprise.
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"I doubt it. I mean, Lorne calls me 'Kid vicious', remember? And it takes a lot for a guy like Lorne to dislike someone."
I shrugged at the comment. Lorne did like to make his feelings about Connor perfectly clear. Half of the time, Connor was standing right there. "Lorne's just.. well, Lorne. He'll come around I'm sure."
That was the thing. Was I sure about all this? Plus, there was Fred and Gunn.. not to mention Cordy. I was sure that Fred would come around.. and maybe Gunn. Cordy would be alright about it all I thought. If she knew it would make me happy that Connor was back.. she'd be alright with it wouldn't she?
There was a part of me that couldn't care less what anyone else thought about all this. I just wanted my son to be able to stand in the same room with me for longer than five minutes and not have this strong urge to kill me.
"Do you really believe that? Do you really believe that if I stayed here long enough, we'd all become some big happy family? I hope you don't, Angel. I really hope you don't."
Sighing, I looked at him. He was right.. again. We'd probably never be one big happy family. Not like it used to be when he was a baby or before that. Too much had changed for that.
"I don't know exactly. I mean.. things are never going to be.." What? Never going to be what? "..like I wanted them to be, but things can and will get better than they are now."
Sighing, I looked down for a moment then back to him. I just wanted to get to the point where he.. "I'd just be happy if you ever came to the point where you don't hate me, Connor. Right now? That's what I'm hoping for."
"I wouldn't mind. But...but I guess we'll all have to talk to Buffy and Wesley. I mean, I don't know if there was any specific reason for them wanting me to go or whatever...so maybe all four of us could meet and talk or something. But, uh...I'm glad you want me around."
Nodding, I smiled just for a second at the end of his comment, but it faded just as quickly as it came. He wanted all four of us to get together? I might have to take a second party with me to keep me under control around Wesley. Cordy could come and keep me calm.
But, if he wanted us to meet, then that's what I was going to have to do. This was too important to me. "I.. suppose we could do that. I'm sure.. they," There's that they again. "Won't mind it if you stayed." They sure as hell better be alright with it. If not, then I don't know if Cordy coming would work after all.
The smile that had been on my face before made its way back on my lips, but only slightly. "I do, Connor. I do want you around."
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"How do you want things to be, Dad?" I said quickly, not even stopping to realize that I'd called him 'Dad'. It had just slipped out, and right now I was too perturbed to correct myself out loud.
"I mean, what did you think it would be like, when I showed up? Did you think that I'd be like, 'Oh I had wanted to kill you for being the monster that you are, but now that I've gotten to know you, we can be all kinds of happy father-son goodness?' Holtz taught me better than that. I know you for what you are, no matter how much you've blinded these people into thinking you're a hero..."
"I'd just be happy if you ever came to the point where you don't hate me, Connor. Right now? That's what I'm hoping for."
And then I paused, my chest heaving. And it occured to me that I hadn't even been listening to what I'd just said. It had just flooded out of my mouth on auto-pilot. The words weren't even mine, Holtz had said them to me a while ago.
"Okay. It has just come to my attention that what I just said has been said to me so many times that it no longer holds any real meaning." I said, struggling to make sense of what I was feeling. "So let me say this--in this moment, I am choosing to be honest with you. Savor it, because it's not something I plan on making a habit of."
"Angel, you confuse me. You confuse me and you upset me, because everything I've ever known is constantly telling me to cease with all this prettiness that we subject each other to, and just bury a stake into your heart so I can move on with my life. Killing you would make it all so easy for me."
"But for reasons that I have yet to comprehend, I haven't been able to do that yet. I think a part of me recognizes that no matter what, you're my father. And I am your son, and you have shown me nothing but kindness since I literally fell into your life."
My words were coming out so crisp and formal, it didn't sound at all like me.
"I want...I don't know what I want. I feel so strange right now. Holtz was the closest thing I ever had to a father and now he's gone, and you're here, and Buffy and Wesley want me to go away with them, but you keep giving me that look..."
My eyes burned, but all of Quor-toth would crumple into nothingness before I'd cry. Especially not in front of him.
"I'm really confused right now, and I don't know what to do, and damn it, I should! I said, my voice rising on the last word.
"I'm a warrior, Holtz always told me so! I should always know what to do! No one should ever be able to make me feel like this."
I was taking in deep, heaving gulps of air, struggling desperately not to let the tears welling up in my eyes spill down my cheeks.
"I came here so resolved, so secure in the knowledge that soon I'd be out of here, and now things are different and you won't stop being so damn nice to me!"
