supposed to write this last night...
i feel fat because i am. technically i am obest because i am 20+ pounds heavier than i should be.
i feel alone because everyone around me seems to be in a relationship or they are happy enought with themselves to be okay with out a relationship.
i feel angry
i feel jealous
i feel inadequate
i'm jealous of those girls with great bodies and gorgeous features who get all the guys attention by just being in their presence.
i'm jealous of those girls like molly and amanda who can just rock out and have fun being themselves. i've always wanted that kickass attitude and punk rock look, but i can never pull it off.
i'm jealous of girls in relationships or girls that have had relationships. i don't know how to have a relationship with a guy other than just friends. in all reality, i've never been in a relationship. i don't know how to put myself out there to be available.
i have a prejudice against men. teenage guys don't know enough about life and the ones that do, i just can't seem to find. the only men who have some idea what they want in life and have goals and dreams and plans are older men and they are definately illegal.
i really don;t know what i want. i don't know who i am and i don;t know exactly who i want to be. should i be striving to be the person i want to be or figure out who the person is i am now? am i the person God wants me to be? am i striving to be the person God wants me to be? am i even asking the right questions?
i'm obsessed with sex even though i've never experience the actual sexual act. not exactly the intercourse part i'm obsessed with, but the stuff that should come before that. for some reason i want there to be one guy that completes me. someone that compliments me and vice versa.
i want someone to hold me. i want someone to love me. i want to be adorable. i want to not give a fuck. i want to not want so many damn things. i to be able to look in the mirror and love myself and the only way i can (well atleast what my mind tells me) is to be a size 0 and i'll never be that. my body structure and genes won't allow it. i want to not care about my weight. it is on my mind all the time. i'm so not fit to be in a relationship. i think i'm crazy. i think i have somethign other than just alcoholism. i think i need to be treated in a fucking psyc-ward. i don;t know what to do with myself.
when i was about 11, 12, maybe, i went to Centrifuge in Glorieta, New Mexico. one night whilst playing this weird game a guy approached me and asked why i believed in God. and i told him, because it's something to believe in. how ignorant. how stupid and pethetic. do i believe in God now mainly because i was raised to believe in him? is everything happening for a reason? or am i just over analizing things?
i don't know.
if there are three words that characterise me it would simply be " i don't know."
there are so many things i want to learn about.
i want to know multiple languages. i want to travel the world. i want to experience different religions and different cultures. i want insight into myself. i want insight into others. i want to help people. i want to be the next mother theresa. i want a copanion right there along with me. i want a huge family. i want to know what i'm getting at here.
i want to be completely honest.
i need to meditate. i need God to work his magic on me. i need to let go and let God. i need to lose weight. i need to be happy with myself in order to be happy with others. i need to not hold such high expectations on myself. i need to not under-estimate others. i need to figure out who i am. i need to read Damien again. i need to finish the Celestine Prophecy. i need a meeting. i need people to talk to. i need to get out of my head and help others... but that's what i always do instead of facing my own shit headon. i need to take sopme time out for me. i might go camping and just be one with God. i need to figure a lot of shit out.
I realized last night that i haven't been happy. i put on a mask so no one thinks anythign is wrong. i need to be honest about my feelings.
i've forgotten how to have fun. i can't just let my guards down and have fun. i take myself way too seriously because i have soo many insecurities. last night when i was at that dance everyone was having fun, but i've forgotten how to. i want to be a teenager again. i want to sneek out and go muddin' in people yards. just do petty crime that teenagers do. i find such a rush in that stuff. i don;t know what's wrong with me. i want to go to a rock concert and just fuckign go nuts and not care what people think. just go in a fucking mosh pit. i want to do those jackass stunts like me and my friends used to do. i'm trying to grow up too fast. i need to be around some kids my age.
you know, peoples' stories that i've heard say yeah i had my fun in high school and college but it was time for me to grow up. well fuck! i'm still in high school.. i need to have my fun! i need to get in trouble and test my limits. i want some badass stories to tell my kids and grandkids one day.
so tonighti'm going to go lie down.. first dsaying my prayers and just put myself in God's hands. i don't want to just say it. i want to actually let my guards down and let God do what God does best.
