[fic] some dance to remember (mabo/nagase)
Some Dance to Remember, a long-ago promised horror-themed MaboNaga fanfiction I started in March and only finished now. It's a murky kind of piece which is supposed to be kind of confusing. Honestly I wrote the porn first. But. Rated NC-17 for sex.
It's an AU where Liv is Nagase's daughter instead of his dog. But not really. And there is most likely a sequel. Or sequel(s). SIGHS.
Warnings (wow, warnings!): Dubcon, asphyxiation, abuse, mentions of cults, attempted suicide, attempted murder.
The thing with this village, Tomoya recalls with a vivid sort of flash, is that being around it is one of the worst ideas he could possibly think of, his less-than-admirable intelligence aside. Ohno is late, which he isn't surprised by, but part of him can't shake off the fact that he's late not because he decided to look down at the bodies of water around the village but because something terrible's happened to him. Just standing here by the lake has Tomoya's body erupting in shivers; he hasn't returned to this place in years, and technically he doesn't want to, but there are things he needs to know, and it just so happens that Ohno knows what those things are. In detail.
Tomoya really should be leaving. He should probably be running for his life. But he's a little bit afraid of the fact that if he starts to show any sign of panic, the fog's going to roll in, and he'll be trapped again for weeks. Months. Maybe even years.
His hand twitches and he feels the pocketknife in his jeans, and he knows it's not going to be able to save his life any time soon. Tomoya wishes he was better at planning ahead. He's already fought monsters, already fought people, and honestly, he should know better than this.
But he doesn't.
He checks his watch again, nervous, and out of the corner of his eye he sees a flash of military green and four wheels and hears a splash loud enough to wake the dead.
He's frozen for a moment, standing there and staring at the mess in the lake. Tomoya almost doesn't believe it's happening. But then suddenly there are bubbles.
It could be a hallucination, he tells himself. It could be the village trying to draw him in.
Tomoya is stupid and naive and he runs to the edge of the lake anyway.
His jacket is dropped and the cold air hits him, chills running up his spine. He knows he shouldn't. If Ohno turns up, then he's going to be sore over the fact that Tomoya missed their meeting again--if he turns up. The joke here is that for once, Tomoya will have actually come to the meeting place. But he decides: screw Ohno, he has better things to do.
The water is cold in a bitter way when he dives in, and he's certain that it's going to swallow him up into pure darkness and make him gag. Instead, however, it's cold and wet just like normal water, and through blurred vision he can see the car sinking. It frightens him just a bit because he isn't a professional swimmer or anything, and he hasn't ever actually saved someone's life before, but he pumps himself up and urges himself to reach the car door.
The idiot has his windows rolled down all the way, and as Tomoya peers in he can see that the man looks roughly his age. Dark hair, black jacket, deep violet shirt--he's sure this guy uses a lot of hair product. Tomoya doesn't register anyone else in the vehicle, but he can't tell for sure, what with the fact that he's trying to save a guy from dying and all.
Tomoya reaches his arm out, his oxygen supply failing him and a familiar burn starting in his lungs, but the man in the driver's seat looks like he's already passed out, and Tomoya knows he's drowning. He grabs his sleeve and struggles to pull the man out of the sinking car, kicks as hard as he can to reach the surface and suck up some oxygen--
--and makes it, gasping, his tongue tasting the frigidity of the world around him. He drags the other man, his muscles aching, and he makes his way to shore, pulling the other man up with him and rolling him onto his back.
He's not breathing.
"Ah."
Tomoya thinks as quickly as he can and tries to recall what he learned of CPR, and he curses in his head as he keeps the man's head tilted back just so, his fingers quickly measuring from his chest down to his ribs. He has to do it perfectly. He has to do it perfectly.
He breathes into the other man and works on the compressions, and he hopes he isn't breaking his bones. Tomoya goes and goes and when he leans down for the nth time and hears the stranger coughing, he quickly jerks back to give him space.
The man's spitting out water and coughing hard, and he turns onto his side and curls in on himself.
"Hey," Tomoya starts, his voice failing him and cracking. His hand finds the shoulder of the man's dark jacket. "Are you all right?"
"Anii?" the other man groans weakly, and Tomoya files it away as some incoherent, stupid mumbling.
Then suddenly it hits him. He'd been certain that the man had been alone. But could there have been someone else in there with him? Panic fills Tomoya as he looks back at the lake, and then back down to the man who's made himself comfortable in fetal position. "Oi. Was there some other guy in there with you?" he asks, shaking the man's shoulder as gently as he can.
This seems to trigger something as the man's eyes widen, and a harsh 'Anii?!' rasps out of him as he jerks up sharply. His eyes find Tomoya's and he glares hard, his shoulder quickly moved away from beneath Tomoya's hand. "What the hell did you do?"
"I pulled your stupid ass out of your sinking car," Tomoya answers simply, growing a little bit frustrated at the man's refusal to cooperate. "Now is there someone else in there I gotta save?"
Though the man's eyes are shifty and refusing to meet Tomoya's gaze, his head tilts back and he whispers a soft 'no'.
Tomoya tries not to sigh in relief.
"C'mon," he says then. "My car's a little ways away from the village. Can ya walk?"
The man doesn't answer, so Tomoya decides that no arguing means agreeing. The walk, in fairness, isn't bad, and Tomoya reluctantly gives up his dry jacket for the other man, who eagerly takes it around his shoulders. There's something about him that seems haunted, but Tomoya isn't surprised about that. This village is what it is, and there's probably a hell of a lot more to this guy that Tomoya doesn't know. Doesn't want to know.
The man sits soaking wet in the back seat of his car and Tomoya tries to think of what to do.
He doesn't want to go to the police, even though he knows he should. Logically speaking. Of course, thinking of the police leads him to thinknig briefly of Taichi, and he winces, and thinks that he doesn't need police from within the village or nearby. Hell, Tomoya doesn't want anyone who lives near this area to even know that he'd been around.
So much for Ohno, again. Tomoya really hopes that he'll be able to live without the information the guy had.
"Hey, uh." Good way to start, Tomoya. He swallows and regards the other guy through the rearview mirror. "Hate to break it to ya, but I don't have any clothes. I mean--I can take you to my place, but it's a few hours out there. You got a place I can take ya?"
The man shakes his head.
All right. Homeless man. At least he didn't smell homeless. Or like blood. "A'ight. My place. Uh--" Tomoya rubs the back of his neck with one hand, the other on the wheel still. "Yo, I'm Nagase. You?"
The other man doesn't try to hold out his hand, nor does he look back up the rearview mirror. Instead he's looking out the window, his fingers tapping a rhythm softly against the glass, and his eyes are lightly glazed over.
"Matsuoka," he mutters softly.
On the long drive back home, Tomoya tries to think of a big word: possibilities. For example, who is this 'anii'? And why was Matsuoka trying to drive into a lake?
In one aspect, it could very well be an accident, but that's Tomoya's optimism trying to butt its way in. This village, after all, does things, and Tomoya knows that when it comes to occurrences within it or around it, nothing is just as simple as an accident. Even when Tomoya had come here ages ago and his car had crashed, it was because the chief of that place wanted him in. Taking that into account, either something had forced Matsuoka off the road, or...
He can't really sugar coat it.
Or he tried to kill himself.
Tomoya doesn't know how smart an idea it is to bring a stranger home, but he's not really known for being smart. Of course, he has a little girl he's raising, but he doesn't know what else it is he can do to help this guy. The last time he'd dealt with the police had been when Liv was just a little girl, when a member of the village cult tried to take her away.
Naturally, Tomoya hadn't let it happen. And luckily, the investigations had ruled out his case as self-defence.
Still, he doesn't want the police to see him again. The Cult is careful. More importantly, the Cult is smart.
Tomoya's worked his ass off to outsmart them as far as he has now. He has to avoid them above all costs, even if disregarding the law is a part of that choice.
"So, uh..." he starts stupidly, hoping to pique Matsuoka's interest somehow. Or to at least hear his voice so he can be sure the guy isn't fucking dead. "What were you doing? Back there, I mean. At the village."
Matsuoka continues to stare out the window, and Tomoya swears he hasn't moved an inch ever since they'd left in the first place.
