[Fic] "A Collection of Scars"
Title: A Collection of Scars
Author: a_lifestyle
Fandom: Naruto (Kakasaku)
Rating: PG (Angst.)
Words: 7,001
Summary:
A/N: LJ's being crazy right now and I have to do the HTML by hand, so this took me about fourteen years to format correctly. Talk about panic attack. ;_____;
Anyway. It's not as romance-centric, and it's a little on the long side, but I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you so, so, so much for helping me make it to the third round of the Poe Challenge on the kakasaku Community. The prompt was "Only This, and Nothing More."
It is also available for you to read on ff.net!
A Collection of Scars
"Hokage-sama," came Shizune's voice from behind the door.
The sun was setting, beautiful ribbons of pink and orange weaving through the sky and disappearing over the horizon. Konoha was famous for its vivid sunsets, and the view from the Hokage's tower was breathtaking.
Sakura had other things on her mind than gazing off into sunsets. She remained still, eyes scanning over the mission reports on her desk. The deaths of four ANBU, this month alone, stared her in the face. She'd been looking at the report for nearly an hour before Shizune's quiet, but familiar knock snapped her out of her guilt.
"Yes, Shizune," Sakura said, voice dripping with exhaustion. "Come in."
Shizune stepped in quietly, rubbing her shoulder with the ball of her hand. "I'm going to retire--no more surgeries today. Do you need me to call for an escort back to your quarters?"
Sakura sat back in her chair, curling her fingers around the wood grain. "No, I'm fine, Shizune. "Thank you."
"Do you need a cup of tea?" Shizune offered.
"No, I'm fine. I need to get going, anyway. I appreciate it, though." She smiled with her lips and bowed her head slightly. "See you tomorrow."
Shizune bowed slightly, and closed the door behind her with barely a sound.
Sakura sank further into the chair, letting her head loll to one side. The sun was almost completely over the horizon, the edges of clouds becoming hazy. She remembered how she used to sit on top of the monument with Naruto, and they would watch the sunset, captivated by it, like watching the same film over and over again, but with a slightly different ending each time. She stood at her desk and tentatively walked over to the large windows that overlooked the city.
The streets were still full of busy people, even when some market stalls were empty or closed in for the day. If he were still here, Naruto would be finishing his last bowl of ramen at Ichiraku, and begging Ayame for the day's leftovers so he could take them home. Her eyes wandered over to the training grounds, where she saw a few academy ninja and their teachers sparring in the fields. If Naruto were here, he might have been at the training grounds, destroying whole forests that Yamato would have to re-create later.
Or, he would be on top of that monument, with her, and their friends, watching the sunset like always.
But, it was five years since he left, and she supposed that a lot changes in that time. She stepped away from the window as the sun finally disappeared from the sky. It really wasn't that pretty.
-----
"Mask down already," Sakura observed as she entered the Hokage's quarters. "Don't mind me, I'll just be over here blushing in the corner." She smirked as she collapsed into a chair, the smells of a homecooked meal made her lick her lips.
Kakashi indeed stood unmasked in her kitchen, peeling vegetables and throwing them into a pan of hot oils and spices, moving effortlessly between stove burners, the cabinets, and the sink. He knew her kitchen well; he was in it more than she was, and he was only here once a week, for Sunday night dinners.
"Ah, maybe that's why my luck with the women has been down all these years," he said, moving the pan across the burner. "They're in all the corners, red-faced and hiding from me."
Sakura giggled. "You don't show them your face. They're probably all hiding from you because they can only see a fourth of your damn face; who the hell knows what's under all that." She waved her finger haphazardly in the direction of the mask that was bunched under his chin.
"You've seen, obviously. You can give them a full report, I don't mind." He stops for a moment and turns the fish over with a spatula. "Although, maybe you've informed them of the terrible growth on my nose, and the hairy moles across my chin, and they've run to the hills."
She snapped in the air playfully. "Oh, darn, you got me."
He portioned out their meal on two plates, the steam rising. Sakura attempted to stand reluctantly, but plopped back down in the chair. "I don't think I can make it to the table."
"Oh, well, that's too bad, because then I guess I'll just have to give your plate over to Pakkun," he said, turning off the stove.
She made a squirming, whiny noise and he looked over to see her with her mouth open, eyebrows furrowing, head nodding up and down.
"That gesture can mean either one of two things, which is that you want me to spoon-feed you, or you'd like to partake in something else entirely independent of the kitchen environment, and we've already gone over how you've been spreading rumors about me, so I don't think I'll oblige either, thanks." Kakashi, already seated, took his first bite of radish, and chewed quietly.
Sakura snorted and made a big show of clamoring out of the chair, which hopefully hid the slight blush that spread across her cheeks. She slid into the open chair across from him, and her eyes shifted very quickly at the third chair, empty between them, before taking her first bite. She made a sound akin to a donkey whinny, and her eyes rolled back into her head.
"Thif iff soo goot," she mumbled before righting her eyes and shoveling the rest of the food into her mouth as quickly as possible.
"I'm going to assume that this language you speak is from an island where they haven't invented food yet," Kakashi deadpanned as a piece of rice flew from her mouth. "Did you eat lunch?"
Sakura nodded, and swallowed quickly. "Shizune had a protein bar in her desk," she managed to get out before returning to inhale her dinner.
"Hm, I see." He chewed thoughtfully. "Well, I see that the current Hokage has maintained her grace as displayed over a period of thousands of years. I'm glad the traditions are all just falling down the line so smoothly."
She narrowed her eyes. "If you're so keen to be critical, I'd say that means you'd like to give it a shot yourself."
He sucked in air through his teeth. "Not quite. I don't really fit the description they're looking for."
"And what qualities do you lack?"
"...availability."
Sakura poked at a few grains of leftover rice that were scattered across her plate. "Sometimes, I don't believe I have any qualities in me of a good Hokage."
He leaned forward. He was not the most handsome man she had ever seen, but something about the way he regarded her, and their history together, and the way he reaches out to pat her arm on the table like he did at least once every Sunday they had dinner together made her skin prickle strangely. "Now, what would make you think that?"
"Um, well, Shizune and I were walking down the lobby hallway of the hospital, and heard someone say, 'That girl has no qualities of a good Hokage.'"
"Maybe they were talking about Shizune?"
She gave him a look before lying her head down on the table. "I wasn't meant to do this, Kakashi."
They both knew who was, and they'd been waiting for him to come back, and to stop chasing a childhood friend who no longer knew who he was anymore, and to sit there, in the chair between them, and tell them stories about the sunset as he overlooked his village. They both knew that Naruto, the hero of Konoha, was in the back of everybody's mind when they saw her. Those who were ill-informed blamed her for his departure. Those who were brave said it to her face. The citizens of Konoha were nothing but fiercely opinionated, and Sakura knew that the celebratory applause when her face was revealed on the mountain was only half-hearted. She wanted Naruto back as much as everyone else did.
She looked up at him from the table, and his expression hadn't wavered, still warm and with a touch of something else she hadn't been able to pinpoint in the four years since Naruto left, and she had become the reluctant leader of a village reluctant to have her.
"I suppose you might feel that way," he sighed. "However, like most good things, they're not appreciated but in hindsight."
She smirked and lifted her head slowly from the table. "Oh, great. So people will start talking about how awesome I am when I'm dead. That's fantastic."
Kakashi grinned, and a blanket of serenity seemed to cover the room. "People seem to say the most interesting things about me, and I'm alive as ever. I guess I should count myself lucky."
She leaned on one elbow, a bit closer to him. "You should. You're spending time with the most under-appreciated and under-revered Hokage in Konoha's history."
"And so modest," he said, patting her arm again. Before she could process his touch, and the way it made her heart beat against her ribs in a slightly interesting way, he stood, and gathered their cleared plates, bringing them to the sink. She would tend to them later; that was the deal, after all.
"I'm headed out tonight. The mission in Cloud."
"I know," she said straight-faced. "I gave you the mission myself."
"Just a friendly reminder," he went on, shrugging his pack over his shoulders. "Hm...heavier than I thought."
"It's because you're old," she said emotionlessly, but the intent in her eyes and her half-smiling lips betrayed her words. He scoffed as she stood from the table to walk him out. He opened the door himself, and turned around in the frame to face her.
"I like to think that I'm..experienced." His face was leaned forward closer to hers, and her breath momentarily caught in her throat before she grabbed the bottom of his mask and pulled it up to cover his nose.
