collection
we walk along, so often it seems, with these little secrets and bullets and counterbalance, weighing down our pocket thoughts. the change to pay the toll...
then comes sunlight revelation, eyes suddenly open to the path and peril waiting. when darkness shed such concern. we walk alone. safer somehow, that someone else can see us. that streetlight shadow is chased away.
but then, there are others now. many more, and they just dont understand. they look on curious and apathetic. they are all around.
suddenly, these secrets are seen, these pockets overflow, and you have carried too much of this too far. suddenly you are surrounded.
and then what. then all this struggle is for nothing. the fight, the fear...strength, old friend, that is all that remains. that you will stand here, or turn and fade away. either way it ends. and when long lost light returns, it will find none of this again. how will you let it go. no, how do you make it let go of you. strength.
empty your pockets, pay the toll. and go....Updated about a month ago · Comment · LikeUnlike You like this.
25 ThingsShare
This is stupid. if you dony already know these things, then your heads up your ass so far that you cant see me. which is fine, because it means noone can see you, either. and your breath smells like shit. for all the real life humans, i did this for you.
(1) I think nothing is beautiful, nothing is ugly. it just is. and cant be changed.
(2) I want to be nothing. I never have. whatever heights i reach are sheer mistake.
(3) I wish i were quiet. i talk too much because my mind is too fast for me. to keep up i have to sometimes start saying things out loud as they pass thru my thoghts. i talk to distract others until i can figure out an escape. and the more i talk about something the less interested i am. its just my brain is on autopiluot because im a million miles away.
(4) i am the happiest when i seem sad. my smile is a coverup. at quiet and still, i am somewhat at peace. i like to hide somewhere small and quiet and think.
(5) i have never had a good night sleep. not even as a child. my parents worried for many years, until it wasnt worth worrying anymore. it is something i dont think i have missed, though i stuggle for it often.
(6) I dont think my body is strong enough. i push so far and always assumed my body could keep up. i am proven wrong from time to time. I break it, and try to figure out how...
(7) I am brutally aware of my size. it has always been a contested thing, that what i do could be done by me. i used to agree, and look at myself in disbelief. and compensate with vicious reaction. trying to prove something to someone, only now, there is little left to prove. it makes for something of a civil war. time has passed though, and few still see weakness in my size.
(8) I miss home. i miss what it was. i do not long for what it has become. my city has proved as weak as its children, and as corrupt as its fathers. it will not ever be what it was. because of this, nor will i.
(9) I am almost always alone. it is not a bad thing. just, so many who think they know a thing, know nothing about that thing. to know a name is not to know a soul. to see is not to be a thing. most know someting but little, and rely on expectation or preconception for the rest. it is lazy to not know someone you love. and lazy is the worst kind of weak.
(10) I dont beleive in money. ive always had it, but it never bought me anything i need. not health, not company, not inspiration. not my beloved, but too few friends. as i go along, it is a measurable commodity, it is a number i can watch go up and down. it has become a hobby.to aquire, to sow and reap. to plan and execute and have success. i think i will die a rich man, but i will not have ever spent a dime.
(11) I adore my family. but ive never told them so. they probably dont know. as mentioned. when contented i am often simple and serene. they must think i am just waiting to leave. all that i know, they have shown me. there are no better teachers, people, and friends.
(12) I would kill every man on earth to protect my brother.withou a second thought. and woman and child. i would war, and rage, and sacrifice. know this, any who try to hurt him, i am one of griffins most infamous sons, and very good with knife and gun. leave him, i warn you. i will take everything from you and everyone you know, if you take a single strand of his hair. if you hear nothing else hear this. i am well rehearsed in this reaction. and conscious is little use without my brother to make fun of me.
(13) Most of my friends are flawed and fallen. but all of them are brilliant and brave. their strength was probably the attraction. they are the kind you cannot break. i have tested them, and tried them, and pushed and pulled, these are the few who made it through. i am nothing without them. and i know that some of them watch me in wonder, always seem to be amazed, it is these that amaze me. that they do not know that i draw my strength from them.