"I was looking for my anii."
There we go. "Did you find him?"
There's a long pause. Then Matsuoka finally turns his head, staring at the back of Tomoya's seat blankly. "He's dead."
Almost immediately, Tomoya's fingers curl tightly around the steering wheel, and like clockwork he thinks of his own dead wife. Of Ayu--
"Christ, I'm sorry," he blurts out. "I'm really sorry..."
He can't help but repeat himself. Tomoya is sorry. With this he can't really say Matsuoka is crazy for driving off the lake--not if his anii had been the only one he had left. It was likely too much to deal with the fact that someone he loved was dead, taken by that horrible place.
Tomoya had been lucky, at least. After he'd fought and lived in there, he got himself a daughter. And he isn't alone.
Christ. What if Matsuoka is alone?
It's that that has Tomoya making up his mind, even though he knows he should be smarter than this, even though he knows he should be on his guard at all times.
He offers Matsuoka the chance to stay at his place for an indefinite amount of time.
Matsuoka just shrugs in response, but he doesn't say no. Just takes the dry clothes, says 'no' to dinner, and stays by the couch, mostly. Tomoya doesn't like looking at him, doesn't like the way Matsuoka stares at the television set and the bright lights reflect in his eyes as he looks but doesn't watch.
It's not that hard to make up an excuse for Liv to believe Matsuoka isn't a bad guy. Tomoya just tells her that he's having a friend over for a sleepover, and Liv's had enough sleepovers with her own friends to have her eyes going bright at the idea of it. There aren't any late night films to watch or sleeping bags or anything fun and girly about it the way Liv thinks sleepovers usually are, but she takes it in stride. Even though Tomoya thinks fun things like sleeping bags might have made the situation easier to bear.
There is no fun. There is no Barbie animated film. All there is are two sad men and a little girl who doesn't know any better.
Tomoya offers his bedroom, but Matsuoka says no. Instead, he curls up on his couch, his face turned away from the room, and Tomoya assumes that he's passed out already. From here, it takes Tomoya two minutes to get a nice comforter from his own bed to put on top of the other man before he heads along to tuck Liv in for the night.
Tomoya tries his best to stay up so he can work, but he finds that he can't. Not after a day like today.
Even after the Hell he went through in that village so many years ago, and after being attacked by a cult member even more recently in his own home, Tomoya still finds himself capable of giving trust to other people.
Mostly, it's because he needs hope in his life. Sometimes it's just simple confidence in other people. Optimism, or whatever the kids call it these days. Of course, he doesn't have a clue about what Matsuoka thinks, but Tomoya understands where he's coming from: something awful happened in that village, and the man needs some time to accept it. It's going to take patience. It's going to take time. But at the very least, Matsuoka won't have to deal with it alone.
Still. Tomoya should've kept his guard up even while asleep.
He's not in a deep sleep or anything. He's exhausted, and he isn't dressed properly for anything like this. Though he's flung his jacket elsewhere and kicked his shoes into some corner, he's still wearing his jeans and his shirt's still on his body. At most, Tomoya is dozing. He's half-asleep, and he's tired enough not to care very much about the way he feels something fleetingly brush by the side of his face. For all he knows, it could just be a dream. And it probably is.
But then the pressure on the bed hits him like a freight train. The mattress is shifting at some random, additional weight, and this is when Tomoya tells himself to open his eyes.
There are knees pressing into his thighs and he can't move his legs.
There's breath against his neck, travelling up his ear, a soft murmur hanging on the wind.
"Anii."
Tomoya can't really think it to be anyone else. Matsuoka is looming over him. Tomoya opens his mouth to tell him something, but instead finds himself letting out a yelp as the pillow under his head is pulled away. Without much delay it's pressed over his face, tight enough to take away any chance he has of breathing.
He panics. Instantly.
Kicking is impossible, however. Matsuoka has his legs pinned down, and when Tomoya tries to reach his arms up to pull the pillow off his face, the pillow only presses tighter against him. He gasps against the suffocation, writhing and moving as much as he can against the pressure, but it doesn't make Matsuoka move very much in return. In fact, it feels like he's pressing even harder, which Tomoya doesn't even think is possible right now.
He can't breathe. There isn't any air coming in. His lungs are burning and desperation sinks into his bones as he tries to gasp for air and fails. Even though he knows he's needed a new pillow for the longest time, he only notices it now. In the middle of him begging and trying for air, he sucks a feather into his mouth and chokes on it.
His hands flail and move in the air until his fingers finally find the front of Matsuoka's shirt and curl in. His other hand forms a fist and he punches the side of Matsuoka's face, and the grip on the pillow is released. Tomoya wastes no time in shoving Matsuoka off the bed, twisting and coughing out the feather from his mouth while he tries to gasp for air. Time seems to skew; it takes him too long to catch his breath, because he can hear Matsuoka getting back onto his feet, and he can feel the man's fingers dragging into Tomoya's scalp and pulling him out of bed.
Tomoya's feet drag across the floor as he's pulled, his scalp beginning to sting. He kicks and struggles blindly, but the grip not once releases. "Matsuoka!" he shouts, but his breath fails him and his voice is hoarse, and Matsuoka either doesn't hear him or finds himself incapable of caring. He shoves Tomoya by the head, a yelp escaping him as he stumbles against his desk, banging his knees and shins hard enough against the wood to bruise them. Matsuoka's hands curl around his wrists and from behind, he shoves Tomoya against the desk, pinning him face-down.
Somehow, the first thought in Tomoya's head is well, at least I can still breathe.
"Matsuoka," he tries again, his voice struggling to remain steady and calm. Patience. He has to be patient. "What... the hell is happening?"
Matsuoka doesn't give him a word in return. All Tomoya gets is heavy breath against his ear, and a shudder as the other man presses against him.
"Matsuoka--"
The sudden movement comes out of nowhere, but it's slow. Tomoya is admittedly aware of how fucking oblivious he can be sometimes, but it's difficult to misinterpret the way that Matsuoka is moving his hips against his backside. It sends a shiver crawling up his spine and his fingers tightening, and Tomoya feels his throat drying almost immediately in response. It's been a long time. It's been a long time since he's had anyone do something so personal to him--
But this. Isn't normal.
"Matsuoka!" Tomoya's shouting at him urgently now, and he convinces himself that he isn't groaning at how Matsuoka starts to grind against him harder. In lightning fast speed its no longer hesitant, no longer slow, and the new pressure Tomoya receives against his body kills him in a completely different way; it bothers him how he might actually like it, just a little. Only a little.
It's just been so long, his mind argues defensively. But then Tomoya knows that this isn't okay. He can't be pinned down like this. He starts to twist under Matsuoka, grunting during the struggle and trying to hold back his own sounds of pleasure as he feels just how hard the other man is against him even through their jeans. Tomoya grits his teeth, hissing out a 'stop' as a warning more than anything, but Matsuoka acts like he can't hear a word Tomoya says.
In sharp retaliation Tomoya's arm twists away from Matsuoka's grip as he slams his elbow into the older man's ribcage. The surprised sound that comes is relieving as Matsuoka's grip slackens, and this opening allows Tomoya to pull away and hit him again across the face. Then he shoves him back, not giving Matsuoka a single shot to rebel against him. Tomoya doesn't like to be rough, but he knows how to defend himself--he pushes Matsuoka back enough into his open closet before slamming the door shut and holding onto the handle with both his hands. Tomoya presses his full weight against the door, and he can't help the wince that escapes him when he feels the man on the other side trying to open it, pushing against the wood to get it open.
"Papa?"
For God's sake, not now. Tomoya winces and tries to ignore the sound of Matsuoka starting to bang against the door. He knows he can't turn to look at Ayu--Liv, but he knows that she's standing right by the door to his bedroom.
"Princess," Tomoya starts, a tired sort of smile on his face. "Not now."
"How come there's banging?" Liv asks, and Tomoya can hear the fear in her voice--can feel it on his own skin. "Is the monster in the closet back?"
"No, no! It's fine. It's fine. Look"--he struggles to keep his voice intact--"why don't you go downstairs and watch some TV? Make it as loud as you want. I'll be down when I can, I promise." He swallows, his eyes closing, and he keeps his voice steady as best he can. "Stay down there, okay?"