"Well, then, please make your way to the gate, and when you return, you can tell me about all that you experienced in Cloud in the mission report I need within twelve hours of your return."
He adjusted the fabric accordingly. "Says we may not be back for a week and a half maybe."
"No, you'll be back on time. I, uh. I have a hunch."
Kakashi threw her a look, but shook his head and began to walk away, arm up in a wave. "Next Sunday, then."
She nods. "Yes. See you."
She watched him leave until the darkness of night covered him, and she couldn't hear the sound of his footsteps any longer. She closed the door, and she was alone.
Though the job of Hokage required being the voice and representation of all the people in Konoha, it was by far the loneliest job that Sakura had ever had. She thought about this as she walked up the stairs of the house that wasn't even hers, and took a bath in the antique bathtub that was brought to this country by the second Hokage who instigated trade in the North. She laid down to sleep in the bed that was meant for two, installed by the 4th Hokage whose wife was expecting, and they needed more room to accomodate for their baby to sleep comfortable with them as well. Her last thought before bed was how ironic it was that she was the Hokage and could practically have anything she wanted, and really, she had nothing at all.
-----
Sakura walked out of the hospital, wiping her brow. The medics in this year's graduating class were pretty rusty; a procedure that should have taken an hour, two at most, was complicated by some rookie mistakes that Sakura herself was rushed to rectify. After nearly an hour of Sakura's handiwork, the patient was stable, but she was exhausted. She hadn't used her full abilities in that way for a number of years. Perhaps she was a little rustly, herself. The most field time she'd gotten in years was minor patch-ups for a certain hospital-phobic jounin ex-sensei, and those were child's play, at her level.
Shizune stepped out of the room, at Sakura's side with the file in hand, pen in the other. "Sakura-sama, we just need you to sign off here."
"Tell that one girl," she began, as she scribbled something that resembled her name on whatever-it-was form that Shizune thrust in front of her face. "The one with the red hair, she's got to isolate the chakra threads of the muscle before the nerve endings to prevent permanent damage. It could have killed the patient."
"Yes, Sakura-sama," Shizune said, closing the file and handing it to the closest intern. "Shall we go back to the tower?"
"Sure. Although, let's take a walk through town," Sakura suggested. "I need some fresh air. Regain some strength. I'm a little...out of practice."
"You do look a little pale," Shizune agreed. "Sure--it's noon, so the market will be pretty busy, and the freshest produce will be out for sale. It'll be nice to see the excitement, I think."
"You know, Shizune," Sakura said, stepping out into the sun and using her hand to sheild her eyes. "The fact that fresh vegetables are exciting these days is a little disheartening."
Shizune smiled, and laughed nervously. "Things have changed greatly, Sakura-sama."
"Yeah, they have," she said, as she noticed the attention she was getting during their walk over to the Tower. A few small children began to wave to her. Before she could return the favor, they were scooped up by their parents. Nervous, sideway glances. Narrowed eyes. Anxious laughter. She pulled her Hokage's hat down a little closer to cover her eyes.
"It's the Hokage," she heard someone say, someone young.
"You mean, you've never seen her before?" came another.
"My dad says she hides in that big tower in the middle of town, where no one can see her."
"Why?"
"Beats me. Maybe she's shy."
She quickened her pace, to which an anxious Shizune double-stepped to keep in time. "Sakura-sama, don't listen to what they're saying. It's not true--they're just kids."
Sakura didn't say anything, but the edges of her eyes burned. In her childhood, she was notoriously gullible, and believed almost anything anyone ever said to her. Time had hardened her shell, and even she saw through the lies on Shizune's tongue. She inhaled deeply. She had wanted fresh air, but found it harder than ever to breathe.
-----
"Two ANBU?"
Shizune nodded. The summer heat was excruciating, and she fanned herself with a medical text as Sakura leaned forward at her desk, mission report laid out in front of her. It was late, but the sun was no where near setting, the summer days of Konoha dragging out almost until her bedtime.
"Two made it back alive," Shizune reported. "Reconnaissance proved to be inconclusive, but Water Country is still being cooperative with us."
"What kind of insurgence doesn't let up for months?" Sakura wondered out loud, pressing her fingers into her temples. "It doesn't make sense. And why don't they protect their borders? It seems just as we're about to infiltrate the heart of their operation, they purposely let us in closer and attack."
"Maybe their units aren't as high in number as we first thought," Shizune offered.
"Then we're dealing with some incredibly high-class insurgents. Great." Sakura closed her eyes and tapped the tips of her two index fingers together. A total of six ANBU had been killed in attempts to collect information and put an end to a significant uprising in Water Country, whose forces they had already notably weakened. Sakura opened her eyes and Shizune's mouth hung open expectantly.
"What, Shizune?" she asked, bracing herself. She knew what was coming.
"Reports are still clear that Rin is involved somehow in the insurgence, although as part of their units, or their prisoner, it's still uncertain," Shizune stammered. She hesitated, swallowed. "I think Kakashi-san should know."
Sakura closed her eyes again. "Kakashi will get emotional. He'll want to go in there himself, and he's going to get himself killed."
"Kakashi-san is one of the elite. He's been in emotional situations before."
"Not like this," Sakura insisted. She sat up and grabbed her pen. "I want you to send out four more ANBU--"
"Sakura-sama!" Shizune interjected sitting forward on the edge of her chair.
"Just. Do this, please." She continued writing out her official report and handed it back to Shizune. "Just some information-gathering. There will be no engaging with the enemy--if they attack, fall back, and fall back immediately. Is that clear?"
"But, Sakura-sama, all previous reconnaissance has been inconclusive--"
"Then, send better soldiers!" Sakura raised her voice, fixing a cold stare onto her assistant. Shizune did not back down, but tucked her lip into her teeth, and took the file from Sakura.
She hesitated before leaving, closing the door softly behind her. Sakura sank into the chair, her bottom almost hanging off. She wondered when she'd have a shred of good news cross her desk, and if it ever did, would she even be able to appreciate it?
The only good news there ever was, was that it was Sunday.
-----
She dragged herself through the door, throwing some scrolls on the empty chair in the foyer. She smell of baked saury filled the house, and she walked quickly into the kitchen where Kakashi was taking a pan out of the oven.
"Don't do that with your bare hand, you idiot," she immediately scolded him, and he looked up, smile on his face, shaking his hand in the air rapidly.
"Good evening to you, too," he said through gritted teeth. She squished past him, pulling on a pair of oven mitts lying conveniently on the counter. She bent over to carefully take hold of both sides of the hot dish.
"Stop staring at my ass," she commanded as she slid the tray forward. "I can see you doing it in the reflection of the steel."
"I'm insulted that you're not even a little bit flattered," Kakashi said, stepping back and allowing her to lift the pan out and onto the hot plate. The heat of the oven hid what was no doubt a full body blush.
"Looks amazing as usual," Sakura stammered, pulling a spoon from a canister on the counter. "Want me to serve?"
"You? The Hokage? Serve humble me? Never." He yanked the spoon from her hand and hit her on the hip with its round end. "You must be tired after ruling the country, or whatever it is you do."
She rolled her eyes and skittered over towards the table. "A somewhat accurate description, at least in the eyes of at least half of Konoha, thanks."
In a few minutes time, they were at the table, sitting across from each other as they did every Sunday night, enjoying a glass of wine with dinner. Or, in Sakura's case, a glass or three. Her head was pleasantly fuzzy as she swirled the glass in her hand.
"So, I've sufficiently babbled enough tonight," she said, feeling herself smile foolishly and waiting for her brain to catch up to stop her. "How was yours?"
Kakashi sat back and stared down at his glass, which was relatively full in comparison. He gripped the stem between his thumb and index finger. "Fine. Went down to the academy for exams--ran into Iruka."
"Oh?" Sakura perked up at the sound of her old instructor. "How's he doing?"
"Fine, fine," Kakashi repeated. "Says that he's been filling in for Shizune kinda often now, desk duty."
"Oh yeah," Sakura said, waving him off. "Shizune's been called to the hospital during medic examinations now, so when she's doing evaluations, Iruka's usually on desk."
"Yeah," Kakashi said, voice far away sounding to Sakura's far away ears. "Heard that we lost two ANBU. Mission in Water Country."
Sakura's ears burned, but she maintained her composure. To any normal human being, her hesitation would have gone unnoticed, but to the elite, to Kakashi, it was a glaring admission of a truth unseen. "Yes," she admitted slowly. "That's correct."
