possibly one of the longest entries i've ever written...
so, today was good. went to school...i've aced all of my math for the year. that's swell. then we got Alex's haircut:) i think it's cute. if you weren't a babe before...dayam! i love your mom. she's cute and i see hope for her. good stuff. birthday's coming. hoping it won't suck after what went on today(see link below). but i mean, everything's good. as long as we're good, life is good♥te amo.
i guess i'm just not good enough for my mom. she expects a lot out of me. and she thinks that i'm a very open person and that my life is for everyone to know about...i don't want strangers at the store to hear about how great i am because my mom bullshits my life to make herself look like the world's best mother. that's what makes me feel not good enough. she can't be proud that i'm an ok student and i play my music for me and as personable as i may be to people, i'd rather keep to myself.
i need my uncle's e-mail so that i can explain some things. i can't have one normal day with her. and dad doesn't want to hear it anymore...from anyone. and appantly it's my fault we don't get along and i'm not trying hard enough. i can't help it if she's an over-emotional psycho bitch. i'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but i'm the one she takes everything out on everyday. i'm the one she decides to give the silent treatment to for something i didn't do or she takes the wrong way without explaination. this all sucks. and in the end she makes me feel bad, because she gets off on the fact that i'm miserable. i almost feel like she's trying to get back at life for having a shitty one. but instead she doesn't think before she says or does things. at least in every fight we've had this past week i've had a valid point. it's her that decides to take things personally and to a great extent of self-pitty and depression.
now, i know why she wants me to play and sing for the family on my birthday/Thanksgiving. but if she can't understand that i don't want to, due to being shy about playing and singing, then i'm sorry. it's not fair to me to be put in a nervous situation and perform with things that don't come from the heart. if i'm going to play...i want it to be on my heart so i don't look like an ass. and why doesn't she understand that yes, I AM going to play for my amazing uncle...i just don't need the pressure about what song i have to play for the family because she wants to prove that all the things she's said about me are true. she can't just keep getting people's hopes up about how "amazing" and "soulful" i play my music. and to say that i only play Christian music? that's just taking things a little far. i play for me and for who i want to hear. and yes, maybe i will play for the family...i just don't need her breathing down my neck everyday about it. if i haven't played for my own parents in a year or two...then why the hell would i play for a group of senior citizens who don't understand the meaning behind the music and why i play it? they always ask "can you play and blahblahblah?" "well, blahblahblah does that song great!" they just don't get it. and i just don't want to play for a bunch of people who in the end don't really give a damn about my music. i only play for 3 people. myself, Alex and Jesus. nobody else needs to hear. i don't know what's wrong with her. the thing that bothers me the most is how she's starting to show her true colors in front of you. i'm sorry. you shouldn't have to be in the most awkward of positions around here. i try to avoid that for you, but nothing's working.
it just seems like once everything with us is perfect and Godly, things around here start going downhill. and even if that was the case, i'm happier being happy with us. i've only known my mom for 2 years...and i'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. you're everything to me and you're the only thing that gets me threw my day. thank you. please pray that one of us doesn't get hurt...because this has gotten violent before. te adoro♥
i guess i'm just not good enough for my mom. she expects a lot out of me. and she thinks that i'm a very open person and that my life is for everyone to know about...i don't want strangers at the store to hear about how great i am because my mom bullshits my life to make herself look like the world's best mother. that's what makes me feel not good enough. she can't be proud that i'm an ok student and i play my music for me and as personable as i may be to people, i'd rather keep to myself.
i need my uncle's e-mail so that i can explain some things. i can't have one normal day with her. and dad doesn't want to hear it anymore...from anyone. and appantly it's my fault we don't get along and i'm not trying hard enough. i can't help it if she's an over-emotional psycho bitch. i'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but i'm the one she takes everything out on everyday. i'm the one she decides to give the silent treatment to for something i didn't do or she takes the wrong way without explaination. this all sucks. and in the end she makes me feel bad, because she gets off on the fact that i'm miserable. i almost feel like she's trying to get back at life for having a shitty one. but instead she doesn't think before she says or does things. at least in every fight we've had this past week i've had a valid point. it's her that decides to take things personally and to a great extent of self-pitty and depression.
now, i know why she wants me to play and sing for the family on my birthday/Thanksgiving. but if she can't understand that i don't want to, due to being shy about playing and singing, then i'm sorry. it's not fair to me to be put in a nervous situation and perform with things that don't come from the heart. if i'm going to play...i want it to be on my heart so i don't look like an ass. and why doesn't she understand that yes, I AM going to play for my amazing uncle...i just don't need the pressure about what song i have to play for the family because she wants to prove that all the things she's said about me are true. she can't just keep getting people's hopes up about how "amazing" and "soulful" i play my music. and to say that i only play Christian music? that's just taking things a little far. i play for me and for who i want to hear. and yes, maybe i will play for the family...i just don't need her breathing down my neck everyday about it. if i haven't played for my own parents in a year or two...then why the hell would i play for a group of senior citizens who don't understand the meaning behind the music and why i play it? they always ask "can you play and blahblahblah?" "well, blahblahblah does that song great!" they just don't get it. and i just don't want to play for a bunch of people who in the end don't really give a damn about my music. i only play for 3 people. myself, Alex and Jesus. nobody else needs to hear. i don't know what's wrong with her. the thing that bothers me the most is how she's starting to show her true colors in front of you. i'm sorry. you shouldn't have to be in the most awkward of positions around here. i try to avoid that for you, but nothing's working.
it just seems like once everything with us is perfect and Godly, things around here start going downhill. and even if that was the case, i'm happier being happy with us. i've only known my mom for 2 years...and i'm going to spend the rest of my life with you. you're everything to me and you're the only thing that gets me threw my day. thank you. please pray that one of us doesn't get hurt...because this has gotten violent before. te adoro♥