i claim nullification over my spelling mistakes.
i am drinking merlot frmo a glass the size of a small fish bowl, and it's full...soon to be empty. I can't really explain the frustration and the glassy angry i've felt towards so many people in the last six weeks. HONESTLY!
what have I been doing?!
HOLY CRAP!
well.. I am working at Barnes and NObles again..boring ass job, but what's a poor girl to do? I'm thinking about going to do modeling again...it paid well. But i'm nto sure i'm ready for people to see me naked. I have lots-o-goals to make before I go to SF, so we'll see. it makes sense in my head, go along with it. I've written this post over and over silently to my self, just like I've told the boy i'm currently smitten with that I love him dearly over and over again. I actually can't wait to go on and spill the beans because it will either mean a beginning or and end. I hope the end isn't forever, but what's a girl to do?
art wise I'm infatuated with the idea of art. I teach a figure drawing class at Torrey Pines and I feel so inspired by these fine individuals, it's kind of crazy. They make me understand why I do art, why I live art. I see how much talent is held in the room and their belief that they can recreate what's in front of them and I love it. We have talks afterwards and we can delve into things just as well as any college class, if not better. I feel like I'm making some sort of difference in their lives too. That sounds extremely pretentious, but honestly, teaching the basics of figure and drawing myself has changed me for the better. I want to give a lecture on what art means and what it is to one artist, sp0eaking from my own perspective as I can't say for every artist. When I draw it takes me to a higher level, one that can be compared with something as divine as God. I don't believe in the dude, but it's defintely reaching the same level. Some might not believe me because I don't "do" art as often as I should, but when I'm by myself and I feel soemthing in my gut I can't get away from feeling like nothing else in the world matters and everything else and fuck all.
I get this feeling in astronomy as well. I can seriously visualize how small we actally are. My teacher, Rica French, LOOK HER UP, has made me seriuously think about studying astronomy in my later years. I can't get enough of it. Best class, best choice, I've ever made in my life. The thought of time travel, and the power one can have over an entire galaxy is so intimidating and these people we ignore at NASA understand more about ourselves than we ever will. They know more about the ideas of THE beginning. Nothing in conclusive, but everything is relative. We watched two galaxies coliding into one another and I almost cried. I know pathetic, but honestly if you saw the transformation between a spiral galaxy and an irrgeular galaxy and then relaize that this is going to happen with our own galaxy and Andromeda, OH MAN. you would be crying to. Not in fear, mind you, but in awe. You feel a certain power when you know what your own fate is. It's like knowing what really happens after death. YOU KNOW that the world will destory itself one day, we just won't be around to see it, but let me tell you, we all will go out with a bang. a rather large bang too. More massive than a supernova. Or a Type II supernova to be exact.
the wine is starting to kick in.
I've been dealing with work a lot lately.For some reason the sotre manager seems to think I'm an idiot and that I won't speak up when I'm getting screwed over...so I decided to prove her wrong. The short story is for those that dont' care for the longer version is that illegal activity was being taken place, I was being scrwed over, I did something about it, now I"m getting my way. so basically be happy for me that I'm not a pussy. MUhahahaha.
I didn't really eat today...goodness.
I'm teaching myself the bass, and I'm at the point where I can read the music for it and be able to play it if given the music..(that was redundent).
THe clarinet is in my hands once more and it feels like coming home.
The piano that sits in my room has never been so abused with harsh mistakes and never ending cords that make no sense. I love jazz.
I bought this book of walk ons for the bass and it came with a cd that has basic jazz on it so you cna play to it and feel like you're actually with a band. I used that for the clarinet and the piano and it's helped a lot more than I thought it would. I'm kind of afriad to leave this availiblity when I go back to SF.
I'm also afraid that I will be poor forever. I calculated my expenses and how much I have to make during a year in order to be alive pretty much and it's not and easy amount to grasp. Next year will not only challenge my ability to stay alive, but to ....be alive. I guess that means no more wine....
I have so much I want to say, but I feel like I should say it to someone face to face instead of through this journal.I have never felt so secure in an insecure state. It's like being in purgetory.
