(no subject)
edsidlemirth: Eddie is waiting in his cell. Wait half an hour, Luke said, so he is, quietly. Much less bouncy than he was before group. Maybe it really -isn't- a good idea for him to be there.
notatvcharacter: Funny how the doctor might be right, isn't it? Half an hour on the dot, and Luke's here, with all his files and paper, and the poor, waiting-outside orderly. He lets himself in, and gives the boy a smile. "Miss me?"
edsidlemirth: Eddie smiles slightly, and moves further over on the bed to make room for Luke to sit, too. "That really isn't much of a break that you got, there."
notatvcharacter: How nice. "Thank you." He'll take that seat, stretching out his long legs. "You get used to it. I thought it'd be better to catch back up with you sooner rather than later. How're you feeling?"
edsidlemirth: "You know the Joker's going to try to kill me first chance he gets, right?"
notatvcharacter: "For shooting him, or for calling Batman in?"
edsidlemirth: "Haha, yes."
notatvcharacter: "Don't give him the chance, is all I can say -- I know, all kinds of helpful. Maybe throw Batman in front of him again if he gets too close."
edsidlemirth: "Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Safest place I can be right now is here, probably. Because, really... does the guy -need- motivation to kill me if I run into him? No."
notatvcharacter: Luke does not say 'aim for the left side next time.' Not even in jest. "He's a strange one. I know you can out-think him, though."
edsidlemirth: "Oh, certainly. I'm pretty annoyed that he didn't die, though."
notatvcharacter: "You know what we call that? The cockroach factor."
edsidlemirth: He laughs a little, but that trails off. "I'm more annoyed that he doesn't have this, instead."
notatvcharacter: He nods. "It isn't fair, no." A priest and a mugger come in with the same injuries, and nine times out of ten, it's the mugger that makes it.
edsidlemirth: "You guys probably don't think I'm much less deserving of it."
notatvcharacter: "In my opinion, no one deserves something like that. Not even someone like him. But I've been told I'm a fool that way."
edsidlemirth: "He deserves to be put down behind the shed, doctor..."
edsidlemirth: Eddie shrugs, and slumps against the wall. "But, yeah, you want to keep everyone alive, et cetera..."
notatvcharacter: A solemn nod. "I'm a doctor. Not an executioner. It's my duty to help whoever needs it, regardless of who they are or what they've done."
edsidlemirth: "I don't want to die in here. Do I deserve that?"
notatvcharacter: "Yes." He's very sure of that, too. "If it comes to that, I'm pretty certain we can get you transferred somewhere more comfortable for your last days. Or maybe even released. There's precedent."
edsidlemirth: "Butwedon'thavetoplanthatyet...." Oh god backpeddal, backpeddal -now-.
notatvcharacter: "Hopefully, we never will." Hey, he's an optimist. "Change of subject?"
edsidlemirth: "Hopefully." He says that tentatively. 'Hopefully' might be a lie. Wishful thinking could be a trap. "Yeah."
notatvcharacter: "We've got the group session, and we've got the list I asked you to do. We will talk about both, but you can choose which goes first."
edsidlemirth: "The conversation we just had constitutes what I have to say about group therapy," he says, trying for matter-of-fact, and coming up with sullen.
notatvcharacter: "Well, then." That leaves homework.
edsidlemirth: "I did make my list. I said that I would." Please let's skip this? Sad eyes? He does not pull that off well at all.
notatvcharacter: Even if he did, it wouldn't save him. "May I see?"
edsidlemirth: Eddie hands over a couple sheets of paper that have been folded over several times.
notatvcharacter: He takes them. And doesn't look, just yet. First... "Thank you. I know this wasn't a fun thing for you to think about, and I appreciate your going through with it for me."
Eddie shrugs and doesn't comment. Acknowledgement for going along with this really isn't the greatest, even if it's acknowledgement.
notatvcharacter: Hey, better than him not? He could have not. He unfolds the papers, and takes a look.
edsidlemirth: This is a very meticulously organized list in a handwritten replica of some serif font, single-sided, with two columns on each page. The first page is general. Reasons why someone might not like him. Item one. They're stupid. Item two. They don't understand. Item three. They don't want to. People might not like him because they don't like someone being smarter than they are. People might not like him because they think he's faking it. People might not like him because he has to keep things a certain way. People might not like him because he's annoying. People might not like him because he broke the law. People might not like him because he's crazy. People might not like him because he's not good at things they'd appreciate.
notatvcharacter: He reads through, quietly. The whole thing. A solemn look on his face -- this is something to be taken seriously, after all. If he screws up at this juncture...
edsidlemirth: It's pretty harsh. He couldn't write down something if he thought it wasn't true, and it's not as if he's stupid. He sees how people react. He considered each one. There's spots where he went over the letters several times, and spots where the pen paused on the page, pooling slightly. A lot of the reasons for specific people are definite. His mother doesn't like him because she was stuck with his father after she got pregnant, because he didn't listen to her, because he fed his pills to the dog. His father doesn't like him because the man didn't want a kid and wanted a son to act the right way. Dr. Drake doesn't like him because he wouldn't cooperate and insulted her. Some go back into tentative territory. Harvey might not like him because he's obnoxious. Geoffrey might not like him because he got sick. Query might not like him because she got bored. He goes through this list of people he knows, pointing out that he is now sick, and probably dying, and isn't acting like himself. Batman doesn't like him because he sees and reacts to actions, doesn't hate him or like him, and this is about where it trails off, because Eddie doesn't -know-
notatvcharacter: It's what he was hoping for, honestly. This kind of honesty. Having him put it down on paper, having him see it in cold black and white. He has to break down the facade and get to the real, before he can do any real good. If he can. "Tell me how you feel about this," he asks, quietly.
edsidlemirth: "I wish you hadn't gotten me to agree to it. I wonder if you're trying to make me feel worse. You'd do that?"
