[multi-chaptered] Kanjani8; All our memories {6/8}
Fandom: Kanjani8
Title: All our memories { lead us to the same place }
Pairing: Shibutani Subaru x Yasuda Shota
Genre: romance, angst, High school!AU
Rating: PG
Summary: Back in elementary school, Subaru gave all of his memories to protect Shota from that accident. Now that they have met again in high school, only Shota remembers what happened. Will he be able to leave Subaru before they get closer? Is disappearing again the only solution?
Notes: Beta-ed by the wonderful
rainy_fruit :D
Wow. It's only been a few days since I last posted, but it feels like a long time for me. And we're already in chapter six! >.< I don't want this to end so soon... Anyway, this chapter is the longest and also the one I like the least, I don't know exactly why well, because nothing really happens again :( Please keep on leaving comments, they cheer me up! =D
Other chapters: 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ~ 4 ~ 5 ~ 7 ~ 8 ~ Epilogue
At the last minute, Shota began struggling with the idea of throwing away his letter and letting Subaru remember everything by himself. Maybe, if he just disappeared without a word, Subaru wouldn’t have the chance of feeling betrayed for that thing in the past. He’d get angry at the actual Shota, and hopefully everything would end there. Nice idea, except for the fact that it could be worse and, above all, more confusing to his mind. Unfair, as he had written in his letter.
It was his fault. All of it. First, he caused the accident. Then, despite having left Subaru alone for the next seven years, he couldn’t help but come back into his life to mess everything up again. The worst thing was that he didn’t regret going so far. The way Subaru’s hand felt on his skin and the way he kissed him and whispered softly into his ear still gave him goose bumps, and his body wouldn’t refuse that, no matter how uneasy he felt afterwards. Inside of him, everything just felt so good.
However, in some part of his mind, he knew that wasn’t right. He was sure he had to tear himself away from Subaru before he wanted to continue. He hated being such a hypocrite, pretending he didn’t know every detail of his virtues and flaws. Besides, it was just a matter of time for everything to end up in another awful way, and neither of them would be able to bear it again. Therefore, that was undoubtedly the best moment to put a permanent end to their story, regardless of how much it would hurt.
Only two things could happen after he told Subaru the truth. One of them was what Shota had been preparing himself for the whole night yesterday when he went back home: Subaru blaming him for his accident and saying “I hate you.” The other one was, as Shota thought, the real problem. If Subaru said it didn’t matter and forgave him, he wouldn’t know what to do - apart from avoiding him forever. And this was, in fact, the more likely to happen between the two options.
After standing for several minutes at the door of the library, looking at the wastepaper basket like an idiot, Shota gathered all his courage and walked in. There were lots of people studying for their exams there, but it wasn’t difficult to find Subaru among them. He was sitting in a strange position; his legs were crossed while his elbows were leaning on the desk, and the chair was pushed back. He seemed to be concentrating more than normal. The first page of his notebook was full of cross-outs. He was tangling the end of his pencil in his hair while thinking.
“Subaru,” Shota called him. He reached out to touch his senpai’s shoulder, but Subaru turned around quickly.
“Ah, Shota,” he answered, immediately going back to his papers. He looked tired. Perhaps he hadn’t been able to sleep last night either. “Wait a minute. This is almost done.”
His kohai, after hesitating for a while, decided to sit down next to him in silence. Subaru’s eyes were sparkling; they weren’t fixed anywhere concrete. They were just wandering and searching for the right point that’d give him the words he needed. Shota could see how they widened when they pierced his own.
“Uketomeru wa anata no…” Subaru whispered, not low enough for the guy sitting across from him not to hear his voice. Then he hurried to write it down. “Fine.”
I’ll accept you.
Shota started feeling nervous and got up as Subaru closed the notebook and kept his pencil in the pocket of his shirt. It was clear then. Subaru smirked at him, but Shota couldn’t feel happy or relieved. Yes because, at that precise moment, everything was over. So instead, he had a lump in his throat. Subaru didn’t know and probably wouldn’t understand it later either. The music, the lyrics - everything was finished now. With that, it ended. Enough new memories, enough not to wake up the older ones. The letter was inside of his satchel. The sooner, the better. Go ahead. Hurry up.
“Um… Subaru…”
His senpai sprang up out of the chair before he could finish the sentence. He grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the library, almost running. They got scolded by one of the people in charge, but Subaru led him across the yard and didn’t stop until they came to their usual place; the bench was empty, as usual, and a tree gave a nice shade there.
Subaru let go of Shota’s hand when they sat down. They were both panting. The younger’s chest heaved. The older stared at him, wiping the sweat off his forehead.