i feel alone because everyone around me seems to be in a relationship or they are happy enought with themselves to be okay with out a relationship.
i feel angry
i feel jealous
i feel inadequate
i'm jealous of those girls with great bodies and gorgeous features who get all the guys attention by just being in their presence.
i'm jealous of those girls like molly and amanda who can just rock out and have fun being themselves. i've always wanted that kickass attitude and punk rock look, but i can never pull it off.
i'm jealous of girls in relationships or girls that have had relationships. i don't know how to have a relationship with a guy other than just friends. in all reality, i've never been in a relationship. i don't know how to put myself out there to be available.
i have a prejudice against men. teenage guys don't know enough about life and the ones that do, i just can't seem to find. the only men who have some idea what they want in life and have goals and dreams and plans are older men and they are definately illegal.
i really don;t know what i want. i don't know who i am and i don;t know exactly who i want to be. should i be striving to be the person i want to be or figure out who the person is i am now? am i the person God wants me to be? am i striving to be the person God wants me to be? am i even asking the right questions?
i'm obsessed with sex even though i've never experience the actual sexual act. not exactly the intercourse part i'm obsessed with, but the stuff that should come before that. for some reason i want there to be one guy that completes me. someone that compliments me and vice versa.
i want someone to hold me. i want someone to love me. i want to be adorable. i want to not give a fuck. i want to not want so many damn things. i to be able to look in the mirror and love myself and the only way i can (well atleast what my mind tells me) is to be a size 0 and i'll never be that. my body structure and genes won't allow it. i want to not care about my weight. it is on my mind all the time. i'm so not fit to be in a relationship. i think i'm crazy. i think i have somethign other than just alcoholism. i think i need to be treated in a fucking psyc-ward. i don;t know what to do with myself.
when i was about 11, 12, maybe, i went to Centrifuge in Glorieta, New Mexico. one night whilst playing this weird game a guy approached me and asked why i believed in God. and i told him, because it's something to believe in. how ignorant. how stupid and pethetic. do i believe in God now mainly because i was raised to believe in him? is everything happening for a reason? or am i just over analizing things?
i don't know.
if there are three words that characterise me it would simply be " i don't know."
there are so many things i want to learn about.
i want to know multiple languages. i want to travel the world. i want to experience different religions and different cultures. i want insight into myself. i want insight into others. i want to help people. i want to be the next mother theresa. i want a copanion right there along with me. i want a huge family. i want to know what i'm getting at here.
i want to be completely honest.
i need to meditate. i need God to work his magic on me. i need to let go and let God. i need to lose weight. i need to be happy with myself in order to be happy with others. i need to not hold such high expectations on myself. i need to not under-estimate others. i need to figure out who i am. i need to read Damien again. i need to finish the Celestine Prophecy. i need a meeting. i need people to talk to. i need to get out of my head and help others... but that's what i always do instead of facing my own shit headon. i need to take sopme time out for me. i might go camping and just be one with God. i need to figure a lot of shit out.
I realized last night that i haven't been happy. i put on a mask so no one thinks anythign is wrong. i need to be honest about my feelings.
i've forgotten how to have fun. i can't just let my guards down and have fun. i take myself way too seriously because i have soo many insecurities. last night when i was at that dance everyone was having fun, but i've forgotten how to. i want to be a teenager again. i want to sneek out and go muddin' in people yards. just do petty crime that teenagers do. i find such a rush in that stuff. i don;t know what's wrong with me. i want to go to a rock concert and just fuckign go nuts and not care what people think. just go in a fucking mosh pit. i want to do those jackass stunts like me and my friends used to do. i'm trying to grow up too fast. i need to be around some kids my age.
you know, peoples' stories that i've heard say yeah i had my fun in high school and college but it was time for me to grow up. well fuck! i'm still in high school.. i need to have my fun! i need to get in trouble and test my limits. i want some badass stories to tell my kids and grandkids one day.
so tonighti'm going to go lie down.. first dsaying my prayers and just put myself in God's hands. i don't want to just say it. i want to actually let my guards down and let God do what God does best.