notatvcharacter: "Do you really think I would?"
edsidlemirth: "You did make me feel worse."
notatvcharacter: "But that's not why I asked you to do it."
edsidlemirth: "Hm." He does not have witty comments for this.
notatvcharacter: And that's just fine. "I wanted you to do this so that you could see what you'd write. You've got a self-image built up, a way you see yourself and a way you want to be. But underneath it, you've got these worries, about yourself and how people see you." There's a time for the Socratic Method, and there's a time for lecture. He hopes this is the latter. "So when something like this comes along --" he gestures up at his head, "when anything comes along that puts you off your footing, you end up feeling like this."
edsidlemirth: "I wrote that for you as objectively as I could, because that's what you asked for. I don't spend my time subconsciously inventing reasons why people wouldn't like me out of whole cloth. You wanted me to think of and list the reasons, so there you go."
notatvcharacter: This really is so much trickier than cutting open someone's skull, you know. You can just stick them in the head brace, knock them out... "Did I say you did that?"
edsidlemirth: "But then that leaves us with a lot of this being either true or likely."
notatvcharacter: "Or at least leaves you feeling like it might be." He raises his hand, forestalling protest, "which is not the same thing as subconsciously inventing reasons out of whole cloth."
edsidlemirth: He won't look over at him. "I didn't put you on there. I'm still under the impression you're professionally neutral. What do you think about me when you go home?"
notatvcharacter: He mulls over that, for a few moments. It isn't even a question, whether to tell the truth or not. But how to put it is a little trickier. "I think you're one of the smartest people I've had the privilege and pleasure of meeting. But the way you've chosen to use that is a waste of something that could do a lot of good -- even though you've told me your reasons. And I think that it's going to be one of the biggest tragedies I've ever seen, if you don't make it out of this."
edsidlemirth: "What's important to me is considered trivial at -best-. I dislike the idea that I'm somehow obligated to use my mind toward whatever society says is good, like it's what determines whether my life's a waste or not... This, here, is my life being wasted. There's two pages of why it doesn't actually mean anything. I don't have any choice, any more. One does not make it out of what I have."
notatvcharacter: "You asked what I thought. My priorities there are different from yours. We've talked about that," Luke points out patiently. "You keep talking like you're definitely going to die. Like it's a done deal."
edsidlemirth: "I -am-! That's true. Come on, seriously!" He would like to hide under his pillow now. He rests his chin on his knees instead.
notatvcharacter: "Twenty percent isn't inconsiderable. I've won on horses with worse odds. If you are so sure you're going to die, then why are you still here, taking the chemotherapy?"
notatvcharacter: He seems to have derailed his own talk. Damn.
edsidlemirth: "That's for a couple years. Yeah, I could leave and last a couple months, huh?" He lowers his head to hide his eyes.
edsidlemirth: "I don't want to not exist."
notatvcharacter: "Not many people do." There's not really much he can say, here. Coming to terms with death is never easy, and it's never something that a doctor can help with, as much as it is just the patient going through the natural process. "You're going for that couple years, I'm willing to bet you've got a plan for it."
edsidlemirth: "Yeah, of course I have a plan," he says, shakily. "It's a good plan, really, just trust me on that. It's a -good plan-."
notatvcharacter: "It's important to you that it works out." Psychiatry: statement of the obvious.
edsidlemirth: "If I can pull it off, it'll be important to a lot of people."
notatvcharacter: If I can pull it off. That's new. "There's a chance you might not?"
edsidlemirth: "Well, I got sick." He tries to keep that sniffling sound -very quiet-.
notatvcharacter: He doesn't miss it, of course, but he doesn't say anything about it. He'll be ready with tissues, though, if he needs to be. "And what if you don't?"
edsidlemirth: "I won't be around to know I've lost. Not... long, anyway, maybe, I don't -know- how that goes..."
notatvcharacter: "You're probably sick of me saying 'it depends' by now."
edsidlemirth: "Nah, I know that. It depends. A lot of people check out without having gotten done what they want to do. I'm not... exempt, or something. Just feel like I should be."
notatvcharacter: "It'd be nice to be," he says quietly. "But no. You aren't."
edsidlemirth: "It would. It's really great to be able to do things most people can't. Good to be important."
notatvcharacter: "Damn right it is. Doesn't make everything automatically perfect, though. Doesn't guarantee you'll be happy."
edsidlemirth: "I've been really happy. I guess I feel like I'm exempt from all that, too." He moves his hand to gesture toward Luke. He means the papers.
notatvcharacter: "But you're still aware that people might feel that way."
edsidlemirth: "I'm not exempt. I wouldn't be here and like this if I were. I know how I felt before you cut out the tumor, and there's been...like... nothing there, in its pl... gawd, what am I even saying? I'm annoying. I suck. I'm an obnoxious, self-absorbed nerd...but I am a fucking -spectacular- criminal, so... so..."
notatvcharacter: It's not a little painful, watchng Nigma go through this. Doing it to him. But if it doesn't hurt, it isn't medicine. And that is what this is. "And is that all you are?"
edsidlemirth: "M'not that right now, not anything, kinda pathetic... this is really stupid... I should be... I'm brilliant and it doesn't matter..."
notatvcharacter: "Not right now. Not in here." Ouch. "So, what else are you? What else can you be?"
edsidlemirth: He makes a sound like he got kicked, and does not answer.
notatvcharacter: He sighs, quietly. At himself, whether or not Eddie would believe that right now. "That's what you need to figure out," he says gently. "What else you are, and what else good you are."
edsidlemirth: "No good. Nothing, okay. Okay? Nothing. Okay." This is barely audible. He is not taking this well.
notatvcharacter: "Now, that isn't true."
edsidlemirth: "I don't lie."
notatvcharacter: "No, but you can be mistaken. Especially talking about yourself. No outside viewpoint."