I have taken too many pictures to show. I have drawn to much to scan, and I've worn out my hand from
yes.
and so I leave you with this.
kitty.may all your dreams be happy.
have a nice day.
what have I been doing?!
HOLY CRAP!
well.. I am working at Barnes and NObles again..boring ass job, but what's a poor girl to do? I'm thinking about going to do modeling again...it paid well. But i'm nto sure i'm ready for people to see me naked. I have lots-o-goals to make before I go to SF, so we'll see. it makes sense in my head, go along with it. I've written this post over and over silently to my self, just like I've told the boy i'm currently smitten with that I love him dearly over and over again. I actually can't wait to go on and spill the beans because it will either mean a beginning or and end. I hope the end isn't forever, but what's a girl to do?
art wise I'm infatuated with the idea of art. I teach a figure drawing class at Torrey Pines and I feel so inspired by these fine individuals, it's kind of crazy. They make me understand why I do art, why I live art. I see how much talent is held in the room and their belief that they can recreate what's in front of them and I love it. We have talks afterwards and we can delve into things just as well as any college class, if not better. I feel like I'm making some sort of difference in their lives too. That sounds extremely pretentious, but honestly, teaching the basics of figure and drawing myself has changed me for the better. I want to give a lecture on what art means and what it is to one artist, sp0eaking from my own perspective as I can't say for every artist. When I draw it takes me to a higher level, one that can be compared with something as divine as God. I don't believe in the dude, but it's defintely reaching the same level. Some might not believe me because I don't "do" art as often as I should, but when I'm by myself and I feel soemthing in my gut I can't get away from feeling like nothing else in the world matters and everything else and fuck all.
I get this feeling in astronomy as well. I can seriously visualize how small we actally are. My teacher, Rica French, LOOK HER UP, has made me seriuously think about studying astronomy in my later years. I can't get enough of it. Best class, best choice, I've ever made in my life. The thought of time travel, and the power one can have over an entire galaxy is so intimidating and these people we ignore at NASA understand more about ourselves than we ever will. They know more about the ideas of THE beginning. Nothing in conclusive, but everything is relative. We watched two galaxies coliding into one another and I almost cried. I know pathetic, but honestly if you saw the transformation between a spiral galaxy and an irrgeular galaxy and then relaize that this is going to happen with our own galaxy and Andromeda, OH MAN. you would be crying to. Not in fear, mind you, but in awe. You feel a certain power when you know what your own fate is. It's like knowing what really happens after death. YOU KNOW that the world will destory itself one day, we just won't be around to see it, but let me tell you, we all will go out with a bang. a rather large bang too. More massive than a supernova. Or a Type II supernova to be exact.
the wine is starting to kick in.
I've been dealing with work a lot lately.For some reason the sotre manager seems to think I'm an idiot and that I won't speak up when I'm getting screwed over...so I decided to prove her wrong. The short story is for those that dont' care for the longer version is that illegal activity was being taken place, I was being scrwed over, I did something about it, now I"m getting my way. so basically be happy for me that I'm not a pussy. MUhahahaha.
I didn't really eat today...goodness.
I'm teaching myself the bass, and I'm at the point where I can read the music for it and be able to play it if given the music..(that was redundent).
THe clarinet is in my hands once more and it feels like coming home.
The piano that sits in my room has never been so abused with harsh mistakes and never ending cords that make no sense. I love jazz.
I bought this book of walk ons for the bass and it came with a cd that has basic jazz on it so you cna play to it and feel like you're actually with a band. I used that for the clarinet and the piano and it's helped a lot more than I thought it would. I'm kind of afriad to leave this availiblity when I go back to SF.
I'm also afraid that I will be poor forever. I calculated my expenses and how much I have to make during a year in order to be alive pretty much and it's not and easy amount to grasp. Next year will not only challenge my ability to stay alive, but to ....be alive. I guess that means no more wine....
I have so much I want to say, but I feel like I should say it to someone face to face instead of through this journal.I have never felt so secure in an insecure state. It's like being in purgetory.
I have taken too many pictures to show. I have drawn to much to scan, and I've worn out my hand from
yes.
and so I leave you with this.
kitty.may all your dreams be happy.
have a nice day.