This snake oil makes a great marinade.
I was over at my sister-in-law's house for dinner recently. It was a very nice dinner and that shouldn't be overlooked, given the contents of the rest of this entry. They are always nice dinners, M. is a great cook. We were talking about my wife's amusing and awesome idea for weight loss - mine, not hers - which is that if I lose 3lbs in two weeks, she bakes me a pie. It sounds counter productive, but it is actually the only thing that has caused me to drop a few pounds since the astonishingly violent case of food poisoning at Holden Village a few years ago. So knock it if you want, but I will lose weight for pie/microbial gastro-intestinal terrorists. Which plan do you want me to be on the next time I fix you a drink?
Above: Step 1 of the Holden Village Two-Step.
Anyway, we started talking about the Mercola diet. This is currently what the big spinning wheel of random pseudo-science has currently landed on for the Scholz sisters. Give it a month or two and they'll be onto something else, like only eating things that have been exposed to the sun for more than 8 hours a day because otherwise something something western agriculture something something factory system something something healthy. Carol doesn't get drawn into that so much, probably because it is hard to get enthusiastic about something while I'm skeptically tutting all the time and also she seems 2000% more worldly than her older sisters sometimes. But I've been referred to as "caught up on that whole western medicine thing" by one sister. If by "whole western medicine thing" she meant the practice that caused the global life expectancy to soar during the twentieth century, then I suppose yes, I am somewhat caught up in that. The world didn't suddenly get a lot healthier because Reiki practitioners cashed in their air miles. Feel free, I suppose to adopt the health and wellbeing practices of Mozambique or Zambia, I suppose, but get used to being called Oldest Person Any Of Us Have Ever Seen In Zambia at 38.
Above: The white areas are where cold, artificial Western medicine hold sway, whereas the coloured areas are where natural, wise and authentic healing methods are practiced. Pay no attention to any other text on that map.
I don't know what happened. I don't know what terrible trauma the sisters suffered at the hands of western medicine. I don't know if peer reviewed science killed their hamster when they were wee or if non-anecdotal data crashed into their parked car and left without leaving insurance details or something. I know that in general, women seem to pay a lot more attention to their digestive system - and all other systems - than men do. I didn't know why until recently, but having watched enough commercials I now know this is apparently because women have terrible trouble defecating if they don't eat yoghurts while wearing grey hoodies and chatting with their friends in sunny lounges. Also their bones break like twigs once they get past the age of forty if they don't chow down on dairy; so what I'm saying is invest in yoghurt futures.
Men eat terrible unhealthy food, which probably lowers our life expectancy, which is fine because it isn't like your 20s get shorter. But eating terrible-for-you food is where cuisine comes from - hiding how bad something is for you by making it irresistibly tasty. I suppose it makes sense; if our fore-mothers once roamed the country, foraging for food, they'd get good at choosing what was good, safe and wholesome to eat. Meanwhile our-forefathers spent all goddamned day throwing spears at this goddamned mammoth, so we're going to eat it, no matter how bad mammoth-lard is for us.
Also, I'm going to say it, hate me if you want: women believe a lot of weird stuff. Religion, for example. Women tend to be more religious than men of their same cultural background, no matter which bonkers version of Invisible Guy In Charge Of Everything Yet Also Has Time To Disapprove Over Your Shoulder they believe. Women also tend more towards preferring Twilight over Lost Boys in the Teenage Vampire genre of movies. Crazy, right?
Anyway, back to the Mercola diet. Normally, I'd let this stuff wash over me and smile politely or nod at various points I thought were held to be crucial. But my attention was caught when I was told that I looked like a Protein-Type. If it helps you to imagine my eyes spinning like slot-machine wheels that all land on T-Bone, that's fine. "Oh, yes?" said I, suddenly all ears. "Protein-type? Well, that's certainly given me lots to think about."
Carol took the Mercola diet test - you can too - and she came back as a Protein-type. If you take the test and don't come back as a protein type, I'd love to hear from you. JIM planted the seed of suspicion in my mind that all the Atkins/Mercola/Paleo-diet people are just desperate to make money off the ranches that they invested in. When I look at KK, "Devourer of Meat" is not what I think of when I see her. But apparently, she is supposed to sustain a diet where 40% of her food is protein. Me? Hell yes.
