It didn't take me long to finally get to my house and inside. I didn't want to run, but I just had to get away cause I was tired of it all. Why did it matter to Xander so much who I was with? We already had that discussion about Spike and how it wasn't any of his business and now he's doing it again with Wes. What's wrong with Wes? He isn't dead, he's nice and he treats me good, I don't see what the big deal is about that? I probably should have said something to him, but I didn't, I just wanted to get away and not have that conversation on the street. I didn't want to talk about my feelings and whatever feelings I have for Wes, I'd rather tell him and not Xander ... cause again with the 'it's not his business,' thing.
Looking around the living room, I sighed and then pouted as I walked into the empty room and then glanced at the clock, trying to figure out how much time I had left until Dawn came home. Wes probably left Xander there and went ahead and got paint so he could paint his place. I don't think he left town, I mean, that would be a little dramatic, about as dramatic as running off and running home. Go Buffy. Rolling my eyes, I plopped myself on the couch and waited for what? I don't know. I felt like calling Wes, I should and apoligize. With a sigh, I sat up and grabbed the cordless phone.
I heard someone pulling up in the driveway and I turned around, looking out the window, seeing Wes pull up with the van. Sighing, I turned the phone off and set it down before getting up from the sofa and walking toward the front door. Opening the door, I waited there for him.
Cursing Xander seemed to be my main occupation as I drove over to Buffy's house. Stupid git, whey did he have to go and spoil everything for Buffy? I didn't care much about what he'd do to me. Unless that would hurt Buffy, but I doubted that. I'd giving up caring about what people did to me a long time ago. Or at least, I tried to pretend I did.
Of course I cared. Which was why I had been trying so hard in the past. Only to get slapped down time and time again. The last time being in Los Angeles. I suppose I should be glad Xander had not asked about that more thoroughly. He might just get an attack when he figures out what I'd done there. And about the fact that his second favorite vampire had a child.
Sighing, I parked the van in front of Buffy's house. There was no way I could see from here if this was where she'd ran off to. Well, there wouldn't have been if the front door hadn't opened and Buffy hadn't been standing there. Though, I had to admit that a small jolt of satisfaction went through me as it turned out I'd been right as to where she'd gone through.
Getting out of the van, I locked it and then walked over to her. "Hello," I said quietly, giving her a worried look. And now I had no idea what to do. How she'd react to me touching her. Or if my words would be doing her any good. "I'm sorry..." I jerked my thumb over my shoulder and let my voice trail off. I really had to stop apologizing for everything.
"Dont' ..." I started to say softly when he said he was sorry cause it wasn't his fault. It wasn't anyones fault, I was just ... being stupid. I shouldn't have ran. I'm supposed to be this big fighter and a woman and I can't defend how I feel about someone? It just doesn't make sense. Then again, I've never been good at the whole relationship thing anyway.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just ... well, I don't know really," I said and shut the door to the house and walked over to him before sitting down on the steps of the front porch.
"I'm sorry about running off, I'm sure that probably put you off or something, a woman running away. I guess I'm not really a woman, or the woman I thought I was." I wasn't a woman, I'm still a little girl and I hate that. Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair and turned around a little, looking up at him.
"I don't know what any of this is, I'm not sure where it's gonna go and I don't wanna question it so, I'm just not gonna say anything else and we'll leave it at that," I said with a small nod and turned back around, looking at the van and then at the ground.
If she was fine then so was I. And lets face it, as oddly happy Buffy makes me? I was anything but fine. There was a scar marring throat which very much reminded me of that fact. Not that this had anything to do with the here and now. But it was a reminded of how easy it was to loose everything you were taking for granted. A mistake I was never going to make with Buffy.
Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair and sat down next to her. She seemed so lost, and part of me blamed myself for that. I wondered if it was me who'd shaken up her life this much. Or if it was a matter of all things coming together. Which then would still make it my fault. "We can't leave it at that, Buffy," I said softly, staring at my hands.
I leaned my elbows on my knees and let said hands dangle down while I thought over what she'd said. "Look," I sighed again, frowning a little. "I know Xander is your friend, one of your best friends even. But he had no right to say that to you. He has no right to tell you what you should or should not feel or do." And he had no right to bring up Spike.
