(no subject)
you know, i was reading some of my old entries and it's funny what people comment on. don't cha think?
anyways. i know much of you don't REALLY know what AA is about. i know i know, i didn't either, and frankly i didn't care. all i knew is it all my parents cared about and it fucked up my life. i had never been to a meeting, never really had an idea of what is was about. the only picture i had was the scene from fight club where jack goes to a testivulasr cancer meeting.
to tell you the truth. it's nothing like that. you know, AA was the only thing i truely dispised. and now it's become my life. funny how shit works out. anyway, i'm not going to preach about it or say all you goddamn fucks are alcoholics, cause that's not the case.
maybe none of you give a fuck about AA but before AA, my life was going to shit. i was fucking up.. a lot. i had turned into somethign i dispised. and this may sound cliche, but it was because of drugs and fucking alcohol. it's sad how i gave up friends for it.
i know i've made my ammends to soem of you who i left in the dust while i went along my way. i'm sorry. i truely am. if i could go back i would change it. my friends were all i had and fucking gave them up.
why would someone do that? how could a sane person leave the only real thing they had behind for soemthing that altered their minds into believeing something else?
but that's just the thing. i was too big of a puss to live in the real world. i had to create a world of my own which i could run to and escape reality. well karma's a bitch and it bit me in the ass. yeah i caught up to myself. realized how insane i was. realized how much substance could alter me. realized how many of you i left behind.
well now, i wouldn't say i left you behind, i pushed you away.
why i got so involved with drugs, there's only one reason. i was so insecure with myself that i had to create a life that was perfect, that made me perfect. when i was high, i was in it. i know many of you witnessed me in my little world, some when you never thought i was. but i've always struggled, and strove to perfection. and of course i could never achieve perfection, only one man did. but as i used more and more, i became more and more a perfectionist when i wasn't in my own world.
in the real world my life begain to go to hell, but my idea to perfection was still there. and i was not that idea of perfect.
so in my little story, this would be the part where the heavy depression started in. taking about ten times the amount of anti-depressants i was suppossed to take, digesting those lovely little diet pills i had stashed away, and then following all that down with a shit load of tequillia.
now to me, that doesn't sound like your average teenage night, sometimes morning.
to tell you the truth, i dont know why i'm saying all this. maybe i'm just tired of living a lie. maybe i just want to finally have some respect for myself.
humiliation is a great thing. at the time it seems like the worst possible place. but once you go home sleep it off, you realize the truth is finally out. that all those feelings you were holding inside are finally out. you don't have to keep up with your lies anymore. humility relieves you of self-distruction. you may loose a bit of pride and ego along the way, but can easily be restored.
i guess what i'm really trying to say is although this has been a long journey, i think i've finally figured it out.
and by it, i mean myself.
you know i'd like to end it there, but there's still so much more i need to get out.
well really, this part is more for me so you may find it necissary to stop reading now.
you know, i've hated myself for the longest time. i've been told "if you hate yourself, how do you expect for anyone to love you?"
why may i be so self-absorbed in my own perfection? so naive that i can't just live.
during my active addiction, when i was sober i couldn't function. twas sad.
sobriety now is awesome. being in this program has given me a reason to live. showed me how to live. gave me chance when no one else would. humbled me. excepted me.
i guess a lot of my life was based on exception. perfection = exception.
"the people we want to impress are the ones that don't except us."
tis true. tis true.
i guess a lot for me has to do with love. i needed soemthing to love. i needed to feel love. i couldn't love myself so i knew, nothing nor no one could love me. i guess i was a bit naive in thinking everything should be about love.
i miss a lot of things. i just want to get with a bunch of people and go dancing. no drugs. no alcohol. just fun. i just want to go out and not care.
i've been stuck inside for too long that i just want to go out and live.
i want to go to canada. i want to go to paris. i want to go on a road trip. i want to go streaking again. i want to just be a kid. i'm tired of having to be so mature.
