Lucas Lee • Take 1 • Video

[bbcarrotcooler]

[Lucas Lee comes to and jumps up as quick as his injured body will allow, hands in the air.] I'm ok!!

[And then immediately falls to a knee, cradling one arm, but looking around for the audience that isn't there. He'd just attempted a suicidal rail grind that should have ended in a much more serious fall--but for some reason, he was...mostly

Comments

[cahoooooooots]

Jeez, what an unbelievable douchebag.

[she fakes a look of surprise and stares right at the camera.] Oops, did I say that out loud?

[bbcarrotcooler]

[He answers before he even looks at the screen.] Oh man, I just love self-righteous bitches who think they're funny when they're not.

Oops, guess that was outloud too. [And then he flicks his eyes to the camera to offer a smirk, and he hesitates for just a moment. What in the hell was this chick?]

Sorry dude, but I am kind of in the middle of a crisis, so unless you have something helpful to say, you can go back to whatever creepy basement you crawled out of.

[cahoooooooots]

Oh, I have plenty of helpful things to say. I've only been here for half a human year! If I felt like it, I could give you all the information you could ever want. [smirk.] But I guess you won't be getting any of that, since I'll just be heading back to that basement I obviously live in now.

[bbcarrotcooler]

Ugh, yeah yeah. Blah blah blah, you're so special and cool and informed.

I said you can either say something helpful or go back to your creepy basement.

...you've been here for six months??

[cahoooooooots]

See, you're already recognizing my best qualities! We're going to get along just fine, Lucas. Lucas Lee. What a dumb name. Look, anyway, of course I've been here for six perigees. Months. Same thing, I guess. Because once you get here, there's only one way you're getting out, and that's dead. [it's not a threat, but the way she's baring her fangs, well.]

[bbcarrotcooler]

...uh, it's not dumb. It's fucking cool and the alliteration is awesome. What's your name, then?

[He looks a little weirded out at the fangs, but recovers fairly quickly. He's pretty sure this is just a form of ~movie magic~ anyways.] So you're saying--no one's gotten out of here? If my action movie career has taught me anything, it's that there's always something the bad guys have fucked up that you can exploit.

...I know an awesome cosmetic oral surgeon, by the way. If you're interested. Which you probably are.

[cahoooooooots]

...Action movies, huh? [oh, look whose interest you just piqued.] In that case, call me Mindfang. Marquise Mindfang if you want to keep up that alliteration thing. Fangs, by the way, are awesome, and nobody's going to convince me to get rid of them. Now, if you happen to know a good craniologist, maybe we could have him take a look at these things. [she dips her head lower to reveal the tips of those orange horns on her head. totally not fake.]

[bbcarrotcooler]

...is that seriously your name? [Because that is an awesome name, and he's making a mental note that he can use for his next movie.]

Babe, I know like...a thousand plastic surgeons who would love to take a crack at those things. I live in L.A.. But you should leave them. Those things are totally bitchin'.

Uh. What are you?

[cahoooooooots]

What's the maaaaaaaatter, Lucas? Never run into a troll before? You've probably done enough terrible movies to have a couple run-ins. Well, here's one in the flesh. [jeez, does she ever look smug.]

Besides, I really don't want to ruin my absolutely perfect everything by getting anything shaved or reduced or whatever your ridiculous human doctors would end up doing.

[bbcarrotcooler]

A troll? Like...the I-Live-Under-Bridges-And-Fuck-With-The-Three-Billy-Goats-Gruff kinda troll? [What in the actual fuck. He almost called her out as a moron, but even for a whatever-she-is, she's still female and vaguely hot, so he refrains.]

And my movies are not terrible. Haven't you ever seen Action Doctor, or Thrilled To Be Here, or...fuck...You Just Don't Exist?? I'm up there with Cage, Willis, Diesel--the masters, okay? So show a little respect, Mindfang.

[cahoooooooots]

[she's also 13, Lucas.] Nope! But if that's the best way you know to rationalize the whole thing then let's go with it!

[oh boy, you said the C-word.] Cage? Cage, the human actor Nicolas Cage, that Cage? You're in movies like his? ...I mean not that I care obviously, I mean Con Air was pretty okay, it wasn't anything I loved or anything.

[bbcarrotcooler]

[fff well shit. Here's to hoping that troll years are longer than human years!] ...okay.

Yeah, that Nicolas Cage. We're two of the top actors in our field, right now. I was in talks to costar with him in this totally epic sounding movie--he'd be a retired police helicopter pilot who'd put all that action behind him, and I'd be the up and coming, mouthy, hot-shot pilot on the force--and we'd team up to take out a gang of sky pirates. But. Considering my ass seems to be stuck here...I guess that's shot to shit. Ugh, god, my agent is going to be so pissed.

[cahoooooooots]

[going by troll years she's six!! jeez you just can't win. don't worry, that's never stopped her before. especially with this Cage stuff going on. this is good information for her to know. and no, she is not looking at him in some weird sort of admiration, that's preposterous.]

Wow, that movie sounds... stupid and pretentious and dumb, and not even a little interesting. Shut up. Like Nic Cage could ever put action behind him anyway.

[bbcarrotcooler]

[oh god, just don't tell TMZ. Or Chris Hansen.]

Well, tch. Obviously Nic would never put action behind him--he's the fucking man. But his character did.

You shut up. It was gonna be incredible, we'd already read lines and discussed characterizations and everything. But I guess there's no accounting for taste. [Though he does notice the odd look she's giving him, and he puffs up a little for effect.]

[cahoooooooots]

Yeah but there's some suspension of disbelief that's gotta come into play! [jeez she sounds so dumb right now. she shakes her head quickly.]

Whatever, it's not important how great the movie you were going to make with him was or wasn't going to be. What were we even talking about before you brought him up? Your other stupid movies? Hold on, did you say Action Doctor? I think Ramona said something-[shit. she forgot about what had just happened to Ramona. wow, she suddenly does not look anywhere near as friendly as she just did.]

[bbcarrotcooler]

I know--I thought the same thing! [...you can either take that as what you said wasn't dumb, or as more proof that it was.] But you know...makeup teams are miracle workers. And Cage has acting range, dude.

Yeah, Action Doctor...[He lowers his voice a little.] "The good news is, you're going to live. The bad news is...he's going to kill you." I play this--

--wait. Ramona?

You know Ramona?