He hears Liv's little feet taking her downstairs immediately. Tomoya never lets her stay up late no matter the circumstance, so he imagines the opportunity is a treasure at her age. She's gone and down the stairs, and in only a minute or two he hears the TV blaring about a commercial for Pocky.
Matsuoka slams against the door and it feels like he's used his entire body on that one, and Tomoya holds back his wince. Matsuoka shouts at him angrily, "Open it!"
"How about you just fuck your own hand and fix it like that?" Tomoya says flatly, but he's interrupted by another slam as he moves to try to press back against it. His fingers had nearly slipped on the handle that time, and he pales. "Matsuoka, you piece of shit, what the hell is--"
The slam that follows is powerful enough to throw the door open, making Tomoya stumble back. Fuck, he has enough mind to think before Matsuoka charges for him, grabbing his throat and pushing him down to the floor. Tomoya feels the back of his head slammed against the wood a few times, and pain blooms like a flower.
His head throbs with pain, the grip on his neck tightening and his air cut off once more, and Tomoya goes dizzy. Then he feels lips on his, hot and desperate and unrelenting, and teeth biting him and scraping against him and a warm tongue pressing into his mouth. Tomoya doesn't have the sense of mind to fight back immediately, but when he does try to move under Matsuoka, he feels the hold on his throat tighten and pain blooming anew when his head is slammed against the floor again. The lack of oxygen and the room practically spinning has Tomoya unable to do anything but be breathless under Matsuoka, and even his mind is empty of curse words.
His right hand is crushed underneath Matsuoka's, holding on tightly as he's pinned against the floor. Tomoya can hardly writhe, can't even breathe, and he tries his best to ignore the feeing of a hot mouth against his own. He hasn't been touched like this in what feels like a god damn century--it's been eleven years since his wife died. Fuck. It's been ages.
The hand on his throat lightens up just enough so Tomoya can breathe through his nose, but he can't quite pant with Matsuoka still attacking his mouth. He can't even groan; the sound comes out as more like a whine, and somehow it signals Matsuoka to start going again, because the man's hips press against his own once more. The way he moves is vicious--it's almost angry as he starts to grind up against him, merciless and absolute. And it isn't right, but shit--a good part of Tomoya wants this.
Matsuoka pulls away and Tomoya wheezes for air, but he goes stock still when lips are at his ear and a soft anii is whispered into it.
This is fucked up. All of this--all this violence, all this anger, and Tomoya can feel it in his chest. A pang of pity for him. For Matsuoka who probably drove the car into the lake himself.
Then he hears it again, the name anii breathed out as Matsuoka presses his lips to his neck, his fingers sliding down from his throat and moving to press onto Tomoya's shoulders. He curses in his head again--he has no idea what it is he's supposed to be doing. And at this point, he doesn't think he can shove Matsuoka away, either, because he's fucked up and selfish and he's enjoying it. The attention. The touch. And because he can't push away the feeling that saying no will break Matsuoka into a million tiny pieces. Not that he isn't already broken into a million tiny pieces.
Pain blooms when Tomoya's hips are curled into and the other man just grinds against him, and with Tomoya's free hand he grasps at Matsuoka's arm as his other hand remains crushed beneath the other man's. He can't squirm, he can't move a bit under Matsuoka--the pressure is enough to keep him pinned, but it's got just enough space for Matsuoka to move the way he wants. Tomoya doesn't fight it. And when he feels how hard he himself has gotten in such a short amount of time, he actually allows himself to groan.
He curses when he feels Matsuoka turn him over onto his stomach, his chin smacking against the floor and a hiss escaping him in annoyance. Tomoya forgets this immediately, however, as he feels the other man rocking against his ass just like earlier, shivers crawling up his entire body and his eyes shutting tight.
"Matsuoka," Tomoya manages, his teeth gritting together. As much as he wants this... "I can't--" His eyes snap open as he feels a hand squeeze his backside. "Matsuoka! Ayu's--"
He can't manage another word as Matsuoka doesn't allow him to talk, or at least, Tomoya feels he isn't allowed with the way he starts to move against him. Matsuoka grinds and squeezes him in places that have Tomoya panting and moaning more than he thinks that anyone's ever made him moan. And that right there is just fucked up, he's never done this with a man before, holy fucking Christ.
Matsuoka's hands work the button and zipper to his jeans, and he feels them get folded down and--shit. How much of Matsuoka even realises that Tomoya isn't his fucking anii, as messed up as it is that it seems he's fucked his older brother? Tomoya's teeth grit and shudders follow him when he hears the way Matsuoka's own fastenings are undone.
"Matsuoka," Tomoya tries, his words wrapped around a groan. God fucking damn it, he's not ready for this, but somehow Tomoya's sure that he can't stop at all, either. He tries to shift under Matsuoka's body, but then a grunt escapes him as a hand slams on he back of his head, pushing his face to the floor. "Damn it, Matsuoka--just need to get to my desk!"
The pressure doesn't relieve itself and Tomoya allows himself an annoyed sound. "Second drawer closest you, you fucking tool."
Talk about control issues. Tomoya gives the man an irritated look out of the corner of his eye, but it doesn't seem like Matsuoka's paying much attention. The man's hand moves things around in the drawer until he finds a bottle of oil. Tomoya groans in frustration before talking again. "Further in, dumbass." God, he's still hard. "It's in the back. You get it?"
There are more shuffling sounds. Tomoya can't see very well with the way Matsuoka keeps his head forced down like that, and he curls his fingers into tight fists, trying not to grumble in annoyance until he feels the hands move away from his body.
If Tomoya were smart, he'd take this chance to escape. Logically speaking. Not that anything's ever been logical since he left that fucking village, and this is why Tomoya's sure Matsuoka's just as fucked up as he is. He can't help but feel sorry for him, even though Matsuoka needs some kind of mental help. He just can't say no. Momentarily he's remembered of Joshima, who he refused when he needed him the most. And he thinks of Taichi and shooting him down in self-defence. He even thinks of Nakai, who he allowed to be pulled down into the murky depths of Hell.
Tomoya doesn't think there's any part of him--sane or insane--that could refuse Matsuoka right now, even if it isn't the smartest thing to do. He knows he should signal somehow that this isn't something okay, but he just can't. Just the thought of shoving another human being away for his own well-being sends him back down the trip through Guilt Road.
He's never experimented penetration on himself. Tomoya's never really even considered it. Despite Matsuoka being very well-lubricated, Tomoya can very acutely feel the rubbed of the condom as it burns him. It's not something that he's familiar with, and somehow he can't stop himself from groaning at the slow push of something solid and hot inside of him.
Ayu is downstairs watching TV, and he honestly hopes that she stays there and doesn't hear a damn thing coming from upstairs. Not when he can feel fingers dragging over his stomach and his chest, Matsuoka looming over his back and groaning anii into his ear. Tomoya finally accepts the fact that Matsuoka really is lost in some kind of delusion, aware of the fact that the other man is touching him everywhere but the one part of him that most obviously isn't a woman. He just isn't sure if he feels insulted or if he just pities Matsuoka even more because of it. The touches are overwhelming all the same, however, and Tomoya grits his teeth when he feels Matsuoka jerking harder inside of him.
He is being stretched beyond belief. It's too much to take in and he sort of wants to try and shove Matsuoka away, but he knows better than that. It would damage him.
More importantly, though, a larger part of Tomoya doesn't want this to end. Wants this badly.
And it's only a matter of time until Matsuoka is all the way inside, but somehow Tomoya still feels like it doesn't end and it won't ever. The man moves a little faster, back and forth, inside of him, and it makes Tomoya moan in ways he's never heard himself moan, his teeth finding his wrist to keep from making too much noise.
This is futile, of course. Matsuoka rocks a little harder and hits something inside of him, enough to make Tomoya yelp and gasp in surprise. Fuck, what the hell is that? And holy fucking hell, does Matsuoka have to do it again? Tomoya bites even harder, this time into the meat of his palm, as he tries so desperately not to scream in pleasure at the spot Matsuoka is purposely grinding against.
