Let me set things straight.

[scarycarrey]

THINGS I HAVE BEEN CALLED IN THE PAST 4 MONTHS:

Poon Hound. This is ridiculous, as I have never hunted for poon, nor do I have a nose adequate for smelling it from miles off.

Ass Grabber. Ok, so I like to grab-ass, but it's all in fun. What man on this earth doesn't enjoy the suishy flesh of a woman's ass oozing between his fingers? YOU TELL ME WHO DOESN'T AND I SHALL STOP. (Sorry, Barbara...that was uncalled for. But you do have a nice ass.)

Pervert. Look...I am a man. I like women. I like their breasts, and I like to touch them. I like looking at them. Just because I poke them, make a point to mention how round they are in public, or stare obnoxiously at them, DOES NOT MAKE ME A PERVERT. I AM A COMEDIAN.

HUGE pervert. Well, I am tall. See above.

Womanizer. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. A-ha. Ha. That's just...flattering, A. And untrue, B.

Disgusting asshole. Thank you!

Jenny McCarthy's boy toy. Well, I heard that if you believe something hard enough, it comes true. Thanks, Science! You really came through for me on that one. Oh shit, I said that out loud. Um...*clears throat* Don't tell J-Lo. If you're reading this baby, it's all lies, ok? I wasn't french-kissing Jenny McCarthy in my car for hours. We aren't dating, ok? You're the one I love, right? Oh, by the way...how's MARC DOING?!

So if any of you have unpleasant nick-names for me, feel free to post them below. I'm just DYING to hear them.