"...heard that we've lost six men now, over there."
She nodded solemnly, knowing that Kakashi would see, even if his eyes were adverted. His voice was something darker in tone, and it made the air feel cold.
"Must be a hell of an uproar," he said quietly
She stared at him for some kind of reasoning or emotion or reaction, but he continued to gaze downward, spinning the bottom of his glass with his two fingers at the stem. She continued. "The nature of the insurgence is uncertain, but trust that we're taking full precaution--why am I talking like that? We messed up, big time. They drew us in like fighter fish, waiting for their prey."
"That so," Kakashi continued.
Sakura nodded. Her palms were clammy. "They're a large force; they outnumber us for sure. Much larger in numbers than we initially thought--"
He stopped spinning his glass, and looked up at her, finally. The warmth she used to find in them was replaced by something much more severe and it chilled her veins. She could crush whole buildings, entire armies, but the look of one man, this one particular man, could make her heart stop. He pressed his lips together.
"You know, there's a reason why I always assigned you as backup instead of going undercover," he began. He laid his hand flat onto the surface of the table. "It's because you're a hell of an awful liar."
She swallowed, but furrowed her brow. "I don't understand--"
"It's a double-sided coin, though--a Hokage needs to have an honest heart. At least, that's what the Fourth taught us." He leaned forward. "What I don't understand is why you haven't sent out your strongest men, when you know that's the most reasonable option. And, what I really don't understand, Sakura, is why you would think hiding this information from me was of such importance that six men had to die."
Her heart sank into her stomach. Her fight or flight instincts were kicking in, "flight" specifically making every muscle in her body twitch, but she controlled herself, inhaling deeply and sending cooling strands of chakra through her veins. "Kakashi, this is not on your conscience. It's on mine."
"You play an amazing scapegoat, Sakura," he said impassively. His stare bore into her, forcing her confession.
"We don't know for sure, but we have intelligence that indicates that Rin is involved somehow. Either as an insurgent or their prisoner. I didn't want to tell you yet, because it wasn't--it wasn't the appropriate time."
Kakashi's eyes had widened a fraction upon the mention of Rin, a motion that could have fooled the ordinary person, but they were both elite, and they weren't fooling anybody. He remained still for a moment, quietly contemplating her words. She sat back in her chair. She felt the heat of his anger coming off of his body in waves.
"When would you say would have been an appropriate time to tell me this little bit of information?" Kakashi asked quietly.
Sakura opened her mouth, then closed it. They both knew the answer.
"How long have you known that Rin was involved?" he asked, a dark tone injected in every word.
"I don't know how she was involved--"
"That wasn't the question," Kakashi snapped. His left hand was forming a fist, then releasing, over and over again; she didn't know if it was voluntary or not.
Sakura swallowed again. "Six months," she whispered.
He suddenly pushed back from the table, knocking their glasses over as he took large strides over to the foyer, pulling his mask up hurriedly. She abandoned the table, wine dripping down from the table's surface to the floor.
"Where are you going?"
"Where do you think," he spat back.
"Stop, Kakashi, you're being emotional--this is the reason I had to withhold information from you--"
"But, it's not the only reason, is it?" He stopped at her door, hand on the knob. "I'm not blind, Sakura. I wondered why all my missions were suddenly never more than a week long never more than a couple days travel. Why I'm always back to Konoha, right on time for Sunday dinner." He grabbed her wrist and she flushed, face down to the ground.
"I-I--"she stammered.
"I'm not the only one who's acting a little selfish," he said calmly. "I learned a long time ago that an emotionless battle is far easier than one that has affected your heart, but it doesn't make it the right one."
He opened his mouth to speak again, but stopped himself, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, letting out an exhausted breath. He slowly ran his hand up her arm, gripping her shoulder, running his thumb across her collarbone. She felt so stupid, and small, the Hokage of Konoha, and what could she show for it? The villager's rumors about her were true, and that was what burned her up from the inside out. She wasn't just in hiding; she was completely lost.
She looked up at him, and found no traces of malice, although everything she had done to him would warrant violence or something equally awful. Instead, she found concern, and urgency. She couldn't bring Naruto back, who had flown out of her life to save someone else. It was in her power, now, to save someone else; even if it meant losing the one thing she had in this world to hold onto. She stepped forward and embraced him, a hot tear pressing into the front of his flak jacket.
"Gather Genma, Shikamaru, and Yamato," she said softly, into his shoulder. "I'll send the mission details to the gate. Water Country is a five day trip, at least. Leave at midnight. Good luck."
She took a step back and a mix of emotions ran across his face, none of which were familiar to her. He nodded once, and opened the door to leave.
"I'm not angry with you, Sakura," he said. "But, I am disappointed that you think I would ever abandon you."
He left, and she barely saw the corner of his shadow before he was gone. She pressed her back against the door and sunk down to the floor. As she unravelled the mission scrolls sitting on the chair in the foyer, she felt loneliness consume her, held off only by the promise of his return.
-----
It was quiet for nearly six weeks, until late, late one Sunday night, Sakura felt Kakashi's presence; it was so strong, it stirred her from her sleep. She jumped out of bed in her nightgown and house slippers, and ran out the door. It was as if he was pulling her by a string wrapped around her ribs, drawing her into him. Something was wrong, and it was calling to her as clearly as the sound of a scream.
She tried not to panic; she knew that at the very least, he back, and he was alive.
"Sakura-sama!"
She heard a real scream, this time from Shizune, who was at the end of the hall that connected the Tower to the hospital. She was already in scrubs, but her hair was back and she was wearing her glasses, like she had just been woken up. Sakura ran to her, and was handed her a pair of latex gloves.
"What's going on?" she said, out of breath from running down the hall. She wiggled her fingers into one of the gloves, cocking her head sideways to read Shizune's hastily scribbled notes.
"The team from Water Country is back," Shizune said calmly, but quickly leading the way into the Emergency Ward. "I'll called in a support team, they should be here in less than five minutes."
"Nevermind that--are they hurt? How bad?"
"All have sustained fairly severe injuries, worst off, is Kakashi-san." Shizune paused momentarily before catching her breath and continuing. "Mostly, they're all just exhausted from traveling without sleep, and loss of blood."
They entered the Emergency Ward where the team was waiting, crowded around Kakashi, who lay motionless, breath labored, ribs and shoulder bones in all the wrong places. Their clothes were splattered with blood and outdoor debris. Shikamaru was sporting a nasty cut across his neck, the wound packed with dirt and sand. Yamato was leaning against Genma for support, gripping a stomach injury that was also bandaged primitively. Genma seemed fairly well off, but looked worse for wear--he most likely had to carry his entire team home. Sakura scanned them all quickly, affirming Shizune's assessment.
"Sakura-sama--" Genma began, stepping forward towards her.
"Quiet, Genma, just one minute," Sakura said, squinting her eyes and calling chakra to her fingers to better investigate for internal injuries.
"Kakashi-san has several broken bones and chakra pathways as well as blunt force trauma just about...just about everywhere on his torso," Shizune said, running cooling chakra through Kakashi's shoulders directly into his chakra paths. He moaned slightly, his labored breath becoming more of a wheezing cough.
"He wasn't doing that before," Shikamaru observed, looking from Kakashi to Sakura and back, attempting to move his neck as minimally as possible.
"There's blood in his lungs," Sakura said, pushing the gurney forward into an open room. Shizune and the rest of Kakashi's team hobbled after them, keeping up with her in spite of their injuries.
"Is he gonna be okay?" Yamato asked.
"Yes, he'll be fine--" Sakura replied, then peered down at Kakashi's leg, bound tightly in an entirely wooden splint. "His leg is broken. Did you make the splint? Nice work."
"Thanks," Yamato replied, awkwardly.
"Wait, what's happening to his lungs now? Is he all right?" Genma interjected.
Shizune walked quickly to the front of the gurney and pulled it into an operating room. "He's bleeding internally, we need to get the blood out and remove the broken rib from the damaged lung."
"Like, the whole rib!?" Genma exclaimed.
"Shizune-senpai!" A team of four medics came sprinting around the corner, and Sakura grabbed each of them, pointing to individual ninja, and delegating the tasks at hand.
"You two, take Yamato-san and Shikamaru-san into Room four, clean out the areas they need sealed or stitched. If you're advanced enough, and are confident in your abilities, you can even go ahead and numb them--I'll be there in a minute. You, prepare a room for Genma-san, he'll be in there in a moment, same procedure as those two. You, go help Shizune-san prep for surgery in the OR. Five minutes, all right?"
