Bad Day
Time to write again, I'm afraid. I'm having a hard time handling my emotions today. I drank a lot last night and woke up all crazy-headed. Not hungover...just the synapses weren't firing correctly, and that's probably why I was overly sensitive today. So, I go to work and all is pretty normal until the phone rings up at the bar. I answer, and lo and behold..it's Kirk. He needs to use my computer for something tax-related, and he asks if he can come over to the apt. (while Im still at work) and use it. Also, he said he'll be getting the rest of his shit and he'd leave my car keys. I proposed a plan of "what about if I come and get you after work, and you can do it, I'll help you, and we can hang out." (Mind you, the "hanging out" idea was all him right when we broke up) Well, he says no to that, and that set me off. He's come up to the bar once since we broke up to "Hang out" and pretty much the entire time he's playing pool with other people, and the minute we're alone...he tells me he has to leave soon. He has something planned, and wont tell me what. So,anyway...my point is....it hurts. He just doesnt seem to care about me, or at least hanging out with me. So while I'm on the phone with him, he also tells me that someone is coming to help him get his shit. Oh Christ. There goes my mind again, painting pictures of him with some girl that he's fucking or planning to fuck...coming up in my place. It may or may not be true, but it hurts all the same. Damn my imagination for being quite vivid.
I hang up with him, and immediately accidently break a glass right into the ice bin. Sigh. My mind now has the chance to race along with negative, sad thoughts as I do this tedious task of taking ALL the ice out and such. The rest of the day was equally as shitty. Down to breaking another glass, and hardly making any money, then spending that little amount on needed groceries.
So, I come home about 45 min ago...and my keys are where he said they would be (except he forgot the little locking device thingy) and his shit is still on the dining table. I call him. And, surprise surprise...I'm sad all over again. I know I'll get over this. I know I'm whining right now, but good god...how could I have fucked up when this man loved me so much.
I've also taken to drinking a lot these past few days, and staying at the bar until 4am. I know, I know. I'm not trying to "drink to forget." It just seems to be the only way I can fall asleep...is if Im drunk.
I've pretty much tried everything else. Sleeping pills suck ass and make me groggy. Staying up late, trying to wear myself out doesnt work. Also, If I'm not out doing something...I just sit on my ass at the house and brood. I need to have my mind elsewhere.Blah. I'm not drinking excessive amounts though. Just often.
Damn it, I need to get my shit together. I wish I could snap back into 'ok' mode like Kirk did. Easy for him...he fell out of love with me. I didn't. Make it stop.
I hang up with him, and immediately accidently break a glass right into the ice bin. Sigh. My mind now has the chance to race along with negative, sad thoughts as I do this tedious task of taking ALL the ice out and such. The rest of the day was equally as shitty. Down to breaking another glass, and hardly making any money, then spending that little amount on needed groceries.
So, I come home about 45 min ago...and my keys are where he said they would be (except he forgot the little locking device thingy) and his shit is still on the dining table. I call him. And, surprise surprise...I'm sad all over again. I know I'll get over this. I know I'm whining right now, but good god...how could I have fucked up when this man loved me so much.
I've also taken to drinking a lot these past few days, and staying at the bar until 4am. I know, I know. I'm not trying to "drink to forget." It just seems to be the only way I can fall asleep...is if Im drunk.
I've pretty much tried everything else. Sleeping pills suck ass and make me groggy. Staying up late, trying to wear myself out doesnt work. Also, If I'm not out doing something...I just sit on my ass at the house and brood. I need to have my mind elsewhere.Blah. I'm not drinking excessive amounts though. Just often.
Damn it, I need to get my shit together. I wish I could snap back into 'ok' mode like Kirk did. Easy for him...he fell out of love with me. I didn't. Make it stop.