"Do you think we're going to fast? If you want we can slow this," I wove my hand a little to indicate 'this, "Down. I like you a lot, Buffy. And not even in my wildest dreams I'd have ever thought that possible." I gave her a small smile at that. "I don't want to muck up the chance for us to become perhaps something more. So whatever you want, just tell me. I'll adjust." It's what I've been doing all my life. I've never had a better reason then now though.
Why couldn't we just leave it at that? What is there to discuss? Nothing. But, he kept on talking and asking questions and it was things that ... I just didn't want to talk about. Not yet anyway, or ever, whatever came first or something. "Slow what down?" I asked him and gave him a look. "What are we doing that needs to be slowed down? Nothing, so just ... whatever," I sighed and laid my head down on my knee's.
All we were doing was having sex, that's it. How do you slow that down? There isn't a way it's either you do it, or you don't and if he's saying that he doesn't ... that's what he's saying. That's what he's ... saying.
Sitting up, I bit my lip and looked over at him. "Wes, all we do is ... things and if you don't want to do those things anymore, then just tell me cause from the way that I see it, there's nothing to slow down. It's either we do things or we don't and that's just how it is," I told him and stood up, waiting for him to do so as well before I headed inside the house.
I mean, we weren't anything special. Yeah, I liked him alot, but it's not what dreams are made of. They never are and really? I doubt that I'll ever love someone again. Even though I want to. I want to alot and I want Wes to be the person, but I have this feeling that it's just not going to happen. Ever. I didn't want to tell him that - besides, would he even care? Probably not. Oh God, what am I saying? I have no idea.
"Um, so yeah, are you hungry, there's food and ... drinks and two more hours until Dawn gets home so we can be in and out and painting and stuff. If you ... still want me to help you with that."
I blinked at her, trying to hide the hurt I felt at those words from slipping out so she could see them. I quickly got myself under control. Years of practice no doubt, mixed with the so called 'British stoicism'.
But it hurt. She thought we had nothing. Then why did she ask me to come along with her to Sunnydale? And why does she keep touching me, looking at me that way? Why did she help me out so happily when we went to get things for the warehouse? Why... Why was she doing this?
I was very confused now. Not to mention hurt to find out I was nothing but a mere shag to her. I'd have thought I'd meant a little bit more. I'd have thought she wanted it to become more then a little bit more. Once again, it would appear I'd been mistaken. Nothing new there, I suppose.
Perhaps I am better off alone. Not let anyone close by. You'll only end up hurt.
"I'm sorry," I said, keeping the emotions out of my voice. "My mistake for seeing something that obviously wasn't there." Or wanting, then again, what's the difference.
Had she been the one to run away when Xander had shown up? Her words now made me withdraw. And here I was thinking I'd come over to calm her down. Stupid idea, what *had* I been thinking.
"I seem to have lost my appetite," I muttered, getting up again. I fished the carkeys out of my pocket. "Well, if there's nothing to discuss and if there's...well...nothing," I shrugged, wincing at the small hurt tone in my voice. I doubt she'd noticed it though.
"I'll be on my way then. I've a firm to get started. You know where to reach me should my help be required." Doubtful, but one never knew. But... It wasn't as though she needed me. Giving her a small smile, I resisted the urge to lean in and drop a kiss on her forehead. It would appear I've lost that privilege. How? I've no idea.
I doubt I can get way with blaming Xander, no matter how much I'd like to.
"I'll see you around, no doubt. Goodbye, Buffy." Stepping down from the porch, I started toward the van. Good lord, she really confused me. I had no idea what I was even doing here anymore.
He was leaving. I didn't realize what I said was harsh until I went over it again in my mind and that's when ... I ... I hate me right now. I stood there watching him and was tempted to just go inside and shut the door but I stood there on the porch and watched him. Licking my lips, I felt the tears welling up in my eyes and I started walking over toward him as he got in the van and shut the door.
"Don't leave," I said as I started to cry. "I didn't mean it," I didn't mean any of it. I was just so confused and I don't know what I want and I know that doing this is going to make him leave and it already is and now ... now I didn't know what to do.
Opening the van door, I reached in and over him and grabbed the keys before getting out and walking back into the house. He couldn't go anywhere now even if he wanted to. We were going to talk about this. Talking is a bad thing cause I don't do it well, but that's what we were going to do. Talk.