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I stared at him. Did he just call me Dad? That was the first time he'd called me that in conversation. Sure, he'd acknowledged that I was his Father.. but I don't remember him actually calling me Dad.
"I mean, what did you think it would be like, when I showed up? Did you think that I'd be like, 'Oh I had wanted to kill you for being the monster that you are, but now that I've gotten to know you, we can be all kinds of happy father-son goodness?' Holtz taught me better than that. I know you for what you are, no matter how much you've blinded these people into thinking you're a hero..."
Listening to him, it felt like we were going back in time a couple weeks. Didn't he already halfway agree to stay here for a while? I looked at him, not knowing exactly what to say to him when he accused me of blinding everyone into thinking I was a some kind of hero.
"Okay. It has just come to my attention that what I just said has been said to me so many times that it no longer holds any real meaning. So let me say this--in this moment, I am choosing to be honest with you. Savor it, because it's not something I plan on making a habit of."
Well, maybe that was a little better. Looks like Holtz programed things in his head to think about me and say to my face. I waited for him to start, and just looked at him a little confused.
He went on about how everything inside of him and all that he'd been taught was telling him to kill me. Oh.. then he mentioned how he hadn't been able to do that.
"..and Buffy and Wesley want me to go away with them, but you keep giving me that look..."
A look? Oh.. the look of how I loved him for some reason and I wanted him to stay here? I guess that was what he was talking about.
He looked confused, plus he admitted that he was. What I wanted to do was walk over to him and put my arms around him. I wanted to hold him like I did when he was a baby. Funny thing is.. when he was a baby the only way go get him to stop crying was to show him my true face.. and now? That was the thing that kept him from trusting me.
"I came here so resolved, so secure in the knowledge that soon I'd be out of here, and now things are different and you won't stop being so damn nice to me!"
He was breathing hard, and it almost looked as if he wanted to cry. Was I not supposed to be nice to him? Did he really want me to just hate him?
"Connor.. I know you're confused. I am too. You could probably figure out by now that I'm not exactly experienced at this father-son stuff." Sighing, I looked down at the ground.
"Look, I understand if you want to go. And.. I guess.. I'm sorry for everything that's happened in your life, Connor. I never wanted any of this to happen. I wanted you to have as much of a normal life as possible. When you were taken from me.."
I stopped myself before going on with that part of the story. Should I tell him how I locked myself in my charcoaled room for days.. weeks just looking at his crib? Did I need to tell him how I almost killed Wesley for taking him away from me? I sighed again and looked back at him.
"I didn't ever think I'd see you again. I tried to get you back.. and when you showed up that day.. That's why I'm nice to you, Connor. If you left again I'm not sure what I'd do."
Hesitanting for a moment, I just looked at him. Should I?.. "You're my son. I love you, Connor."
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"Yeah, no kidding!" I said, my voice doing that thing where it rose on the last word and sounded all hysterical. But in reality, it wasn't fair to judge Angel that way. He'd never exactly been a father before, and I had just kind of dropped into his life and tried to kill him. He was doing the best he could with the situation he'd been given, really.
Of course, my mind was telling me all of this, but I didn't want to listen. He was a demon, a vampire, a hellspawn. His being my father was the ultimate Karmic betrayal. I was a great warrior and didn't deserve this. All Holtz's words, and I'd believed every single one of them completely--until I'd actually met Angel for the first time. And I'd been floored by the confused, upset creature I'd encountered. He hadn't treated me like a monster to be feared, like the face of death that had finally come for him. He'd treated me like a son.
"Look, I understand if you want to go. And.. I guess.. I'm sorry for everything that's happened in your life, Connor. I never wanted any of this to happen. I wanted you to have as much of a normal life as possible. When you were taken from me.."
"Yeah well, most of it wasn't your fault." I admitted reluctantly, still standing on the steps that led down from the front door. "I mean, I'm not going to say that having a vampire for a father has made things any easier...but you didn't exactly ask for me to be taken back to Quor-toth, or create the place either."
I didn't mention Holtz. I'd never be able to think of him as an unfortunate in my life. He'd been my father. He might not have said it much, if at all, but he'd loved me. I knew he had.
"I didn't ever think I'd see you again. I tried to get you back.. and when you showed up that day.. That's why I'm nice to you, Connor. If you left again I'm not sure what I'd do."
"Lorne said that to me once. He said that you'd fall apart without me in your life, now that you knew I existed." I didn't mention that after Lorne had said that to me, I'd threatened to kill him for being the demon freak that he was.
"You're my son. I love you, Connor."
