Sympathetic Noose
Title: Sympathetic Noose
Time Frame: 201-202
Rating: R
Summary: Song fic Inspired by BRMC's "Sympathetic Noose"
Warnings: Language, sexual situations, angsty Brian.
Author's Note: No beta, all mistakes are mine. Feel free to correct, I welcome it.
Disclaimer : No they aren't mine. But I would gladly meet CowLip & Showtime in a fight to the death for the rights!
I got a feeling I can't lose,
I stand here night after night watching you sleep. You never sleep soundly anymore. I remember when I couldn't wake you up for anything. Now the slightest sounds or bad dreams rip you from slumber. God this WAS NOT how it was supposed to happen. We should be in my loft fucking right now, or talking about college, or me bitching about our NON-Relationship. Anything else but this, any-fucking-where else than here right now. Snorting this popper won't help....much. But I don't know what the fuck else to do.
"Crummy day?" What the fuck do you think? The man--boy--twink--whateverthefuck that I lo- *ahem* care about almost fucking DIED.
"Yeah, but what's a little rain?" I'll bitch her out another day. As much as I loathe to say it I just don't have the energy right now, Mikey's little speech took it out of me.
"How about some hot tea? Or I could I fix you up a soup in a cup? Though it's got enough sodium to stifle horse. Oh, by the way Miguel, you know, who works Tuesdays and Thursday, he was tossing the ball with him today. He said his hand was improving but he still has his outbursts when he gets frustrated."
Christ, of course he has outbursts. He has brain damage for fucksakes.
"Well, there must be something you can give him."
"Drugs can't fix everything." Bullshit.
"Where did you hear that?"
"If you ask me, what would help you the most is if he knew you came here every--" I didn't fucking ask you. And he doesn't need to know, it won't help shit, he'll still be broken. And it will still be my fault.
"No."
***
I got a sympathetic noose,
Goddamnit Mikey! I do NOT want to be having this conversation. How the fuck are you supposed to be my best friend and you are not able to tell this?? And furthermore why the fuck don't you just come out and say you're moving back instead of keeping up this charade?
Can't you just come have a drink with me and help me try to erase all this from my mind? Can't you see that's what I need?
"Look, save your worried-wife routine for the doc and, uh, come with me to Woody's."
"I don't want... to go to Woody's..." Yes you do. You want to go anywhere I'll be right now, because you're lonely and you think you need to fix me.
"C'mon, it's part of the tour. On your left a nostalgic recreation of your misspent youth, you'll love it."
"Yeah, sure."
"I stink, I need a shower" Although these days it seems no matter how much I scrub, something just won't wash off. I see it on my hands, my face, my chest, I see it all the time. And I feel it when I close my eyes. Warm, sticky, the smell gags me. Bitter and coppery. And I know why. I wear it all the time. I NEED to. Before that night I never thought my actions had any real consequence. Although before that night I never thought I would care for someone the way I did about him. I didn't even know I was capable of it.
And I need it because it's the closest thing I have to you right now. To what we had. Before some psychotic jock with a Louisville slugger ruined it. Turned something ridiculously romantic into something hideous and horrifying.
***
But I don't know how to be grateful,
"The doctor said, if Chris Hobbs hit me a fraction of an inch this way or that way or a different angle or even a little bit harder I would be a complete vegetable, or dead. As it is the only damage is the cerebral motorstrang."
The only damage? There shouldn't be ANY fucking damage. If I had just gone to Babylon instead. If I had pushed you away harder, not let you get under my skin. None of this would've happened. Just like now, I can't tell you these things. If you know you'll never leave, and that's what you need. You'll just keep getting hurt if you stay with me.
"Is that where they drag race in your brain?"
"No, it's a part of the cerebral motor cortex that controls motor skills." Can you really not tell I was being facetious? You used to be able to....before...God you're so different now. Where are you??
"I know what it is. I attended eighth grade." Well, most of it anyway.
"They had to drill through my skull to release all the blood."
"Cool." God, I don't want to think about that.
"They said that I'd never draw again." FUCK! NO! That is bullshit, you will. That's who you are, you'll find a way. You always find a way to get what you want. I mean look at ME for fucksakes.
"Yeah, well they're always telling people they'll never walk again, or draw again, or piss again, so when you finally do you'll think they're geniuses, and they can charge you whatever the fuck they want."