I just had to get myself up for it cause I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but it had to be said so he wouldn't leave cause really? This is all my fault. I'm never good at this, I don't know what I'm doing and I wanna know what I'm doing.
Turning around, I pushed the keys in the pocket of my jeans before walking back to the front door, waiting for him.
Just as I was about to start the car, Buffy came over and took my keys away. I blinked at her and that's when I noticed she was crying. Had been crying, whichever. My heart dropped a few inches as I stared at her with wide eyes.
Why was she crying? Wasn't this what she wanted? I mean, we had 'nothing' right? How can you cry about 'nothing'? She was confusing the hell out of me! One moment she's pushing me away, the next she's forcing me to stay. I really wish she'd made up her mind. I cannot deal with this with everything that's going on.
I gave up my life, in a way, for her by leaving Los Angeles. I came here, knowing her friends weren't going to be happy. Knowing I had to build up my entire network from the start. Knowing that I had to *start* from scratch again. But I'd done it for her.
And now she said that it had been for 'nothing'.
"It was all for nothing, Wesley. Don't come back to the hotel. Ever again."
I flinched at that memory and then stared at Buffy as resolutely strode into the house. Toward the house. Whichever. Sighing, I ran a hand over my face. I was starting to get a headache. First Xander and now Buffy.
Shaking my head, I got out of the car and wearily walked over to her. "Buffy?" Hesitantly, I stopped in front of her, pushing my hands in my pockets. "What's going on? You just said yourself that it was nothing?"
"It's not for nothing. None of this, it's ... something, it's just something that I don't know ... what it is ... or something," I said and looked up at him. "I don't know how to make this work, I thought ..." Leaning myself against the wall, I watched him for a second before taking a deep breath.
"Wes, I think I have it all figured out and then I don't. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how ... all I know is that I want you around, I don't want to be away from you, I want you near me all the time and it's scary cause I know when it gets like that, I get ... clingy to a point and then ... then they go evil and kill someone and ... you know what I mean. They leave. I know you told me not to compare you, but it's all I know and I'm so sorry and I'm so confused and when we talk I want to tell you so much but I can't find the words and I'm sorry ..."
Moving over to him, I wrapped my arms around him and held my head against his chest.
"You can have your keys back as long as you don't leave," I whispered and looked up at him. "What we have isn't 'nothing,' it's something and I want to figure out what it is."
That must've been the longest speech I've ever heard her give. Even if it didn't make much sense. At first, that is. I just kept quiet and listened to her talk, watching her struggle for words. This was really hard for her, harder then I'd have thought.
"I'm not like them Buffy," I said, taking my keys back and putting them in my pocket absentmindedly. It was then that I realized I could tell her that until I'm blue in the face. She wasn't going to believe until she saw it. Just as I wouldn't really believe she'd not leave me until I saw it.
And that might just take a while. Which is what I'd meant with taking it slow.
"Buffy." I smiled at her and then put my finger under her chin to tilt her head up so she was looking at me. "That is why I suggested to take this...something...a little slower. Because it's obviously confusing you. And I understand that."
In way, not completely. but how can it? I've not gone through what she has been through. "so why don't we take it a little slower until we both know what this something is...or might be eventually." This time I did lean in to kiss her forehead.
I wiped some tears away with the pad of my thumb and shook my head. "And please don't cry, love. I can't handle crying women, you know. Especially not when they're as beautiful as you."
Looking around the living room, I sighed and then pouted as I walked into the empty room and then glanced at the clock, trying to figure out how much time I had left until Dawn came home. Wes probably left Xander there and went ahead and got paint so he could paint his place. I don't think he left town, I mean, that would be a little dramatic, about as dramatic as running off and running home. Go Buffy. Rolling my eyes, I plopped myself on the couch and waited for what? I don't know. I felt like calling Wes, I should and apoligize. With a sigh, I sat up and grabbed the cordless phone.
I heard someone pulling up in the driveway and I turned around, looking out the window, seeing Wes pull up with the van. Sighing, I turned the phone off and set it down before getting up from the sofa and walking toward the front door. Opening the door, I waited there for him.
"Hey," I said and stood there.