The medics responded with a mix of "Yes, Hokage-sama"s and nods of the head and set to work. Sakura pulled Genma into the prep room, laying the necessary tools and drugs out on a rollaway for surgery. Her fingers laced through IV tubes and prepared an IV bag.
"You look the least hurt, so I pulled you in here for a second," she explained, filling a syringe.
"I beg to differ, Miss Hokage--"
"Just tell me what happened," she interrupted curtly, as she secured the bag into the rollaway station. She pulled two rolls of gauze from the cabinet above her. "A summary. Quickly."
"Insurgents from Water Country wanted the eye," Genma said. "Said they were paid by someone to get the eye. They wouldn't name who, and I know any ninja in their right mind would kill to have the sharingan, but I can only think of one person who would want it so badly that they'd kill to have it." He paused. "Especially when the eye is fully operational, and, rumor has it, he's lost both eyes of his own."
She stopped briefly to absorb what he was saying to her, and to truly mourn the loss of a boy she once knew and loved when she was twelve.
"Unfortunately, there's also only one ninja I know who would have the skill, the tenacity, and the dark seal to find someone who's supposed to have been dead for the past twenty years," he continued.
She swallowed and regained her pace, setting each scalpel side by side. "No Naruto, though?"
Genma shook his head. "Sorry, Sakura."
Sakura nodded and leaned on the counter. "She's dead now. Isn't she."
He nodded slowly. "Yeah. She is. They wanted the Copy nin specifically; s'why they kept the Rin girl alive. I think they were going to use her as a bargaining chip once they lured us in, but didn't expect us to match them in strength. They did something to her, to mask her chakra; Kakashi said he didn't sense her anywhere near the place, so we struck first. They tried to kill her the minute we showed up; all bargaining was off. She was barely alive. Kakashi did what he could to save her, but I don't think there was anything we could have done."
Sakura motioned for Genma to follow her, pulling the rollaway with her supplies behind her. She grabbed a new surgical mask from the dispenser and tightened it around her ears.
"After all this time. Everything just..." She shook her head and prepared her mind for surgery. The tips of her fingers began to glow, felt hot and cold all at once. "What of the insurgents?" Sakura asked.
Genma laughed once, a laughter full of sadness and grief and exhaustion. "Well, what do you think? They wanted the Copy nin, and they got exactly what they wanted."
The medic assisting Genma called him into the open exam room. He nodded good-bye to Sakura.
"He gave them hell."
-----
Kakashi awoke as she was sewing up his shoulder, where a kunai had ripped through tender muscle that she had gingerly pressed back together all through the night. The surgery was a success, and his lungs, ribs, and broken bones were on the mend. Sakura's chakra was nearly gone, but her hands were still stable, repairing his skin the old-fashioned way. It would scar, but what was one more to add to the collection of scars they had both accumulated over a lifetime?
He made a grunting sort of noise, and she watched, enraptured by the way his light eyelashes fluttered, and the way his Adam's apple rolled against his throat. He was finally starting to look the age that everyone thought he was, evidenced by the tiny wrinkles that lined the corners of his eyes and around his mouth. There was a bit of blood on his lip, and she wiped it away with a wet cloth. His lips were soft, she supposed it was because they were usually under his mask and kept away from outside conditions. The bit of moisture from the cloth stayed on his lips, collecting in little beds in the creases of his mouth.
To think that all the women she knew only got to see a fourth of his incredible face...
She swallowed, and knotted off the stitch she was working on. She spoke to him softly--even a whisper was loud in the early morning hours, in an empty hospital.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
He blinked a few times, then looked down at her handiwork. His head hit the pillow again and he inhaled sharply. "Could be better."
She nodded. She didn't understand why, but she felt the familiar prickle of tears pulling at her cheeks, her nose, and the insides of her eyes. Her hand started shaking a bit and she had to stop. She felt his hand on top of her arm, patting it softly, like he had done every Sunday for five years.
"...could be worse," he murmured.
Sakura looked at him then, and knew that although Naruto's absence was like a missing puzzle piece, the loss of Kakashi would have been paralyzing, like throwing the puzzle into a fire. Was this how he felt about Rin? Would the loss be too much for him? Had she condemned a girl to death for the sake of her own happiness? Who was she to measure her loneliness in units, in scars, and compare them like battle wounds, some given more merit than others?
"Kakashi," she began, words already like liquid in her mouth. Her lips were shaking, unable to form anything correctly, like speaking for the very first time. "Kakashi, I--"
"I said good-bye," he said softly, with a finality that Sakura did not expect. His head lulled to one side. The scar across his eye was an angry red, betraying the serene nature of his expression. "To Rin. I said good-bye to Rin."
She was taken aback by what he said, unable to interpret it as an apology, an accusation, or a resolution. She didn't know the difference anymore. Her life was so infected with pain and loss, she had passed it on, spreading it like a disease of sorrow. She had spread it to the one person that had served her the only fragments of happiness she had enjoyed in recent memory.
But, strangely, even though she could see now what resembled loneliness in his eyes, he was rejecting her sorrow, and replacing it with something else.
He breathed deeply. His lung would heal neatly, at least.
"I'm so sorry, Kakashi," she whispered, holding back the sob that was lodged in her throat, threatening to choke her. His forgiveness was almost too much to bear.
"It's over," he said finally. He patted her arm again. "It's over."
She leaned forward to kiss the top of his hand, where she had repaired some tissue damage earlier. The feel of her hand in his was mercy, and she held on tightly.
She suddenly recalled a day at the academy when she came upon a group of boys outside who were crowded around an ant hill. Upon closer observation, they pointed out that some ants were still alive, with only two segments of their bodies still in tact, or sometimes with only four or five legs. To keep up with the demand of their queen, these ants would find others like themselves, and find ways to use their broken bodies and work together to fulfill the needs of the colony. They would walk together, work together, as one unit, to survive.
She held on tightly to him, because they both knew that they were broken. It may take months, maybe years for them to find each other, but they would survive.
-----
The next Sunday, Sakura visited the Memorial.
It had been awhile since she was last here, but there were always visitors, and the flowers around and on the stone were still fresh. She took off her shoes and dragged her bare feet across the grass. She supposed that, in a way, people might come here to mourn the loss of these things forgotten in the process of growing up, of being young. When there was so much joy in life, like in the feel of the grass between her toes, the smell of the cherry blossom trees in full bloom, and the colors of the famous Konoha sky.
She had never really brought flowers to the stone herself, but today she set a single yellow lily on top of the Memorial, delicately balancing it so that it stayed in place.
She sat down in the grass, the ground cooling off now that the sun was going down. She didn't mind.
"You're not supposed to be out of bed," she said to the air.
She turned her head to see Kakashi walking over to her slowly. His shoulder was supposed to be in a sling, but, of course, it was hanging free against his side. He waved with his good arm, and shook his head when she began to get up to help him.
"You're supposed to be at your house enjoying my remarkable cooking," he replied. Eventually, he took her hand, settling in beside her and leaning back on his elbow.
"How did you find me?" she asked. She copied his stance, leaning back on her elbows, but still keeping the monument in her view.
"Personal favorite thinking spot," he said.
Sakura sighed. "There's been a lot to think about."
She tilted her head to look at him. He was looking straight at the names carved into stone. She was positive he knew the locations of the names of all his loved ones, names that had been there since the first time he laid eyes on the Monument, and names still fresh and ready to be worn by age. A particular name carved too soon, but still had a place.
"Hn." He breathed in slowly, and she wondered if he can still smell the flowers.
Sakura sat up and hugged her knees to her chest. "Dinner next Sunday?" she asked sheepishly.
"Sure," he answered. "And, if we're feeling adventurous, maybe on other days. As in, in addition to, and not in lieu of."
She smiled sadly. "Sometimes I feel like that's all I really have in this world are those dinners with you, and nothing else."
He paused in contemplation, running his hand through the blades of grass at his fingertips. "It's all I have left. But, sometimes, it starts as being the only thing you have, and becomes the only thing you really needed after all."
A comfortable silence spread between them. Sakura wondered when the silence had gone from anxious and desperate, to containing such serenity. Their lifelong roads to achieving peace seemed without end, but perhaps they were turning a corner, at the monument, at the stem of a yellow lily.
The sunset was not as vivid that night, as it had been before. But, it was beautiful, and constant.
