(no subject)
*puts Moses down for his afternoon nap and realizes that she has the house completely to herself*
*looks for a book to read but can't concentrate on anything for longer then a page*
*can't check her email because she spilled a glass of wine on her keyboard the other night after Googling her name*
*refuses to become one of those horrid people who turns on the television just because they are bored*
*turns it on anyway and becomes completely engrossed in an afternoon talk show about men having to take paternity tests*
*finally manages to pull herself away during a break, turns the TV off and picks up her phone*
Voicemail left on Will's phone:
Will? It's Gwyn. I was just calling to congratulate you on having the number one movie this past weekend. You must tell me what that feels like. I'm a bit scared to go see it as I don't understand anything about race car driving or beer or Southern people. Do you think I'll still find it funny? I miss you, darling. My neck was stiff the other day and I actually had to go to a masseuse to get it taken care of. Please call me when you have a moment.
Voicemail left on Jen's (Aniston) phone:
Hello there, Ms. Perfect Legs. Maybe I should have stuck with dogs instead of children. The tabloids that the nannies keep leaving around the house tell me that you're getting married. Or that you're single. I'm confused, dear. I don't know whether to go out and buy you china or a stiff drink. Do call when you have a moment. Madge is on tour and all Stella wants to do is laugh about her stepmother's downfall. I need a sane girlfriend to talk to.
Voicemail left on Ricky's phone:
Mr.Gervais? Ricky? It's Gwyn. Gwyneth Paltrow. Ummm...this is a very strange message to leave but I accidentlly opened Chris's cellphone bill last night thinking it was mine. I noticed that he's called you almost every day this past month. If he's been bothering you then I do apologize and on the off chance that you've become friends then bravo. I'm glad he's finally found a friend I don't mind inviting over for dinner. Please call me when you get this.
Voicemail left on Lindsay's phone:
Ms.Lohan? This is Gwyneth Paltrow. I hope you don't mind me calling you. I know we don't know each other very well. I got your phone number from my friend Maya Rudolph who got it from Tina Fey. I just wanted to let you know that I think you have the potential to be a great and respected actress. You just need a little guidance. And better taste in men. If you're ever in London or New York when I am then we should do lunch. I could introduce you to my yoga instructor. It's all about replacing one addiction with another.
Voicemail left on Orlando's phone:
Darling, it's Gwyn. I...I'm not exactly sure why I'm calling you. I suppose I just wanted to say hello. Ummm...hello! Congrats on the big summer movie and all that. I hope you're finding time to relax. Maybe get a nice tan or work out some. Not that you need to do either. I mean not that I've noticed whether you need to do either. Okay. I'm going to hang up now. Feel free to call when you can. Or not. I'm sure you're busy. Goodbye. Have a lovely day. It was nice...ummm...not speaking to you.
Voicemail left on Colin's phone:
Hello you. I'm having the dullest afternoon possible. No one seems to be home. I hope you're out enjoying yourself. We should do lunch soon. You and Hugh and me and...well me. Some wine, some of those tiny sandwiches I know that Hugh loves and the three of us just enjoying each other. *long pause* I just made one of those entendres I always seem to make in front of you, didn't I? I should go before I accidentlly use the word threesome. Ta, darling.
Voicemail left on Jennifer's (Lopez) phone:
Jennifer, it's Gwyn. I'm calling on behalf of Stella. She's misplaced your phone number but wanted to make sure that you saw the latest pictures of the step-bitch being questioned by police. Those were her words not mine. If you have her number please give her a call, if not call me and I can reconnect the two of you.
Voicemail left on Jack's phone:
Bored. Call me. I miss you. One could almost say I pine for you. Don't make a pathetic woman of me.
*looks for a book to read but can't concentrate on anything for longer then a page*
*can't check her email because she spilled a glass of wine on her keyboard the other night after Googling her name*
*refuses to become one of those horrid people who turns on the television just because they are bored*
*turns it on anyway and becomes completely engrossed in an afternoon talk show about men having to take paternity tests*
*finally manages to pull herself away during a break, turns the TV off and picks up her phone*
Voicemail left on Will's phone:
Will? It's Gwyn. I was just calling to congratulate you on having the number one movie this past weekend. You must tell me what that feels like. I'm a bit scared to go see it as I don't understand anything about race car driving or beer or Southern people. Do you think I'll still find it funny? I miss you, darling. My neck was stiff the other day and I actually had to go to a masseuse to get it taken care of. Please call me when you have a moment.
Voicemail left on Jen's (Aniston) phone:
Hello there, Ms. Perfect Legs. Maybe I should have stuck with dogs instead of children. The tabloids that the nannies keep leaving around the house tell me that you're getting married. Or that you're single. I'm confused, dear. I don't know whether to go out and buy you china or a stiff drink. Do call when you have a moment. Madge is on tour and all Stella wants to do is laugh about her stepmother's downfall. I need a sane girlfriend to talk to.
Voicemail left on Ricky's phone:
Mr.Gervais? Ricky? It's Gwyn. Gwyneth Paltrow. Ummm...this is a very strange message to leave but I accidentlly opened Chris's cellphone bill last night thinking it was mine. I noticed that he's called you almost every day this past month. If he's been bothering you then I do apologize and on the off chance that you've become friends then bravo. I'm glad he's finally found a friend I don't mind inviting over for dinner. Please call me when you get this.
Voicemail left on Lindsay's phone:
Ms.Lohan? This is Gwyneth Paltrow. I hope you don't mind me calling you. I know we don't know each other very well. I got your phone number from my friend Maya Rudolph who got it from Tina Fey. I just wanted to let you know that I think you have the potential to be a great and respected actress. You just need a little guidance. And better taste in men. If you're ever in London or New York when I am then we should do lunch. I could introduce you to my yoga instructor. It's all about replacing one addiction with another.
Voicemail left on Orlando's phone:
Darling, it's Gwyn. I...I'm not exactly sure why I'm calling you. I suppose I just wanted to say hello. Ummm...hello! Congrats on the big summer movie and all that. I hope you're finding time to relax. Maybe get a nice tan or work out some. Not that you need to do either. I mean not that I've noticed whether you need to do either. Okay. I'm going to hang up now. Feel free to call when you can. Or not. I'm sure you're busy. Goodbye. Have a lovely day. It was nice...ummm...not speaking to you.
Voicemail left on Colin's phone:
Hello you. I'm having the dullest afternoon possible. No one seems to be home. I hope you're out enjoying yourself. We should do lunch soon. You and Hugh and me and...well me. Some wine, some of those tiny sandwiches I know that Hugh loves and the three of us just enjoying each other. *long pause* I just made one of those entendres I always seem to make in front of you, didn't I? I should go before I accidentlly use the word threesome. Ta, darling.
Voicemail left on Jennifer's (Lopez) phone:
Jennifer, it's Gwyn. I'm calling on behalf of Stella. She's misplaced your phone number but wanted to make sure that you saw the latest pictures of the step-bitch being questioned by police. Those were her words not mine. If you have her number please give her a call, if not call me and I can reconnect the two of you.
Voicemail left on Jack's phone:
Bored. Call me. I miss you. One could almost say I pine for you. Don't make a pathetic woman of me.