(14) I still believe in honor. a kind of man who makes his own way. who works and rises on his own merit. whos word is still worth being heard. i think it is easier to be corrupt or brazen. to disregard anothers' concern. therfore by calculation, taking the easy way is lazy, and laziness is weakness. so those who refuse resistance are weak, and strength cannot be taught. making it easier to be fought.
(15) I was a good kid once. and still remeber it well.
(16) Nothing about this world attracts me. not money, or power, glory, not even really sex. its not often pleasure that i seek, but experience. good or bad, i think knowledge more valuable than even wealth. it is the only difference between us and other animals, the ability to reason. i insist on using it. as should you, or are you an ape?
(17) I often wonder if im insane.
(18) I eat whatever my body tells me to. i will eat anything that i crave. i believe that a craving is my body telling me what it needs. i will never ignore this. i do this with people too. well, i try to....
(19) I dont pick up on hints or insinuation. im not good with expectation. just tell me what you want to say. come face to face and look me in the eye and spit it out. i dont keep anything from anyone who wants to know. i am direct and i tell the truth. i expect all of this from you..
(20) Im not good with people. im too....i dont know what. someone tell me. i dont know what it is. i just seem to take most people by surprise, it seems. and the ones that know me, dont seem to react at all my friends treat me like a human, fragile, frail, and fallible. while everyone else, well, treat me as equally brilliant and barbaric. so im always kind of defensive, over aggressive, and without remorse. i often wonder how it must look from someone elses point of veiw.
(21) I have a big shadow. not always sure why, but i know i do. people seem to fall into its shade. i spend most of my life trying to figure out why. I got my degree and am working on more in phsycology. anyone ever think it was so i could figure myself out? i am my greatest mystery. i see myself do things and wonder who would do this thing. i hear my words and struggle to understand them. and i see my shadow cast and wonder why.i see the future but dont know why. most of my girlfriends say its how i walk. someone tell me this too.
(22) I watch everyone. even you. im trying to learn to be human. it is a great endeavor. you are a complex and incompatible breed.
(23) I dont know how to love or love back. emotion is not really in my toolbox. some think me cruel. i honestly just dont know what to do.
(24) I work too much. in fact much too much. until sometimes i cannot even stand. i do it because (a) it entertains me, and life is mostly boring otherwise, (b) to tire my annoyingly reselient body. attempt to work myself to sleep. and (c) to work, to do something, is to be used...to be nesecary.
(25) my favorite things are insignificant. often they are simple and easy to find. and more often i keep myself from them. i dont want to overindulge and lose what makes them special, so often i do not indulge at all. it baffles those closest to me. it bewilders me. my favorit feeling is a haircut, the fingers on my scalp. favorite food is calzone (or felinis pizza), which i never eat. my favorite place is southy projects and ive never been. my favorite person is, well i never see her. and so on. the ruststains i dont see, the trains that i cant hear, the sadness i dont feel, the orchids i cant smell... except Ezra. my dog is my one real joy, and she sleeps at my side everynight.
doesnt help at all does it? dont deflect. say exactly what you think.
one is more than two halves. many pieces and missing pieces. motion and mechanics. there is more. i thought i could work myself to sleep. that i could prove my worth with effort. i see that too many look too long for an answer and idea. and i look nowhere far all things. time slipped by and i saw it, but said nothing. i sent it from me sometimes. useless is so much of my time spent searching. i found nothing so many places. Updated about 2 months ago · Write a comment...i found a place
she was calling from quiet and nightmare. she says "silence, you speak as fools often do." unfortunately true. it is another way, she reminds me. that words are only weapons and turned on ourselves. i was talking and not listening. i was forgetting....
then i saw this. i was reminded of these things. she was waiting here for me. sister streets of home....
