I cried. Call it what you will...
A house of cards
A supple heart
Is not a place to dwell
Now you have your cake
Don’t hesitate
Come on just do it,
Come on just do it
Put it in your mouth
There is only now
Tomorrow has to wait
But know there’s no backing out
This is gonna be reality
You can never dream it down
I have No way
Of telling
The two apart
Well I made amends
In the general sense
But the devil’s in the details
And I know the cause
And I want to stop
But I can’t do it,
I just can’t do it
There was love I meant
There were accidents
So tell me which is which
‘Cus I just can’t work it out
But for memory and clarity
We had better write it down
I have no way
Of knowing the truth
With time it dissolves
I put the past into the ground
I saw the future as a cloud
If there's still time to turn around
I'm going to
Its just one day I fell asleep
And all day all night I dreamed
I am the first one I deceive
If I can make myself believe
The rest is easy...
bright.eyes|devil.in.the.details
Every fucking word.
I don't even know where to begin really.
Words elude me when i have things of great weight to communicate. So i turn to the conveyances of others that fit my mind-bits.
Naturally as I'm sure has been observed by the distant by now, i think to myself about what the use really is.
Who is going to read between the lines?
I've found through whatever measure of time that sympathy is pretty much impossible with a mine like mine, but who is going to take a stab at empathy?
Do i do this to appease others?
Do i do this to feel better about myself?
Do i do this just for the disappointment?
There's really no way of telling. I'm thinking that it's all of these things at the same time.
So i do what i do, and at least i exist.
I'm staring out into that vacuum again
from the back porch of my mind
the only thing that's alive, I'm all there is
and I start attacking my vodka
stab the ice with my straw
my eyes have turned red as stoplights
you seem ready to walk
you know I'll call you eventually
when I wanna talk, 'til then you're invisible
cause there's this switch that gets hit
and it all stops making sense
and in the middle of drinks
maybe the fifth or the sixth
I'm completely alone at a table of friends
I feel nothing for them
I feel nothing, nothing.
well I need a break from the city again
I think I'll ship myself back west
I've got a friend there she says,
"hey anytime"
unless that offers expired
I have been less than frequent
she's under no obligation
to indulge every whim
and I'm so ungrateful, I take
she gives and forgives and I keep forgetting it
and each morning she wakes
with a dream to describe
something lovely that bloomed
in her beautiful mind
i say, "I'll trade you one
for two nightmares of mine,
I have somewhere I die,
I have somewhere we all die"
I'm thinking of quitting drinking again
I know I've said that a couple of times
and I'm always changing my mind
well I guess I am
but there's this burn in my stomach
and there's this pain in my side
and when I kneel at the toilet
and the morning's clean light
pours in through the window
sometimes I pray I don't die
I'm a goddamn hypocrite
but then night rolls around and it all starts making sense
there is no right way or wrong way, you just have to live
and so I do what I do, and at least I exist
what could mean more than this?
what would mean more, mean more?
bright.eyes|hit.the.switch
So i'll declare myself in a period of seclusion once again.
I've got so much work to do.
And it seems that when i do this, others seem to take my distance a little more easily.
You know I'll call you eventually, when I wanna talk - til then, you're invisible.
I write this with my hood up.
Really, i just prefer the darkness. I'm one that ventures about when you guys stick to your belief in sleep. I'll rest when i have to.
Really, i just prefer the quiet. I'm one that taps into the goldmine between my ears when you guys are running about and screaming to blur the truth.
Nothing is as clear as the truth of lies and fears.
I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid to be alone. I've lived with it for long enough and i think i could do it forever if i had to.
Really, i just prefer my own room. I can do exactly what i want.
It seems that there are few others that can be decisive when i ask - so i'll just stick to doing my own thing. I can feel and choose and do just fine.
I know there's something much bigger than letting people down.
The point is I have a point.
period.
I'm truly sorry that i can't satisfy everyone.
I only have so much time, resources, etc. etc.
But i'm not worried about it as i said.
You may hurt, but if i could give you my mind for just five minutes as some of you have said you'd love - you'd hate it - for i hurt far more.
Been there, done that, got past it.
I'm too forward thinking.
And no one understands.
I decided at some point that my mind is too fast to shed a tear.
I can't tell you when i cried before last night.
Imagine that pain.