-end-
Author: a_lifestyle
Fandom: Naruto (Kakasaku)
Rating: PG (Angst.)
Words: 7,001
Summary:
A/N: LJ's being crazy right now and I have to do the HTML by hand, so this took me about fourteen years to format correctly. Talk about panic attack. ;_____;
Anyway. It's not as romance-centric, and it's a little on the long side, but I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you so, so, so much for helping me make it to the third round of the Poe Challenge on the kakasaku Community. The prompt was "Only This, and Nothing More."
It is also available for you to read on ff.net!
A Collection of Scars
"Hokage-sama," came Shizune's voice from behind the door.
The sun was setting, beautiful ribbons of pink and orange weaving through the sky and disappearing over the horizon. Konoha was famous for its vivid sunsets, and the view from the Hokage's tower was breathtaking.
Sakura had other things on her mind than gazing off into sunsets. She remained still, eyes scanning over the mission reports on her desk. The deaths of four ANBU, this month alone, stared her in the face. She'd been looking at the report for nearly an hour before Shizune's quiet, but familiar knock snapped her out of her guilt.
"Yes, Shizune," Sakura said, voice dripping with exhaustion. "Come in."
Shizune stepped in quietly, rubbing her shoulder with the ball of her hand. "I'm going to retire--no more surgeries today. Do you need me to call for an escort back to your quarters?"
Sakura sat back in her chair, curling her fingers around the wood grain. "No, I'm fine, Shizune. "Thank you."
"Do you need a cup of tea?" Shizune offered.
"No, I'm fine. I need to get going, anyway. I appreciate it, though." She smiled with her lips and bowed her head slightly. "See you tomorrow."
Shizune bowed slightly, and closed the door behind her with barely a sound.
Sakura sank further into the chair, letting her head loll to one side. The sun was almost completely over the horizon, the edges of clouds becoming hazy. She remembered how she used to sit on top of the monument with Naruto, and they would watch the sunset, captivated by it, like watching the same film over and over again, but with a slightly different ending each time. She stood at her desk and tentatively walked over to the large windows that overlooked the city.
The streets were still full of busy people, even when some market stalls were empty or closed in for the day. If he were still here, Naruto would be finishing his last bowl of ramen at Ichiraku, and begging Ayame for the day's leftovers so he could take them home. Her eyes wandered over to the training grounds, where she saw a few academy ninja and their teachers sparring in the fields. If Naruto were here, he might have been at the training grounds, destroying whole forests that Yamato would have to re-create later.
Or, he would be on top of that monument, with her, and their friends, watching the sunset like always.
But, it was five years since he left, and she supposed that a lot changes in that time. She stepped away from the window as the sun finally disappeared from the sky. It really wasn't that pretty.
-----
"Mask down already," Sakura observed as she entered the Hokage's quarters. "Don't mind me, I'll just be over here blushing in the corner." She smirked as she collapsed into a chair, the smells of a homecooked meal made her lick her lips.
Kakashi indeed stood unmasked in her kitchen, peeling vegetables and throwing them into a pan of hot oils and spices, moving effortlessly between stove burners, the cabinets, and the sink. He knew her kitchen well; he was in it more than she was, and he was only here once a week, for Sunday night dinners.
"Ah, maybe that's why my luck with the women has been down all these years," he said, moving the pan across the burner. "They're in all the corners, red-faced and hiding from me."
Sakura giggled. "You don't show them your face. They're probably all hiding from you because they can only see a fourth of your damn face; who the hell knows what's under all that." She waved her finger haphazardly in the direction of the mask that was bunched under his chin.
"You've seen, obviously. You can give them a full report, I don't mind." He stops for a moment and turns the fish over with a spatula. "Although, maybe you've informed them of the terrible growth on my nose, and the hairy moles across my chin, and they've run to the hills."
She snapped in the air playfully. "Oh, darn, you got me."
He portioned out their meal on two plates, the steam rising. Sakura attempted to stand reluctantly, but plopped back down in the chair. "I don't think I can make it to the table."
"Oh, well, that's too bad, because then I guess I'll just have to give your plate over to Pakkun," he said, turning off the stove.
She made a squirming, whiny noise and he looked over to see her with her mouth open, eyebrows furrowing, head nodding up and down.
"That gesture can mean either one of two things, which is that you want me to spoon-feed you, or you'd like to partake in something else entirely independent of the kitchen environment, and we've already gone over how you've been spreading rumors about me, so I don't think I'll oblige either, thanks." Kakashi, already seated, took his first bite of radish, and chewed quietly.
Sakura snorted and made a big show of clamoring out of the chair, which hopefully hid the slight blush that spread across her cheeks. She slid into the open chair across from him, and her eyes shifted very quickly at the third chair, empty between them, before taking her first bite. She made a sound akin to a donkey whinny, and her eyes rolled back into her head.
"Thif iff soo goot," she mumbled before righting her eyes and shoveling the rest of the food into her mouth as quickly as possible.
"I'm going to assume that this language you speak is from an island where they haven't invented food yet," Kakashi deadpanned as a piece of rice flew from her mouth. "Did you eat lunch?"
Sakura nodded, and swallowed quickly. "Shizune had a protein bar in her desk," she managed to get out before returning to inhale her dinner.
"Hm, I see." He chewed thoughtfully. "Well, I see that the current Hokage has maintained her grace as displayed over a period of thousands of years. I'm glad the traditions are all just falling down the line so smoothly."
She narrowed her eyes. "If you're so keen to be critical, I'd say that means you'd like to give it a shot yourself."
He sucked in air through his teeth. "Not quite. I don't really fit the description they're looking for."
"And what qualities do you lack?"
"...availability."
Sakura poked at a few grains of leftover rice that were scattered across her plate. "Sometimes, I don't believe I have any qualities in me of a good Hokage."
He leaned forward. He was not the most handsome man she had ever seen, but something about the way he regarded her, and their history together, and the way he reaches out to pat her arm on the table like he did at least once every Sunday they had dinner together made her skin prickle strangely. "Now, what would make you think that?"
"Um, well, Shizune and I were walking down the lobby hallway of the hospital, and heard someone say, 'That girl has no qualities of a good Hokage.'"
"Maybe they were talking about Shizune?"
She gave him a look before lying her head down on the table. "I wasn't meant to do this, Kakashi."
They both knew who was, and they'd been waiting for him to come back, and to stop chasing a childhood friend who no longer knew who he was anymore, and to sit there, in the chair between them, and tell them stories about the sunset as he overlooked his village. They both knew that Naruto, the hero of Konoha, was in the back of everybody's mind when they saw her. Those who were ill-informed blamed her for his departure. Those who were brave said it to her face. The citizens of Konoha were nothing but fiercely opinionated, and Sakura knew that the celebratory applause when her face was revealed on the mountain was only half-hearted. She wanted Naruto back as much as everyone else did.
She looked up at him from the table, and his expression hadn't wavered, still warm and with a touch of something else she hadn't been able to pinpoint in the four years since Naruto left, and she had become the reluctant leader of a village reluctant to have her.
"I suppose you might feel that way," he sighed. "However, like most good things, they're not appreciated but in hindsight."
She smirked and lifted her head slowly from the table. "Oh, great. So people will start talking about how awesome I am when I'm dead. That's fantastic."
Kakashi grinned, and a blanket of serenity seemed to cover the room. "People seem to say the most interesting things about me, and I'm alive as ever. I guess I should count myself lucky."
She leaned on one elbow, a bit closer to him. "You should. You're spending time with the most under-appreciated and under-revered Hokage in Konoha's history."
"And so modest," he said, patting her arm again. Before she could process his touch, and the way it made her heart beat against her ribs in a slightly interesting way, he stood, and gathered their cleared plates, bringing them to the sink. She would tend to them later; that was the deal, after all.
"I'm headed out tonight. The mission in Cloud."
"I know," she said straight-faced. "I gave you the mission myself."
"Just a friendly reminder," he went on, shrugging his pack over his shoulders. "Hm...heavier than I thought."
"It's because you're old," she said emotionlessly, but the intent in her eyes and her half-smiling lips betrayed her words. He scoffed as she stood from the table to walk him out. He opened the door himself, and turned around in the frame to face her.
"I like to think that I'm..experienced." His face was leaned forward closer to hers, and her breath momentarily caught in her throat before she grabbed the bottom of his mask and pulled it up to cover his nose.
