My closing hasn't come yet. Not yet.

[a_calm_chaos]

So when I'm sick I do a lot of realizing and thinking and what not.
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I realize that I'm holding onto something I know nothing about.
No, make that someone.
I realize I'm turning him into what I want him to be..
not what he is. Because I know what he is. I just hate it.

I realize I don't allow myself to be happy for very long.
I realize I always have to find the bad in something, whatever it is.
I realize I cause most the pain I go through.
I realize I blame it on other people, and don't tell them.
I realize I hold grudges too long and I have too much hate.

But I also realize that I haven't been this happy in a long time.
I realize that it's hard for me to stay happy because
all I've ever known is unsatisfaction and hurt and pain.
I realize all that is over now and it's time to move on.
But I dwell on the past, because that's how I am.
I want to let go so bad, but sometimes I can't. It's hard.
I realize that I like how hard it is, as twisted as that is.

I realize that I haven't let anyone down but myself.
and that's why I'm crying. I swore I'd never let myself down.
But I did. God, and it hurts like hell. But I'm still happy.

Like I've said before, I need someone. I need the person
I've turned him into. But.. maybe he is that person.