Fic: Suspect, Weapon, Room (5/15)
Title: Suspect, Weapon, Room
Author:a_glass_parade
Beta:idoltina
Artist:gwladus
Word Count: 43,000+
Rating: R - people die, it's a murder mystery!
Characters/Pairings: Blaine Anderson, Brittany Pierce, Finn Hudson, Quinn Fabray, Noah Puckerman, Rachel Berry, Kurt Hummel, Santana Lopez, with cameo appearances galore!
Warnings: People die. Repeat: people DIE. People you like die. This is an AU based off of the murder mystery movie 'Clue'. So...people die. Just...letting you know. Also warning for slapstick humor and terrible jokes.
Summary: Mysterious invitations have been sent to certain notorious citizens of the Chicago area, asking them to gather at creepy Dalton Manor for a dinner party with an unknown host. Blaine Anderson, masquerading as humble butler Wadsworth, must exert all his considerable efforts and charms to keep everything under control and solve a significant problem when guests, servants and unexpected visitors start to turn up dead by various means! A modern riff on the 1985 cult classic film 'Clue' finds our beloved McKinley misfits reluctantly banding together to try and escape dinner with their lives.
Chapter Five - A Series Of Fortunate Events (Depending On Your Perspective)
It was everything Jesse St. James could have ever wanted.
He always had loved a reactionary crowd, it had never mattered what the reaction was so long as they were reacting at all. Whether they applauded or hissed, he got the nearly orgasmic satisfaction of knowing he had made it happen, that he had moved them enough to bring them to their feet.
Unable - and completely unwilling - to control the delightedly smug smirk that stretched across his face, Jesse tapped his fingertips together and watched as the angry dinner guests converged on his chair, all of them totally and gratifyingly furious. He'd never seen such a fantastic sight. In order to better appreciate it, he got to his feet and beamed even more broadly.
The oafish Colonel was impervious to his charm. “You asshole. You want to step outside?”
“Not really,” Jesse replied, stifling a giggle at how red the guy's face got. “It's wet out and I'm wearing Armani.” Offering no warning, he kicked the Colonel in the shin and smiled as the man sat down, clutching his leg and groaning. “Besides, I don't require a change of venue in order to put you in your place.”
The problem with reveling in smug satisfaction, however, was that it was very distracting, so it wasn't long before he was joining the Colonel on the floor and groaning himself. He hadn't seen Mrs. White slipping easily through the crowd until she'd already kneed him right in the balls.
“Mrs. White, was that necessary?” Wadsworth sounded appalled. When Jesse cracked one eye open and glanced up, it was to see the haughty blonde simply shrug and step delicately away, eyes glittering like green ice in the firelight.
He sort of fell a little bit in love with her then. She was his kind of woman. Ruthless, gorgeous, no apologies or explanations. Sure, he also wanted to kill her just now, but didn't you just have to appreciate a woman with that kind of nerve?
Huh. The butler was being all chatty again. “Will everyone just calm down? The police are on their way!”
Which of course did nothing to calm anyone down. Jesse could have told him that was going to happen. Ugh, typical amateur. He squeezed his eyes shut again and waited for the pain to ebb. Fortunately, everyone else was too busy quarrelling with Wadsworth to pay much attention to him, so it gave him time to recuperate.
“Listen,” Wadsworth pleaded. “Blackmail is completely dependent on secrecy. All of you have admitted to the leverage Mr. Boddy has on you. All you have to do is tell the police and they'll be here in 45 minutes. He gets hauled off and your troubles are over. Easy as pie.”
Seriously, did the guy know nothing of human nature? “Of course they won't tell the police,” Jesse sneered, struggling to his feet and trying to hide the fact that his groin was still a world of hurt. For good measure, he kicked the still-down Colonel in the shin again. “Have you met these people?”
“Okay, fine.” Wadsworth shrugged. “Then I'll do it. Br-er, Yvette is in another room with the necessary equipment to record this conversation.” He paused. “Don't worry, I set up the recording, she didn't have to do anything, it should be fine.”
Ms. Peacock sucked in a deep breath and pulled herself up as tall as she could manage to get. “I'm sorry, I have every season of 'Law and Order' on DVD so I can confidently state that tape recordings are not admissible in court.” The other guests, clearly just as lacking in any kind of social life, all nodded and murmured amongst themselves, glaring at Jesse.