A.L. Miller High School. on Montiplier. chainlink lined street. sometimes, its not inside. sometimes theres just nothing else to find.
too busy. with these places that take me other places. this is where i will go. there is a place that you come to, a distance from what you left behind. and after this, you cannot turn back. there must be another thing to drive you. another name to make.
a lion is not ferocious. it is perceived as ferocious, and as such perceives itself. and thereby shows no fear, it is a lion after all. but is it, after all? a lion can be shot, or trapped. prodded from cage restraint, powerless indeed. for all the noise and roaring fury, it is but a cat, after all.
we are the same. too far from home, too often away. till it calls no more to return. then the trap is sprung. the world has won.
for all these suits and seriousness, for the sideways glances from who know i dont belong here. there is another feeling that noone does. and these glances are supposed to be returned. instead, eyes to eyes are turned. it confuses many to confront any preconception. it confuses me that more do not.
it occured to me then, that everything ends. the moment passed. another arrived and the day was dispatched in such a way. walking by so many things, and wondering what i have missed. while outside there is no sign of this. most think my thoughts random, and severe. too much something, not enough nothing.
there is pain now.. to distract me, to restrict me. it has become necesary. there was a need to slow me down. this is a body that cant keep up with me. a mind that i abuse....
come in from darkness, long lost stranger. here, there are no hearts. nothing fragile to fear breaking. noone else but us.
the story goes as all stories go. a cold dark night in december. a choice. and a path unchosen. what is left behind lives on. and choses paths of their own.
we are as some seem to be, only we do not seem it. a quietly calculated deconstruction. the end of the earth is only how far you go.
from this i deduce that it was only a regarded memory. a place, a point, it passed in time. it was not who i am. what it was to become is not what i am to become.
one must not be confused in a storm. though things may change position, though up my turn upside down. and people may advance at any angle, retreat along any plane. the light and dark are always the same. and each preceeds and proceeds the other. one must simply force these to rotate. make a path through whatever fury, it cannot hurt one who feels no fear. these reactions are only the scene. one must not be a prop.
singularity. in any population, an endeavor none regarded, yet, acheived. one must not sway with a crowd. plant feet firmly and find as many lose. try and rest and live as others fall. it must feel as though the wind wont stop blowing. it is not the wind. it is ones power over ones powerlessness. it is how fast we go
but, at this speed. it is sometimes hard to see. both what is passing by, what will not pass us by. what will not fall away. i sometimes wonder if we know what we become, or simply what we are no longer.
simple forces compel me. compel us all, it seems. desire, however hidden or excused, for something better, something real. escape, chemical or natural, from what is and what cannot ever be.
i wonder if it would not be better to live all as one thing, and not the former or soon to be. to simply go, not from or to a thing, but for the sake of going. to extend not to a distance or period of time, but to a destination.
to be as one is, not as he must portray. there become too many faces, that one may forget his own. or why it is never shown.
it was cold once. i noticed it then. no more after did i adhere to my skin. did i listen or react, venture to know or receive that sensation. it was all cold since. so many watched in horror,from the distant length i held them. saw this all cave in. none could reach into my darkness. none could extract me from my descent. down into the lost place, the last place that i could not see her face.
and summer came, and i didnt know it. the sun didnt get through. it couldnt warm me if it had. a shadow statue, pacing desperately, yet still unable to move. the effects are only recently receded......
some claimed that i recovered, some so proud at what ive done. that i have walked again and talked again as humans do. that i am amoung them after all.
some say that i sold out, that ive become what was once behest. i have done both, i have become myself. the me that lives regrettably well, is respected instead of feared. i sleep, at least sometimes, and taste what food i eat. my appeitite grows. i notice what i see. it is that the cold is held at bay, but not quite gone away. it is enslaved as it enslaved me. i find the things i search for, i let it finally hurt.
im sorry for all youve seen of me, but not for what ive seen. i will take these things with me. if it can be avoided, i will never again be that me. there is no longer a need........call it what it seems and show yourself the door. i am not dying anymore.