whoever is with me to just go out and be a kid again... call me. i miss my innocence.
anyways. i know much of you don't REALLY know what AA is about. i know i know, i didn't either, and frankly i didn't care. all i knew is it all my parents cared about and it fucked up my life. i had never been to a meeting, never really had an idea of what is was about. the only picture i had was the scene from fight club where jack goes to a testivulasr cancer meeting.
to tell you the truth. it's nothing like that. you know, AA was the only thing i truely dispised. and now it's become my life. funny how shit works out. anyway, i'm not going to preach about it or say all you goddamn fucks are alcoholics, cause that's not the case.
maybe none of you give a fuck about AA but before AA, my life was going to shit. i was fucking up.. a lot. i had turned into somethign i dispised. and this may sound cliche, but it was because of drugs and fucking alcohol. it's sad how i gave up friends for it.
i know i've made my ammends to soem of you who i left in the dust while i went along my way. i'm sorry. i truely am. if i could go back i would change it. my friends were all i had and fucking gave them up.
why would someone do that? how could a sane person leave the only real thing they had behind for soemthing that altered their minds into believeing something else?
but that's just the thing. i was too big of a puss to live in the real world. i had to create a world of my own which i could run to and escape reality. well karma's a bitch and it bit me in the ass. yeah i caught up to myself. realized how insane i was. realized how much substance could alter me. realized how many of you i left behind.
well now, i wouldn't say i left you behind, i pushed you away.
why i got so involved with drugs, there's only one reason. i was so insecure with myself that i had to create a life that was perfect, that made me perfect. when i was high, i was in it. i know many of you witnessed me in my little world, some when you never thought i was. but i've always struggled, and strove to perfection. and of course i could never achieve perfection, only one man did. but as i used more and more, i became more and more a perfectionist when i wasn't in my own world.
in the real world my life begain to go to hell, but my idea to perfection was still there. and i was not that idea of perfect.
so in my little story, this would be the part where the heavy depression started in. taking about ten times the amount of anti-depressants i was suppossed to take, digesting those lovely little diet pills i had stashed away, and then following all that down with a shit load of tequillia.
now to me, that doesn't sound like your average teenage night, sometimes morning.
to tell you the truth, i dont know why i'm saying all this. maybe i'm just tired of living a lie. maybe i just want to finally have some respect for myself.
humiliation is a great thing. at the time it seems like the worst possible place. but once you go home sleep it off, you realize the truth is finally out. that all those feelings you were holding inside are finally out. you don't have to keep up with your lies anymore. humility relieves you of self-distruction. you may loose a bit of pride and ego along the way, but can easily be restored.
i guess what i'm really trying to say is although this has been a long journey, i think i've finally figured it out.
and by it, i mean myself.
you know i'd like to end it there, but there's still so much more i need to get out.
well really, this part is more for me so you may find it necissary to stop reading now.
you know, i've hated myself for the longest time. i've been told "if you hate yourself, how do you expect for anyone to love you?"
why may i be so self-absorbed in my own perfection? so naive that i can't just live.
during my active addiction, when i was sober i couldn't function. twas sad.
sobriety now is awesome. being in this program has given me a reason to live. showed me how to live. gave me chance when no one else would. humbled me. excepted me.
i guess a lot of my life was based on exception. perfection = exception.
"the people we want to impress are the ones that don't except us."
tis true. tis true.
i guess a lot for me has to do with love. i needed soemthing to love. i needed to feel love. i couldn't love myself so i knew, nothing nor no one could love me. i guess i was a bit naive in thinking everything should be about love.
i miss a lot of things. i just want to get with a bunch of people and go dancing. no drugs. no alcohol. just fun. i just want to go out and not care.
i've been stuck inside for too long that i just want to go out and live.
i want to go to canada. i want to go to paris. i want to go on a road trip. i want to go streaking again. i want to just be a kid. i'm tired of having to be so mature.
whoever is with me to just go out and be a kid again... call me. i miss my innocence.