Oh, enough of this. Jesse spun on his heel and began to hobble out of the room. “Where are you going?” Wadsworth called after him.
It was starting to hurt, rolling his eyes so much. “I'm going to get my satchel, you tuxedoed Baggins,” Jesse sighed. “I think I can help them make up their minds.”
By the time he got back, Colonel Mustard was finally back on his feet and everyone was huddled behind the sofa, still glaring. God, how tedious their lives had to be. This was all probably the most excitement they'd seen in years. Jesse set his bag on an end table and opened it. “So, who can guess what I've got?”
“More evidence against us, I'm sure.” Mrs. White's voice was hard and cold and it was patently obvious she was having to work to sound that detached. Jesse didn't trouble to hide his smirk as he started removing glossy black boxes from his bag and passed them around.
Ms. Scarlet accepted her box and toyed with the fluffy blue ribbon bow that decorated it. “We didn't know we were going to be meeting you here tonight,” she stated, her eyes narrowing as she tossed her hair back over her shoulder before scooting up to sit on the desk. “Did you know you were meeting us?”
Jesse paused, the last box still in his hand. He looked down at the box and then back up at her, down at the box, back at her. “Seriously?”
At least she had the good grace to blush as red as her dress before her lips tightened and she fixed her eyes back down on the box in her lap.
Mrs. White was still bristling with the bravado she wore like a cloak. “What exactly were you told about this?”
He shrugged. “Just that you were all meeting to discuss our...” His lips twitched. “...financial arrangement. And if I didn't show, Wadsworth was going to inform the police. How could I resist such a tempting invitation?” Moving quickly before the butler could blurt out another stupid question, Jesse stepped over to the door, turning to face his audience. “Well? Aren't you going to open them?”
Ms. Scarlet had recovered some of her aplomb. “Why not? I like presents from strange men.” In a moment, she had the bow untied and tossed aside, the lid of the box next to her on the desk, and had fished an ornate brass candlestick out of the tissue paper that lined the inside of the box. “What the hell?”
Nearby, Mrs. White seemed equally confused by the length of rope in her hands, a rough piece of hemp knotted into a noose. Mr. Green stared wide-eyed at the rope for a moment before opening his own box to extract a crooked length of lead pipe.
Colonel Mustard was baffled - well, no change there - by the heavy adjustable wrench he'd gotten. “Am I supposed to be fixing up a car?” he asked with a nervous laugh, but predictably enough the joke fell flat.
Professor Plum and Ms. Peacock were the last to open their boxes, and exchanged uncomfortable glances as they revealed a revolver and a sharp, wicked looking dagger, respectively. Jesse glanced around at the guests, all of their rage stripped completely away and replaced with quivering anxiety.
He couldn't have set a better stage.
Leaning against the door, Jesse gestured at his 'presents'. “In your hands, each of you has a lethal weapon,” he announced, tilting up his chin to better survey their reactions. “If you denounce me to the police, you will be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to it in court.”
“You're a horr-” Ms. Peacock, unsurprisingly, was the first to open her mouth to object, but she fell silent quickly enough when Jesse raised his hand and offered her a smile he hoped was both soft and evil.
“However,” he continued, pushing up and pacing over to pour himself a glass of cognac, “if one of you kills Wadsworth now...”
The horrified look on Wadsworth's face was priceless. Jesse committed it to his memory so he could pull it out whenever he needed a good laugh. Picking up his glass, he moved back over to the door. “If one of you kills him now,” he repeated, “no one but the seven of us need ever know. After all, he does have the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body.”
Hm. The look of Wadsworth rethinking the wisdom of his earlier words might actually be better...best to remember both expressions. No sense letting a chuckle go to waste.
Jesse placed his hand on the light switch. “I suggest we take him up on his offer. It's the only way to keep yourselves off of TMZ.” He beamed one more smile around the room and set his glass down. “In three...two...one...” With a flourish, he switched the light off. “Action!”
Silence reigned in the darkness for an instant.
Then - a deep breath, a noisy gunshot - the sound of something ceramic breaking.
“Oh, damn it,” came Wadsworth's surprising, exasperated yelp. “I meant to move that Ming vase to a safer place.”
