Contemplating everything
I am so unsure of certain things. Pardon my vague reference. I am just unsure of practically everything. I am sure of few things.I know who I love, and who makes me happy. I am not sure however of what I will do. I am contemplating happiness and security or if you can have both. The things I love are not practical nor can they be really translated into a career. I am considering the potential of getting my degree in library sciences. I don't know though, am i just thinking this because it is such a reliable idea. I mean art therapy or art in general is where I would find perhaps my greatest happiness but It is simply not a career that will bring me any security in life. Joe wants to go to school for Photography and I think that is a great idea but at the same time there is hardly a real chance for both of us to make it folowing our dreams of art. In reality I think Joe is the more artistic in the sense of capable of succeding in art. I am not as safe a bet. He has aspirations of designing T-shirts and I think he would be amazing he is wicked talented. I just want to make sculptures and do crazy stuff with mosaics and things of that nature, not necessarilly marketable all the time you know. If I am to become a successful psychologist I would at least need a doctorate and I am not ready to spend another 4-5 years in school. I mean it is a possibility one day but not right now. I am also thinking that I want to get an idea of the possibility I will have with my degree. I mean who knows maybe I will be able to get a good job with a bachelor's degree. OR I will just make due for awhile . I just dont quite know yet.
Then there is my whole other conundrum. I am just so vexated on what I want right now, and I think it is simple to assume that the situation would be different if he were not so far away. I never imagined missing someone so much. It seems like everywhere I go there are couples all over eachother. It is one thing for people to be in a relationship it is another to have to watch them all over eachother. I am so lost without Joe. Then there is the side issue of my insecurity and my assumption that there is no way he can possibly be this attracted to me why would anyone? I mean really. I just keep thinking of all the girls that hit on him and I mean honestly how many times will he turn girls away. I just keep thinking that someone so much prettier will come along and he will wake up and realize that I am not that great of a catch. I mean what makes me so great to him, How is he so attracted to me. I am sure my insecurities will get the best of me if I let them.I just can't see myself the way he sees me. I love him and find him attractive, and I think that he is insecure about himself and maybe that is part of the reason he is able to find me attractive because he thinks he can't do any better. See this is what thinking gets you.
I am losing my mind.
Then there is my whole other conundrum. I am just so vexated on what I want right now, and I think it is simple to assume that the situation would be different if he were not so far away. I never imagined missing someone so much. It seems like everywhere I go there are couples all over eachother. It is one thing for people to be in a relationship it is another to have to watch them all over eachother. I am so lost without Joe. Then there is the side issue of my insecurity and my assumption that there is no way he can possibly be this attracted to me why would anyone? I mean really. I just keep thinking of all the girls that hit on him and I mean honestly how many times will he turn girls away. I just keep thinking that someone so much prettier will come along and he will wake up and realize that I am not that great of a catch. I mean what makes me so great to him, How is he so attracted to me. I am sure my insecurities will get the best of me if I let them.I just can't see myself the way he sees me. I love him and find him attractive, and I think that he is insecure about himself and maybe that is part of the reason he is able to find me attractive because he thinks he can't do any better. See this is what thinking gets you.
I am losing my mind.