edsidlemirth: "Okay," he says, resigned, but quite skeptical.
edsidlemirth: His tone and this hidden glance from under his arms is -very- suspicious of Luke right now.
notatvcharacter: "You feel like this," he says gently, and taps the papers in his lap, "so you try to make yourself into someone else. Someone you can feel better about being. A brilliant master criminal in a snappy suit." A small smile. "And do your best not to think about everything else. And most of the time, it works. But you've got so much invested in that, that when something happens to damage it -- someone insults you, or you get sick -- you end up in a bad way, 'cause that image has been damaged, and you still don't want to deal with what's underneath. However conscious or subconscious that process may be." He takes a second to breathe. "My job now -- and I know you probably don't want to hear it, from the guy who just tore you an emotional new one -- is to help you figure out how to be okay with who you are, see yourself in a good light, even when you can't be who you want to be."
edsidlemirth: "This is not -helping- me, doctor," he says, voice still wavering but picking up some amount of wounded defiance. That quickly flees. If he were a violent person, maybe, he'd smack the guy in the head or something, drive him away. He's upset but he's not stupid. He doesn't want to be having this conversation while restrained. Then he couldn't hide his face. "Yeah, it -sucks and it doesn't matter- but it's important to -me-, okay? Why don't you care what's important to me? If you want to help."
edsidlemirth: And yeah, it's not that he doesn't hear what Luke's saying, but -his- job is to patch this hole in his ego, and some amount of flailing is to be expected.
notatvcharacter: Of course it is. And Luke will press back, and they'll see who comes out on top at the end of it. "You remember what I said, one of our first sessions together? My goals, here?" He lowers his voice. "It's never been my top priority to talk you out of what you're doing. Still on there, but not at the top of the list." Back to a more normal tone. "You've pointed it out yourself. It's a good gig you've got going. I want to round that out. So that you can function as well off-stage as on. You think that wouldn't be a good thing?"
edsidlemirth: "I think it would be a good thing if what I -am good at- actually mattered to you people. Or, you know, anybody. Geoffrey is totally obviously convinced he's smarter than me. Ass. Yeah, it doesn't matter here, I don't know. I don't know what to say, okay? I feel sick."
notatvcharacter: "I'm sorry." It's been very near an hour, he's sure, and he has a rough idea what he wants to tell Eddie now, what he wants to tell him to do, but -- this isn't the time to just say that, and leave. He doesn't, and he stays right there, quiet and waiting for what Eddie's going to do.
edsidlemirth: "So what are we going to do, now?" He knows it's been an hour. There is a definite unspoken 'don't leave now!' with that, but he doesn't know what to do. He tries to regain his composue and fails, and stops trying.
notatvcharacter: "Immediately, or long-term?" He's not getting up, here. (Poor orderly...)
edsidlemirth: "Right now, what're we going to do right now?"
notatvcharacter: "Well, if you don't mind me sticking around for a little while..." He smiles, wryly.
edsidlemirth: "Okay. Okay, so.... so what? What're we...." He relaxes sligtly, but that's relative.
notatvcharacter: "Depends. What do you want to do?"
edsidlemirth: "I don't know, I don't want to be like this."
notatvcharacter: "Who would?"
edsidlemirth: "You could help me?"
notatvcharacter: "That's what I'd like to do." Honesty time. "It won't be easy, for you or me. It's a lot harder to build a person up than to take them down." He looks apologetic. "But the payoff'll be worth it."
edsidlemirth: "But right now. You're going to stay a little while, then leave, and then they'll dope me up again. That just sucks."
notatvcharacter: A nod. "Unfortunately. I will stay, though. Long as I can."
edsidlemirth: He looks up, finally, though he's not doing any bette. "So what do I do?"
notatvcharacter: "Right now, or in the long run?"
edsidlemirth: "Right now..."
notatvcharacter: "Well, I know what I'd like to ask you to do once I'm out of here," Oh God, more homework? "But 'til then, it's up to you. Whatever you want. Or nothing at all."
edsidlemirth: "No. You said that. Don't say that. Tell me what to do right now."
edsidlemirth: "So I'll be okay."
notatvcharacter: He takes a moment to try and translate that from Eddie to English. "It's not that easy. If it were, high school would be a very different place." But he can try to give him a little push, maybe -- "What are some things in the past few weeks you've felt good about?"
edsidlemirth: "I didn't have a bad time in high school. Everybody thinks that..." He shrugs. "It felt really good to stop barfing, that was pretty awesome."
notatvcharacter: Luke shrugs. "It's an easy shorthand to fall back on. Anything else?
edsidlemirth: "I already talked about this, today, too."
notatvcharacter: "Seems like you could stand to be reminded, though. Humour me?"
edsidlemirth: "I stopped feeling good about that when we moved on."
edsidlemirth: "You know, and after we talked about this all -not mattering-, there was that, too."
notatvcharacter: "Humour me," he repeats patiently.
edsidlemirth: "I kicked ass in the riot."
notatvcharacter: A small smile. There we go. "What did you do, exactly?"
edsidlemirth: "I -told- you this story, you know."
edsidlemirth: "Like two hours ago."
notatvcharacter: "A lot has happened in those two hours. -Humour me.-"
edsidlemirth: "I enjoy arguing."
notatvcharacter: "No. I'd never've guessed," he drawls.
edsidlemirth: "Look, okay. I'm really glad I got the chance to run around and do something, and it was all me being -clever-, too, you know. But Geoffrey visited, and it was all -his- damn problems, and Batman couldn't care less who I am."
edsidlemirth: "And you guys in group are all 'yeah, that's nice, Eddie, now how are you, Simon?"
notatvcharacter: "And why did we do that, do you think?"
edsidlemirth: "You guys are on the clock."
notatvcharacter: "And if we spend all our time on one person..."
edsidlemirth: "You get booted for playing favorites."
notatvcharacter: "And what else?"
edsidlemirth: "Oh, come on. I'm worth more time than these people, seriously." Ah, there, you see? You cannot kill this thing. It grows more heads.
notatvcharacter: He'll need a torch to burn the wounds closed. Also some metaphorical equivalent. "And how'd you feel if we spent the whole time on, say, Simon or Johnny?"
edsidlemirth: "Annoyed. However, do you honestly think that the Joker's even remotely curable?"
notatvcharacter: "Not the point." He's not going to let this derail. ...more than it already has. "And if we'd let you have a disproportionate amount of time, they would have felt the same. I am sorry you felt ignored, but it wasn't because of any failing on your part. We have to be as fair as we can."
edsidlemirth: They are -different- from him, duh. It's easier for him to understand doing it to follow the rules. "Geoffrey pretty much has what I have, huh?"
notatvcharacter: "I haven't had the pleasure of meeting him. You think he does?"
