(no subject)

[a_long_farewell]

Mushrooms and jelly really freak me out. I had the best dream last night and I don't remember what it was about. I just remember waking up and feeling like I had slept for 2000 hours, refreshed, and happy. I had an exploration of Queens today and I enjoyed it. I subwayed and bused all around. I felt independent and strong. I love accomplishing challenges, yet I hate competition. I get nervous...especially with people. One of the worst feelings is insecurity, and the feeling that you are competing for someone. When I feel like that I usually act distant and fade. I guess its a defense mechanism to save myself from getting hurt and rejection, yet it fucks me up a lot. I think of all the chances that I might have passed up if I kept pressing on. The one thing that I wish I could do, is to be able to approach random people who I find interesting. I think of all the people that could have influenced my life if I wasn't such a cowardly bastd. It horrifies me. Well, I'm pretty much set on the idea of going to London next summer for school. I'm going to start saving my money up. Living out on my own, seeing the world, visiting France, Ireland, and all the other wonderful places in Europe. I think back to high school and it scares me to see how much I have grown. It scares me to think of the person I was and how immature and stupid I was. How was I ever that person? I can't wait for Tegan and Sara ont he 14th and Sirens on the 16th. Orientation for Oneonta is on the 17th and 18th. I'm excited for that too. I think of all the new awesome people that I am going to meet next year and I can't help but smile. I really hope it works out for me. I love Pinback. I've been starting to feel more confident about myself, and it feels awesome. All I can do is express what is in my heart and if people don't accept it then it is not my fault and something that I shouldn't have to worry about, yet I always feel a little bit sadness and regret. I love how I have grown to be able to express myself this year. Words are coming a lot easier recently.

Goal number 1: Read more intellectual books
Goal number 2: Tape record self when experiencing philosophical moments.
Goal number 3: Exhance my vocabulary 10 fold.
Goal number 4: Explore and find more music
Goal number 5: Save for London.
Goal number 6: Buy a new violin and practice.
Goal number 7: Get back on track and go to the gym everyday again.
Goal number 8: No more late night snacks.
Goal number 9: Buy more clothes and accessories.

Steve makes me happy.

StarzMayFade: i really miss you a lot too
StarzMayFade: seriously, our personailties just click
iLikeMyBros: yeah i know
iLikeMyBros: i always feel really good whenever we hang out
StarzMayFade: its really weird cause you are probably the only person who i can act entirely myself around
iLikeMyBros: i know me too, even if i do something or say something stupid, i dont care
StarzMayFade: :-)