"But why, Angel? My being your son doesn't automatically mean you have to love me. There are plenty of fathers who hate their sons and treat them badly, I've seen it in this very dimension. And for God's sake, I've tried to kill you, so many times over that it's unbelievable that you don't hate me now. Why is it that you keep coming back for more? What makes you love me? Are you just a glutton for punishment or something?"
I was genuinely curious. It was beyond me how anyone could love someone who wanted them dead...kind of. Maybe vampires were capable of a different kind of love or something.
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I felt my face flinch at his words, but I did my best to not let the hurt I was feeling right now show too much.
"Yeah well, most of it wasn't your fault. I mean, I'm not going to say that having a vampire for a father has made things any easier...but you didn't exactly ask for me to be taken back to Quor-toth, or create the place either."
Listening to him say that some.. no, he said most of this wasn't my fault made something inside me again wanted to just go over and hug him, tell him everything will be alright.. but that will never happen. I know that, he knows that.
"No.. I wanted you to be here with me.. with everyone. I wanted you to grow up here in this dimension. My biggest fear when you were a baby.. well, besides someone trying to come and take you from me..." My voice faded a little because I hadn't intentionally meant to bring that up again, but for some reason it just kept coming back.
"My biggest fear was for you to grow up and hate me for who.. what I was. For you to hate the fact that I wasn't like most fathers. I couldn't take you to the park in the daylight or see your face the first time you saw the ocean in the afternoon. I knew I wouldn't be able to cheer you on from the stands on a Saturday afternoon if you ever wanted to play a sport that wasn't inside a nice arena. But I guess.. we skipped all that and went straight to.. well."
As I mentioned the sports, I remembered myself buying the miniture hockey jersey and sticks. They still were in my office, tucked away for later. I guess they'll never get any use now.. other than when Gunn and I played around with them in the lobby. No, he'd never have the chance to use them now.
"Lorne said that to me once. He said that you'd fall apart without me in your life, now that you knew I existed."
I turned my gaze downwards, away from him for just a moment before looking at him again. "He was.. is right."
"But why, Angel? My being your son doesn't automatically mean you have to love me. There are plenty of fathers who hate their sons and treat them badly, I've seen it in this very dimension. And for God's sake, I've tried to kill you, so many times over that it's unbelievable that you don't hate me now. Why is it that you keep coming back for more? What makes you love me? Are you just a glutton for punishment or something?"
I automatically took another step towards him. When I realized what I had done, I wondered if he would run out the door with me being unable to follow him.
"That's just it, Connor. You are my son. Again, I'm not like other fathers. I don't give up just because my son's going through a hard time.. or I guess in my case that he tries to kill me multiple times. Hell, Bu--.. I had a girlfriend who actually killed me sending me to hell. Obviously, I came back, but I still loved her after.." Pausing, I thought about it for a moment. "Probably always will on some levels. I guess I am just asking for punishment, I don't know. If I hated every person who wanted me dead.. I wouldn't be able to stand here and talk to you. I'd probably just be one big.. ball of hate."
I cringed at myself using the lame analogy of a 'big ball of hate', but I honestly couldn't think of much else.
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I felt my curiosity rise. Holtz had always told me that he'd rescued me from this dimension, that Angel had been planning on raising me until I was nice and healthy and full of delicious blood or whatever, and then drinking me dry. But the way Angel was talking, it sounded like I'd been kidnapped from this dimension as a baby or something.
Of course he'd think like that. He hates Holtz for saving me from this world.
Having no idea that Wesley was involved in any way, the thought didn't even occur to me. I just assumed that when he referred to someone 'taking' me from him, he meant Holtz. So I felt a stab of protectiveness towards him right away.
"My biggest fear was for you to grow up and hate me for who.. what I was. For you to hate the fact that I wasn't like most fathers."
"I do hate that." I said simply. "I'm not saying I'd want a normal life or anything, I know I've got a gift and all that. But I hate having to face the knowledge that I spawned from not one, but two demons. It makes me sick."
I wasn't trying to be harsh with him in that moment, but blunt and brutal honesty had always been my way, even with people I didn't like. Despite what I'd said to him earlier about not making a habit of being honest with him, the truth was that I'd never consciously lied to Angel.
"I couldn't take you to the park in the daylight or see your face the first time you saw the ocean in the afternoon. I knew I wouldn't be able to cheer you on from the stands on a Saturday afternoon if you ever wanted to play a sport that wasn't inside a nice arena. But I guess.. we skipped all that and went straight to.. well."
"Yeah. Well." I said, feeling a little helpless. "I don't think you have to worry about that. Unless my training counts, I hate organized sports. They're so pointless. I don't know why you people in this dimension place so much importance on what happens to a little ball over the course of three hours."