"Nah, you're the doctor."
notatvcharacter: "And not a TV character. Whatever Dr. House may think."
edsidlemirth: "... You're my favorite doctor."
notatvcharacter: That startles a laugh out of him. "Hell, that's all it takes?"
edsidlemirth: "Noooo, not nearly." He doesn't laugh, but he does seem to be calming down a little. A lot of that has to do with building back up bits and pieces of his ego, but that's pretty normal for him.
notatvcharacter: "All joking aside, thank you. I hope I continue not to disappoint." A very genuine smile.
edsidlemirth: "Well, either I like you, or I want to smack you in the head, but I'm, uh.... yeah."
edsidlemirth: "Maybe we could not, you know... have a session like this? Again?"
notatvcharacter: "I think you already know what I'm gonna say." It's an apologetic look, there, sure. But not a surrendering one.
edsidlemirth: His tenative demeanor cracks again. He bows his head.
notatvcharacter: "I'm not doing any of it just to torture you," he says gently. "But it is gonna hurt, from time to time."
edsidlemirth: "I know that. Someday, though, we're going to talk when I'm not in here."
notatvcharacter: Luke's reaction may be unexpected. He grins. "I look forward to it."
edsidlemirth: He doesn't grin, quite serious right now, though that pleases him. "Someday you'll see what I've been doing all along, too, I promise."
notatvcharacter: "I expect to have never seen it coming." He means that much less as a joke than as a comment about his confidence in Eddie's abilities. ...and because it would probably be a bad idea to say I look forward to it again.
edsidlemirth: He nods, with a very faint smile. "What're you going to do after this?"
notatvcharacter: "Paperwork, mostly." Making sure this session is properly documented. "And once I'm off the clock, I'm gonna see how many other doctors I can drag to the nearest bar, so we can collectively forget this past week ever happened."
edsidlemirth: "Oh, that'd be nice. I don't usually drink, but... that makes sense. Company's good, for that..."
notatvcharacter: "Something like that. I'm not much for it, usually, but these are extraordinary circumstances." He pulls a face. "'Land the plane' my goddamn foot."
edsidlemirth: "Yeeeeah, pretty much. I don't blame you. If I were out... man, I wouldn't go drinking, but I'd go find -something- distracting."
notatvcharacter: Luke nods. "You came out of the whole mess looking pretty damn good. Where I'm just lucky you got Batman here as fast as you did."
edsidlemirth: "Luck was involved in all accounts. If I'd been elsewhere, I'd have been gassed, too, and then you'd be cleaning up the mess."
edsidlemirth: "But, yes, I was awsome."
edsidlemirth: He sighs.
notatvcharacter: "True enough. You were lucky. But you could have done a lot of other things beside what you did. If not escaped, then not called Batman, or just holed up and stayed safe 'til everything was over."
edsidlemirth: "It was really good to get to do something..." A slight change of subject. "How confidential are these sessions?"
notatvcharacter: "Depends on the situation. Usually, pretty, so long as no one's safety is involved. Why?" Yes, he can guess. But Eddie should know by now he likes to hear it from him.
edsidlemirth: "It's good to know what's getting spread around. You're going to go get drunk with the other doctors."
notatvcharacter: "I won't make myself a liar and tell you patients won't come up. But no specifics. And most definitely none of what we've talked about today. If I'm drunk enough to break that rule, I'll be too drunk to remember any of it, anyway."
edsidlemirth: "I suppose that will have to do, then." He smirks a little, and sits up, to lean against the wall. "Damn it..."
notatvcharacter: "I could just tell 'em I don't have a patient under that name." Then he's sitting up and cursing, and Luke gives him a more examining look. Problems? "Hmm?"
edsidlemirth: "When are you next back here?"
notatvcharacter: "Saturday, 'less I'm needed in a liaison capacity before then."
edsidlemirth: "I don't expect any other visits."
edsidlemirth: "Until then, I mean."
notatvcharacter: "I can't promise any. But Saturday. Be it rain, or shine, or fear gas... I will be here."
edsidlemirth: "My friends pretty much suck."
notatvcharacter: Well, they are crazy. "Why do you say that?"
edsidlemirth: "Because I'm -here-, and they've got better things to do."
edsidlemirth: "I don't want to be left here. I'm stalling. You know that."
notatvcharacter: "And yet, I'm still here." A smirk. "I am starting to feel a little sorry for my orderly, though."
edsidlemirth: "Yeah, that's why I'm stalling." He so doesn't care about the orderly. Orderly's getting paid to -stand there-.
notatvcharacter: Yeah, with Johnny and the rest staring back. Fun. "I do need to leave eventually -- I don't think they'd take kindly to me sleeping over -- but not 'til you're alright with that."
edsidlemirth: This is an awkward situation. He doesn't want the doctor to leave, and so he'll keep stalling him as long as he can, but eventually he will run out of steam. Or possibly need to be given his evening meds.