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Of course I cared. Which was why I had been trying so hard in the past. Only to get slapped down time and time again. The last time being in Los Angeles. I suppose I should be glad Xander had not asked about that more thoroughly. He might just get an attack when he figures out what I'd done there. And about the fact that his second favorite vampire had a child.
Sighing, I parked the van in front of Buffy's house. There was no way I could see from here if this was where she'd ran off to. Well, there wouldn't have been if the front door hadn't opened and Buffy hadn't been standing there. Though, I had to admit that a small jolt of satisfaction went through me as it turned out I'd been right as to where she'd gone through.
Getting out of the van, I locked it and then walked over to her. "Hello," I said quietly, giving her a worried look. And now I had no idea what to do. How she'd react to me touching her. Or if my words would be doing her any good. "I'm sorry..." I jerked my thumb over my shoulder and let my voice trail off. I really had to stop apologizing for everything.
"Are you alright?" I asked instead.
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"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just ... well, I don't know really," I said and shut the door to the house and walked over to him before sitting down on the steps of the front porch.
"I'm sorry about running off, I'm sure that probably put you off or something, a woman running away. I guess I'm not really a woman, or the woman I thought I was." I wasn't a woman, I'm still a little girl and I hate that. Sighing, I ran my hand through my hair and turned around a little, looking up at him.
"I don't know what any of this is, I'm not sure where it's gonna go and I don't wanna question it so, I'm just not gonna say anything else and we'll leave it at that," I said with a small nod and turned back around, looking at the van and then at the ground.
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Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair and sat down next to her. She seemed so lost, and part of me blamed myself for that. I wondered if it was me who'd shaken up her life this much. Or if it was a matter of all things coming together. Which then would still make it my fault. "We can't leave it at that, Buffy," I said softly, staring at my hands.
I leaned my elbows on my knees and let said hands dangle down while I thought over what she'd said. "Look," I sighed again, frowning a little. "I know Xander is your friend, one of your best friends even. But he had no right to say that to you. He has no right to tell you what you should or should not feel or do." And he had no right to bring up Spike.
"Do you think we're going to fast? If you want we can slow this," I wove my hand a little to indicate 'this, "Down. I like you a lot, Buffy. And not even in my wildest dreams I'd have ever thought that possible." I gave her a small smile at that. "I don't want to muck up the chance for us to become perhaps something more. So whatever you want, just tell me. I'll adjust." It's what I've been doing all my life. I've never had a better reason then now though.
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All we were doing was having sex, that's it. How do you slow that down? There isn't a way it's either you do it, or you don't and if he's saying that he doesn't ... that's what he's saying. That's what he's ... saying.
Sitting up, I bit my lip and looked over at him. "Wes, all we do is ... things and if you don't want to do those things anymore, then just tell me cause from the way that I see it, there's nothing to slow down. It's either we do things or we don't and that's just how it is," I told him and stood up, waiting for him to do so as well before I headed inside the house.
I mean, we weren't anything special. Yeah, I liked him alot, but it's not what dreams are made of. They never are and really? I doubt that I'll ever love someone again. Even though I want to. I want to alot and I want Wes to be the person, but I have this feeling that it's just not going to happen. Ever. I didn't want to tell him that - besides, would he even care? Probably not. Oh God, what am I saying? I have no idea.
"Um, so yeah, are you hungry, there's food and ... drinks and two more hours until Dawn gets home so we can be in and out and painting and stuff. If you ... still want me to help you with that."
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I blinked at her, trying to hide the hurt I felt at those words from slipping out so she could see them. I quickly got myself under control. Years of practice no doubt, mixed with the so called 'British stoicism'.
But it hurt. She thought we had nothing. Then why did she ask me to come along with her to Sunnydale? And why does she keep touching me, looking at me that way? Why did she help me out so happily when we went to get things for the warehouse? Why... Why was she doing this?
I was very confused now. Not to mention hurt to find out I was nothing but a mere shag to her. I'd have thought I'd meant a little bit more. I'd have thought she wanted it to become more then a little bit more. Once again, it would appear I'd been mistaken. Nothing new there, I suppose.
Perhaps I am better off alone. Not let anyone close by. You'll only end up hurt.
"I'm sorry," I said, keeping the emotions out of my voice. "My mistake for seeing something that obviously wasn't there." Or wanting, then again, what's the difference.