God damn you.
The same name is groaned, for the most part. Anii anii anii. And Tomoya swears he's going crazy himself when he thinks he hears a Nagase slipped in-between. Just how much of Matsuoka's consciousness is even present?
Lost in this entire hurricane, Tomoya doesn't know who comes first and who comes last. All he can tell is that at some point he feels himself going tense and then suddenly overwhelmingly relieved, and that Matsuoka doesn't stop fucking him until he's completely done.
For a long while there's a disturbing silence between them both aside from the pants for breath they both beg for. Tomoya rests his forehead against the floor, part him still unable to believe what it is he's just let Matsuoka do to him. Somehow, though, he doesn't think he regrets it. And that might be the scariest part of all.
Matsuoka pulls out and it's almost a little painful, even though Tomoya's experienced worse. The physical pains he felt from that damn excursion through the village are almost completely forgotten. But the mental ones scarred him most, regardless.
He feels his shoulders grabbed as he's turned over, and a curse escapes him as his head is slammed against the floor. A wince follows as his back touches the wet spot he left on the floor, and his shirt soaks it all up. It's filthy and it's awful but Tomoya still sort of likes it. He looks up at Matsuoka who looks bewildered, like he's not entirely sure what just happened.
"Anii?" he attempts. Tomoya winces.
"No."
The man's fingers start to touch his face, as if it's going to help Matsuoka figure out whether or not this is his dead anii or not. Like looking at Tomoya isn't enough. Like just having fucked him seven ways to Sunday hadn't been enough to tell him that this person beneath him isn't even a woman.
Absently, still with wide brown eyes, Matsuoka asks, "Who's Ayu?"
"What?" Tomoya replies, shaky, his stomach sinking and his head repeating the word shit.
"You said 'Ayu'."
Christ.
"Did I?" Tomoya asks, like that's the smartest thing to say. God damn it. Did he say 'Ayu'? It's supposed to be 'Liv'. They're hiding from some insane fucking cult and he said Ayu and not Liv and it's not like he really knows what Matsuoka is up to, and what if he's part of the cult, what if he tells them, does he know they exist?
Matsuoka's fingers touch his face and hair in a manner that's almost gentle. "Yeah." And the way the man touches him has Tomoya feeling like if Matsuoka had been so kind earlier, he might have allowed the whole thing even quicker.
"It's just an old memory," Tomoya whispers, and it should be enough. It must be, because Matsuoka doesn't ask any more. After all, there's something bigger than Tomoya mentioning Ayu--there's realisation dawning on Matsuoka's face, his eyes going even wider as he touches Tomoya's face. Something is going horribly wrong, and Tomoya feels the man's fingers trembling before Matsuoka just collapses atop him. Tomoya groans in discomfort, his backside hurting enough without the extra weight. But he can't say a thing because Matsuoka is sobbing into his shoulder and wailing anii against him.
For God's sake. Tomoya winces and manages to sit up until he finds the desk to prop himself up against, and he awkwardly places his arm around the other man's shoulders. He definitely can't shake Matsuoka off. Not like this.
"Morning, Liv." Tomoya doesn't even hide how exhausted he sounds when he moves from upstairs, but he does his best to keep himself as composed as he can. The TV is loud as hell and his ears hurt, but he doesn't tell Liv to turn it down. The little girl gets on her knees while sitting on the couch, looking at him worriedly.
"Papa, you're walking funny."
God damn, did she really have to--but then, it's not like Liv really knows any better.
"I'm fine," Tomoya says. "Papa just walked into his desk like a dummy."
He doesn't wince when Liv gets off the couch and hugs him tight. He's far more exhausted than he thinks he's ever been in a long time, but he doesn't nudge her off. In fact, Tomoya holds onto her.
"Were you scared?" Tomoya whispers softly.
"Just a little," Liv says, smiling at him. "What did you do?"
"Moved stuff around in my room. Look... get yourself to bed now, all right?"
"Okay!" Liv smiles. "Night, Papa." She doesn't even question it. She doesn't doubt the words that Tomoya's giving her. Liv just toddles over right to her bedroom and Tomoya gropes at the couch until he finds the remote to turn off the television.
Many times after leaving that village, he's hoped that he's escaped it. But it seems to chase after him. Other people. And once it's touched something, it will never leave it, as if having forever tainted anything and everything. He and Matsuoka are probably living proof of just that.
He closes his eyes and sighs. Tomoya's given up his bed for Matsuoka and he hopes that it's the smart decision, because he doesn't have any energy at all to try climbing back upstairs at all. He crawls onto the couch, careful, and curls up on his side.
What a night.
When Tomoya wakes up, it's way too early. The sun isn't even really shining. His eyelids are heavy, his body hurts--his ass more than anything else--and he thinks he should really just sleep the entire day away and turn his brain off. He knows he can't though. He thinks of Hell, going back and forth, Matsuoka, and a man he doesn't know beyond the nickname 'anii'.
Whatever happened, it hurts Matsuoka and it drags him under. Tomoya has the feeling that he's much too helpless to be able to help Matsuoka substantially, and that Matsuoka will gladly immerse himself in his own misery and delusion. Like before, Tomoya is too fucking helpless to make a difference.
Damn.
He gets up and he winces, and he can't quite get up off the couch. He has to make coffee and breakfast. He's not even on his second mug when he hears footsteps much too heavy to belong to an eleven year old girl approaching the kitchen, and for a moment, he tenses--and remembers then that it's Matsuoka. Of course, that stresses him out, too, but it could be worse.
Matsuoka stands at the doorway to the kitchen, wearing the clothes he was in yesterday when he drove into the lake. He's ruffled and he could use more rest, but Tomoya has the feeling that isn't going to happen. The way Matsuoka is looking at him doesn't really suggest the same kind of odd behaviour he'd had since Tomoya tugged him out of the lake, at least. There's more than being lost, now. There's guilt there, and Tomoya feels personally responsible. Maybe he should've stopped him. Shoved him away. Maybe he should have hit him had and knocked him aside and beat him up for doing the wrong things. But he didn't have the willpower. He had tons of chances, but he didn't have the courage.
"Leaving, huh?" Tomoya says awkwardly.
"I thought you'd want me to," Matsuoka replies with a frown.
"I'm not bothered." Tomoya isn't sure if that's the truth, though.
"Then I want to." Matsuoka frowns. "What I did to you--" Tomoya cuts him off with an "I could have stopped you." His voice is sharp. More than he means for it to be, really. "I could have, but I didn't. All right?"
Matsuoka comes closer to him, but somehow it isn't threatening like it had been the night before. This time, Matsuoka isn't carrying the weight of delusion with him. "Fine," he concedes, "but I'm not staying. I just..."
"I can't help you," Tomoya says, even though it bothers him.
Matsuoka half-smiles, half-winces. "No," he agrees. "It'd be great if I could blink and this would all disappear. Magic for darkness."
Tomoya agrees. But he doesn't say it out loud.
"Oi, Tomoya."
He lifts his head, surprised to hear his first name. It's sudden, to switch from respectful tones to sudden first name bases, but it's not particularly unpleasant. Not in comparison to the way he'd heard his last name spat out the night before. Matsuoka's voice is hesitant and unsure, and Tomoya has some feeling that maybe this is more like the Matsuoka that had existed before his life went to shit.
The kiss that follows is slow, but it's still hot when he can taste the other man's mouth on his own, and the way he feels Matsuoka's tongue lick at the insides of his teeth and his gums. Tomoya shivers, and it reminds him all too acutely of too much. But then Matsuoka is gone, and his hand is cupping the side of his face as he looks at him.
"Thanks," he breathes, "for trying to help me out."
And then he walks out and disappears.
Tomoya feels a headache creeping in, and he holds said head in his hands. Then the pain comes to him, hitting him right in the temples almost painfully. He hates this. He hates his helplessness. It has him wondering if he can keep raising Liv, if he can take care of her, protect her--and why is it so hard? Why is it so easy? Why can't he do it for anyone else who's ever needed him?
The offer had never been closed, Tomoya argues.
If Matsuoka ever turns around, it'll still be there. He can still stay...