notatvcharacter: Luke will stay, and talk with him, until that happens. This has been an incredibly productive -- if painful -- session, and he's more than happy to keep it going, and ease the sting a bit. He will apologise to the poor orderly, though.
notatvcharacter: Funny how the doctor might be right, isn't it? Half an hour on the dot, and Luke's here, with all his files and paper, and the poor, waiting-outside orderly. He lets himself in, and gives the boy a smile. "Miss me?"
edsidlemirth: Eddie smiles slightly, and moves further over on the bed to make room for Luke to sit, too. "That really isn't much of a break that you got, there."
notatvcharacter: How nice. "Thank you." He'll take that seat, stretching out his long legs. "You get used to it. I thought it'd be better to catch back up with you sooner rather than later. How're you feeling?"
edsidlemirth: "You know the Joker's going to try to kill me first chance he gets, right?"
notatvcharacter: "For shooting him, or for calling Batman in?"
edsidlemirth: "Haha, yes."
notatvcharacter: "Don't give him the chance, is all I can say -- I know, all kinds of helpful. Maybe throw Batman in front of him again if he gets too close."
edsidlemirth: "Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Safest place I can be right now is here, probably. Because, really... does the guy -need- motivation to kill me if I run into him? No."
notatvcharacter: Luke does not say 'aim for the left side next time.' Not even in jest. "He's a strange one. I know you can out-think him, though."
edsidlemirth: "Oh, certainly. I'm pretty annoyed that he didn't die, though."
notatvcharacter: "You know what we call that? The cockroach factor."
edsidlemirth: He laughs a little, but that trails off. "I'm more annoyed that he doesn't have this, instead."
notatvcharacter: He nods. "It isn't fair, no." A priest and a mugger come in with the same injuries, and nine times out of ten, it's the mugger that makes it.
edsidlemirth: "You guys probably don't think I'm much less deserving of it."
notatvcharacter: "In my opinion, no one deserves something like that. Not even someone like him. But I've been told I'm a fool that way."
edsidlemirth: "He deserves to be put down behind the shed, doctor..."
edsidlemirth: Eddie shrugs, and slumps against the wall. "But, yeah, you want to keep everyone alive, et cetera..."
notatvcharacter: A solemn nod. "I'm a doctor. Not an executioner. It's my duty to help whoever needs it, regardless of who they are or what they've done."
edsidlemirth: "I don't want to die in here. Do I deserve that?"
notatvcharacter: "Yes." He's very sure of that, too. "If it comes to that, I'm pretty certain we can get you transferred somewhere more comfortable for your last days. Or maybe even released. There's precedent."
edsidlemirth: "Butwedon'thavetoplanthatyet...." Oh god backpeddal, backpeddal -now-.
notatvcharacter: "Hopefully, we never will." Hey, he's an optimist. "Change of subject?"
edsidlemirth: "Hopefully." He says that tentatively. 'Hopefully' might be a lie. Wishful thinking could be a trap. "Yeah."
notatvcharacter: "We've got the group session, and we've got the list I asked you to do. We will talk about both, but you can choose which goes first."
edsidlemirth: "The conversation we just had constitutes what I have to say about group therapy," he says, trying for matter-of-fact, and coming up with sullen.
notatvcharacter: "Well, then." That leaves homework.
edsidlemirth: "I did make my list. I said that I would." Please let's skip this? Sad eyes? He does not pull that off well at all.
notatvcharacter: Even if he did, it wouldn't save him. "May I see?"
edsidlemirth: Eddie hands over a couple sheets of paper that have been folded over several times.
notatvcharacter: He takes them. And doesn't look, just yet. First... "Thank you. I know this wasn't a fun thing for you to think about, and I appreciate your going through with it for me."
Eddie shrugs and doesn't comment. Acknowledgement for going along with this really isn't the greatest, even if it's acknowledgement.
notatvcharacter: Hey, better than him not? He could have not. He unfolds the papers, and takes a look.
edsidlemirth: This is a very meticulously organized list in a handwritten replica of some serif font, single-sided, with two columns on each page. The first page is general. Reasons why someone might not like him. Item one. They're stupid. Item two. They don't understand. Item three. They don't want to. People might not like him because they don't like someone being smarter than they are. People might not like him because they think he's faking it. People might not like him because he has to keep things a certain way. People might not like him because he's annoying. People might not like him because he broke the law. People might not like him because he's crazy. People might not like him because he's not good at things they'd appreciate.
notatvcharacter: He reads through, quietly. The whole thing. A solemn look on his face -- this is something to be taken seriously, after all. If he screws up at this juncture...
edsidlemirth: It's pretty harsh. He couldn't write down something if he thought it wasn't true, and it's not as if he's stupid. He sees how people react. He considered each one. There's spots where he went over the letters several times, and spots where the pen paused on the page, pooling slightly. A lot of the reasons for specific people are definite. His mother doesn't like him because she was stuck with his father after she got pregnant, because he didn't listen to her, because he fed his pills to the dog. His father doesn't like him because the man didn't want a kid and wanted a son to act the right way. Dr. Drake doesn't like him because he wouldn't cooperate and insulted her. Some go back into tentative territory. Harvey might not like him because he's obnoxious. Geoffrey might not like him because he got sick. Query might not like him because she got bored. He goes through this list of people he knows, pointing out that he is now sick, and probably dying, and isn't acting like himself. Batman doesn't like him because he sees and reacts to actions, doesn't hate him or like him, and this is about where it trails off, because Eddie doesn't -know-
notatvcharacter: It's what he was hoping for, honestly. This kind of honesty. Having him put it down on paper, having him see it in cold black and white. He has to break down the facade and get to the real, before he can do any real good. If he can. "Tell me how you feel about this," he asks, quietly.
edsidlemirth: "I wish you hadn't gotten me to agree to it. I wonder if you're trying to make me feel worse. You'd do that?"
notatvcharacter: "Do you really think I would?"
edsidlemirth: "You did make me feel worse."