But before I jumped on the Steak and Egg highway to health, I thought I'd find out about this Dr. Mercola. All I know from his website is that he needs to spend some of the snake oil money on a web-page overhaul. But here is some stuff from the site:
"One of the dangers of living in a breakneck culture is the need for speed." I've seen Top Gun. I'm pretty certain that the need for speed was the most awesome feeling there was. Also, wouldn't the biggest danger of living in a breakneck culture be all the broken necks. I mean, I think I've identified the problem right there, I'm not even an Osteopath.
"Despite billions of dollars spent on medical research, supplements, healthier foods, and fitness clubs; more than two-thirds of the U.S. population is overweight or obese, and millions are plagued with heart disease, diabetes, and cancer. Ever ask yourself 'why'?" Actually, that's a quiz I take all the time.
Q: How come all us lazy people get fat?
A: Gluten!
Q: How come all those old people who were kept alive through previously fatal conditions get so much cancer and die?
A: Processed foods!
However, did I mention this man is advocating that I eat a high-fat, meat-centered diet? I felt it only proper to given him the benefit of several half-dozen doubts. So I googled him. Did you know there was a politically-conservative organization called the Association of American Physicians and Surgeons? Me neither. They are against universal health care, evidence based medicine mandates, abortion, emergency contraception and oddly, they're also against other doctors complaining about gun violence. Mercola is one of their guys.
He is actively anti-Food and Drug Administration, but that seems fairly mutual, since they keep warning him to stop lying when he is selling stuff. He doesn't believe HIV causes AIDS. What does cause AIDS? Gay guys using cocaine. So I don't know what you've heard about the AIDS crisis in Africa, maybe that it is killing over a million people a year, but don't worry too much about it: their parties are fabulous. Also, sunscreen gives you skin cancer. And vaccines are bad too, he says, striding around on his polio-free legs. Also, microwaves are mumble, mumble radiation!
But in looking at his various whacko, surely-out-of-the-purview-of-a-osteopathic-physician, stances, I found out that to his devotees, he wasn't opinionated enough. Emma Kwasnica was "Disappointed beyond words in Montréal," that he wanted to make a breastmilk replacement AND that he hadn't come down on one side or the other in the debate over infant circumcision. (Male circumcision that is... although he hasn't said anything about female circumcision either... OMG Dr. Mercola tacitly supports female circumcision!).Quite why someone qualified in Osteopathy should have such well-planned thoughts on diet is a mystery to me; why they should have an opinion on whether you do or do not lop bits of your kid's penis off is even more baffling. You know we don't eat with them? Right? They shouldn't be involved in mealtime. Ever.
I suppose that's the problem holistic and holy practitioners come up with. You might have one really great idea, (That which is hateful to you, do not do to your fellow) but once people get on board with that, they expect you to have answers about shellfish and breastfeeding and what happens to unbaptized babies that die and you suddenly wish you'd shut your trap about being good to your neighbours because it turns out your neighbours are all goddamned idiots. It isn't hard to feel some sympathy for Jesus, who comes off as kind of a wise hippy, even if his followers have done some fairly terrible things in his name (dead babies, btw, went to Limbo for some of the "mildest" punishment).
Above: "Wait, I said what about lesbians? No I didn't. Hey everyone! This guy is full of shit!"
A little background digging has revealed that Dr Mercola seems like a nutter to me. A nutter poised to make a fortune from his nutter followers. He is inviting us to hear what we want to hear and asking us to pay him for the privilege.
The dangerous side of that equation is not Dr Mercola, it's the nutter followers. Stop paying him and he's just a guy with some ideas about diet. Hell, I'll tell you that being fat isn't your fault and that those brainy types are out to get us with their big government and their radioactive cooking boxes. That doesn't seem hard at all.
But, hey ho, I'm up for trying anything. Good god, I tried vegetarianism once. So if he insists that any fruit I eat have to covered in some kind of fat and that I should slowly chew all the meat on the plate first before eating anything else... I'll give it a go for a while and see how it works out.
For pseudo-science.