But last night i got stuck for a spilt-second long enough on this thought - to finally weep.
"i swear... if no one understands... i'm done."
I don't have many reservations in reason to write people off.
I say what i mean, i mean what i say, and i only have time to say it once.
I'm simply too forward thinking.
I'm hypocritical, i'm self-consumed, i'm self-righteous.
I embrace these that you'd call flaws.
I don't see them as such - they're simply more things that i know about myself.
How well do you know you?
I know myself well enough to jusify these traits.
Can you boil your personality down to certain definite traits and then give reason to them through real knowledge of experience and reflection?
Haven't met one of you.
there was love i meant, there were accidents
so tell me which is which
Bracket: "You're an intellectual slut."
In it for the mind fuck.
That's really just a side-effect with which i don't have a problem admitting that i take a certain pleasure in.
I love shooting flames through the ears of the less than.
I love watching their reality warp and melt behind their eyes.
I love seeing the distress of such pour from their ducts.
For then, I've hit.
Only then do i know i've been heard.
"I dream of a life that once could be, but seemingly impossible at the present."
Simply a venture down different paths - or maybe my venture down a path and you simply getting left in the dust.
Take a shower.
Rid yourself of this. Forget it.
And if you want to die, die. It's your life. You'd really be proving my point - and thereafter, you couldn't argue.
Don't ever guilt trip me.
I don't feel guilt.
Bar: You'll get your drawings back.
I love them by the way.
I think there's still a lot to be said. Just for peace of attempted understanding.
You know me - i don't know how well that'll go.
Still don't have the words in order.
So one day, i'll just take a stab.
I think you're a phenominal person altogether.
I could go on and on.
You were the answer for a time,
but i think i outgrew the major advice of my purple flower.
Despite that, I still think we'd make a great team.
I still think we could live in mutual smile-harmony.
It'd be warm and have a certain hint of summertime.
But infinately is unrealistic.
You crawled comfortably into my hole
and pulled me out.
Thank you friend.
Parenthesis: "You've been a stranger the past couple days."
It's only been a couple days - keep that in mind.
And i never meant for things to be built the way they were.
Now, i think in your mind there's nothing left for it to do but topple.
However, there were conversations left unfinished.
I'm still around.
I know your pain
and amazingly enough, after two visits
I know them better than any other.
I'm still around.
Don't let this topple you.
Just ask.
I can explain anything you'd like.
Honesty, reality, openness.
Don't topple,
I think there's room for more than 'hello'.
well i made amends, in the general sense
but the devil's in the details
I have quite a bit of work to do.
In coming out of my hole, i felt really good. I felt the urge to socialize you guys. And i did. I pursued that neglecting other things. Taking on more than I had finished.
I halfassed conversing with Dani and went about visiting others.
I actually surprise visited an old tribe member, Ashley Covert.
I love the feeling that comes with seeing and spending time with people in good spirits.
But i can only do so much of that.
I did too much at once and neglected some personal things.
For those close reading this, how crazy is it to imagine me not writing?
I quit journaling to avoid thinking about the unfinished things.
I just wanted to live for a time.
I feel that most of that is out of my system
and now i have these things whirling about my head that i have neglected.
It's going to be a challenge to find a balance in the future.
But that's too far for my concern right now.
I have to focus and straighten some things out.
So i'm secluding myself to do it.
I'm selfish and must have things on my terms or no terms at all.
Those that matter will be patient without my asking.
The others will leave absurd comments signifying their misunderstanding...
and i will unquestionably write them off.
Point:
I initiated a lot.
Now i have to own up to the consequences.
There's a lot in my world
and i have to sort through it.
For the pure and patient,
I will be in touch in time
and you'll know the terms i'm capable of.
i don't know yet.
And you have my apologies
for the pain I've inflicted sideways.
And Rox...
you're a whole other realm that needs to be addressed
and have some sense made of.
You may be she,
but four hours is killer.
No matter, you have my promise of purity
and honestly, I love you.
Take care of yourselves,
~J.R.K.
Post script ::
Thrash and Death - Send me your writing. Anything, everything.
Tex - we're still working on establishing our terms and place. I love it. In time.
Kid - i'm both happy and unhappy with your focuses. we need more time. thank you for your love and support.
The Fair Weather - ditto from above. I look forward to holding your letter.