But it might as well have been closed, Tomoya knows, and there's no chance. Matsuoka has left him and all that's left is Tomoya and a cooling cup of coffee, and even that is too much to bear.
It's an AU where Liv is Nagase's daughter instead of his dog. But not really. And there is most likely a sequel. Or sequel(s). SIGHS.
Warnings (wow, warnings!): Dubcon, asphyxiation, abuse, mentions of cults, attempted suicide, attempted murder.
The thing with this village, Tomoya recalls with a vivid sort of flash, is that being around it is one of the worst ideas he could possibly think of, his less-than-admirable intelligence aside. Ohno is late, which he isn't surprised by, but part of him can't shake off the fact that he's late not because he decided to look down at the bodies of water around the village but because something terrible's happened to him. Just standing here by the lake has Tomoya's body erupting in shivers; he hasn't returned to this place in years, and technically he doesn't want to, but there are things he needs to know, and it just so happens that Ohno knows what those things are. In detail.
Tomoya really should be leaving. He should probably be running for his life. But he's a little bit afraid of the fact that if he starts to show any sign of panic, the fog's going to roll in, and he'll be trapped again for weeks. Months. Maybe even years.
His hand twitches and he feels the pocketknife in his jeans, and he knows it's not going to be able to save his life any time soon. Tomoya wishes he was better at planning ahead. He's already fought monsters, already fought people, and honestly, he should know better than this.
But he doesn't.
He checks his watch again, nervous, and out of the corner of his eye he sees a flash of military green and four wheels and hears a splash loud enough to wake the dead.
He's frozen for a moment, standing there and staring at the mess in the lake. Tomoya almost doesn't believe it's happening. But then suddenly there are bubbles.
It could be a hallucination, he tells himself. It could be the village trying to draw him in.
Tomoya is stupid and naive and he runs to the edge of the lake anyway.
His jacket is dropped and the cold air hits him, chills running up his spine. He knows he shouldn't. If Ohno turns up, then he's going to be sore over the fact that Tomoya missed their meeting again--if he turns up. The joke here is that for once, Tomoya will have actually come to the meeting place. But he decides: screw Ohno, he has better things to do.
The water is cold in a bitter way when he dives in, and he's certain that it's going to swallow him up into pure darkness and make him gag. Instead, however, it's cold and wet just like normal water, and through blurred vision he can see the car sinking. It frightens him just a bit because he isn't a professional swimmer or anything, and he hasn't ever actually saved someone's life before, but he pumps himself up and urges himself to reach the car door.
The idiot has his windows rolled down all the way, and as Tomoya peers in he can see that the man looks roughly his age. Dark hair, black jacket, deep violet shirt--he's sure this guy uses a lot of hair product. Tomoya doesn't register anyone else in the vehicle, but he can't tell for sure, what with the fact that he's trying to save a guy from dying and all.
Tomoya reaches his arm out, his oxygen supply failing him and a familiar burn starting in his lungs, but the man in the driver's seat looks like he's already passed out, and Tomoya knows he's drowning. He grabs his sleeve and struggles to pull the man out of the sinking car, kicks as hard as he can to reach the surface and suck up some oxygen--
--and makes it, gasping, his tongue tasting the frigidity of the world around him. He drags the other man, his muscles aching, and he makes his way to shore, pulling the other man up with him and rolling him onto his back.
He's not breathing.
"Ah."
Tomoya thinks as quickly as he can and tries to recall what he learned of CPR, and he curses in his head as he keeps the man's head tilted back just so, his fingers quickly measuring from his chest down to his ribs. He has to do it perfectly. He has to do it perfectly.
He breathes into the other man and works on the compressions, and he hopes he isn't breaking his bones. Tomoya goes and goes and when he leans down for the nth time and hears the stranger coughing, he quickly jerks back to give him space.
The man's spitting out water and coughing hard, and he turns onto his side and curls in on himself.
"Hey," Tomoya starts, his voice failing him and cracking. His hand finds the shoulder of the man's dark jacket. "Are you all right?"
"Anii?" the other man groans weakly, and Tomoya files it away as some incoherent, stupid mumbling.
Then suddenly it hits him. He'd been certain that the man had been alone. But could there have been someone else in there with him? Panic fills Tomoya as he looks back at the lake, and then back down to the man who's made himself comfortable in fetal position. "Oi. Was there some other guy in there with you?" he asks, shaking the man's shoulder as gently as he can.
This seems to trigger something as the man's eyes widen, and a harsh 'Anii?!' rasps out of him as he jerks up sharply. His eyes find Tomoya's and he glares hard, his shoulder quickly moved away from beneath Tomoya's hand. "What the hell did you do?"
"I pulled your stupid ass out of your sinking car," Tomoya answers simply, growing a little bit frustrated at the man's refusal to cooperate. "Now is there someone else in there I gotta save?"
Though the man's eyes are shifty and refusing to meet Tomoya's gaze, his head tilts back and he whispers a soft 'no'.
Tomoya tries not to sigh in relief.
"C'mon," he says then. "My car's a little ways away from the village. Can ya walk?"
The man doesn't answer, so Tomoya decides that no arguing means agreeing. The walk, in fairness, isn't bad, and Tomoya reluctantly gives up his dry jacket for the other man, who eagerly takes it around his shoulders. There's something about him that seems haunted, but Tomoya isn't surprised about that. This village is what it is, and there's probably a hell of a lot more to this guy that Tomoya doesn't know. Doesn't want to know.
The man sits soaking wet in the back seat of his car and Tomoya tries to think of what to do.
He doesn't want to go to the police, even though he knows he should. Logically speaking. Of course, thinking of the police leads him to thinknig briefly of Taichi, and he winces, and thinks that he doesn't need police from within the village or nearby. Hell, Tomoya doesn't want anyone who lives near this area to even know that he'd been around.
So much for Ohno, again. Tomoya really hopes that he'll be able to live without the information the guy had.
"Hey, uh." Good way to start, Tomoya. He swallows and regards the other guy through the rearview mirror. "Hate to break it to ya, but I don't have any clothes. I mean--I can take you to my place, but it's a few hours out there. You got a place I can take ya?"
The man shakes his head.
All right. Homeless man. At least he didn't smell homeless. Or like blood. "A'ight. My place. Uh--" Tomoya rubs the back of his neck with one hand, the other on the wheel still. "Yo, I'm Nagase. You?"
The other man doesn't try to hold out his hand, nor does he look back up the rearview mirror. Instead he's looking out the window, his fingers tapping a rhythm softly against the glass, and his eyes are lightly glazed over.
"Matsuoka," he mutters softly.
On the long drive back home, Tomoya tries to think of a big word: possibilities. For example, who is this 'anii'? And why was Matsuoka trying to drive into a lake?
In one aspect, it could very well be an accident, but that's Tomoya's optimism trying to butt its way in. This village, after all, does things, and Tomoya knows that when it comes to occurrences within it or around it, nothing is just as simple as an accident. Even when Tomoya had come here ages ago and his car had crashed, it was because the chief of that place wanted him in. Taking that into account, either something had forced Matsuoka off the road, or...
He can't really sugar coat it.
Or he tried to kill himself.
Tomoya doesn't know how smart an idea it is to bring a stranger home, but he's not really known for being smart. Of course, he has a little girl he's raising, but he doesn't know what else it is he can do to help this guy. The last time he'd dealt with the police had been when Liv was just a little girl, when a member of the village cult tried to take her away.
Naturally, Tomoya hadn't let it happen. And luckily, the investigations had ruled out his case as self-defence.
Still, he doesn't want the police to see him again. The Cult is careful. More importantly, the Cult is smart.
Tomoya's worked his ass off to outsmart them as far as he has now. He has to avoid them above all costs, even if disregarding the law is a part of that choice.
"So, uh..." he starts stupidly, hoping to pique Matsuoka's interest somehow. Or to at least hear his voice so he can be sure the guy isn't fucking dead. "What were you doing? Back there, I mean. At the village."
Matsuoka continues to stare out the window, and Tomoya swears he hasn't moved an inch ever since they'd left in the first place.
"I was looking for my anii."
There we go. "Did you find him?"