notatvcharacter: "But that's not why I asked you to do it."
edsidlemirth: "Hm." He does not have witty comments for this.
notatvcharacter: And that's just fine. "I wanted you to do this so that you could see what you'd write. You've got a self-image built up, a way you see yourself and a way you want to be. But underneath it, you've got these worries, about yourself and how people see you." There's a time for the Socratic Method, and there's a time for lecture. He hopes this is the latter. "So when something like this comes along --" he gestures up at his head, "when anything comes along that puts you off your footing, you end up feeling like this."
edsidlemirth: "I wrote that for you as objectively as I could, because that's what you asked for. I don't spend my time subconsciously inventing reasons why people wouldn't like me out of whole cloth. You wanted me to think of and list the reasons, so there you go."
notatvcharacter: This really is so much trickier than cutting open someone's skull, you know. You can just stick them in the head brace, knock them out... "Did I say you did that?"
edsidlemirth: "But then that leaves us with a lot of this being either true or likely."
notatvcharacter: "Or at least leaves you feeling like it might be." He raises his hand, forestalling protest, "which is not the same thing as subconsciously inventing reasons out of whole cloth."
edsidlemirth: He won't look over at him. "I didn't put you on there. I'm still under the impression you're professionally neutral. What do you think about me when you go home?"
notatvcharacter: He mulls over that, for a few moments. It isn't even a question, whether to tell the truth or not. But how to put it is a little trickier. "I think you're one of the smartest people I've had the privilege and pleasure of meeting. But the way you've chosen to use that is a waste of something that could do a lot of good -- even though you've told me your reasons. And I think that it's going to be one of the biggest tragedies I've ever seen, if you don't make it out of this."
edsidlemirth: "What's important to me is considered trivial at -best-. I dislike the idea that I'm somehow obligated to use my mind toward whatever society says is good, like it's what determines whether my life's a waste or not... This, here, is my life being wasted. There's two pages of why it doesn't actually mean anything. I don't have any choice, any more. One does not make it out of what I have."
notatvcharacter: "You asked what I thought. My priorities there are different from yours. We've talked about that," Luke points out patiently. "You keep talking like you're definitely going to die. Like it's a done deal."
edsidlemirth: "I -am-! That's true. Come on, seriously!" He would like to hide under his pillow now. He rests his chin on his knees instead.
notatvcharacter: "Twenty percent isn't inconsiderable. I've won on horses with worse odds. If you are so sure you're going to die, then why are you still here, taking the chemotherapy?"
notatvcharacter: He seems to have derailed his own talk. Damn.
edsidlemirth: "That's for a couple years. Yeah, I could leave and last a couple months, huh?" He lowers his head to hide his eyes.
edsidlemirth: "I don't want to not exist."
notatvcharacter: "Not many people do." There's not really much he can say, here. Coming to terms with death is never easy, and it's never something that a doctor can help with, as much as it is just the patient going through the natural process. "You're going for that couple years, I'm willing to bet you've got a plan for it."
edsidlemirth: "Yeah, of course I have a plan," he says, shakily. "It's a good plan, really, just trust me on that. It's a -good plan-."
notatvcharacter: "It's important to you that it works out." Psychiatry: statement of the obvious.
edsidlemirth: "If I can pull it off, it'll be important to a lot of people."
notatvcharacter: If I can pull it off. That's new. "There's a chance you might not?"
edsidlemirth: "Well, I got sick." He tries to keep that sniffling sound -very quiet-.
notatvcharacter: He doesn't miss it, of course, but he doesn't say anything about it. He'll be ready with tissues, though, if he needs to be. "And what if you don't?"
edsidlemirth: "I won't be around to know I've lost. Not... long, anyway, maybe, I don't -know- how that goes..."
notatvcharacter: "You're probably sick of me saying 'it depends' by now."
edsidlemirth: "Nah, I know that. It depends. A lot of people check out without having gotten done what they want to do. I'm not... exempt, or something. Just feel like I should be."
notatvcharacter: "It'd be nice to be," he says quietly. "But no. You aren't."
edsidlemirth: "It would. It's really great to be able to do things most people can't. Good to be important."
notatvcharacter: "Damn right it is. Doesn't make everything automatically perfect, though. Doesn't guarantee you'll be happy."
edsidlemirth: "I've been really happy. I guess I feel like I'm exempt from all that, too." He moves his hand to gesture toward Luke. He means the papers.
notatvcharacter: "But you're still aware that people might feel that way."
edsidlemirth: "I'm not exempt. I wouldn't be here and like this if I were. I know how I felt before you cut out the tumor, and there's been...like... nothing there, in its pl... gawd, what am I even saying? I'm annoying. I suck. I'm an obnoxious, self-absorbed nerd...but I am a fucking -spectacular- criminal, so... so..."
notatvcharacter: It's not a little painful, watchng Nigma go through this. Doing it to him. But if it doesn't hurt, it isn't medicine. And that is what this is. "And is that all you are?"
edsidlemirth: "M'not that right now, not anything, kinda pathetic... this is really stupid... I should be... I'm brilliant and it doesn't matter..."
notatvcharacter: "Not right now. Not in here." Ouch. "So, what else are you? What else can you be?"
edsidlemirth: He makes a sound like he got kicked, and does not answer.
notatvcharacter: He sighs, quietly. At himself, whether or not Eddie would believe that right now. "That's what you need to figure out," he says gently. "What else you are, and what else good you are."
edsidlemirth: "No good. Nothing, okay. Okay? Nothing. Okay." This is barely audible. He is not taking this well.
notatvcharacter: "Now, that isn't true."
edsidlemirth: "I don't lie."
notatvcharacter: "No, but you can be mistaken. Especially talking about yourself. No outside viewpoint."
edsidlemirth: "Okay," he says, resigned, but quite skeptical.
edsidlemirth: His tone and this hidden glance from under his arms is -very- suspicious of Luke right now.