then comes sunlight revelation, eyes suddenly open to the path and peril waiting. when darkness shed such concern. we walk alone. safer somehow, that someone else can see us. that streetlight shadow is chased away.
but then, there are others now. many more, and they just dont understand. they look on curious and apathetic. they are all around.
suddenly, these secrets are seen, these pockets overflow, and you have carried too much of this too far. suddenly you are surrounded.
and then what. then all this struggle is for nothing. the fight, the fear...strength, old friend, that is all that remains. that you will stand here, or turn and fade away. either way it ends. and when long lost light returns, it will find none of this again. how will you let it go. no, how do you make it let go of you. strength.
empty your pockets, pay the toll. and go....Updated about a month ago · Comment · LikeUnlike You like this.
25 ThingsShare
This is stupid. if you dony already know these things, then your heads up your ass so far that you cant see me. which is fine, because it means noone can see you, either. and your breath smells like shit. for all the real life humans, i did this for you.
(1) I think nothing is beautiful, nothing is ugly. it just is. and cant be changed.
(2) I want to be nothing. I never have. whatever heights i reach are sheer mistake.
(3) I wish i were quiet. i talk too much because my mind is too fast for me. to keep up i have to sometimes start saying things out loud as they pass thru my thoghts. i talk to distract others until i can figure out an escape. and the more i talk about something the less interested i am. its just my brain is on autopiluot because im a million miles away.
(4) i am the happiest when i seem sad. my smile is a coverup. at quiet and still, i am somewhat at peace. i like to hide somewhere small and quiet and think.
(5) i have never had a good night sleep. not even as a child. my parents worried for many years, until it wasnt worth worrying anymore. it is something i dont think i have missed, though i stuggle for it often.
(6) I dont think my body is strong enough. i push so far and always assumed my body could keep up. i am proven wrong from time to time. I break it, and try to figure out how...
(7) I am brutally aware of my size. it has always been a contested thing, that what i do could be done by me. i used to agree, and look at myself in disbelief. and compensate with vicious reaction. trying to prove something to someone, only now, there is little left to prove. it makes for something of a civil war. time has passed though, and few still see weakness in my size.
(8) I miss home. i miss what it was. i do not long for what it has become. my city has proved as weak as its children, and as corrupt as its fathers. it will not ever be what it was. because of this, nor will i.
(9) I am almost always alone. it is not a bad thing. just, so many who think they know a thing, know nothing about that thing. to know a name is not to know a soul. to see is not to be a thing. most know someting but little, and rely on expectation or preconception for the rest. it is lazy to not know someone you love. and lazy is the worst kind of weak.
(10) I dont beleive in money. ive always had it, but it never bought me anything i need. not health, not company, not inspiration. not my beloved, but too few friends. as i go along, it is a measurable commodity, it is a number i can watch go up and down. it has become a hobby.to aquire, to sow and reap. to plan and execute and have success. i think i will die a rich man, but i will not have ever spent a dime.
(11) I adore my family. but ive never told them so. they probably dont know. as mentioned. when contented i am often simple and serene. they must think i am just waiting to leave. all that i know, they have shown me. there are no better teachers, people, and friends.
(12) I would kill every man on earth to protect my brother.withou a second thought. and woman and child. i would war, and rage, and sacrifice. know this, any who try to hurt him, i am one of griffins most infamous sons, and very good with knife and gun. leave him, i warn you. i will take everything from you and everyone you know, if you take a single strand of his hair. if you hear nothing else hear this. i am well rehearsed in this reaction. and conscious is little use without my brother to make fun of me.
(13) Most of my friends are flawed and fallen. but all of them are brilliant and brave. their strength was probably the attraction. they are the kind you cannot break. i have tested them, and tried them, and pushed and pulled, these are the few who made it through. i am nothing without them. and i know that some of them watch me in wonder, always seem to be amazed, it is these that amaze me. that they do not know that i draw my strength from them.