“Your face hasn’t changed at all,” he suddenly said. “You still look like yourself when you were seven.”
Shota looked away immediately. He felt the blood rushing to his face, his whole body shaking. His face when he was seven? Didn’t he just say the day before that he heard his voice? Did he also see his face? How did he know? Did he remember that day already? No, he couldn’t. No. If that were so, he wouldn’t be gazing fondly at his face. If that were so, he wouldn’t be sitting there beside him, waiting patiently for him to recover his breath. He’d be hurt and uncomfortable and would probably be blaming him for his weakness. Shota would say he was right. He was the only one to blame there.
“Ah, you’re blushing.” Subaru laughed when he saw his cheeks turning red.
Shota gulped and searched for the letter to end it and leave as soon as possible. However, Subaru stopped him. He put the page with the newly arranged lyrics right in front of his face and cleared his throat. Shota grabbed it and tried to read it without paying much attention.
“I can barely understand anything,” he sighed, giving up. “This is a mess.”
“I want to see you even though you're right here…” Subaru’s voice sounded soft. “See, even today, you seem so distant…” He reached out to touch Shota’s cheek with the back of his hand. “I want to feel your skin...”
Shota closed his eyes and sobbed quietly. It was so real, so touching, so Subaru-ish that he wanted to cry. Every single cell of his body reacted to his voice, that clear voice that echoed against the walls of the buildings. No, no, no. Don’t do this again, don’t make it harder. Please. I beg you, don’t make the wound deeper. Subaru silenced his thoughts with a kiss. Then, he put his arm around his shoulders and drew him closer; he took his kohai’s hand and made him feel his chest. His heart was beating slowly.
“It doesn’t hurt anymore - my chest.” He smiled. “You healed me, Shota.”
I’m glad, Shota wanted to say, though he couldn’t. Instead, he lightly pushed Subaru aside and stood up, finally getting the letter from between the books inside his satchel. Time to leave.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I have to go now. I…have things to do.”
“Can’t you stay for a little while?” Subaru asked, though he didn’t really try to stop him.
Shota didn’t answer. He just handed the envelope to him and left without saying anything, holding back his tears. Subaru looked at the characters on the paper and frowned.
“Wait! When will we meet again? Tomorrow?” he yelled out.
Thanks for reading~
Title: All our memories { lead us to the same place }
Pairing: Shibutani Subaru x Yasuda Shota
Genre: romance, angst, High school!AU
Rating: PG
Summary: Back in elementary school, Subaru gave all of his memories to protect Shota from that accident. Now that they have met again in high school, only Shota remembers what happened. Will he be able to leave Subaru before they get closer? Is disappearing again the only solution?
Notes: Beta-ed by the wonderful
rainy_fruit :D
Wow. It's only been a few days since I last posted, but it feels like a long time for me. And we're already in chapter six! >.< I don't want this to end so soon... Anyway, this chapter is the longest and also the one I like the least, I don't know exactly why well, because nothing really happens again :( Please keep on leaving comments, they cheer me up! =D
Other chapters: 1 ~ 2 ~ 3 ~ 4 ~ 5 ~ 7 ~ 8 ~ Epilogue
At the last minute, Shota began struggling with the idea of throwing away his letter and letting Subaru remember everything by himself. Maybe, if he just disappeared without a word, Subaru wouldn’t have the chance of feeling betrayed for that thing in the past. He’d get angry at the actual Shota, and hopefully everything would end there. Nice idea, except for the fact that it could be worse and, above all, more confusing to his mind. Unfair, as he had written in his letter.
It was his fault. All of it. First, he caused the accident. Then, despite having left Subaru alone for the next seven years, he couldn’t help but come back into his life to mess everything up again. The worst thing was that he didn’t regret going so far. The way Subaru’s hand felt on his skin and the way he kissed him and whispered softly into his ear still gave him goose bumps, and his body wouldn’t refuse that, no matter how uneasy he felt afterwards. Inside of him, everything just felt so good.
However, in some part of his mind, he knew that wasn’t right. He was sure he had to tear himself away from Subaru before he wanted to continue. He hated being such a hypocrite, pretending he didn’t know every detail of his virtues and flaws. Besides, it was just a matter of time for everything to end up in another awful way, and neither of them would be able to bear it again. Therefore, that was undoubtedly the best moment to put a permanent end to their story, regardless of how much it would hurt.
