different things
so i feel like i got a new appreciation for how great derin's personality is. she's like super hilarious, amazingly articulate and intelligent, and nice. not that i didn't know this before but...we've known each other for over 7 years now, and for the overwhelming majority of those 7 years we at least talk on an everyday basis...so it's like i got used to her. but she's great.
mamyrah is like the nicest person i know. she is so willing to do things for other people.
um...i feel less tired now that i got a whole grip of sleep all together but...i think i need one more good night. i feel pretty energized at the moment though.
i was having this dream...that i was supposed to meet up with walt at his apartment to tutor him in spanish. but i had lost track of time and was going to be late, so i called him to say sorry i'm late but i'm on the way now...and he was like oh that's cool, i'm feeling sick so i was gonna call you to cancel anyway cuz i don't feel like learning. and i was just about to tell him "well i'll come anyway because i miss you"...like in my dream i had just said the "Well" part when i woke up, cuz my phone's text message alert was going off. and i knew it was going to be him...and it was...he was texting to say he was getting back to ft. lauderdale today.
it hasn't really sunken in for me that i'm in miami to stay...for awhile anyway.
i need to e-mail elena back, and tarik.
mamyrah and james invited me to go movie hopping with them today. i want to go and i don't...i want to go because if i don't i know i'll just be sitting around feeling lame. i don't want to go because i don't want to spend money, and i don't want to spend my whole day in dark theaters. plus i'm feeling in a kind of pensive mood where i just want to read and write all day.
i have to call my mom later.
this weekend was crazy busy. i have to buy a new camera charger because the one i left at amanda's house is missing. :( so i have no pictures.
after we got back from dropping derin off at the airport for her 6am flight, we stayed up talking til 7:30 this AM about different things...we started talking about relationships...about being with someone because they fit your list of qualities versus being with someone because you feel "that thing", chemistry or a connection with them. and which one is more important in a scenario where you don't have both. i'm confused about it...
like i was thinking about t...he has a few qualities as a person that i like, that would put him in the "marriage material" category. i feel somewhat embarrassed to say it, but it's true. i mean obviously there are some things i don't like...but anyway. i might have said this the other day, i can't remember but...in terms of my being around people in general but especially in considering my being in a relationship with a person...i want to be with someone i wouldn't mind being the parent of my child. more specifically, i think i have certain traits that would make me a good parent, while i lack other things. so i specifically am looking for someone who has the qualities i think i lack. & that's one of the things that puts t in the marriage material category...he has a nurturing type of personality. but then he has other things i like...obviously we share a lot of 'cultural' things in common by virtue of coming from the same place, and having some of the same values.
so i'm like hmm...so does that mean i think he looks good on paper? or is it that i think i feel "that thing"? because honestly if i were to write up a character to be my life partner, he would not make the cut.
so is that the difference between chemistry and an ideal mate? i feel like this is harder for me because i haven't conceptualized what my ideal would be.
my tonsils got really inflamed, so i can't use black & milds as my stress relief...and i can't use alcohol because it's so debilitating. as is eating too much...smoking weed works in really small doses...i need something else though...i guess i can stretch & meditate...
i'm at mam's apartment right now...i think i'm waiting for them...but i think they are boning...so i think i'm going to leave....maybe? it's so weird.
speaking of boning...i was like craving penis last night. it was so sad. cuz i was craving it tobias. man i'm tellin you...that last time...was amazing...like on an emotional level too. it was very great.
i keep telling myself i want to see if something will happen between me & walt but i feel like that would be...bad. he's too something. just how indirect he is really annoys me. i dunno. can't put my finger on it but...yeah...maybe it's because we've never been friends, so i don't trust him.
another thing mam & i were talking about...
i feel like my conceptions about a "life partner" are kinda fucked up. like in my mind it's very much a communal thing. the idea of just being with my 1 person...and it's all about us as a partnership...does not appeal to me at all. in my head, i see myself as part of my family , circle of friends, and greater community...and that whoever i'm with, is a part of that too...and it wouldn't be some thing where we've been dating for awhile and i wonder "oh are my friends going to like him/her? is he/she gonna get along with my family?" because it will be someone who was already there, so everybody already knows the person...i definitely believe that whoever i end up with is going to be someone who is a friend, even if the reason we became friends was because of an attraction or that the way we became friends was through dating.
but the idea of some immediately intensely passionate affair leading to solid relationship not only seems infeasible to me, it's undesirable. i would prefer a slow burn type of situation...like yeah i might initially feel something but...there's no rush to act on things until enough time has elapsed to see if there is longer term compatibility.
like v is basically with this guy right now...they met through a mutual good friend...they hit it off on day one...had sex shortly thereafter...it's been 2 months now, they have sex frequently, spend a lot of time with just the 2 of them and then spend a lot of time hanging out in their circle of friends...so they see each other all the time, talk to each other all the time...and it was such an immediate thing that they hopped into acting like boyfriend/girlfriend, i think about you all the time so i'm with you as much as possible and when i can't be with you i call you...like that shit doesn't appeal to me at all.
at least for the moment, i don't even think i have it in me to be that type of infatuated with a person.
the tarot card reading i did before i left home (that i hope is accurate because it showed various types of success in life) showed me being in some type of unconventional relationship...the reading said like interracial, but i'm guessing that could be a gay relationship too? lol i was thinking about that last night cuz i met this white guy that seemed really cool.