"Well, then, please make your way to the gate, and when you return, you can tell me about all that you experienced in Cloud in the mission report I need within twelve hours of your return."
He adjusted the fabric accordingly. "Says we may not be back for a week and a half maybe."
"No, you'll be back on time. I, uh. I have a hunch."
Kakashi threw her a look, but shook his head and began to walk away, arm up in a wave. "Next Sunday, then."
She nods. "Yes. See you."
She watched him leave until the darkness of night covered him, and she couldn't hear the sound of his footsteps any longer. She closed the door, and she was alone.
Though the job of Hokage required being the voice and representation of all the people in Konoha, it was by far the loneliest job that Sakura had ever had. She thought about this as she walked up the stairs of the house that wasn't even hers, and took a bath in the antique bathtub that was brought to this country by the second Hokage who instigated trade in the North. She laid down to sleep in the bed that was meant for two, installed by the 4th Hokage whose wife was expecting, and they needed more room to accomodate for their baby to sleep comfortable with them as well. Her last thought before bed was how ironic it was that she was the Hokage and could practically have anything she wanted, and really, she had nothing at all.
-----
Sakura walked out of the hospital, wiping her brow. The medics in this year's graduating class were pretty rusty; a procedure that should have taken an hour, two at most, was complicated by some rookie mistakes that Sakura herself was rushed to rectify. After nearly an hour of Sakura's handiwork, the patient was stable, but she was exhausted. She hadn't used her full abilities in that way for a number of years. Perhaps she was a little rustly, herself. The most field time she'd gotten in years was minor patch-ups for a certain hospital-phobic jounin ex-sensei, and those were child's play, at her level.
Shizune stepped out of the room, at Sakura's side with the file in hand, pen in the other. "Sakura-sama, we just need you to sign off here."
"Tell that one girl," she began, as she scribbled something that resembled her name on whatever-it-was form that Shizune thrust in front of her face. "The one with the red hair, she's got to isolate the chakra threads of the muscle before the nerve endings to prevent permanent damage. It could have killed the patient."
"Yes, Sakura-sama," Shizune said, closing the file and handing it to the closest intern. "Shall we go back to the tower?"
"Sure. Although, let's take a walk through town," Sakura suggested. "I need some fresh air. Regain some strength. I'm a little...out of practice."
"You do look a little pale," Shizune agreed. "Sure--it's noon, so the market will be pretty busy, and the freshest produce will be out for sale. It'll be nice to see the excitement, I think."
"You know, Shizune," Sakura said, stepping out into the sun and using her hand to sheild her eyes. "The fact that fresh vegetables are exciting these days is a little disheartening."
Shizune smiled, and laughed nervously. "Things have changed greatly, Sakura-sama."
"Yeah, they have," she said, as she noticed the attention she was getting during their walk over to the Tower. A few small children began to wave to her. Before she could return the favor, they were scooped up by their parents. Nervous, sideway glances. Narrowed eyes. Anxious laughter. She pulled her Hokage's hat down a little closer to cover her eyes.
"It's the Hokage," she heard someone say, someone young.
"You mean, you've never seen her before?" came another.
"My dad says she hides in that big tower in the middle of town, where no one can see her."
"Why?"
"Beats me. Maybe she's shy."
She quickened her pace, to which an anxious Shizune double-stepped to keep in time. "Sakura-sama, don't listen to what they're saying. It's not true--they're just kids."
Sakura didn't say anything, but the edges of her eyes burned. In her childhood, she was notoriously gullible, and believed almost anything anyone ever said to her. Time had hardened her shell, and even she saw through the lies on Shizune's tongue. She inhaled deeply. She had wanted fresh air, but found it harder than ever to breathe.
-----
"Two ANBU?"
Shizune nodded. The summer heat was excruciating, and she fanned herself with a medical text as Sakura leaned forward at her desk, mission report laid out in front of her. It was late, but the sun was no where near setting, the summer days of Konoha dragging out almost until her bedtime.
"Two made it back alive," Shizune reported. "Reconnaissance proved to be inconclusive, but Water Country is still being cooperative with us."
"What kind of insurgence doesn't let up for months?" Sakura wondered out loud, pressing her fingers into her temples. "It doesn't make sense. And why don't they protect their borders? It seems just as we're about to infiltrate the heart of their operation, they purposely let us in closer and attack."
"Maybe their units aren't as high in number as we first thought," Shizune offered.
"Then we're dealing with some incredibly high-class insurgents. Great." Sakura closed her eyes and tapped the tips of her two index fingers together. A total of six ANBU had been killed in attempts to collect information and put an end to a significant uprising in Water Country, whose forces they had already notably weakened. Sakura opened her eyes and Shizune's mouth hung open expectantly.
"What, Shizune?" she asked, bracing herself. She knew what was coming.
"Reports are still clear that Rin is involved somehow in the insurgence, although as part of their units, or their prisoner, it's still uncertain," Shizune stammered. She hesitated, swallowed. "I think Kakashi-san should know."
Sakura closed her eyes again. "Kakashi will get emotional. He'll want to go in there himself, and he's going to get himself killed."
"Kakashi-san is one of the elite. He's been in emotional situations before."
"Not like this," Sakura insisted. She sat up and grabbed her pen. "I want you to send out four more ANBU--"
"Sakura-sama!" Shizune interjected sitting forward on the edge of her chair.
"Just. Do this, please." She continued writing out her official report and handed it back to Shizune. "Just some information-gathering. There will be no engaging with the enemy--if they attack, fall back, and fall back immediately. Is that clear?"
"But, Sakura-sama, all previous reconnaissance has been inconclusive--"
"Then, send better soldiers!" Sakura raised her voice, fixing a cold stare onto her assistant. Shizune did not back down, but tucked her lip into her teeth, and took the file from Sakura.
She hesitated before leaving, closing the door softly behind her. Sakura sank into the chair, her bottom almost hanging off. She wondered when she'd have a shred of good news cross her desk, and if it ever did, would she even be able to appreciate it?
The only good news there ever was, was that it was Sunday.
-----
She dragged herself through the door, throwing some scrolls on the empty chair in the foyer. She smell of baked saury filled the house, and she walked quickly into the kitchen where Kakashi was taking a pan out of the oven.
"Don't do that with your bare hand, you idiot," she immediately scolded him, and he looked up, smile on his face, shaking his hand in the air rapidly.
"Good evening to you, too," he said through gritted teeth. She squished past him, pulling on a pair of oven mitts lying conveniently on the counter. She bent over to carefully take hold of both sides of the hot dish.
"Stop staring at my ass," she commanded as she slid the tray forward. "I can see you doing it in the reflection of the steel."
"I'm insulted that you're not even a little bit flattered," Kakashi said, stepping back and allowing her to lift the pan out and onto the hot plate. The heat of the oven hid what was no doubt a full body blush.
"Looks amazing as usual," Sakura stammered, pulling a spoon from a canister on the counter. "Want me to serve?"
"You? The Hokage? Serve humble me? Never." He yanked the spoon from her hand and hit her on the hip with its round end. "You must be tired after ruling the country, or whatever it is you do."
She rolled her eyes and skittered over towards the table. "A somewhat accurate description, at least in the eyes of at least half of Konoha, thanks."
In a few minutes time, they were at the table, sitting across from each other as they did every Sunday night, enjoying a glass of wine with dinner. Or, in Sakura's case, a glass or three. Her head was pleasantly fuzzy as she swirled the glass in her hand.
"So, I've sufficiently babbled enough tonight," she said, feeling herself smile foolishly and waiting for her brain to catch up to stop her. "How was yours?"
Kakashi sat back and stared down at his glass, which was relatively full in comparison. He gripped the stem between his thumb and index finger. "Fine. Went down to the academy for exams--ran into Iruka."
"Oh?" Sakura perked up at the sound of her old instructor. "How's he doing?"
"Fine, fine," Kakashi repeated. "Says that he's been filling in for Shizune kinda often now, desk duty."
"Oh yeah," Sakura said, waving him off. "Shizune's been called to the hospital during medic examinations now, so when she's doing evaluations, Iruka's usually on desk."
"Yeah," Kakashi said, voice far away sounding to Sakura's far away ears. "Heard that we lost two ANBU. Mission in Water Country."
Sakura's ears burned, but she maintained her composure. To any normal human being, her hesitation would have gone unnoticed, but to the elite, to Kakashi, it was a glaring admission of a truth unseen. "Yes," she admitted slowly. "That's correct."
"...heard that we've lost six men now, over there."