(14) I still believe in honor. a kind of man who makes his own way. who works and rises on his own merit. whos word is still worth being heard. i think it is easier to be corrupt or brazen. to disregard anothers' concern. therfore by calculation, taking the easy way is lazy, and laziness is weakness. so those who refuse resistance are weak, and strength cannot be taught. making it easier to be fought.
(15) I was a good kid once. and still remeber it well.
(16) Nothing about this world attracts me. not money, or power, glory, not even really sex. its not often pleasure that i seek, but experience. good or bad, i think knowledge more valuable than even wealth. it is the only difference between us and other animals, the ability to reason. i insist on using it. as should you, or are you an ape?
(17) I often wonder if im insane.
(18) I eat whatever my body tells me to. i will eat anything that i crave. i believe that a craving is my body telling me what it needs. i will never ignore this. i do this with people too. well, i try to....
(19) I dont pick up on hints or insinuation. im not good with expectation. just tell me what you want to say. come face to face and look me in the eye and spit it out. i dont keep anything from anyone who wants to know. i am direct and i tell the truth. i expect all of this from you..
(20) Im not good with people. im too....i dont know what. someone tell me. i dont know what it is. i just seem to take most people by surprise, it seems. and the ones that know me, dont seem to react at all my friends treat me like a human, fragile, frail, and fallible. while everyone else, well, treat me as equally brilliant and barbaric. so im always kind of defensive, over aggressive, and without remorse. i often wonder how it must look from someone elses point of veiw.
(21) I have a big shadow. not always sure why, but i know i do. people seem to fall into its shade. i spend most of my life trying to figure out why. I got my degree and am working on more in phsycology. anyone ever think it was so i could figure myself out? i am my greatest mystery. i see myself do things and wonder who would do this thing. i hear my words and struggle to understand them. and i see my shadow cast and wonder why.i see the future but dont know why. most of my girlfriends say its how i walk. someone tell me this too.
(22) I watch everyone. even you. im trying to learn to be human. it is a great endeavor. you are a complex and incompatible breed.
(23) I dont know how to love or love back. emotion is not really in my toolbox. some think me cruel. i honestly just dont know what to do.
(24) I work too much. in fact much too much. until sometimes i cannot even stand. i do it because (a) it entertains me, and life is mostly boring otherwise, (b) to tire my annoyingly reselient body. attempt to work myself to sleep. and (c) to work, to do something, is to be used...to be nesecary.
(25) my favorite things are insignificant. often they are simple and easy to find. and more often i keep myself from them. i dont want to overindulge and lose what makes them special, so often i do not indulge at all. it baffles those closest to me. it bewilders me. my favorit feeling is a haircut, the fingers on my scalp. favorite food is calzone (or felinis pizza), which i never eat. my favorite place is southy projects and ive never been. my favorite person is, well i never see her. and so on. the ruststains i dont see, the trains that i cant hear, the sadness i dont feel, the orchids i cant smell... except Ezra. my dog is my one real joy, and she sleeps at my side everynight.
doesnt help at all does it? dont deflect. say exactly what you think.
one is more than two halves. many pieces and missing pieces. motion and mechanics. there is more. i thought i could work myself to sleep. that i could prove my worth with effort. i see that too many look too long for an answer and idea. and i look nowhere far all things. time slipped by and i saw it, but said nothing. i sent it from me sometimes. useless is so much of my time spent searching. i found nothing so many places. Updated about 2 months ago · Write a comment...i found a place
she was calling from quiet and nightmare. she says "silence, you speak as fools often do." unfortunately true. it is another way, she reminds me. that words are only weapons and turned on ourselves. i was talking and not listening. i was forgetting....
then i saw this. i was reminded of these things. she was waiting here for me. sister streets of home....
