clean
I don't understand. I don't understant. How it ever could have gotten as far as it did. How I could have gone as far as I did. I stepped right over everything. Everyone. They're all gone. I'm alone now. I never felt so alone. Heroin. HEROIN. It wasn't that it was a PART of my life... It WAS my life. I never thought I could function clean... Sobriety seems so foreign to my body... My mind. It's almost like the poles have reversed and being high is my normal, and being sober is high. It's indescribable. I haven't talked to any of my friends in nearly a month. Chasing took up so much of my time, it's weird to just think. Just sit and think. But I'm so emotionally detatched and confused, I don't know what I'm feeling. Hell, I don't even know what's real. I mean, I ruined everything good I had in my life. I was completely blind. But of course, heindsight is 20 20 and i see everything I had before me. But I blew it. NAturally. So to pretty much anyone and everyone who reads these anymore, I'm sorry. I've done nothing the past 3 days. I've sat in one spot. I just watch movies and read. I rarely go out to smoke. It feels like nothing matters. Especially me. Which isn't a plea for people to comfort me about. I've done everything wrong. Folding time and space like Hiro Nakamora, what a dream. I could kick the shit out of me and tell myself what choices to make, or to NOT make rather. This is not even a journal really. It's just my thoughts. Electron signals going into my fingers to the keyboard. You just might be looking into my mind. One thing... How is a thought supposed to end?