She nodded solemnly, knowing that Kakashi would see, even if his eyes were adverted. His voice was something darker in tone, and it made the air feel cold.
"Must be a hell of an uproar," he said quietly
She stared at him for some kind of reasoning or emotion or reaction, but he continued to gaze downward, spinning the bottom of his glass with his two fingers at the stem. She continued. "The nature of the insurgence is uncertain, but trust that we're taking full precaution--why am I talking like that? We messed up, big time. They drew us in like fighter fish, waiting for their prey."
"That so," Kakashi continued.
Sakura nodded. Her palms were clammy. "They're a large force; they outnumber us for sure. Much larger in numbers than we initially thought--"
He stopped spinning his glass, and looked up at her, finally. The warmth she used to find in them was replaced by something much more severe and it chilled her veins. She could crush whole buildings, entire armies, but the look of one man, this one particular man, could make her heart stop. He pressed his lips together.
"You know, there's a reason why I always assigned you as backup instead of going undercover," he began. He laid his hand flat onto the surface of the table. "It's because you're a hell of an awful liar."
She swallowed, but furrowed her brow. "I don't understand--"
"It's a double-sided coin, though--a Hokage needs to have an honest heart. At least, that's what the Fourth taught us." He leaned forward. "What I don't understand is why you haven't sent out your strongest men, when you know that's the most reasonable option. And, what I really don't understand, Sakura, is why you would think hiding this information from me was of such importance that six men had to die."
Her heart sank into her stomach. Her fight or flight instincts were kicking in, "flight" specifically making every muscle in her body twitch, but she controlled herself, inhaling deeply and sending cooling strands of chakra through her veins. "Kakashi, this is not on your conscience. It's on mine."
"You play an amazing scapegoat, Sakura," he said impassively. His stare bore into her, forcing her confession.
"We don't know for sure, but we have intelligence that indicates that Rin is involved somehow. Either as an insurgent or their prisoner. I didn't want to tell you yet, because it wasn't--it wasn't the appropriate time."
Kakashi's eyes had widened a fraction upon the mention of Rin, a motion that could have fooled the ordinary person, but they were both elite, and they weren't fooling anybody. He remained still for a moment, quietly contemplating her words. She sat back in her chair. She felt the heat of his anger coming off of his body in waves.
"When would you say would have been an appropriate time to tell me this little bit of information?" Kakashi asked quietly.
Sakura opened her mouth, then closed it. They both knew the answer.
"How long have you known that Rin was involved?" he asked, a dark tone injected in every word.
"I don't know how she was involved--"
"That wasn't the question," Kakashi snapped. His left hand was forming a fist, then releasing, over and over again; she didn't know if it was voluntary or not.
Sakura swallowed again. "Six months," she whispered.
He suddenly pushed back from the table, knocking their glasses over as he took large strides over to the foyer, pulling his mask up hurriedly. She abandoned the table, wine dripping down from the table's surface to the floor.
"Where are you going?"
"Where do you think," he spat back.
"Stop, Kakashi, you're being emotional--this is the reason I had to withhold information from you--"
"But, it's not the only reason, is it?" He stopped at her door, hand on the knob. "I'm not blind, Sakura. I wondered why all my missions were suddenly never more than a week long never more than a couple days travel. Why I'm always back to Konoha, right on time for Sunday dinner." He grabbed her wrist and she flushed, face down to the ground.
"I-I--"she stammered.
"I'm not the only one who's acting a little selfish," he said calmly. "I learned a long time ago that an emotionless battle is far easier than one that has affected your heart, but it doesn't make it the right one."
He opened his mouth to speak again, but stopped himself, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, letting out an exhausted breath. He slowly ran his hand up her arm, gripping her shoulder, running his thumb across her collarbone. She felt so stupid, and small, the Hokage of Konoha, and what could she show for it? The villager's rumors about her were true, and that was what burned her up from the inside out. She wasn't just in hiding; she was completely lost.
She looked up at him, and found no traces of malice, although everything she had done to him would warrant violence or something equally awful. Instead, she found concern, and urgency. She couldn't bring Naruto back, who had flown out of her life to save someone else. It was in her power, now, to save someone else; even if it meant losing the one thing she had in this world to hold onto. She stepped forward and embraced him, a hot tear pressing into the front of his flak jacket.
"Gather Genma, Shikamaru, and Yamato," she said softly, into his shoulder. "I'll send the mission details to the gate. Water Country is a five day trip, at least. Leave at midnight. Good luck."
She took a step back and a mix of emotions ran across his face, none of which were familiar to her. He nodded once, and opened the door to leave.
"I'm not angry with you, Sakura," he said. "But, I am disappointed that you think I would ever abandon you."
He left, and she barely saw the corner of his shadow before he was gone. She pressed her back against the door and sunk down to the floor. As she unravelled the mission scrolls sitting on the chair in the foyer, she felt loneliness consume her, held off only by the promise of his return.
-----
It was quiet for nearly six weeks, until late, late one Sunday night, Sakura felt Kakashi's presence; it was so strong, it stirred her from her sleep. She jumped out of bed in her nightgown and house slippers, and ran out the door. It was as if he was pulling her by a string wrapped around her ribs, drawing her into him. Something was wrong, and it was calling to her as clearly as the sound of a scream.
She tried not to panic; she knew that at the very least, he back, and he was alive.
"Sakura-sama!"
She heard a real scream, this time from Shizune, who was at the end of the hall that connected the Tower to the hospital. She was already in scrubs, but her hair was back and she was wearing her glasses, like she had just been woken up. Sakura ran to her, and was handed her a pair of latex gloves.
"What's going on?" she said, out of breath from running down the hall. She wiggled her fingers into one of the gloves, cocking her head sideways to read Shizune's hastily scribbled notes.
"The team from Water Country is back," Shizune said calmly, but quickly leading the way into the Emergency Ward. "I'll called in a support team, they should be here in less than five minutes."
"Nevermind that--are they hurt? How bad?"
"All have sustained fairly severe injuries, worst off, is Kakashi-san." Shizune paused momentarily before catching her breath and continuing. "Mostly, they're all just exhausted from traveling without sleep, and loss of blood."
They entered the Emergency Ward where the team was waiting, crowded around Kakashi, who lay motionless, breath labored, ribs and shoulder bones in all the wrong places. Their clothes were splattered with blood and outdoor debris. Shikamaru was sporting a nasty cut across his neck, the wound packed with dirt and sand. Yamato was leaning against Genma for support, gripping a stomach injury that was also bandaged primitively. Genma seemed fairly well off, but looked worse for wear--he most likely had to carry his entire team home. Sakura scanned them all quickly, affirming Shizune's assessment.
"Sakura-sama--" Genma began, stepping forward towards her.
"Quiet, Genma, just one minute," Sakura said, squinting her eyes and calling chakra to her fingers to better investigate for internal injuries.
"Kakashi-san has several broken bones and chakra pathways as well as blunt force trauma just about...just about everywhere on his torso," Shizune said, running cooling chakra through Kakashi's shoulders directly into his chakra paths. He moaned slightly, his labored breath becoming more of a wheezing cough.
"He wasn't doing that before," Shikamaru observed, looking from Kakashi to Sakura and back, attempting to move his neck as minimally as possible.
"There's blood in his lungs," Sakura said, pushing the gurney forward into an open room. Shizune and the rest of Kakashi's team hobbled after them, keeping up with her in spite of their injuries.
"Is he gonna be okay?" Yamato asked.
"Yes, he'll be fine--" Sakura replied, then peered down at Kakashi's leg, bound tightly in an entirely wooden splint. "His leg is broken. Did you make the splint? Nice work."
"Thanks," Yamato replied, awkwardly.
"Wait, what's happening to his lungs now? Is he all right?" Genma interjected.
Shizune walked quickly to the front of the gurney and pulled it into an operating room. "He's bleeding internally, we need to get the blood out and remove the broken rib from the damaged lung."
"Like, the whole rib!?" Genma exclaimed.
"Shizune-senpai!" A team of four medics came sprinting around the corner, and Sakura grabbed each of them, pointing to individual ninja, and delegating the tasks at hand.
"You two, take Yamato-san and Shikamaru-san into Room four, clean out the areas they need sealed or stitched. If you're advanced enough, and are confident in your abilities, you can even go ahead and numb them--I'll be there in a minute. You, prepare a room for Genma-san, he'll be in there in a moment, same procedure as those two. You, go help Shizune-san prep for surgery in the OR. Five minutes, all right?"
