unmedicated me
for many reasons i have gone with out one of my medications for the last couple of weeks. i need to go back on it, but at least now i know that i can survive without it, should doug and i ever decide to get pregnant. its really strange. i didnt realize that i could miss these overwhelming feelings. i can feel all the heartbreak of a breakup just by listening to a song. part of me hates the feeling, but part of me takes it in, and thinks about how, even thought its painful, its real, and i may never feel this again. although i enjoy the depth, i dont enjoy tearing up at stupid things, uncontrollably. like when im at work. uncle calvin passed on the night before last, and i was a mess at work yesterday. ive been left contimplating life, death, emotions, everything. i know im over sensitive as is, plus no meds, but this has really hit me. but so did aunt tinseys death. its just hard to see someone so good go. they were both a much appreciated example to me, even though we were not very close. when i think of happy times with my dads side of the fam, they are everywhere. i hope they know that. i guess i hope that there is a consious afterlife, or at least reincarnation, though common sense seems to tell me that we just cease to exist.
on a less deep note, i think i will actually have a chance to go back to school. i need out of the restaurant industry. im not comfortable there anymore. its not home. i want to finish my spanish degree and then maybe start one in psychology. i want to help people, that cant otherwise be helped. it will take alot of time and determination (but im hoping not more that i can come up with) but i hope i can get there. maybe its the lack of meds that has me over irritated at work, but im not going to question it. i need to better myself. for some reason, whenever i am not on my meds i feel like i am destined for something great. i wonder why i dont feel like this when i am content.
reading over older entries, makes time seem like it has disappeared. doug is still my better half. i never understood that phrase, really, before him. im hoping to make a better life for us, and lauren.
andrea is gone and im missing her. and annabelle. she is the perfect little girl. cant wait to have baby kisses again, and hear her say my name.
baby jack is not a baby anymore. but still perfect.
ill try to remember to write more than once every six months.
on a less deep note, i think i will actually have a chance to go back to school. i need out of the restaurant industry. im not comfortable there anymore. its not home. i want to finish my spanish degree and then maybe start one in psychology. i want to help people, that cant otherwise be helped. it will take alot of time and determination (but im hoping not more that i can come up with) but i hope i can get there. maybe its the lack of meds that has me over irritated at work, but im not going to question it. i need to better myself. for some reason, whenever i am not on my meds i feel like i am destined for something great. i wonder why i dont feel like this when i am content.
reading over older entries, makes time seem like it has disappeared. doug is still my better half. i never understood that phrase, really, before him. im hoping to make a better life for us, and lauren.
andrea is gone and im missing her. and annabelle. she is the perfect little girl. cant wait to have baby kisses again, and hear her say my name.
baby jack is not a baby anymore. but still perfect.
ill try to remember to write more than once every six months.