(no subject)
random noncece and thoughts ...
the color blue is realy nice ... like i have always liked it ... growing up till now it has always been my favoret color, i wear blue alot and seeing others where blue makes me smile.
girls are confusing, i like them they make me smile ... and yet so many of them through out my life time have hurt me, or made me realy upset, or even worse been great to me and than just let up and not felt anything for me or THE ABSALUTE WORST ... liked me at WAY the wrong time in my life.
he droped out of a plain ... he drped out of a plain AFTER being given that chinese shit TWICE ... AND BEING SHOT ... and STILL he blinked ... why the fuck did he blink they had to go and ruin the movie with him blinking dident they.
i watched alot of movies tonight ... and i had almost forgoten how much i LOVE chasing amy ... it is probably the best of the kevin smith movies ... ok no we all know that is a lie ... that would be mall rats but whatever.
i have no drive to go to school today ... like seriously i dont want to ... not one bit. but i am going to go ... not to stats but to shakespear and physical acting ...
there are so many things going on in my mind right now. i dont even know what i want to say and i only ever end up loging on in here when there is something on my mind i realy need to get out ... hence this REALY long post because i seriously plan on continuing untill i pass out or figure it out. one or the other and it realy does not matter to me which one happenes first.
i want to be happy, i do ... and i have no idea what will make me happy, i coast alot ... like i just kind of skim the serfice of emotion so i don't hurt others, so i can dilute the hurt others cause me, and just so i can keep on going with out breaking down ... but i think it is leading to a break down and that scares me. Also i rarely tell people what i think of them ... i don't know why but i don't.
i think i need to just get it all out ... i am just SO scared of the truth... the 100 percent un alterd, un diluted, un embelished truth... i always have been, it is just to much for me to handle. this world that i have no control over... that i just impose a little bit of control over it. i think that is what makes this telling people how i feel so hard, if i tell you than i nolonger have any control over what happens it is all on you and i do NOT like being helpless.
i realy like her ... like i don't know what the proper way to explain it would be ... i don't love her ... i don't know her well enough to love her, but i just can't imagine her not being around anymore, i don't know what life would be like had i not met her, nor can i imagine it with her not in it anymore.
there are other people i have felt like this with other friends other girls... but i dont know how or why but this one is different than even those times.
also damn it i miss sean lol.
i dont know why the world does what it does ... nor why it fells the need (whatever it may be) to keep me out of the loop, but it is driving me mad.
wow i got a lot out of me ... i am feeling it all just flow at this point and it is a realy good but just crushing and depletingly draining feeling.
here is a list of people that have meant a lot to me that i have never realy thanked for all they have done in makeing me the person i am today that, allthough they will most likely never see this i would like to thank.
My bialogical father ... had he not been the horible person he is, had he not abused my mother and himself, I would never have been left with just my mother, and i would have never been half as close with her as i am now, nor would i have met my REAL father mike.
Mike, i am more and more like him each day, or at least mom says so all the time, and from anyone else that would probably be insulting but for her to tell me that i remind her of the man she loves that much, the man she loves more than life it's self ... that means the world.
i thank my mom evrey day but i should still at least put her down.
J.D. ... John made me the person i am now... willing to stand up for what i believ in, generous with friends, and NOT someone you want to cross, avid lover of all things meat, and totaly against the eating of vegetables.
luke the little bro i never had and always wanted... we have been through tons and well i would never have learned to step up and protexct my loved ones by any means necisary if not for protecting him ... he is both my greatest succes and my worst failure rolled into one.
Emily ... how a kid as young as me can develop a crush as hardcore as i had on this girl i don't know... and how two people could have SUCH bad timing i do not know and still yet how one person who held SUCH different beliefes and views on EVREYTHING could be such a close frien i will never begin to understand.
K.C. ... i have NEVER actualy spelt out this girls name lol. i meet her through emily and she was just such a fun loveing person ... i realy admire her greatly open heart.
Nicole ... well lets just say she is nicole ... forth of july had never been so great before i met her (even if it was seans birthday) ... nore has it ever been as sweet since we stoped hanging out. emily was my first crush ... but nicole tought me alot about what it was to have a friend so good you could confuse her for bot a sister, a crush, a therapist lol, and a match maker.
Greg ... he was the one who had all the answers ... mike made the plans (not the good ones lol) bu greg was the one who made shore that we all, that I made it through ok, and all those who say he was nothing but a second in command ... always looking to step in the ground half way between john and mike are so close to corect and yet so far from encompasing how great of a person he was it is astounding.
all of the guys now have given me a small part of myself back ... a small thing each in there own way ... there own small contribution.
and Hicks ... he is giving me a chance to pay it all foword as it was, the chance to make trhe world right and pay off my carma.
it makes me sad that i am nothing but a product of my experiances, a small part of evreyone i have meet, but i can not thank the fates enough ... thank god enough ... thank what ever it is that is out there enough for leting those people that have shaped me be the ones i have had ... and not some other group of people , ones that may have lead me down a path FAR more traveled as aposed to helping me walk the one i tread upon today.
i believ that is what i had to write ... and i would like to thank all of you who actualy read this entire thing ... and
p.s.