I felt an unexpected stab of sympathy, watching him. I was good at picking up other's emotions, and I knew he wasn't lying to me. He really had wanted so badly to be a normal father for me, but instead he was trapped inside the body of a vampire freak. And in the end, I had to think to myself that it wasn't his fault. I didn't know the specifics of his being turned into a vampire, but a part of me had to believe that he hadn't chosen it. If he was going to be my father, I had to believe that.
"I...I believe you. I know you didn't want any of this." I said, surprising myself. "It doesn't change the situation, but I know if you could change for me, you would. So, uh...yeah. Thanks."
"That's just it, Connor. You are my son. Again, I'm not like other fathers. I don't give up just because my son's going through a hard time.. or I guess in my case that he tries to kill me multiple times. Hell, Bu--.. I had a girlfriend who actually killed me sending me to hell."
"Wow Angel, you sure can pick 'em, huh?" My words were sarcastic, but almost teasing at the same time.
"Obviously, I came back, but I still loved her after.."
"You did? Why? Did she still love you?" It made perfect sense to me that this girl would have sent him to hell, but I was curious about the rest. For whatever reason, I wanted to know about my father. I wanted to learn all about the man that had made me, the man that had brought me here to my life today.
"Probably always will on some levels. I guess I am just asking for punishment, I don't know. If I hated every person who wanted me dead.. I wouldn't be able to stand here and talk to you. I'd probably just be one big.. ball of hate."
I laughed. "Like me, right?"
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Even though I already pretty much knew that he hated the fact I was a vampire, it still had that sting.
"Yeah. Well. I don't think you have to worry about that. Unless my training counts, I hate organized sports. They're so pointless. I don't know why you people in this dimension place so much importance on what happens to a little ball over the course of three hours."
I knew what he meant by it and I understood. I had never been one for any sport either, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't have if he'd grown up here. I had wanted him to be able to experience what other kids his age would. And if that meant sports, I would have wanted him to have that.
"I...I believe you. I know you didn't want any of this. It doesn't change the situation, but I know if you could change for me, you would. So, uh...yeah. Thanks."
I nodded a little. At least he was able to acknowledge that fact. He at least understood that much.
"You're right.. I didn't want any of this, none of it. And.. thanks, for understanding that. Oh.. and you're welcome."
"Wow Angel, you sure can pick 'em, huh?"
His words stung a little again, but I did pick up on the teasing as well. I wonder how he would feel if he found out who exactly I was talking about. He'd probably go back and tell her what a good job she did for killing me.
"You did? Why? Did she still love you?"
Sticking my hands in my pockets, I shrugged, then nodded. "Yeah.. I did.. do, I guess. And yes, she still loved me. She's ultimately the reason I am who I am today really.. plus why I had to come to L.A. We couldn't.. be together I guess. Then when I came here I met Cordelia.. and Wesley later on."
Sighing, I didn't really wanna talk about anything else that had to do with Buffy or Wesley. I guessed that Connor would probably try to get something else out of me about everything, but maybe not.
"Like me, right?"
I shook my head. "No.. you're just.. it's different."
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It was so odd to me, hearing all of this. Holtz had raised me to know just a few fundamental truths about life--sometimes people have to die, occasionally the ends do justify the means, demons, vampires and any other unnatural creatures of the night had to be destroyed at any cost, and when someone tried to kill you, vengeance and hatred were your rights. It was as simple as that.
But apparently not for my father.
It suddenly occurred to me that I was still standing on the steps that led to the building, and after a few moments I took an extremely cautious step forward.
"No.. you're just.. it's different."
"No, I'm not." I pointed out. "You and I aren't so different. Except for, you know, your being a demon and all."
I felt the need to point the last bit out, but otherwise I'd come to the point where I was willing to deal with the fact that in the end, I was my father's son.
"I guess we should talk to Wesley or Buffy or both or whatever. I mean, I can go either way." I shrugged, trying my best to look nonchalant, but in the end I was confused. Originally, leaving this place and moving to Sunnydale with Buffy and Wesley had seemed like a great idea. Angel and his friends wouldn't have to deal with me until my father's day of reckoning came, and I'd be in a place where not everyone knew me as The Destroyer.
But now, with my father looking at me like that, and this LA place starting to feel more and more like home, I wasn't so sure. Part of me wanted to stay, to get to know this man. But another part of me was afraid that if I did, I wouldn't want to kill him anymore. I'd be letting Holtz down.
Very carefully, I approached him. "And uh...I guess maybe you should talk to your friends first? See how they feel about it? I don't know, I'm not good at this kind of thing."
I didn't mean that I wasn't good at dealing with friends, but that I wasn't good at having them at all.
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