"punish" is a really funny word to me. it just sounds weird to my ears.
what else...i dunno, time to go.
mamyrah is like the nicest person i know. she is so willing to do things for other people.
um...i feel less tired now that i got a whole grip of sleep all together but...i think i need one more good night. i feel pretty energized at the moment though.
i was having this dream...that i was supposed to meet up with walt at his apartment to tutor him in spanish. but i had lost track of time and was going to be late, so i called him to say sorry i'm late but i'm on the way now...and he was like oh that's cool, i'm feeling sick so i was gonna call you to cancel anyway cuz i don't feel like learning. and i was just about to tell him "well i'll come anyway because i miss you"...like in my dream i had just said the "Well" part when i woke up, cuz my phone's text message alert was going off. and i knew it was going to be him...and it was...he was texting to say he was getting back to ft. lauderdale today.
it hasn't really sunken in for me that i'm in miami to stay...for awhile anyway.
i need to e-mail elena back, and tarik.
mamyrah and james invited me to go movie hopping with them today. i want to go and i don't...i want to go because if i don't i know i'll just be sitting around feeling lame. i don't want to go because i don't want to spend money, and i don't want to spend my whole day in dark theaters. plus i'm feeling in a kind of pensive mood where i just want to read and write all day.
i have to call my mom later.
this weekend was crazy busy. i have to buy a new camera charger because the one i left at amanda's house is missing. :( so i have no pictures.
after we got back from dropping derin off at the airport for her 6am flight, we stayed up talking til 7:30 this AM about different things...we started talking about relationships...about being with someone because they fit your list of qualities versus being with someone because you feel "that thing", chemistry or a connection with them. and which one is more important in a scenario where you don't have both. i'm confused about it...
like i was thinking about t...he has a few qualities as a person that i like, that would put him in the "marriage material" category. i feel somewhat embarrassed to say it, but it's true. i mean obviously there are some things i don't like...but anyway. i might have said this the other day, i can't remember but...in terms of my being around people in general but especially in considering my being in a relationship with a person...i want to be with someone i wouldn't mind being the parent of my child. more specifically, i think i have certain traits that would make me a good parent, while i lack other things. so i specifically am looking for someone who has the qualities i think i lack. & that's one of the things that puts t in the marriage material category...he has a nurturing type of personality. but then he has other things i like...obviously we share a lot of 'cultural' things in common by virtue of coming from the same place, and having some of the same values.
so i'm like hmm...so does that mean i think he looks good on paper? or is it that i think i feel "that thing"? because honestly if i were to write up a character to be my life partner, he would not make the cut.
so is that the difference between chemistry and an ideal mate? i feel like this is harder for me because i haven't conceptualized what my ideal would be.
my tonsils got really inflamed, so i can't use black & milds as my stress relief...and i can't use alcohol because it's so debilitating. as is eating too much...smoking weed works in really small doses...i need something else though...i guess i can stretch & meditate...
i'm at mam's apartment right now...i think i'm waiting for them...but i think they are boning...so i think i'm going to leave....maybe? it's so weird.
speaking of boning...i was like craving penis last night. it was so sad. cuz i was craving it tobias. man i'm tellin you...that last time...was amazing...like on an emotional level too. it was very great.
i keep telling myself i want to see if something will happen between me & walt but i feel like that would be...bad. he's too something. just how indirect he is really annoys me. i dunno. can't put my finger on it but...yeah...maybe it's because we've never been friends, so i don't trust him.
another thing mam & i were talking about...
i feel like my conceptions about a "life partner" are kinda fucked up. like in my mind it's very much a communal thing. the idea of just being with my 1 person...and it's all about us as a partnership...does not appeal to me at all. in my head, i see myself as part of my family , circle of friends, and greater community...and that whoever i'm with, is a part of that too...and it wouldn't be some thing where we've been dating for awhile and i wonder "oh are my friends going to like him/her? is he/she gonna get along with my family?" because it will be someone who was already there, so everybody already knows the person...i definitely believe that whoever i end up with is going to be someone who is a friend, even if the reason we became friends was because of an attraction or that the way we became friends was through dating.
but the idea of some immediately intensely passionate affair leading to solid relationship not only seems infeasible to me, it's undesirable. i would prefer a slow burn type of situation...like yeah i might initially feel something but...there's no rush to act on things until enough time has elapsed to see if there is longer term compatibility.
like v is basically with this guy right now...they met through a mutual good friend...they hit it off on day one...had sex shortly thereafter...it's been 2 months now, they have sex frequently, spend a lot of time with just the 2 of them and then spend a lot of time hanging out in their circle of friends...so they see each other all the time, talk to each other all the time...and it was such an immediate thing that they hopped into acting like boyfriend/girlfriend, i think about you all the time so i'm with you as much as possible and when i can't be with you i call you...like that shit doesn't appeal to me at all.
at least for the moment, i don't even think i have it in me to be that type of infatuated with a person.
the tarot card reading i did before i left home (that i hope is accurate because it showed various types of success in life) showed me being in some type of unconventional relationship...the reading said like interracial, but i'm guessing that could be a gay relationship too? lol i was thinking about that last night cuz i met this white guy that seemed really cool.
"punish" is a really funny word to me. it just sounds weird to my ears.
what else...i dunno, time to go.