Chapter Six - There Have Been More Awkward First Dates...Maybe
Author:a_glass_parade
Beta:idoltina
Artist:gwladus
Word Count: 43,000+
Rating: R - people die, it's a murder mystery!
Characters/Pairings: Blaine Anderson, Brittany Pierce, Finn Hudson, Quinn Fabray, Noah Puckerman, Rachel Berry, Kurt Hummel, Santana Lopez, with cameo appearances galore!
Warnings: People die. Repeat: people DIE. People you like die. This is an AU based off of the murder mystery movie 'Clue'. So...people die. Just...letting you know. Also warning for slapstick humor and terrible jokes.
Summary: Mysterious invitations have been sent to certain notorious citizens of the Chicago area, asking them to gather at creepy Dalton Manor for a dinner party with an unknown host. Blaine Anderson, masquerading as humble butler Wadsworth, must exert all his considerable efforts and charms to keep everything under control and solve a significant problem when guests, servants and unexpected visitors start to turn up dead by various means! A modern riff on the 1985 cult classic film 'Clue' finds our beloved McKinley misfits reluctantly banding together to try and escape dinner with their lives.
Chapter Five - A Series Of Fortunate Events (Depending On Your Perspective)
It was everything Jesse St. James could have ever wanted.
He always had loved a reactionary crowd, it had never mattered what the reaction was so long as they were reacting at all. Whether they applauded or hissed, he got the nearly orgasmic satisfaction of knowing he had made it happen, that he had moved them enough to bring them to their feet.
Unable - and completely unwilling - to control the delightedly smug smirk that stretched across his face, Jesse tapped his fingertips together and watched as the angry dinner guests converged on his chair, all of them totally and gratifyingly furious. He'd never seen such a fantastic sight. In order to better appreciate it, he got to his feet and beamed even more broadly.
The oafish Colonel was impervious to his charm. “You asshole. You want to step outside?”
“Not really,” Jesse replied, stifling a giggle at how red the guy's face got. “It's wet out and I'm wearing Armani.” Offering no warning, he kicked the Colonel in the shin and smiled as the man sat down, clutching his leg and groaning. “Besides, I don't require a change of venue in order to put you in your place.”
The problem with reveling in smug satisfaction, however, was that it was very distracting, so it wasn't long before he was joining the Colonel on the floor and groaning himself. He hadn't seen Mrs. White slipping easily through the crowd until she'd already kneed him right in the balls.
“Mrs. White, was that necessary?” Wadsworth sounded appalled. When Jesse cracked one eye open and glanced up, it was to see the haughty blonde simply shrug and step delicately away, eyes glittering like green ice in the firelight.
He sort of fell a little bit in love with her then. She was his kind of woman. Ruthless, gorgeous, no apologies or explanations. Sure, he also wanted to kill her just now, but didn't you just have to appreciate a woman with that kind of nerve?
Huh. The butler was being all chatty again. “Will everyone just calm down? The police are on their way!”
Which of course did nothing to calm anyone down. Jesse could have told him that was going to happen. Ugh, typical amateur. He squeezed his eyes shut again and waited for the pain to ebb. Fortunately, everyone else was too busy quarrelling with Wadsworth to pay much attention to him, so it gave him time to recuperate.
“Listen,” Wadsworth pleaded. “Blackmail is completely dependent on secrecy. All of you have admitted to the leverage Mr. Boddy has on you. All you have to do is tell the police and they'll be here in 45 minutes. He gets hauled off and your troubles are over. Easy as pie.”
Seriously, did the guy know nothing of human nature? “Of course they won't tell the police,” Jesse sneered, struggling to his feet and trying to hide the fact that his groin was still a world of hurt. For good measure, he kicked the still-down Colonel in the shin again. “Have you met these people?”
“Okay, fine.” Wadsworth shrugged. “Then I'll do it. Br-er, Yvette is in another room with the necessary equipment to record this conversation.” He paused. “Don't worry, I set up the recording, she didn't have to do anything, it should be fine.”
Ms. Peacock sucked in a deep breath and pulled herself up as tall as she could manage to get. “I'm sorry, I have every season of 'Law and Order' on DVD so I can confidently state that tape recordings are not admissible in court.” The other guests, clearly just as lacking in any kind of social life, all nodded and murmured amongst themselves, glaring at Jesse.