"Why didn't you come and see me?" I did. Every night. Every. Single. Fucking. Night. But I can't let you know how freaked out I was. How scared. You can never know.
"What for?"
"Considering I was in a coma for two weeks and rehab for a month, trying to relearn how to throw a fucking whiffle ball." I know. I know it all. God I want so much to touch you right now. It's been too long, though I can still remember exactly how you smell. NO. I won't let you do this again.
"You know, if you really want to regain the agility and strength in your hand, I suggest jerking off several times a day. It works like magic."
"You've should at least called to see if I'm still alive."
"I'm sure I would have heard if you weren't. Besides I'm not you're occupational therapist, not your trauma specialist, not even you're goddamn mother so there's nothing that I could have done for you." You see? I WAS there. The old you would've picked up on all that.
Yeah I don't know how you're thankful,
For a split second a look ghosts across your face, but then it's gone.
"I still don't remember to anything. Last thing I do remember is you telling me that you wouldn't come to my prom. But they say that you did show up after all. And that we danced together. And that was amazing. Daphne said that we were amazing. "
Your face is so jubilant, almost like it was when I showed up. But you don't remember how we danced. It was like we practiced for hours, it was beautiful. YOU were beautiful.
"We were alright."
"Shit. I wish I could remember that." I wish you could too, it would make this all so much easier. And so much harder. You smile falters, and your face scrunches slightly. I see you trying to remember...
"And then I walked with you back up to your jeep and that's when Chris Hobbs came at me with a baseball bat..." HUH? How do you??
"I thought you said you couldn't remember?" ???
"I can't, it's stuff that other people told me. It's like a story that happened to somebody else." Well it didn't happen to someone else. I fucking happened to you, I know I was there.
"Yeah, well, I can remember. I can remember everything!" God my chest hurts, where did all the air go? I need to get away, I need to....
"I saw him. He was coming after you with a bat." I feel you looking at me. Yes there's more, I wish to God there wasn't but...
"But he was moving too fast, and you were too far away." Might as well have been the other side of the fucking world.
"And I ran," I've never run so fast in all my life.
" but there was no time to stop him." If only I'd been a little faster, if only I'd made you come with me...
"And then he swung," I will never forget that sound as long as I live. It haunts my dreams, I hear it everytime I look at you.
"and it was too late." I was too late.
"There was nothing I could do." I've never felt so helpless in all my life.
"And then you just laid there on the cold cement." There was so much blood. I'd never seen so much blood. I didn't even know people COULD bleed that much and still live. And you almost didn't. Twice in the ambulance you... I feel my eyes burning and you coming up behind me.
"It wasn't your fault." You don't remember. How can you say that? It WAS my fault.
You come around to look at me, I can only imagine what my face looks like. I try to compose myself as best I can.
Your hand grabs my shoulder gently, the first touch we've shared in too long. But I can't look at you, I don't want you to see. You shake me gently and force me to meet your gaze.
"Hey. It. Wasn't. Your. Fault." You punctuate your words with gentle shakes trying to convey your message. I can only stare into your eyes, I see that you believe what you say, but I can't.
You stroke my arm reassuringly and pull me into your embrace. I don't even try to fight it, I just wrap around you gently. You feel real, you feel warm, you feel like home. I've missed this, missed you. I love you. I wish I could find my voice to say it now, but I can't. So I close my eyes and breathe in your scent, the same as always. And for a minute I feel like everything might be ok afterall.
***
I've got a feeling I can't lose
"The day they sent him home from the hospital, the doctor said he'd never seen such a determined patient, and then he asked what it was that made him work so hard. I knew but I didn't tell him - it was you. Every day that you didn't come to see him was more incentive for him to get better so he could get out and he come and see you. Of course, what Justin didn't know, and I didn't tell him, was that you were there, every night. The nurse on duty told me." That bitch. Fucking spy. You'd better not tell him...
"I want to thank you for that. But he's home now, safe and sound, and there isn't any reason anymorefor you to watch over him, so I would like you to leave. And never see him again."
Never again? But I just got him back. You don't understand, I can't be without him, I can't...you don't know, you have to know...
"I care about him."
"It was because of you, he was almost killed." Holy shit. I can't argue on that, but way to go for the jugular. I think I'm going to be sick.