There's a long pause. Then Matsuoka finally turns his head, staring at the back of Tomoya's seat blankly. "He's dead."
Almost immediately, Tomoya's fingers curl tightly around the steering wheel, and like clockwork he thinks of his own dead wife. Of Ayu--
"Christ, I'm sorry," he blurts out. "I'm really sorry..."
He can't help but repeat himself. Tomoya is sorry. With this he can't really say Matsuoka is crazy for driving off the lake--not if his anii had been the only one he had left. It was likely too much to deal with the fact that someone he loved was dead, taken by that horrible place.
Tomoya had been lucky, at least. After he'd fought and lived in there, he got himself a daughter. And he isn't alone.
Christ. What if Matsuoka is alone?
It's that that has Tomoya making up his mind, even though he knows he should be smarter than this, even though he knows he should be on his guard at all times.
He offers Matsuoka the chance to stay at his place for an indefinite amount of time.
Matsuoka just shrugs in response, but he doesn't say no. Just takes the dry clothes, says 'no' to dinner, and stays by the couch, mostly. Tomoya doesn't like looking at him, doesn't like the way Matsuoka stares at the television set and the bright lights reflect in his eyes as he looks but doesn't watch.
It's not that hard to make up an excuse for Liv to believe Matsuoka isn't a bad guy. Tomoya just tells her that he's having a friend over for a sleepover, and Liv's had enough sleepovers with her own friends to have her eyes going bright at the idea of it. There aren't any late night films to watch or sleeping bags or anything fun and girly about it the way Liv thinks sleepovers usually are, but she takes it in stride. Even though Tomoya thinks fun things like sleeping bags might have made the situation easier to bear.
There is no fun. There is no Barbie animated film. All there is are two sad men and a little girl who doesn't know any better.
Tomoya offers his bedroom, but Matsuoka says no. Instead, he curls up on his couch, his face turned away from the room, and Tomoya assumes that he's passed out already. From here, it takes Tomoya two minutes to get a nice comforter from his own bed to put on top of the other man before he heads along to tuck Liv in for the night.
Tomoya tries his best to stay up so he can work, but he finds that he can't. Not after a day like today.
Even after the Hell he went through in that village so many years ago, and after being attacked by a cult member even more recently in his own home, Tomoya still finds himself capable of giving trust to other people.
Mostly, it's because he needs hope in his life. Sometimes it's just simple confidence in other people. Optimism, or whatever the kids call it these days. Of course, he doesn't have a clue about what Matsuoka thinks, but Tomoya understands where he's coming from: something awful happened in that village, and the man needs some time to accept it. It's going to take patience. It's going to take time. But at the very least, Matsuoka won't have to deal with it alone.
Still. Tomoya should've kept his guard up even while asleep.
He's not in a deep sleep or anything. He's exhausted, and he isn't dressed properly for anything like this. Though he's flung his jacket elsewhere and kicked his shoes into some corner, he's still wearing his jeans and his shirt's still on his body. At most, Tomoya is dozing. He's half-asleep, and he's tired enough not to care very much about the way he feels something fleetingly brush by the side of his face. For all he knows, it could just be a dream. And it probably is.
But then the pressure on the bed hits him like a freight train. The mattress is shifting at some random, additional weight, and this is when Tomoya tells himself to open his eyes.
There are knees pressing into his thighs and he can't move his legs.
There's breath against his neck, travelling up his ear, a soft murmur hanging on the wind.
"Anii."
Tomoya can't really think it to be anyone else. Matsuoka is looming over him. Tomoya opens his mouth to tell him something, but instead finds himself letting out a yelp as the pillow under his head is pulled away. Without much delay it's pressed over his face, tight enough to take away any chance he has of breathing.
He panics. Instantly.
Kicking is impossible, however. Matsuoka has his legs pinned down, and when Tomoya tries to reach his arms up to pull the pillow off his face, the pillow only presses tighter against him. He gasps against the suffocation, writhing and moving as much as he can against the pressure, but it doesn't make Matsuoka move very much in return. In fact, it feels like he's pressing even harder, which Tomoya doesn't even think is possible right now.
He can't breathe. There isn't any air coming in. His lungs are burning and desperation sinks into his bones as he tries to gasp for air and fails. Even though he knows he's needed a new pillow for the longest time, he only notices it now. In the middle of him begging and trying for air, he sucks a feather into his mouth and chokes on it.
His hands flail and move in the air until his fingers finally find the front of Matsuoka's shirt and curl in. His other hand forms a fist and he punches the side of Matsuoka's face, and the grip on the pillow is released. Tomoya wastes no time in shoving Matsuoka off the bed, twisting and coughing out the feather from his mouth while he tries to gasp for air. Time seems to skew; it takes him too long to catch his breath, because he can hear Matsuoka getting back onto his feet, and he can feel the man's fingers dragging into Tomoya's scalp and pulling him out of bed.
Tomoya's feet drag across the floor as he's pulled, his scalp beginning to sting. He kicks and struggles blindly, but the grip not once releases. "Matsuoka!" he shouts, but his breath fails him and his voice is hoarse, and Matsuoka either doesn't hear him or finds himself incapable of caring. He shoves Tomoya by the head, a yelp escaping him as he stumbles against his desk, banging his knees and shins hard enough against the wood to bruise them. Matsuoka's hands curl around his wrists and from behind, he shoves Tomoya against the desk, pinning him face-down.
Somehow, the first thought in Tomoya's head is well, at least I can still breathe.
"Matsuoka," he tries again, his voice struggling to remain steady and calm. Patience. He has to be patient. "What... the hell is happening?"
Matsuoka doesn't give him a word in return. All Tomoya gets is heavy breath against his ear, and a shudder as the other man presses against him.
"Matsuoka--"
The sudden movement comes out of nowhere, but it's slow. Tomoya is admittedly aware of how fucking oblivious he can be sometimes, but it's difficult to misinterpret the way that Matsuoka is moving his hips against his backside. It sends a shiver crawling up his spine and his fingers tightening, and Tomoya feels his throat drying almost immediately in response. It's been a long time. It's been a long time since he's had anyone do something so personal to him--
But this. Isn't normal.
"Matsuoka!" Tomoya's shouting at him urgently now, and he convinces himself that he isn't groaning at how Matsuoka starts to grind against him harder. In lightning fast speed its no longer hesitant, no longer slow, and the new pressure Tomoya receives against his body kills him in a completely different way; it bothers him how he might actually like it, just a little. Only a little.
It's just been so long, his mind argues defensively. But then Tomoya knows that this isn't okay. He can't be pinned down like this. He starts to twist under Matsuoka, grunting during the struggle and trying to hold back his own sounds of pleasure as he feels just how hard the other man is against him even through their jeans. Tomoya grits his teeth, hissing out a 'stop' as a warning more than anything, but Matsuoka acts like he can't hear a word Tomoya says.
In sharp retaliation Tomoya's arm twists away from Matsuoka's grip as he slams his elbow into the older man's ribcage. The surprised sound that comes is relieving as Matsuoka's grip slackens, and this opening allows Tomoya to pull away and hit him again across the face. Then he shoves him back, not giving Matsuoka a single shot to rebel against him. Tomoya doesn't like to be rough, but he knows how to defend himself--he pushes Matsuoka back enough into his open closet before slamming the door shut and holding onto the handle with both his hands. Tomoya presses his full weight against the door, and he can't help the wince that escapes him when he feels the man on the other side trying to open it, pushing against the wood to get it open.
"Papa?"
For God's sake, not now. Tomoya winces and tries to ignore the sound of Matsuoka starting to bang against the door. He knows he can't turn to look at Ayu--Liv, but he knows that she's standing right by the door to his bedroom.
"Princess," Tomoya starts, a tired sort of smile on his face. "Not now."
"How come there's banging?" Liv asks, and Tomoya can hear the fear in her voice--can feel it on his own skin. "Is the monster in the closet back?"
"No, no! It's fine. It's fine. Look"--he struggles to keep his voice intact--"why don't you go downstairs and watch some TV? Make it as loud as you want. I'll be down when I can, I promise." He swallows, his eyes closing, and he keeps his voice steady as best he can. "Stay down there, okay?"