Pete if you read this i did not forget you nore did i just lump you in with the other guys ... but your contribution has transended words ... it has been a guidance within more so than any act you have done outside ... if not for you i would be a hollow shell, a small part of what i am today, and far less morily, mentaly, or pshyciatricly available... i would have shut down YEARS ago.
and P.S.S.
this is NOT a suicide note ... it is nothing near as morbid lol. i am just ranting and raving trying to clear my mind ... and i find no way beter to do that than to type evreything that is comeing to mind as best i can before it moves on.
but thank you for your concern if you thought that at any point during this rant.
the color blue is realy nice ... like i have always liked it ... growing up till now it has always been my favoret color, i wear blue alot and seeing others where blue makes me smile.
girls are confusing, i like them they make me smile ... and yet so many of them through out my life time have hurt me, or made me realy upset, or even worse been great to me and than just let up and not felt anything for me or THE ABSALUTE WORST ... liked me at WAY the wrong time in my life.
he droped out of a plain ... he drped out of a plain AFTER being given that chinese shit TWICE ... AND BEING SHOT ... and STILL he blinked ... why the fuck did he blink they had to go and ruin the movie with him blinking dident they.
i watched alot of movies tonight ... and i had almost forgoten how much i LOVE chasing amy ... it is probably the best of the kevin smith movies ... ok no we all know that is a lie ... that would be mall rats but whatever.
i have no drive to go to school today ... like seriously i dont want to ... not one bit. but i am going to go ... not to stats but to shakespear and physical acting ...
there are so many things going on in my mind right now. i dont even know what i want to say and i only ever end up loging on in here when there is something on my mind i realy need to get out ... hence this REALY long post because i seriously plan on continuing untill i pass out or figure it out. one or the other and it realy does not matter to me which one happenes first.
i want to be happy, i do ... and i have no idea what will make me happy, i coast alot ... like i just kind of skim the serfice of emotion so i don't hurt others, so i can dilute the hurt others cause me, and just so i can keep on going with out breaking down ... but i think it is leading to a break down and that scares me. Also i rarely tell people what i think of them ... i don't know why but i don't.
i think i need to just get it all out ... i am just SO scared of the truth... the 100 percent un alterd, un diluted, un embelished truth... i always have been, it is just to much for me to handle. this world that i have no control over... that i just impose a little bit of control over it. i think that is what makes this telling people how i feel so hard, if i tell you than i nolonger have any control over what happens it is all on you and i do NOT like being helpless.
i realy like her ... like i don't know what the proper way to explain it would be ... i don't love her ... i don't know her well enough to love her, but i just can't imagine her not being around anymore, i don't know what life would be like had i not met her, nor can i imagine it with her not in it anymore.
there are other people i have felt like this with other friends other girls... but i dont know how or why but this one is different than even those times.
also damn it i miss sean lol.
i dont know why the world does what it does ... nor why it fells the need (whatever it may be) to keep me out of the loop, but it is driving me mad.
wow i got a lot out of me ... i am feeling it all just flow at this point and it is a realy good but just crushing and depletingly draining feeling.
here is a list of people that have meant a lot to me that i have never realy thanked for all they have done in makeing me the person i am today that, allthough they will most likely never see this i would like to thank.
My bialogical father ... had he not been the horible person he is, had he not abused my mother and himself, I would never have been left with just my mother, and i would have never been half as close with her as i am now, nor would i have met my REAL father mike.
Mike, i am more and more like him each day, or at least mom says so all the time, and from anyone else that would probably be insulting but for her to tell me that i remind her of the man she loves that much, the man she loves more than life it's self ... that means the world.
i thank my mom evrey day but i should still at least put her down.
J.D. ... John made me the person i am now... willing to stand up for what i believ in, generous with friends, and NOT someone you want to cross, avid lover of all things meat, and totaly against the eating of vegetables.
luke the little bro i never had and always wanted... we have been through tons and well i would never have learned to step up and protexct my loved ones by any means necisary if not for protecting him ... he is both my greatest succes and my worst failure rolled into one.
Emily ... how a kid as young as me can develop a crush as hardcore as i had on this girl i don't know... and how two people could have SUCH bad timing i do not know and still yet how one person who held SUCH different beliefes and views on EVREYTHING could be such a close frien i will never begin to understand.
K.C. ... i have NEVER actualy spelt out this girls name lol. i meet her through emily and she was just such a fun loveing person ... i realy admire her greatly open heart.
Nicole ... well lets just say she is nicole ... forth of july had never been so great before i met her (even if it was seans birthday) ... nore has it ever been as sweet since we stoped hanging out. emily was my first crush ... but nicole tought me alot about what it was to have a friend so good you could confuse her for bot a sister, a crush, a therapist lol, and a match maker.
Greg ... he was the one who had all the answers ... mike made the plans (not the good ones lol) bu greg was the one who made shore that we all, that I made it through ok, and all those who say he was nothing but a second in command ... always looking to step in the ground half way between john and mike are so close to corect and yet so far from encompasing how great of a person he was it is astounding.
all of the guys now have given me a small part of myself back ... a small thing each in there own way ... there own small contribution.
and Hicks ... he is giving me a chance to pay it all foword as it was, the chance to make trhe world right and pay off my carma.
it makes me sad that i am nothing but a product of my experiances, a small part of evreyone i have meet, but i can not thank the fates enough ... thank god enough ... thank what ever it is that is out there enough for leting those people that have shaped me be the ones i have had ... and not some other group of people , ones that may have lead me down a path FAR more traveled as aposed to helping me walk the one i tread upon today.
i believ that is what i had to write ... and i would like to thank all of you who actualy read this entire thing ... and
p.s.
Pete if you read this i did not forget you nore did i just lump you in with the other guys ... but your contribution has transended words ... it has been a guidance within more so than any act you have done outside ... if not for you i would be a hollow shell, a small part of what i am today, and far less morily, mentaly, or pshyciatricly available... i would have shut down YEARS ago.
and P.S.S.
this is NOT a suicide note ... it is nothing near as morbid lol. i am just ranting and raving trying to clear my mind ... and i find no way beter to do that than to type evreything that is comeing to mind as best i can before it moves on.
but thank you for your concern if you thought that at any point during this rant.