The medics responded with a mix of "Yes, Hokage-sama"s and nods of the head and set to work. Sakura pulled Genma into the prep room, laying the necessary tools and drugs out on a rollaway for surgery. Her fingers laced through IV tubes and prepared an IV bag.
"You look the least hurt, so I pulled you in here for a second," she explained, filling a syringe.
"I beg to differ, Miss Hokage--"
"Just tell me what happened," she interrupted curtly, as she secured the bag into the rollaway station. She pulled two rolls of gauze from the cabinet above her. "A summary. Quickly."
"Insurgents from Water Country wanted the eye," Genma said. "Said they were paid by someone to get the eye. They wouldn't name who, and I know any ninja in their right mind would kill to have the sharingan, but I can only think of one person who would want it so badly that they'd kill to have it." He paused. "Especially when the eye is fully operational, and, rumor has it, he's lost both eyes of his own."
She stopped briefly to absorb what he was saying to her, and to truly mourn the loss of a boy she once knew and loved when she was twelve.
"Unfortunately, there's also only one ninja I know who would have the skill, the tenacity, and the dark seal to find someone who's supposed to have been dead for the past twenty years," he continued.
She swallowed and regained her pace, setting each scalpel side by side. "No Naruto, though?"
Genma shook his head. "Sorry, Sakura."
Sakura nodded and leaned on the counter. "She's dead now. Isn't she."
He nodded slowly. "Yeah. She is. They wanted the Copy nin specifically; s'why they kept the Rin girl alive. I think they were going to use her as a bargaining chip once they lured us in, but didn't expect us to match them in strength. They did something to her, to mask her chakra; Kakashi said he didn't sense her anywhere near the place, so we struck first. They tried to kill her the minute we showed up; all bargaining was off. She was barely alive. Kakashi did what he could to save her, but I don't think there was anything we could have done."
Sakura motioned for Genma to follow her, pulling the rollaway with her supplies behind her. She grabbed a new surgical mask from the dispenser and tightened it around her ears.
"After all this time. Everything just..." She shook her head and prepared her mind for surgery. The tips of her fingers began to glow, felt hot and cold all at once. "What of the insurgents?" Sakura asked.
Genma laughed once, a laughter full of sadness and grief and exhaustion. "Well, what do you think? They wanted the Copy nin, and they got exactly what they wanted."
The medic assisting Genma called him into the open exam room. He nodded good-bye to Sakura.
"He gave them hell."
-----
Kakashi awoke as she was sewing up his shoulder, where a kunai had ripped through tender muscle that she had gingerly pressed back together all through the night. The surgery was a success, and his lungs, ribs, and broken bones were on the mend. Sakura's chakra was nearly gone, but her hands were still stable, repairing his skin the old-fashioned way. It would scar, but what was one more to add to the collection of scars they had both accumulated over a lifetime?
He made a grunting sort of noise, and she watched, enraptured by the way his light eyelashes fluttered, and the way his Adam's apple rolled against his throat. He was finally starting to look the age that everyone thought he was, evidenced by the tiny wrinkles that lined the corners of his eyes and around his mouth. There was a bit of blood on his lip, and she wiped it away with a wet cloth. His lips were soft, she supposed it was because they were usually under his mask and kept away from outside conditions. The bit of moisture from the cloth stayed on his lips, collecting in little beds in the creases of his mouth.
To think that all the women she knew only got to see a fourth of his incredible face...
She swallowed, and knotted off the stitch she was working on. She spoke to him softly--even a whisper was loud in the early morning hours, in an empty hospital.
"How are you feeling?" she asked.
He blinked a few times, then looked down at her handiwork. His head hit the pillow again and he inhaled sharply. "Could be better."
She nodded. She didn't understand why, but she felt the familiar prickle of tears pulling at her cheeks, her nose, and the insides of her eyes. Her hand started shaking a bit and she had to stop. She felt his hand on top of her arm, patting it softly, like he had done every Sunday for five years.
"...could be worse," he murmured.
Sakura looked at him then, and knew that although Naruto's absence was like a missing puzzle piece, the loss of Kakashi would have been paralyzing, like throwing the puzzle into a fire. Was this how he felt about Rin? Would the loss be too much for him? Had she condemned a girl to death for the sake of her own happiness? Who was she to measure her loneliness in units, in scars, and compare them like battle wounds, some given more merit than others?
"Kakashi," she began, words already like liquid in her mouth. Her lips were shaking, unable to form anything correctly, like speaking for the very first time. "Kakashi, I--"
"I said good-bye," he said softly, with a finality that Sakura did not expect. His head lulled to one side. The scar across his eye was an angry red, betraying the serene nature of his expression. "To Rin. I said good-bye to Rin."
She was taken aback by what he said, unable to interpret it as an apology, an accusation, or a resolution. She didn't know the difference anymore. Her life was so infected with pain and loss, she had passed it on, spreading it like a disease of sorrow. She had spread it to the one person that had served her the only fragments of happiness she had enjoyed in recent memory.
But, strangely, even though she could see now what resembled loneliness in his eyes, he was rejecting her sorrow, and replacing it with something else.
He breathed deeply. His lung would heal neatly, at least.
"I'm so sorry, Kakashi," she whispered, holding back the sob that was lodged in her throat, threatening to choke her. His forgiveness was almost too much to bear.
"It's over," he said finally. He patted her arm again. "It's over."
She leaned forward to kiss the top of his hand, where she had repaired some tissue damage earlier. The feel of her hand in his was mercy, and she held on tightly.
She suddenly recalled a day at the academy when she came upon a group of boys outside who were crowded around an ant hill. Upon closer observation, they pointed out that some ants were still alive, with only two segments of their bodies still in tact, or sometimes with only four or five legs. To keep up with the demand of their queen, these ants would find others like themselves, and find ways to use their broken bodies and work together to fulfill the needs of the colony. They would walk together, work together, as one unit, to survive.
She held on tightly to him, because they both knew that they were broken. It may take months, maybe years for them to find each other, but they would survive.
-----
The next Sunday, Sakura visited the Memorial.
It had been awhile since she was last here, but there were always visitors, and the flowers around and on the stone were still fresh. She took off her shoes and dragged her bare feet across the grass. She supposed that, in a way, people might come here to mourn the loss of these things forgotten in the process of growing up, of being young. When there was so much joy in life, like in the feel of the grass between her toes, the smell of the cherry blossom trees in full bloom, and the colors of the famous Konoha sky.
She had never really brought flowers to the stone herself, but today she set a single yellow lily on top of the Memorial, delicately balancing it so that it stayed in place.
She sat down in the grass, the ground cooling off now that the sun was going down. She didn't mind.
"You're not supposed to be out of bed," she said to the air.
She turned her head to see Kakashi walking over to her slowly. His shoulder was supposed to be in a sling, but, of course, it was hanging free against his side. He waved with his good arm, and shook his head when she began to get up to help him.
"You're supposed to be at your house enjoying my remarkable cooking," he replied. Eventually, he took her hand, settling in beside her and leaning back on his elbow.
"How did you find me?" she asked. She copied his stance, leaning back on her elbows, but still keeping the monument in her view.
"Personal favorite thinking spot," he said.
Sakura sighed. "There's been a lot to think about."
She tilted her head to look at him. He was looking straight at the names carved into stone. She was positive he knew the locations of the names of all his loved ones, names that had been there since the first time he laid eyes on the Monument, and names still fresh and ready to be worn by age. A particular name carved too soon, but still had a place.
"Hn." He breathed in slowly, and she wondered if he can still smell the flowers.
Sakura sat up and hugged her knees to her chest. "Dinner next Sunday?" she asked sheepishly.
"Sure," he answered. "And, if we're feeling adventurous, maybe on other days. As in, in addition to, and not in lieu of."
She smiled sadly. "Sometimes I feel like that's all I really have in this world are those dinners with you, and nothing else."
He paused in contemplation, running his hand through the blades of grass at his fingertips. "It's all I have left. But, sometimes, it starts as being the only thing you have, and becomes the only thing you really needed after all."
A comfortable silence spread between them. Sakura wondered when the silence had gone from anxious and desperate, to containing such serenity. Their lifelong roads to achieving peace seemed without end, but perhaps they were turning a corner, at the monument, at the stem of a yellow lily.
The sunset was not as vivid that night, as it had been before. But, it was beautiful, and constant.
-end-