He hears Liv's little feet taking her downstairs immediately. Tomoya never lets her stay up late no matter the circumstance, so he imagines the opportunity is a treasure at her age. She's gone and down the stairs, and in only a minute or two he hears the TV blaring about a commercial for Pocky.
Matsuoka slams against the door and it feels like he's used his entire body on that one, and Tomoya holds back his wince. Matsuoka shouts at him angrily, "Open it!"
"How about you just fuck your own hand and fix it like that?" Tomoya says flatly, but he's interrupted by another slam as he moves to try to press back against it. His fingers had nearly slipped on the handle that time, and he pales. "Matsuoka, you piece of shit, what the hell is--"
The slam that follows is powerful enough to throw the door open, making Tomoya stumble back. Fuck, he has enough mind to think before Matsuoka charges for him, grabbing his throat and pushing him down to the floor. Tomoya feels the back of his head slammed against the wood a few times, and pain blooms like a flower.
His head throbs with pain, the grip on his neck tightening and his air cut off once more, and Tomoya goes dizzy. Then he feels lips on his, hot and desperate and unrelenting, and teeth biting him and scraping against him and a warm tongue pressing into his mouth. Tomoya doesn't have the sense of mind to fight back immediately, but when he does try to move under Matsuoka, he feels the hold on his throat tighten and pain blooming anew when his head is slammed against the floor again. The lack of oxygen and the room practically spinning has Tomoya unable to do anything but be breathless under Matsuoka, and even his mind is empty of curse words.
His right hand is crushed underneath Matsuoka's, holding on tightly as he's pinned against the floor. Tomoya can hardly writhe, can't even breathe, and he tries his best to ignore the feeing of a hot mouth against his own. He hasn't been touched like this in what feels like a god damn century--it's been eleven years since his wife died. Fuck. It's been ages.
The hand on his throat lightens up just enough so Tomoya can breathe through his nose, but he can't quite pant with Matsuoka still attacking his mouth. He can't even groan; the sound comes out as more like a whine, and somehow it signals Matsuoka to start going again, because the man's hips press against his own once more. The way he moves is vicious--it's almost angry as he starts to grind up against him, merciless and absolute. And it isn't right, but shit--a good part of Tomoya wants this.
Matsuoka pulls away and Tomoya wheezes for air, but he goes stock still when lips are at his ear and a soft anii is whispered into it.
This is fucked up. All of this--all this violence, all this anger, and Tomoya can feel it in his chest. A pang of pity for him. For Matsuoka who probably drove the car into the lake himself.
Then he hears it again, the name anii breathed out as Matsuoka presses his lips to his neck, his fingers sliding down from his throat and moving to press onto Tomoya's shoulders. He curses in his head again--he has no idea what it is he's supposed to be doing. And at this point, he doesn't think he can shove Matsuoka away, either, because he's fucked up and selfish and he's enjoying it. The attention. The touch. And because he can't push away the feeling that saying no will break Matsuoka into a million tiny pieces. Not that he isn't already broken into a million tiny pieces.
Pain blooms when Tomoya's hips are curled into and the other man just grinds against him, and with Tomoya's free hand he grasps at Matsuoka's arm as his other hand remains crushed beneath the other man's. He can't squirm, he can't move a bit under Matsuoka--the pressure is enough to keep him pinned, but it's got just enough space for Matsuoka to move the way he wants. Tomoya doesn't fight it. And when he feels how hard he himself has gotten in such a short amount of time, he actually allows himself to groan.
He curses when he feels Matsuoka turn him over onto his stomach, his chin smacking against the floor and a hiss escaping him in annoyance. Tomoya forgets this immediately, however, as he feels the other man rocking against his ass just like earlier, shivers crawling up his entire body and his eyes shutting tight.
"Matsuoka," Tomoya manages, his teeth gritting together. As much as he wants this... "I can't--" His eyes snap open as he feels a hand squeeze his backside. "Matsuoka! Ayu's--"
He can't manage another word as Matsuoka doesn't allow him to talk, or at least, Tomoya feels he isn't allowed with the way he starts to move against him. Matsuoka grinds and squeezes him in places that have Tomoya panting and moaning more than he thinks that anyone's ever made him moan. And that right there is just fucked up, he's never done this with a man before, holy fucking Christ.
Matsuoka's hands work the button and zipper to his jeans, and he feels them get folded down and--shit. How much of Matsuoka even realises that Tomoya isn't his fucking anii, as messed up as it is that it seems he's fucked his older brother? Tomoya's teeth grit and shudders follow him when he hears the way Matsuoka's own fastenings are undone.
"Matsuoka," Tomoya tries, his words wrapped around a groan. God fucking damn it, he's not ready for this, but somehow Tomoya's sure that he can't stop at all, either. He tries to shift under Matsuoka's body, but then a grunt escapes him as a hand slams on he back of his head, pushing his face to the floor. "Damn it, Matsuoka--just need to get to my desk!"
The pressure doesn't relieve itself and Tomoya allows himself an annoyed sound. "Second drawer closest you, you fucking tool."
Talk about control issues. Tomoya gives the man an irritated look out of the corner of his eye, but it doesn't seem like Matsuoka's paying much attention. The man's hand moves things around in the drawer until he finds a bottle of oil. Tomoya groans in frustration before talking again. "Further in, dumbass." God, he's still hard. "It's in the back. You get it?"
There are more shuffling sounds. Tomoya can't see very well with the way Matsuoka keeps his head forced down like that, and he curls his fingers into tight fists, trying not to grumble in annoyance until he feels the hands move away from his body.
If Tomoya were smart, he'd take this chance to escape. Logically speaking. Not that anything's ever been logical since he left that fucking village, and this is why Tomoya's sure Matsuoka's just as fucked up as he is. He can't help but feel sorry for him, even though Matsuoka needs some kind of mental help. He just can't say no. Momentarily he's remembered of Joshima, who he refused when he needed him the most. And he thinks of Taichi and shooting him down in self-defence. He even thinks of Nakai, who he allowed to be pulled down into the murky depths of Hell.
Tomoya doesn't think there's any part of him--sane or insane--that could refuse Matsuoka right now, even if it isn't the smartest thing to do. He knows he should signal somehow that this isn't something okay, but he just can't. Just the thought of shoving another human being away for his own well-being sends him back down the trip through Guilt Road.
He's never experimented penetration on himself. Tomoya's never really even considered it. Despite Matsuoka being very well-lubricated, Tomoya can very acutely feel the rubbed of the condom as it burns him. It's not something that he's familiar with, and somehow he can't stop himself from groaning at the slow push of something solid and hot inside of him.
Ayu is downstairs watching TV, and he honestly hopes that she stays there and doesn't hear a damn thing coming from upstairs. Not when he can feel fingers dragging over his stomach and his chest, Matsuoka looming over his back and groaning anii into his ear. Tomoya finally accepts the fact that Matsuoka really is lost in some kind of delusion, aware of the fact that the other man is touching him everywhere but the one part of him that most obviously isn't a woman. He just isn't sure if he feels insulted or if he just pities Matsuoka even more because of it. The touches are overwhelming all the same, however, and Tomoya grits his teeth when he feels Matsuoka jerking harder inside of him.
He is being stretched beyond belief. It's too much to take in and he sort of wants to try and shove Matsuoka away, but he knows better than that. It would damage him.
More importantly, though, a larger part of Tomoya doesn't want this to end. Wants this badly.
And it's only a matter of time until Matsuoka is all the way inside, but somehow Tomoya still feels like it doesn't end and it won't ever. The man moves a little faster, back and forth, inside of him, and it makes Tomoya moan in ways he's never heard himself moan, his teeth finding his wrist to keep from making too much noise.
This is futile, of course. Matsuoka rocks a little harder and hits something inside of him, enough to make Tomoya yelp and gasp in surprise. Fuck, what the hell is that? And holy fucking hell, does Matsuoka have to do it again? Tomoya bites even harder, this time into the meat of his palm, as he tries so desperately not to scream in pleasure at the spot Matsuoka is purposely grinding against.
God damn you.
The same name is groaned, for the most part. Anii anii anii. And Tomoya swears he's going crazy himself when he thinks he hears a Nagase slipped in-between. Just how much of Matsuoka's consciousness is even present?