"-Forgive me for being so blunt. I've tried to accept him for who he is. To accept your world and his part of it. I've even tried to accept you. And as a result, I nearly lost him. And I don't intend to lose him again. So, if you really care about him, and I believe you do, you'll do what I ask, and return my son to me."
But I...I need him. Although I guess this isn't about what I need. I did almost get him killed, I'm not safe to be around. So I have to give him back. Why does this hurt so fucking much??
I got a sympathetic noose
I can barely keep upright and walk normally back to my Jeep. This scarf feels like a lead weight, but I need it now more than ever. Because I'm never going to see him again. THIS is exactly the reason I don't do this.
***
You gotta keep your head up,
You gotta let yourself get through
"I know -- it seems like only yesterday I was jacking off into that cup." Well I might've called in a little assistance from that male nurse....
"And you and Michael and Justin were tearing into the room. You couldn't believe you had a son." Not just a son.
"Two sons." I miss him.
"Why don't you give his mother a call and see how he's doing?" Fuck. Stop doing that thing. That "Lindsay" thing you do, where you're all perceptive. I fucking hate that.
"She doesn't want me to see him again." and he SHOULDN'T want to see me again.
"I know, but maybe when you spoke to her..." Not gonna happen.
"No, she's right. It's better this way." Time for a subject change. And this swing set just happens to be pissing me off royally anyway.
"Fuck! Maybe I'll have it built in time for your wedding."
***
All you ever dream,
Lifts you up too high
"Brian, Brian!" Is it really him? I've dreamt about him coming back to me so many nights I can't be sure.
This door feels heavier than before.
"I'm glad it's you." No he's really here, but he's not supposed to be. He can't be, it's not safe.
"Who else would it be?" Keep it together, don't let him see. Cruel to be kind. Whoeverthefuck thought that up never cared for anyone.
"Where are you going?" It literally hurts me to push you back out. It feels like I've been punched. So much worse than anything Jack ever did to me.
"In." Like it's that simple. Well it's fucking not.
"Did I say you could?"
"Don't give me any shit, all right? I nearly freaked out five times getting here." I knew it, you snuck away. She doesn't even know you left. Great, fucking great.
"Well, you're gonna have to nearly freak out five more times getting home." Out of all the things to retain, it had to be your persistance. Twat. I want to smirk, but then I remember what I'm SUPPOSED to be doing.
"I want to see you." And you have no idea how much I want to see you.
"Well, you can't."
"Why not? Are you fucking some guy?" Your eyes dart around my loft. Don't worry Sunshine, it's only us. It's only ever been us, except now it's just going to be me.
"None of you're fucking business. Now go away!" Did this fucking door get HEAVIER?? The look on your face...
"But why? WHY?!?!?"
My back pressed against the door; I slide down until I'm sitting. I feel the tears flowing down my face, but I don't try to stop them. I know I can't. So I just try my best to sob quietly so you won't here me. You beat at my door for ten minutes, working yourself into hysterics. 10 fucking minutes. All I want to do is open the fucking thing and hold you. Wipe your face, kiss you, and never let go. I hug my knees tighter and sob freely when I hear you leave. After a while I'm able to scrape myself off the floor long enough to find a bottle of Beam and then fall into bed.
As all your expectations,
Leave a hole inside
***
I got a feeling in my boots
I gotta make some sense of you
Well I did not expect this. What the hell else could you possibly want from me?
"I came at the wrong time."
"You two have a lot in common." Maybe my cock and this trick will be enough to make Mother Taylor run for the hills.
"May I come in?" Guess not. Must be important.
"This place is very...glamourous." Could you have picked a more disgusted tone? Why the fuck are you here??
"It does the trick." Or I do rather, but I think she gets my point.
"I'm sure. You know if you ever feel like selling I'm a realtor now." Are you serious? What. The. Fuck.
"He's not here."
"I know. That's why I came, to ask you a favor." NO fucking way.
"I already did you one." Are you getting early onset Alzheimer's? WHAT DO YOU WANT??
"Yeah but, um, this one's for him." Oh. Well that changes things.
"I want you to take him." HUH?
"Excuse me?"
"I want you to take my son." Are you out of your fucking mind???
"Mrs. Taylor..."
"Jennifer."
"Whatever, what the fuck are you talking about?" Seriously, fill me in. Cause I definitely missed the memo on this one.