Had she been the one to run away when Xander had shown up? Her words now made me withdraw. And here I was thinking I'd come over to calm her down. Stupid idea, what *had* I been thinking.
"I seem to have lost my appetite," I muttered, getting up again. I fished the carkeys out of my pocket. "Well, if there's nothing to discuss and if there's...well...nothing," I shrugged, wincing at the small hurt tone in my voice. I doubt she'd noticed it though.
"I'll be on my way then. I've a firm to get started. You know where to reach me should my help be required." Doubtful, but one never knew. But... It wasn't as though she needed me. Giving her a small smile, I resisted the urge to lean in and drop a kiss on her forehead. It would appear I've lost that privilege. How? I've no idea.
I doubt I can get way with blaming Xander, no matter how much I'd like to.
"I'll see you around, no doubt. Goodbye, Buffy." Stepping down from the porch, I started toward the van. Good lord, she really confused me. I had no idea what I was even doing here anymore.
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"Don't leave," I said as I started to cry. "I didn't mean it," I didn't mean any of it. I was just so confused and I don't know what I want and I know that doing this is going to make him leave and it already is and now ... now I didn't know what to do.
Opening the van door, I reached in and over him and grabbed the keys before getting out and walking back into the house. He couldn't go anywhere now even if he wanted to. We were going to talk about this. Talking is a bad thing cause I don't do it well, but that's what we were going to do. Talk.
I just had to get myself up for it cause I wasn't sure what I was going to say, but it had to be said so he wouldn't leave cause really? This is all my fault. I'm never good at this, I don't know what I'm doing and I wanna know what I'm doing.
Turning around, I pushed the keys in the pocket of my jeans before walking back to the front door, waiting for him.
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Why was she crying? Wasn't this what she wanted? I mean, we had 'nothing' right? How can you cry about 'nothing'? She was confusing the hell out of me! One moment she's pushing me away, the next she's forcing me to stay. I really wish she'd made up her mind. I cannot deal with this with everything that's going on.
I gave up my life, in a way, for her by leaving Los Angeles. I came here, knowing her friends weren't going to be happy. Knowing I had to build up my entire network from the start. Knowing that I had to *start* from scratch again. But I'd done it for her.
And now she said that it had been for 'nothing'.
"It was all for nothing, Wesley. Don't come back to the hotel. Ever again."
I flinched at that memory and then stared at Buffy as resolutely strode into the house. Toward the house. Whichever. Sighing, I ran a hand over my face. I was starting to get a headache. First Xander and now Buffy.
Shaking my head, I got out of the car and wearily walked over to her. "Buffy?" Hesitantly, I stopped in front of her, pushing my hands in my pockets. "What's going on? You just said yourself that it was nothing?"
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"Wes, I think I have it all figured out and then I don't. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how ... all I know is that I want you around, I don't want to be away from you, I want you near me all the time and it's scary cause I know when it gets like that, I get ... clingy to a point and then ... then they go evil and kill someone and ... you know what I mean. They leave. I know you told me not to compare you, but it's all I know and I'm so sorry and I'm so confused and when we talk I want to tell you so much but I can't find the words and I'm sorry ..."
Moving over to him, I wrapped my arms around him and held my head against his chest.
"You can have your keys back as long as you don't leave," I whispered and looked up at him. "What we have isn't 'nothing,' it's something and I want to figure out what it is."
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"I'm not like them Buffy," I said, taking my keys back and putting them in my pocket absentmindedly. It was then that I realized I could tell her that until I'm blue in the face. She wasn't going to believe until she saw it. Just as I wouldn't really believe she'd not leave me until I saw it.
And that might just take a while. Which is what I'd meant with taking it slow.
"Buffy." I smiled at her and then put my finger under her chin to tilt her head up so she was looking at me. "That is why I suggested to take this...something...a little slower. Because it's obviously confusing you. And I understand that."
In way, not completely. but how can it? I've not gone through what she has been through. "so why don't we take it a little slower until we both know what this something is...or might be eventually." This time I did lean in to kiss her forehead.
I wiped some tears away with the pad of my thumb and shook my head. "And please don't cry, love. I can't handle crying women, you know. Especially not when they're as beautiful as you."
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