notatvcharacter: "You feel like this," he says gently, and taps the papers in his lap, "so you try to make yourself into someone else. Someone you can feel better about being. A brilliant master criminal in a snappy suit." A small smile. "And do your best not to think about everything else. And most of the time, it works. But you've got so much invested in that, that when something happens to damage it -- someone insults you, or you get sick -- you end up in a bad way, 'cause that image has been damaged, and you still don't want to deal with what's underneath. However conscious or subconscious that process may be." He takes a second to breathe. "My job now -- and I know you probably don't want to hear it, from the guy who just tore you an emotional new one -- is to help you figure out how to be okay with who you are, see yourself in a good light, even when you can't be who you want to be."
edsidlemirth: "This is not -helping- me, doctor," he says, voice still wavering but picking up some amount of wounded defiance. That quickly flees. If he were a violent person, maybe, he'd smack the guy in the head or something, drive him away. He's upset but he's not stupid. He doesn't want to be having this conversation while restrained. Then he couldn't hide his face. "Yeah, it -sucks and it doesn't matter- but it's important to -me-, okay? Why don't you care what's important to me? If you want to help."
edsidlemirth: And yeah, it's not that he doesn't hear what Luke's saying, but -his- job is to patch this hole in his ego, and some amount of flailing is to be expected.
notatvcharacter: Of course it is. And Luke will press back, and they'll see who comes out on top at the end of it. "You remember what I said, one of our first sessions together? My goals, here?" He lowers his voice. "It's never been my top priority to talk you out of what you're doing. Still on there, but not at the top of the list." Back to a more normal tone. "You've pointed it out yourself. It's a good gig you've got going. I want to round that out. So that you can function as well off-stage as on. You think that wouldn't be a good thing?"
edsidlemirth: "I think it would be a good thing if what I -am good at- actually mattered to you people. Or, you know, anybody. Geoffrey is totally obviously convinced he's smarter than me. Ass. Yeah, it doesn't matter here, I don't know. I don't know what to say, okay? I feel sick."
notatvcharacter: "I'm sorry." It's been very near an hour, he's sure, and he has a rough idea what he wants to tell Eddie now, what he wants to tell him to do, but -- this isn't the time to just say that, and leave. He doesn't, and he stays right there, quiet and waiting for what Eddie's going to do.
edsidlemirth: "So what are we going to do, now?" He knows it's been an hour. There is a definite unspoken 'don't leave now!' with that, but he doesn't know what to do. He tries to regain his composue and fails, and stops trying.
notatvcharacter: "Immediately, or long-term?" He's not getting up, here. (Poor orderly...)
edsidlemirth: "Right now, what're we going to do right now?"
notatvcharacter: "Well, if you don't mind me sticking around for a little while..." He smiles, wryly.
edsidlemirth: "Okay. Okay, so.... so what? What're we...." He relaxes sligtly, but that's relative.
notatvcharacter: "Depends. What do you want to do?"
edsidlemirth: "I don't know, I don't want to be like this."
notatvcharacter: "Who would?"
edsidlemirth: "You could help me?"
notatvcharacter: "That's what I'd like to do." Honesty time. "It won't be easy, for you or me. It's a lot harder to build a person up than to take them down." He looks apologetic. "But the payoff'll be worth it."
edsidlemirth: "But right now. You're going to stay a little while, then leave, and then they'll dope me up again. That just sucks."
notatvcharacter: A nod. "Unfortunately. I will stay, though. Long as I can."
edsidlemirth: He looks up, finally, though he's not doing any bette. "So what do I do?"
notatvcharacter: "Right now, or in the long run?"
edsidlemirth: "Right now..."
notatvcharacter: "Well, I know what I'd like to ask you to do once I'm out of here," Oh God, more homework? "But 'til then, it's up to you. Whatever you want. Or nothing at all."
edsidlemirth: "No. You said that. Don't say that. Tell me what to do right now."
edsidlemirth: "So I'll be okay."
notatvcharacter: He takes a moment to try and translate that from Eddie to English. "It's not that easy. If it were, high school would be a very different place." But he can try to give him a little push, maybe -- "What are some things in the past few weeks you've felt good about?"
edsidlemirth: "I didn't have a bad time in high school. Everybody thinks that..." He shrugs. "It felt really good to stop barfing, that was pretty awesome."
notatvcharacter: Luke shrugs. "It's an easy shorthand to fall back on. Anything else?
edsidlemirth: "I already talked about this, today, too."
notatvcharacter: "Seems like you could stand to be reminded, though. Humour me?"
edsidlemirth: "I stopped feeling good about that when we moved on."
edsidlemirth: "You know, and after we talked about this all -not mattering-, there was that, too."
notatvcharacter: "Humour me," he repeats patiently.
edsidlemirth: "I kicked ass in the riot."
notatvcharacter: A small smile. There we go. "What did you do, exactly?"
edsidlemirth: "I -told- you this story, you know."
edsidlemirth: "Like two hours ago."
notatvcharacter: "A lot has happened in those two hours. -Humour me.-"
edsidlemirth: "I enjoy arguing."
notatvcharacter: "No. I'd never've guessed," he drawls.
edsidlemirth: "Look, okay. I'm really glad I got the chance to run around and do something, and it was all me being -clever-, too, you know. But Geoffrey visited, and it was all -his- damn problems, and Batman couldn't care less who I am."
edsidlemirth: "And you guys in group are all 'yeah, that's nice, Eddie, now how are you, Simon?"
notatvcharacter: "And why did we do that, do you think?"
edsidlemirth: "You guys are on the clock."
notatvcharacter: "And if we spend all our time on one person..."
edsidlemirth: "You get booted for playing favorites."
notatvcharacter: "And what else?"
edsidlemirth: "Oh, come on. I'm worth more time than these people, seriously." Ah, there, you see? You cannot kill this thing. It grows more heads.
notatvcharacter: He'll need a torch to burn the wounds closed. Also some metaphorical equivalent. "And how'd you feel if we spent the whole time on, say, Simon or Johnny?"
edsidlemirth: "Annoyed. However, do you honestly think that the Joker's even remotely curable?"
notatvcharacter: "Not the point." He's not going to let this derail. ...more than it already has. "And if we'd let you have a disproportionate amount of time, they would have felt the same. I am sorry you felt ignored, but it wasn't because of any failing on your part. We have to be as fair as we can."
edsidlemirth: They are -different- from him, duh. It's easier for him to understand doing it to follow the rules. "Geoffrey pretty much has what I have, huh?"
notatvcharacter: "I haven't had the pleasure of meeting him. You think he does?"