"He...won't let anyone touch him, let anyone near him, shows practically no emotion except when he's in one of his rages, or when he wakes up screaming from a nightmare, but that's not even the worst part. The worst part is standing there, helpless. Do you have any idea what that feels like?" Helpless?? You have no fucking idea. You think all that is bad? You didn't see him after....
"What would you like me to do?" Spell it out, because I'm feeling a little short bus today.
"Touch him, help him be touched." Uh...
"You want me to fuck him?"
"You're the one he trusts. If that's what it takes." This is feeling very Twilight Zone right now...First I can't see him, now you want me to fuck him. Which is it?? Make up your fucking mind because I can't do this if you're just going to ask me to leave again. I won't be able to.
"I thought you never wanted me to see him again?"
"I don't, but um, if I'm ever gonna see my son even remotely resemble the person he was, I don't have a choice."
Fine. But once you hand him over he's mine.
***
Cos I don't know how to be careful
You seem so cautious, so fragile as you get into bed. Normally you would jump right in and try to snuggle up to me. I'd be fighting to get you to stop. I miss that. Now you lay so far away, so stiff. You were never this unsure. And I don't know how to make it better. So I'll just try to do what I do best and pray it works.
"What are you doin' all the way over there? Come closer. You wanna lose some of the clothes? You might get over heated."
You chuckle and take off your shirt. Your pale skin shines in the blue lights, and you're really here. Here and mine. I want you so much right now. I lean in and we stare at each other as I take off your underwear. I kiss you gently, but only once. I want to be in you so badly, waiting isn't an option I'm entertaining.
"Roll over." And you do, if somewhat slowly, but it's been awhile. This reminds me, so I try to take my time a little. I look at you trying to gauge your readyness as I prepare myself. I move over you and slide my thigh up between yours, spreading your legs for me. The aniticipation is making me harder than I've ever been in my entire life. I kiss along your shoulder as I start to enter you, I only get an inch in when you stop me.
"No. Don't. Don't. I can't."
Yeah I don't know how to be there for.
I can sense how frustrated you are at this, you probably think I am too. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed that we weren't going to fuck. But I want you to feel comfortable with it, it would be nothing if you weren't really there with me. So I can wait. It's really not a big deal. I just want you better.
I slide up behind you and try to be reassuring, though I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.
"It's ok."
"It's NOT ok!" Yeah. Well....shit. I hate to say this but I think I'm a little out of my depth on this one. And maybe, just maybe, Imightneedprofessionalhelp. *ahem*
***
I got a feeling I can't prove.
"Your son's gonna be a professional baseball player!"
"Yeah well, if you make a man out of him I'm gonna hold you personally responsible."
And then suddenly I am cursing whoever invented little plastic Playskool bats.
I see your smile fall and then fear overtake your features. You start to back away, shaking. So I move in and hold you close, you cling onto me for dear life. What the fuck just happened? Whatever is was I am freaked the fuck out. And there's that helpless feeling again. I wish I knew how to fix you.
***
I got a sympathetic noose.
"It's a good thing one of us remembered." I still can't believe that out of all the things that would make you remember, a plastic copy of the thing that bashed your head in did the trick.
You kiss me softly, hand on my chest, but I hold back. I don't want to force anything. You pull away slightly and give me the oddest look, then start to pull something from under my.....oh shit. I have no fucking clue what to say about this. I never meant for you to find.....FUCK!
I see the look of recognition take hold in your eyes as you gaze at the bloodstained silk. We look at each other. I can't deny it, so I don't. But I'm not saying anything either. You toss the scarf and scoot closer to me. And this look you have in your eyes. So trusting, so vulnerable. Like that first night I brought you here. You know that I could hurt you, but you trust me not to.
"I want you inside me." Oh god. I want this, but is this what you want? Or are you just doing it because you think it's what I want?
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. Just take it easy." I feel something burst inside. This is different, this is going to be different. I knew that the first time too.
"Like the first time?"
Your soft laugh and gentle smile as you begin to undress me is my undoing. I love you. I want to say it, but I just can't. So I will try to show you instead. The only way I truly know how.
It's slow and more careful than I've ever been. We are fused together and my heart races faster than I ever thought it could. I feel it, I know it. This is love. I think maybe I was searching for it all along. I hope it never goes away.
All you ever dream
lifts you up too high.