A.L. Miller High School. on Montiplier. chainlink lined street. sometimes, its not inside. sometimes theres just nothing else to find.
too busy. with these places that take me other places. this is where i will go. there is a place that you come to, a distance from what you left behind. and after this, you cannot turn back. there must be another thing to drive you. another name to make.
a lion is not ferocious. it is perceived as ferocious, and as such perceives itself. and thereby shows no fear, it is a lion after all. but is it, after all? a lion can be shot, or trapped. prodded from cage restraint, powerless indeed. for all the noise and roaring fury, it is but a cat, after all.
we are the same. too far from home, too often away. till it calls no more to return. then the trap is sprung. the world has won.
for all these suits and seriousness, for the sideways glances from who know i dont belong here. there is another feeling that noone does. and these glances are supposed to be returned. instead, eyes to eyes are turned. it confuses many to confront any preconception. it confuses me that more do not.
it occured to me then, that everything ends. the moment passed. another arrived and the day was dispatched in such a way. walking by so many things, and wondering what i have missed. while outside there is no sign of this. most think my thoughts random, and severe. too much something, not enough nothing.
there is pain now.. to distract me, to restrict me. it has become necesary. there was a need to slow me down. this is a body that cant keep up with me. a mind that i abuse....
come in from darkness, long lost stranger. here, there are no hearts. nothing fragile to fear breaking. noone else but us.
the story goes as all stories go. a cold dark night in december. a choice. and a path unchosen. what is left behind lives on. and choses paths of their own.
we are as some seem to be, only we do not seem it. a quietly calculated deconstruction. the end of the earth is only how far you go.
from this i deduce that it was only a regarded memory. a place, a point, it passed in time. it was not who i am. what it was to become is not what i am to become.
one must not be confused in a storm. though things may change position, though up my turn upside down. and people may advance at any angle, retreat along any plane. the light and dark are always the same. and each preceeds and proceeds the other. one must simply force these to rotate. make a path through whatever fury, it cannot hurt one who feels no fear. these reactions are only the scene. one must not be a prop.
singularity. in any population, an endeavor none regarded, yet, acheived. one must not sway with a crowd. plant feet firmly and find as many lose. try and rest and live as others fall. it must feel as though the wind wont stop blowing. it is not the wind. it is ones power over ones powerlessness. it is how fast we go
but, at this speed. it is sometimes hard to see. both what is passing by, what will not pass us by. what will not fall away. i sometimes wonder if we know what we become, or simply what we are no longer.
simple forces compel me. compel us all, it seems. desire, however hidden or excused, for something better, something real. escape, chemical or natural, from what is and what cannot ever be.
i wonder if it would not be better to live all as one thing, and not the former or soon to be. to simply go, not from or to a thing, but for the sake of going. to extend not to a distance or period of time, but to a destination.
to be as one is, not as he must portray. there become too many faces, that one may forget his own. or why it is never shown.
it was cold once. i noticed it then. no more after did i adhere to my skin. did i listen or react, venture to know or receive that sensation. it was all cold since. so many watched in horror,from the distant length i held them. saw this all cave in. none could reach into my darkness. none could extract me from my descent. down into the lost place, the last place that i could not see her face.
and summer came, and i didnt know it. the sun didnt get through. it couldnt warm me if it had. a shadow statue, pacing desperately, yet still unable to move. the effects are only recently receded......
some claimed that i recovered, some so proud at what ive done. that i have walked again and talked again as humans do. that i am amoung them after all.
some say that i sold out, that ive become what was once behest. i have done both, i have become myself. the me that lives regrettably well, is respected instead of feared. i sleep, at least sometimes, and taste what food i eat. my appeitite grows. i notice what i see. it is that the cold is held at bay, but not quite gone away. it is enslaved as it enslaved me. i find the things i search for, i let it finally hurt.
im sorry for all youve seen of me, but not for what ive seen. i will take these things with me. if it can be avoided, i will never again be that me. there is no longer a need........call it what it seems and show yourself the door. i am not dying anymore.