Lost in this entire hurricane, Tomoya doesn't know who comes first and who comes last. All he can tell is that at some point he feels himself going tense and then suddenly overwhelmingly relieved, and that Matsuoka doesn't stop fucking him until he's completely done.
For a long while there's a disturbing silence between them both aside from the pants for breath they both beg for. Tomoya rests his forehead against the floor, part him still unable to believe what it is he's just let Matsuoka do to him. Somehow, though, he doesn't think he regrets it. And that might be the scariest part of all.
Matsuoka pulls out and it's almost a little painful, even though Tomoya's experienced worse. The physical pains he felt from that damn excursion through the village are almost completely forgotten. But the mental ones scarred him most, regardless.
He feels his shoulders grabbed as he's turned over, and a curse escapes him as his head is slammed against the floor. A wince follows as his back touches the wet spot he left on the floor, and his shirt soaks it all up. It's filthy and it's awful but Tomoya still sort of likes it. He looks up at Matsuoka who looks bewildered, like he's not entirely sure what just happened.
"Anii?" he attempts. Tomoya winces.
"No."
The man's fingers start to touch his face, as if it's going to help Matsuoka figure out whether or not this is his dead anii or not. Like looking at Tomoya isn't enough. Like just having fucked him seven ways to Sunday hadn't been enough to tell him that this person beneath him isn't even a woman.
Absently, still with wide brown eyes, Matsuoka asks, "Who's Ayu?"
"What?" Tomoya replies, shaky, his stomach sinking and his head repeating the word shit.
"You said 'Ayu'."
Christ.
"Did I?" Tomoya asks, like that's the smartest thing to say. God damn it. Did he say 'Ayu'? It's supposed to be 'Liv'. They're hiding from some insane fucking cult and he said Ayu and not Liv and it's not like he really knows what Matsuoka is up to, and what if he's part of the cult, what if he tells them, does he know they exist?
Matsuoka's fingers touch his face and hair in a manner that's almost gentle. "Yeah." And the way the man touches him has Tomoya feeling like if Matsuoka had been so kind earlier, he might have allowed the whole thing even quicker.
"It's just an old memory," Tomoya whispers, and it should be enough. It must be, because Matsuoka doesn't ask any more. After all, there's something bigger than Tomoya mentioning Ayu--there's realisation dawning on Matsuoka's face, his eyes going even wider as he touches Tomoya's face. Something is going horribly wrong, and Tomoya feels the man's fingers trembling before Matsuoka just collapses atop him. Tomoya groans in discomfort, his backside hurting enough without the extra weight. But he can't say a thing because Matsuoka is sobbing into his shoulder and wailing anii against him.
For God's sake. Tomoya winces and manages to sit up until he finds the desk to prop himself up against, and he awkwardly places his arm around the other man's shoulders. He definitely can't shake Matsuoka off. Not like this.
"Morning, Liv." Tomoya doesn't even hide how exhausted he sounds when he moves from upstairs, but he does his best to keep himself as composed as he can. The TV is loud as hell and his ears hurt, but he doesn't tell Liv to turn it down. The little girl gets on her knees while sitting on the couch, looking at him worriedly.
"Papa, you're walking funny."
God damn, did she really have to--but then, it's not like Liv really knows any better.
"I'm fine," Tomoya says. "Papa just walked into his desk like a dummy."
He doesn't wince when Liv gets off the couch and hugs him tight. He's far more exhausted than he thinks he's ever been in a long time, but he doesn't nudge her off. In fact, Tomoya holds onto her.
"Were you scared?" Tomoya whispers softly.
"Just a little," Liv says, smiling at him. "What did you do?"
"Moved stuff around in my room. Look... get yourself to bed now, all right?"
"Okay!" Liv smiles. "Night, Papa." She doesn't even question it. She doesn't doubt the words that Tomoya's giving her. Liv just toddles over right to her bedroom and Tomoya gropes at the couch until he finds the remote to turn off the television.
Many times after leaving that village, he's hoped that he's escaped it. But it seems to chase after him. Other people. And once it's touched something, it will never leave it, as if having forever tainted anything and everything. He and Matsuoka are probably living proof of just that.
He closes his eyes and sighs. Tomoya's given up his bed for Matsuoka and he hopes that it's the smart decision, because he doesn't have any energy at all to try climbing back upstairs at all. He crawls onto the couch, careful, and curls up on his side.
What a night.
When Tomoya wakes up, it's way too early. The sun isn't even really shining. His eyelids are heavy, his body hurts--his ass more than anything else--and he thinks he should really just sleep the entire day away and turn his brain off. He knows he can't though. He thinks of Hell, going back and forth, Matsuoka, and a man he doesn't know beyond the nickname 'anii'.
Whatever happened, it hurts Matsuoka and it drags him under. Tomoya has the feeling that he's much too helpless to be able to help Matsuoka substantially, and that Matsuoka will gladly immerse himself in his own misery and delusion. Like before, Tomoya is too fucking helpless to make a difference.
Damn.
He gets up and he winces, and he can't quite get up off the couch. He has to make coffee and breakfast. He's not even on his second mug when he hears footsteps much too heavy to belong to an eleven year old girl approaching the kitchen, and for a moment, he tenses--and remembers then that it's Matsuoka. Of course, that stresses him out, too, but it could be worse.
Matsuoka stands at the doorway to the kitchen, wearing the clothes he was in yesterday when he drove into the lake. He's ruffled and he could use more rest, but Tomoya has the feeling that isn't going to happen. The way Matsuoka is looking at him doesn't really suggest the same kind of odd behaviour he'd had since Tomoya tugged him out of the lake, at least. There's more than being lost, now. There's guilt there, and Tomoya feels personally responsible. Maybe he should've stopped him. Shoved him away. Maybe he should have hit him had and knocked him aside and beat him up for doing the wrong things. But he didn't have the willpower. He had tons of chances, but he didn't have the courage.
"Leaving, huh?" Tomoya says awkwardly.
"I thought you'd want me to," Matsuoka replies with a frown.
"I'm not bothered." Tomoya isn't sure if that's the truth, though.
"Then I want to." Matsuoka frowns. "What I did to you--" Tomoya cuts him off with an "I could have stopped you." His voice is sharp. More than he means for it to be, really. "I could have, but I didn't. All right?"
Matsuoka comes closer to him, but somehow it isn't threatening like it had been the night before. This time, Matsuoka isn't carrying the weight of delusion with him. "Fine," he concedes, "but I'm not staying. I just..."
"I can't help you," Tomoya says, even though it bothers him.
Matsuoka half-smiles, half-winces. "No," he agrees. "It'd be great if I could blink and this would all disappear. Magic for darkness."
Tomoya agrees. But he doesn't say it out loud.
"Oi, Tomoya."
He lifts his head, surprised to hear his first name. It's sudden, to switch from respectful tones to sudden first name bases, but it's not particularly unpleasant. Not in comparison to the way he'd heard his last name spat out the night before. Matsuoka's voice is hesitant and unsure, and Tomoya has some feeling that maybe this is more like the Matsuoka that had existed before his life went to shit.
The kiss that follows is slow, but it's still hot when he can taste the other man's mouth on his own, and the way he feels Matsuoka's tongue lick at the insides of his teeth and his gums. Tomoya shivers, and it reminds him all too acutely of too much. But then Matsuoka is gone, and his hand is cupping the side of his face as he looks at him.
"Thanks," he breathes, "for trying to help me out."
And then he walks out and disappears.
Tomoya feels a headache creeping in, and he holds said head in his hands. Then the pain comes to him, hitting him right in the temples almost painfully. He hates this. He hates his helplessness. It has him wondering if he can keep raising Liv, if he can take care of her, protect her--and why is it so hard? Why is it so easy? Why can't he do it for anyone else who's ever needed him?
The offer had never been closed, Tomoya argues.
If Matsuoka ever turns around, it'll still be there. He can still stay...
But it might as well have been closed, Tomoya knows, and there's no chance. Matsuoka has left him and all that's left is Tomoya and a cooling cup of coffee, and even that is too much to bear.