Oh, enough of this. Jesse spun on his heel and began to hobble out of the room. “Where are you going?” Wadsworth called after him.
It was starting to hurt, rolling his eyes so much. “I'm going to get my satchel, you tuxedoed Baggins,” Jesse sighed. “I think I can help them make up their minds.”
By the time he got back, Colonel Mustard was finally back on his feet and everyone was huddled behind the sofa, still glaring. God, how tedious their lives had to be. This was all probably the most excitement they'd seen in years. Jesse set his bag on an end table and opened it. “So, who can guess what I've got?”
“More evidence against us, I'm sure.” Mrs. White's voice was hard and cold and it was patently obvious she was having to work to sound that detached. Jesse didn't trouble to hide his smirk as he started removing glossy black boxes from his bag and passed them around.
Ms. Scarlet accepted her box and toyed with the fluffy blue ribbon bow that decorated it. “We didn't know we were going to be meeting you here tonight,” she stated, her eyes narrowing as she tossed her hair back over her shoulder before scooting up to sit on the desk. “Did you know you were meeting us?”
Jesse paused, the last box still in his hand. He looked down at the box and then back up at her, down at the box, back at her. “Seriously?”
At least she had the good grace to blush as red as her dress before her lips tightened and she fixed her eyes back down on the box in her lap.
Mrs. White was still bristling with the bravado she wore like a cloak. “What exactly were you told about this?”
He shrugged. “Just that you were all meeting to discuss our...” His lips twitched. “...financial arrangement. And if I didn't show, Wadsworth was going to inform the police. How could I resist such a tempting invitation?” Moving quickly before the butler could blurt out another stupid question, Jesse stepped over to the door, turning to face his audience. “Well? Aren't you going to open them?”
Ms. Scarlet had recovered some of her aplomb. “Why not? I like presents from strange men.” In a moment, she had the bow untied and tossed aside, the lid of the box next to her on the desk, and had fished an ornate brass candlestick out of the tissue paper that lined the inside of the box. “What the hell?”
Nearby, Mrs. White seemed equally confused by the length of rope in her hands, a rough piece of hemp knotted into a noose. Mr. Green stared wide-eyed at the rope for a moment before opening his own box to extract a crooked length of lead pipe.
Colonel Mustard was baffled - well, no change there - by the heavy adjustable wrench he'd gotten. “Am I supposed to be fixing up a car?” he asked with a nervous laugh, but predictably enough the joke fell flat.
Professor Plum and Ms. Peacock were the last to open their boxes, and exchanged uncomfortable glances as they revealed a revolver and a sharp, wicked looking dagger, respectively. Jesse glanced around at the guests, all of their rage stripped completely away and replaced with quivering anxiety.
He couldn't have set a better stage.
Leaning against the door, Jesse gestured at his 'presents'. “In your hands, each of you has a lethal weapon,” he announced, tilting up his chin to better survey their reactions. “If you denounce me to the police, you will be exposed and humiliated. I'll see to it in court.”
“You're a horr-” Ms. Peacock, unsurprisingly, was the first to open her mouth to object, but she fell silent quickly enough when Jesse raised his hand and offered her a smile he hoped was both soft and evil.
“However,” he continued, pushing up and pacing over to pour himself a glass of cognac, “if one of you kills Wadsworth now...”
The horrified look on Wadsworth's face was priceless. Jesse committed it to his memory so he could pull it out whenever he needed a good laugh. Picking up his glass, he moved back over to the door. “If one of you kills him now,” he repeated, “no one but the seven of us need ever know. After all, he does have the key to the front door, which he said would only be opened over his dead body.”
Hm. The look of Wadsworth rethinking the wisdom of his earlier words might actually be better...best to remember both expressions. No sense letting a chuckle go to waste.
Jesse placed his hand on the light switch. “I suggest we take him up on his offer. It's the only way to keep yourselves off of TMZ.” He beamed one more smile around the room and set his glass down. “In three...two...one...” With a flourish, he switched the light off. “Action!”
Silence reigned in the darkness for an instant.
Then - a deep breath, a noisy gunshot - the sound of something ceramic breaking.
“Oh, damn it,” came Wadsworth's surprising, exasperated yelp. “I meant to move that Ming vase to a safer place.”
Chapter Six - There Have Been More Awkward First Dates...Maybe