Only two things could happen after he told Subaru the truth. One of them was what Shota had been preparing himself for the whole night yesterday when he went back home: Subaru blaming him for his accident and saying “I hate you.” The other one was, as Shota thought, the real problem. If Subaru said it didn’t matter and forgave him, he wouldn’t know what to do - apart from avoiding him forever. And this was, in fact, the more likely to happen between the two options.
After standing for several minutes at the door of the library, looking at the wastepaper basket like an idiot, Shota gathered all his courage and walked in. There were lots of people studying for their exams there, but it wasn’t difficult to find Subaru among them. He was sitting in a strange position; his legs were crossed while his elbows were leaning on the desk, and the chair was pushed back. He seemed to be concentrating more than normal. The first page of his notebook was full of cross-outs. He was tangling the end of his pencil in his hair while thinking.
“Subaru,” Shota called him. He reached out to touch his senpai’s shoulder, but Subaru turned around quickly.
“Ah, Shota,” he answered, immediately going back to his papers. He looked tired. Perhaps he hadn’t been able to sleep last night either. “Wait a minute. This is almost done.”
His kohai, after hesitating for a while, decided to sit down next to him in silence. Subaru’s eyes were sparkling; they weren’t fixed anywhere concrete. They were just wandering and searching for the right point that’d give him the words he needed. Shota could see how they widened when they pierced his own.
“Uketomeru wa anata no…” Subaru whispered, not low enough for the guy sitting across from him not to hear his voice. Then he hurried to write it down. “Fine.”
I’ll accept you.
Shota started feeling nervous and got up as Subaru closed the notebook and kept his pencil in the pocket of his shirt. It was clear then. Subaru smirked at him, but Shota couldn’t feel happy or relieved. Yes because, at that precise moment, everything was over. So instead, he had a lump in his throat. Subaru didn’t know and probably wouldn’t understand it later either. The music, the lyrics - everything was finished now. With that, it ended. Enough new memories, enough not to wake up the older ones. The letter was inside of his satchel. The sooner, the better. Go ahead. Hurry up.
“Um… Subaru…”
His senpai sprang up out of the chair before he could finish the sentence. He grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the library, almost running. They got scolded by one of the people in charge, but Subaru led him across the yard and didn’t stop until they came to their usual place; the bench was empty, as usual, and a tree gave a nice shade there.
Subaru let go of Shota’s hand when they sat down. They were both panting. The younger’s chest heaved. The older stared at him, wiping the sweat off his forehead.
“Your face hasn’t changed at all,” he suddenly said. “You still look like yourself when you were seven.”
Shota looked away immediately. He felt the blood rushing to his face, his whole body shaking. His face when he was seven? Didn’t he just say the day before that he heard his voice? Did he also see his face? How did he know? Did he remember that day already? No, he couldn’t. No. If that were so, he wouldn’t be gazing fondly at his face. If that were so, he wouldn’t be sitting there beside him, waiting patiently for him to recover his breath. He’d be hurt and uncomfortable and would probably be blaming him for his weakness. Shota would say he was right. He was the only one to blame there.
“Ah, you’re blushing.” Subaru laughed when he saw his cheeks turning red.
Shota gulped and searched for the letter to end it and leave as soon as possible. However, Subaru stopped him. He put the page with the newly arranged lyrics right in front of his face and cleared his throat. Shota grabbed it and tried to read it without paying much attention.
“I can barely understand anything,” he sighed, giving up. “This is a mess.”
“I want to see you even though you're right here…” Subaru’s voice sounded soft. “See, even today, you seem so distant…” He reached out to touch Shota’s cheek with the back of his hand. “I want to feel your skin...”
Shota closed his eyes and sobbed quietly. It was so real, so touching, so Subaru-ish that he wanted to cry. Every single cell of his body reacted to his voice, that clear voice that echoed against the walls of the buildings. No, no, no. Don’t do this again, don’t make it harder. Please. I beg you, don’t make the wound deeper. Subaru silenced his thoughts with a kiss. Then, he put his arm around his shoulders and drew him closer; he took his kohai’s hand and made him feel his chest. His heart was beating slowly.
“It doesn’t hurt anymore - my chest.” He smiled. “You healed me, Shota.”
I’m glad, Shota wanted to say, though he couldn’t. Instead, he lightly pushed Subaru aside and stood up, finally getting the letter from between the books inside his satchel. Time to leave.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I have to go now. I…have things to do.”
“Can’t you stay for a little while?” Subaru asked, though he didn’t really try to stop him.
Shota didn’t answer. He just handed the envelope to him and left without saying anything, holding back his tears. Subaru looked at the characters on the paper and frowned.
“Wait! When will we meet again? Tomorrow?” he yelled out.
Thanks for reading~