As soon as I'm left alone--

[juggalulz]

Who: Gamzee and Karkat
When: Late Tuesday night, very soon after this encounter
Where: Gamzee's block
Summary: There was a...little slip-up in Gamzee's whole "trying not to murder people" thing. In the form of one of Karkat and Gamzee's good friends. Karkat tries to find out what the hell is going on.
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Swearing and talk of

Comments

[juggalulz]

He screws his eyes shut, hard, and he doesn't even register that tears fall from his eyes until they drip off his chin and hit his hands--leaving awkward, wet trails through his patchy white face paint. Gamzee allows himself a moment to be taken aback by it, since that was pretty new, before stepping closer to his friend.

His moirail.

Maybe he wasn't Karkat's moirail, maybe Karkat was just pretending. But fuck everything, Gamzee couldn't think of him any other way.

"Ain't....ain't your fault, brother. It's me. I'm panfucked and--this--it's this indigo chuckleshit, indigo shitblood, maybe."

His voice wavers and quakes. "I didn't mean to. Seemed like the only....fucking option, in that exact motherfuckin' moment. Thought I was better at bein' alone than this...when...I was always alone, before. Not any fucking good at it anymore...like a motherfucker used to be."

He wanted to take Kanaya away from Vriska, like Vriska took Tavros away from him. And that thought makes him feel sick. Gamzee has never felt these types of emotions before, and a fresh swell of tears threaten the brink of his eyelids.

"....what can I do? Are you--to make you okay...?"

[sufferheir]

Karkat stared into nothing for a few more seconds, because his gaze cautiously flickered over to Gamzee. He furrowed his brow, worried and hurt, and then rubbed his hand over his face like he was trying to wipe away his own pain.

"This...this can't happen again," he said, his voice rough and shaken. "We have to make this not happen again, please."

God, what if she didn't come back? What if she was dead forever? Fuck. Fuck, come on, keep it together.

[juggalulz]

That voice from his fucking mind-abyss is yelling that it's not Karkat's decision what happens and what doesn't happen, that he's not in charge here, but it's so quiet that Gamzee squeezes his eyes shut hard, shuts him up, and opens them again.

"...okay."

He knows it sounds stupid, but he doesn't know what else to say.

"...thought...maybe she was just coming to say hi to a brother." He rubs his eyes roughly with the front of his arm and smears his ruined makeup even more. "Thought maybe..."

"............I'm fuckin' sorry."

Gamzee doesn't know what else to say, really, he really, really doesn't. He realizes that he really wants any kind of comforting words, or a hug, or just someone to tell him he's not completely unfixable, but the way Karkat's reacting doesn't do much to help that--so maybe he can make Karkat feel better, at least. He'll apologize, because he IS sorry that he upset Karkat. But maybe not so much about anything else, or at least, as much as he probably should be.

He glances at his bed. "I'll stay under there. Don't...just don't tell any motherfuckers what happened. And I'll stay under there."

[sufferheir]

He's quiet for a long moment, his arms still around his chest. Then he breaks.

"Gamzee..." And he looks up at him, his eyebrows knit with worry and concern.

"Don't," he says, and swallows as he tries to figure out what to say. "Don't fucking talk like that, okay? It's not like you're...like you're..." He shakes his head. "This wasn't you. And she shouldn't have pushed you, that isn't your fault."

"I should have stopped this and I fucked up, but it's...it's not permanent. We can make this okay."

[juggalulz]

He smiles, crooked and sad. "It's my fuckin' fault, brother. At the motherfuckin' bloodpumper of it all. A motherfucker....knows that. Right now."

"And it definitely ain't yours." Karkat being here was probably the only reason Gamzee didn't completely do a swan dive off the deep end forever, in the first place.

"If she weren't all close with....fuckin' Vriska. It probably wouldn't of fuckin' gone down like that, maybe. I just can't...a motherfucker can't get it outta his..."

He scratches the back of his head, through his ratty hair and speaks quieter than before. "Missing Tavros like a motherfuck. And other stuff. Never really felt this kinda shit before." Because feeling nothing was pretty easy when you were zoning out into space.

"But....I saw fuckin' Terezi. Nothing bad happened when I saw a legisister. Just gotta figure out how to shut the bad motherfucker up. The bad me."