so break me down if it makes you feel right
Last Tuesday I had my "catch-up" meeting with the president of our company. He told me I was the "quietest person at SPM by reputation" and that he had really been looking forward to meeting and getting to know me. We had a good conversation, and I left feeling very secure in my job situation. With the economy as weird as it is, and jobs difficult to find, I really don't want to be jobless right now, and I was terrified that for some reason our company would fold and I'd be out looking for work. I love my job. I love the people, the atmosphere, just about everything except the commute. I have no interest in going anywhere else, unless I can magically find a job that requires my creative writing skills or my singing voice. So, that's one thing I can stop worrying about. One thing I can cross off my list of worries, and I can breathe a little easier now.
November is almost here. I don't know that I'm going to do NaNoWriMo this year. I feel like I'm losing touch with my writing ability - I'm doubt it more and more each day. Part of me thinks it's time to pull out some of my old work, revise, send off for critique, and then revise again and see what I can make of it. The other part of me just thinks it's hopeless. I don't know if NaNo would help me this year, or if I'd just feel more like crap by trying to do it. *sighs* I haven't made a decision yet, and I'm running out of time.
My living room wall remains unfixed. I don't know what's become of the contractor we loved so well, but Krys has started looking for new possibilities. It's so frustrating. Learning that my job is secure only alleviates my worry about this project a tiny, tiny bit.
I feel so fat and ugly. I've gained weight, not a huge amount, but when you're already a big girl every little bit makes you cringe a bit, at least that's how I feel. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate what I see. I HATE it... me. It's my fucked up metabolism, since I don't eat terribly much, I don't eat tons of junk, and I get moderate exercise (the same amount that a handful of years ago helped me *lose* weight). *sighs* I don't know what to do anymore, except see a doctor, which I need to do for other reasons, too, but am terrified.
Andy's wedding is in a week, less than actually, next Friday. I am... not ready for it, in many ways. Part of me wishes he hadn't badgered me into singing, but I'm also partly thankful. I don't want to be there and at the same time I really do. It's going to be difficult. I let him and Rose ransack my closet and jewellery boxes yesterday to pick out what I should wear, because I told them I couldn't afford to buy anything new, and I didn't know what to wear. I let them have fun, via webcams and cell phones, and they've put together something I guess I'm okay wearing. I'll be in the same colour as the bride, though, and... I feel weird about that. They're having a semi-traditional Irish wedding, so she's going to wear blue, sky blue, so at least it'll be a different shade than the skirt they picked for me, but still.....
I went back to church today for the first time in two weeks. I didn't want to spend the energy to get ready and go, I was afraid of being around that many people, and I really had to psych myself up to get out of the house and go. I'm glad I went. They asked me to lead the singing again, and... when I'm singing, I feel really good inside. It isn't always the songs, because sometimes we sing some godawful songs, but something in the act of singing, the emotion it brings out in me, I don't know. I always find myself hoping they don't ask me to sing, because then I can skip out early and I don't have to interact with the service at all. But I always find myself saying yes when they ask, and feeling really good when I stand up there with the mic in my hand and feeling the music inside. It's so hard to explain... but I'm thankful for it....
*sighs*
I feel full of fail....
November is almost here. I don't know that I'm going to do NaNoWriMo this year. I feel like I'm losing touch with my writing ability - I'm doubt it more and more each day. Part of me thinks it's time to pull out some of my old work, revise, send off for critique, and then revise again and see what I can make of it. The other part of me just thinks it's hopeless. I don't know if NaNo would help me this year, or if I'd just feel more like crap by trying to do it. *sighs* I haven't made a decision yet, and I'm running out of time.
My living room wall remains unfixed. I don't know what's become of the contractor we loved so well, but Krys has started looking for new possibilities. It's so frustrating. Learning that my job is secure only alleviates my worry about this project a tiny, tiny bit.
I feel so fat and ugly. I've gained weight, not a huge amount, but when you're already a big girl every little bit makes you cringe a bit, at least that's how I feel. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate what I see. I HATE it... me. It's my fucked up metabolism, since I don't eat terribly much, I don't eat tons of junk, and I get moderate exercise (the same amount that a handful of years ago helped me *lose* weight). *sighs* I don't know what to do anymore, except see a doctor, which I need to do for other reasons, too, but am terrified.
Andy's wedding is in a week, less than actually, next Friday. I am... not ready for it, in many ways. Part of me wishes he hadn't badgered me into singing, but I'm also partly thankful. I don't want to be there and at the same time I really do. It's going to be difficult. I let him and Rose ransack my closet and jewellery boxes yesterday to pick out what I should wear, because I told them I couldn't afford to buy anything new, and I didn't know what to wear. I let them have fun, via webcams and cell phones, and they've put together something I guess I'm okay wearing. I'll be in the same colour as the bride, though, and... I feel weird about that. They're having a semi-traditional Irish wedding, so she's going to wear blue, sky blue, so at least it'll be a different shade than the skirt they picked for me, but still.....
I went back to church today for the first time in two weeks. I didn't want to spend the energy to get ready and go, I was afraid of being around that many people, and I really had to psych myself up to get out of the house and go. I'm glad I went. They asked me to lead the singing again, and... when I'm singing, I feel really good inside. It isn't always the songs, because sometimes we sing some godawful songs, but something in the act of singing, the emotion it brings out in me, I don't know. I always find myself hoping they don't ask me to sing, because then I can skip out early and I don't have to interact with the service at all. But I always find myself saying yes when they ask, and feeling really good when I stand up there with the mic in my hand and feeling the music inside. It's so hard to explain... but I'm thankful for it....
*sighs*
I feel full of fail....