Life
I got my heart broken. Smashed actually at the risk of being dramatic.
I will be glad when the spontaneous crying stops. It's been more than a week and the icing on my cake was when my boss came to town to do my job review (which was outstanding) and made the mistake of asking if I was okay. I am operating on such an edge that someone asking that question and meaning it, did me in. It wasn't too bad...no wailing...just tears. The upside is my boss is brilliant and is leaving her current job and may go back to school for 1 semester to finish her counseling degree. So at lest I didn't look like a total moron.
I didn't use to cry much. I have never cried like this over anything. She taught me that emotions were okay and how to accept them. To bad she didn't teach me how to hit the kill switch for survival.
Just friends, a freeze, a break... because in her words she is fucked up right now. I wish I couldn't understand. Being angry with her would be easier, instead I am trying to make her feel better even though my heart is hamburger sitting in a vat of salt. Why does that have to be my first response?
I realized the reason I am so devastated by this is that in essence this is the first time, real me has been in love. Finally, I was able to be me completely with someone. It was an amazing feeling. I don;t trust easily and she managed to disassemble all the walls. We worked hard on communications, building the trust, it was not always fun but we built a strong foundation...or was it a mirage?
I am trying to stop scrambling and be the friend she needs. Because she does so need one. We are different in that when the world falls in on us I would draw close to the one I love most. She doesn't or can't because of our situation I am also a source of pain... the one thing in an world out of control right now that she has control over. Long distance sucks.
If only the heart would be sensible and fall for the easier choices not the hardest ones.
I will be glad when the spontaneous crying stops. It's been more than a week and the icing on my cake was when my boss came to town to do my job review (which was outstanding) and made the mistake of asking if I was okay. I am operating on such an edge that someone asking that question and meaning it, did me in. It wasn't too bad...no wailing...just tears. The upside is my boss is brilliant and is leaving her current job and may go back to school for 1 semester to finish her counseling degree. So at lest I didn't look like a total moron.
I didn't use to cry much. I have never cried like this over anything. She taught me that emotions were okay and how to accept them. To bad she didn't teach me how to hit the kill switch for survival.
Just friends, a freeze, a break... because in her words she is fucked up right now. I wish I couldn't understand. Being angry with her would be easier, instead I am trying to make her feel better even though my heart is hamburger sitting in a vat of salt. Why does that have to be my first response?
I realized the reason I am so devastated by this is that in essence this is the first time, real me has been in love. Finally, I was able to be me completely with someone. It was an amazing feeling. I don;t trust easily and she managed to disassemble all the walls. We worked hard on communications, building the trust, it was not always fun but we built a strong foundation...or was it a mirage?
I am trying to stop scrambling and be the friend she needs. Because she does so need one. We are different in that when the world falls in on us I would draw close to the one I love most. She doesn't or can't because of our situation I am also a source of pain... the one thing in an world out of control right now that she has control over. Long distance sucks.
If only the heart would be sensible and fall for the easier choices not the hardest ones.