in need of change

Apr 20, 2011 19:17

I didn’t go to South Carolina, it just didn’t feel right. Something in my soul told me not to. It’s been a little over a month, but I think looking back now, I regret at least not going for an interview.

I’m ready for a new job, a big girl job. I feel like right now, I’m stuck in a rut and genuinely unhappy with where I am in life. When I was younger, I used to think I’d be married by now, with a house, a job, and even a baby. Right now all I can think about is finding a new job and a good one at that. I’m tired of working Saturday mornings and I’m tired of working ridiculous hours. I’m craving a big change in my life, I’m just too scared to move out of the comfort zone I’m in.

MOSES- I wrote about him in my last post, and since then, we’ve been dating. There are so many things that I really enjoy and admire about him, but there are so many things that may cause me to ultimately end whatever it is that we’re doing. I like his quirky dance, his need to be clean, and his free spirit. I love that we can’t go anywhere without him knowing someone. I like that he pets and kisses me to sleep and cuddles me the entire night. During the night he whispers the sweetest things to me when we change positions. And when I stay in bed while he goes to work, he always kiss me good bye and tells me he loves me. Every physical thing I’ve ever wanted from a relationship, he gives me and more, but emotionally he drives me crazy. He constantly says he doesn’t trust me, he gives up on our relationship so easily, he drinks nearly every night, and still can’t admit to himself that he’s dating someone 11 years younger than him. I feel like I’m holding back from showing him how awesome of a girlfriend I can be because I always think we’re going to end, but deep down, I really want this to work. We have so much fun together and really great moments. He took me to Biloxi for an amazing day get away, we’ve had many days playing around in the quarter, running together, French Quarter Fest, cheering for his Iron Man run, and the thing that I adore the most, our pillow time. I know I’m a strong person, but I feel like I’m an emotional wreck because of this guy. He told me he loved me after us only seeing each other for a month; and I don’t know whether I’m more stupid for believing him or telling him I loved him back this soon.

(I think I have a curse on me that makes whoever I’m dating fall in love with me.)

I miss how much Jay adored me and would bend over backwards to make me happy, he would literally do ANYTHING for me. I miss how goofy and free I could be with Andrew, and I miss that he played guitar for me all the time. And I enjoy Moses’ love for New Orleans and always being active. I just wish I could combine the three to make the perfect guy for me. Maybe the next guy I date will be a combination of them all.
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