about that...

[a_drive_north]

ive made some pretty fucked up choices in the past couple weeks, i shouldnt be lieing to my parents but i cant help it because i know they dont like keith, and if im with him i think they might get mad, so i havent been telling them, but come to find out they dont care if im with him they just dont like him at my house. i guess i just dont undertand anymore. things are getting to hard around here, and i havent really talked to anyone about anything. at all. like i just feel like i cant because i dont think anyone will understand and yeah all my friends are right i do think my parents are hard on me and a little weird but maybe they are right. like i know this is how it was in there houses when they were growing up, like they had to cheak in but im not saying that is a big deal because its not, i mean i just feel like im pushed with everything like idk i mean when i dont call i get yelled at so i do call and they dont answer the phone but i leave message after message, but i guess it doesnt count because i didnt talk to anyone, but who told me that? no one, and in the message i said call me back please. so wtf. i just dont think things are fair. at all, i mean latey i cleaned the basement, and i did my own wash i cleaned the kitchen and took the dishes out of the dish washer and put them away and whenever i dirtyed a dish i put it in the dishwasher i clean my bathroom and i cleaned my room i even took all my shoes like out of kitchen and out of the hall way and i even clean up in the computer room a little, but what do i get like one losey complament on the kitchen. i feel like i try to do everything for them but what i do is never good enough. like am i really not good enough? i know im not all you wanted me to be but still. im trying my hardest. i really am like all my grades arnt for me, they are for my mom because i know thats the only thing she really cares about and its the same for my dad all they care about is my grades, yeah they think my dancing is cool and is good for me, but i dont think they relize what it does for me, like yeah its fun and its good for my body and all that but its something else for me like yeah im glad it keeps me looking good, and im glad its fun and good for me, but it also makes me feel better about myself, because i know im no good in life, like i dont have that much goin on right now, or ever really. yeah dance and school and thats all its about yeah ive got alot of good and cool friends but shit. they dont care about my friends yeah i know its good for me to have friends but they dont care. ugh i just feel really really distant from them and i dont like it but i dont want to talk to them because im afrad that they are just going to judge me more and more each day. this sucks. 
big balls.
and i hate it.
and im sorry that i didnt come home on my uncles birthday and im sorry that they are in the nursing home and im also sorry i put you thru all this, allie, keith, megan, amanda, jillian, mom and dad. ugh. im suh a fuck up. i dont feel like doing this anymore like at all.
i hate it.
how im always upset like this
yeah like with johnny, i was upset the hole time i was with him, but i couldnt say anything because he was happy and i liked seeing him happy because i thought he wasnt happy in the first place. ugh i give in to easly im done doin that too. im dont giving into things i dont want to do. and im done with people i dont like or with people who walk all over me. if im going to have friends i want them to like me for me and i want to like them for them. and if your going to be a fake bitch to me then i just wont talk to you anymore i mean i might have to see you a lot and i might have to talk to you but i will not be your friend if you are just going to be a straight up bitch. i hate people like that i hate people who think they are just so hot and so rich and so everything, well god damnit everything isnt about you. other people matter to and the world does not revolve around your stupid ass. whatever i hate fakers. i hate them so much. and you know what else i hate i hate liers, i know i lie alot but about serious shit and not about little shit. little stupid shit too. oh and also if i had a friend that was in need of something and couldnt find anyone else to help them out i would be there in a heart beat, and i hate when people ditch other people and then want to hang out the next day i think thats fucking stupid. 
and i also hate how much i hate. 
i dont want to hate people.
but its just the way they are. 
i cant deal with it. 
and i hate how differnt me and my dad are but i also hate how much we are the same. i mean we are so alike.
i cant be on this computer this late sherry has to work in the morning.....