Angst & incoherent thoughts. And the only time I've ever asked for comments.
My heart has only been broken once before. When my sister moved out of the house in my junior year of high school, without notice. My parents and I came home one afternoon and she was finishing packing her belongings in her car. It still makes me cry to remember how I felt in the instant I realized what was happening. And then when I saw her at school, she tried to talk to me, but I was filled with so much anger and sadness at the same time that I couldn't speak for the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. It was completely debilitating. I felt like I was going to explode.
That sort of heartbreak left me filled with emotion. My current heartbreak has left me rather numb.
My heart has never been broken by any one boy. It has, however, suffered innumerable fractures from every boy I've ever had feelings for.
This last crack, I fear, has finally caused a piece of my heart to break, though it was no more significant than any of my other fractures. There have just been too many for too long with no good relationships to offset the bad [or, mainly, nonexistant].
Every single guy I've ever had feelings for has let me down in some way. Or maybe I let myself down, because it's not fair to blame others if all they did was not like me [I've done this as well, of course]. But no matter who is at fault in each situation, I always seem to be left lonely and confused.
And, yes, I get over it. I move on. But it continues. And I get the most hurt when I think my feelings may be reciprocated and then I have the crashing realization that I was wrong all along, or even worse, that I was right and then something changed. And I always blame myself. Who else could I blame?
So I don't know what I'm doing now. Not that I ever knew, but I feel rather hopeless at the moment. I never am actively looking for boys; the ones I like are ones I meet by chance. And I get attached way too easily. Honestly, I have no idea how to deal with boys; I have no confidence, no experience, and I am scared to death. I don't even know where to start.
So to the few boys who have never let me down [you probably know who you are], I thank you.
And to the rest of you: I don't know what to say. Frick.
I'm tired of it. But I don't know what to do to change it.
I would love to get some feedback. I'm not really asking for advice or sympathy or anything so simple. I guess I just want to know that someone has read this.
Someone please say something.
That sort of heartbreak left me filled with emotion. My current heartbreak has left me rather numb.
My heart has never been broken by any one boy. It has, however, suffered innumerable fractures from every boy I've ever had feelings for.
This last crack, I fear, has finally caused a piece of my heart to break, though it was no more significant than any of my other fractures. There have just been too many for too long with no good relationships to offset the bad [or, mainly, nonexistant].
Every single guy I've ever had feelings for has let me down in some way. Or maybe I let myself down, because it's not fair to blame others if all they did was not like me [I've done this as well, of course]. But no matter who is at fault in each situation, I always seem to be left lonely and confused.
And, yes, I get over it. I move on. But it continues. And I get the most hurt when I think my feelings may be reciprocated and then I have the crashing realization that I was wrong all along, or even worse, that I was right and then something changed. And I always blame myself. Who else could I blame?
So I don't know what I'm doing now. Not that I ever knew, but I feel rather hopeless at the moment. I never am actively looking for boys; the ones I like are ones I meet by chance. And I get attached way too easily. Honestly, I have no idea how to deal with boys; I have no confidence, no experience, and I am scared to death. I don't even know where to start.
So to the few boys who have never let me down [you probably know who you are], I thank you.
And to the rest of you: I don't know what to say. Frick.
I'm tired of it. But I don't know what to do to change it.
I would love to get some feedback. I'm not really asking for advice or sympathy or anything so simple. I guess I just want to know that someone has read this.
Someone please say something.