"Nah, you're the doctor."
notatvcharacter: "And not a TV character. Whatever Dr. House may think."
edsidlemirth: "... You're my favorite doctor."
notatvcharacter: That startles a laugh out of him. "Hell, that's all it takes?"
edsidlemirth: "Noooo, not nearly." He doesn't laugh, but he does seem to be calming down a little. A lot of that has to do with building back up bits and pieces of his ego, but that's pretty normal for him.
notatvcharacter: "All joking aside, thank you. I hope I continue not to disappoint." A very genuine smile.
edsidlemirth: "Well, either I like you, or I want to smack you in the head, but I'm, uh.... yeah."
edsidlemirth: "Maybe we could not, you know... have a session like this? Again?"
notatvcharacter: "I think you already know what I'm gonna say." It's an apologetic look, there, sure. But not a surrendering one.
edsidlemirth: His tenative demeanor cracks again. He bows his head.
notatvcharacter: "I'm not doing any of it just to torture you," he says gently. "But it is gonna hurt, from time to time."
edsidlemirth: "I know that. Someday, though, we're going to talk when I'm not in here."
notatvcharacter: Luke's reaction may be unexpected. He grins. "I look forward to it."
edsidlemirth: He doesn't grin, quite serious right now, though that pleases him. "Someday you'll see what I've been doing all along, too, I promise."
notatvcharacter: "I expect to have never seen it coming." He means that much less as a joke than as a comment about his confidence in Eddie's abilities. ...and because it would probably be a bad idea to say I look forward to it again.
edsidlemirth: He nods, with a very faint smile. "What're you going to do after this?"
notatvcharacter: "Paperwork, mostly." Making sure this session is properly documented. "And once I'm off the clock, I'm gonna see how many other doctors I can drag to the nearest bar, so we can collectively forget this past week ever happened."
edsidlemirth: "Oh, that'd be nice. I don't usually drink, but... that makes sense. Company's good, for that..."
notatvcharacter: "Something like that. I'm not much for it, usually, but these are extraordinary circumstances." He pulls a face. "'Land the plane' my goddamn foot."
edsidlemirth: "Yeeeeah, pretty much. I don't blame you. If I were out... man, I wouldn't go drinking, but I'd go find -something- distracting."
notatvcharacter: Luke nods. "You came out of the whole mess looking pretty damn good. Where I'm just lucky you got Batman here as fast as you did."
edsidlemirth: "Luck was involved in all accounts. If I'd been elsewhere, I'd have been gassed, too, and then you'd be cleaning up the mess."
edsidlemirth: "But, yes, I was awsome."
edsidlemirth: He sighs.
notatvcharacter: "True enough. You were lucky. But you could have done a lot of other things beside what you did. If not escaped, then not called Batman, or just holed up and stayed safe 'til everything was over."
edsidlemirth: "It was really good to get to do something..." A slight change of subject. "How confidential are these sessions?"
notatvcharacter: "Depends on the situation. Usually, pretty, so long as no one's safety is involved. Why?" Yes, he can guess. But Eddie should know by now he likes to hear it from him.
edsidlemirth: "It's good to know what's getting spread around. You're going to go get drunk with the other doctors."
notatvcharacter: "I won't make myself a liar and tell you patients won't come up. But no specifics. And most definitely none of what we've talked about today. If I'm drunk enough to break that rule, I'll be too drunk to remember any of it, anyway."
edsidlemirth: "I suppose that will have to do, then." He smirks a little, and sits up, to lean against the wall. "Damn it..."
notatvcharacter: "I could just tell 'em I don't have a patient under that name." Then he's sitting up and cursing, and Luke gives him a more examining look. Problems? "Hmm?"
edsidlemirth: "When are you next back here?"
notatvcharacter: "Saturday, 'less I'm needed in a liaison capacity before then."
edsidlemirth: "I don't expect any other visits."
edsidlemirth: "Until then, I mean."
notatvcharacter: "I can't promise any. But Saturday. Be it rain, or shine, or fear gas... I will be here."
edsidlemirth: "My friends pretty much suck."
notatvcharacter: Well, they are crazy. "Why do you say that?"
edsidlemirth: "Because I'm -here-, and they've got better things to do."
edsidlemirth: "I don't want to be left here. I'm stalling. You know that."
notatvcharacter: "And yet, I'm still here." A smirk. "I am starting to feel a little sorry for my orderly, though."
edsidlemirth: "Yeah, that's why I'm stalling." He so doesn't care about the orderly. Orderly's getting paid to -stand there-.
notatvcharacter: Yeah, with Johnny and the rest staring back. Fun. "I do need to leave eventually -- I don't think they'd take kindly to me sleeping over -- but not 'til you're alright with that."
edsidlemirth: This is an awkward situation. He doesn't want the doctor to leave, and so he'll keep stalling him as long as he can, but eventually he will run out of steam. Or possibly need to be given his evening meds.
notatvcharacter: Luke will stay, and talk with him, until that happens. This has been an incredibly productive -- if painful -- session, and he's more than happy to keep it going, and ease the sting a bit. He will apologise to the poor orderly, though.