-apparently the cool kids do it-
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so my birthday is 7 days away.
7 long, drawn out days.
am i excited?
no.
do i wish i was?
yes.
but what's to be excited for when
it's just another day going by. just
another day to mark off the calendar.
and yes, i'm going to be a year older, but
when i look back on my life later on down the
road will i stop and think of february 19th, 2006?
doubtful. there's nothing memorable about it.
yes, i know.. i should be optomistic and all of that, but
it's so hard to pretend to be happy and put on a fake smile
when i'm feeling all of this pain inside of me.
i feel this gaping hole that's longing to be filled by somebody,
but i seem to be too lame or to fugly to find a willing candidate.
but then again, when i think about it..
maybe i DONT want to be with someone, because i really don't feel like
falling for another guys lies and deceit only to get my heart shattered to
the floor once again in a million peices.
i wish someone was holding me right now. cradling me in their arms and making
me feel loved. i deserve that. RIGHT? oh who knows. it's hard to tell anymore.
i've lost most of my old friends.
but for some reason, that hasn't phased me much, because i've gained new and
better ones to fill their place. my two girls are really all i need.
now if only i can fill the other half of my heart.
ugh, i must be a loser. i can't figure any other reason why i'm just sitting here
wishing for SOMEONE to come along that may never come. maybe i'm just setting myself
up for failure. who knows. maybe i'm destined to be alone. for all eternity.
wow, even just typing that gives me chills. i really hope that's not my destiny.
i can't see the screen.
i'm crying again.
it seems that's what i do best lately.
i guess i'll whipe these tears and put this smile back on my face.
maybe then people will THINK i'm doing okay.
but in reality, i may never be "OKAY" again..