Guys, this is for you all men....

May 19, 2006 01:34

1) Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the
erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying
by the hour and trying to get your money's worth
by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate
kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love
this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if
you're trying to extinguish the candles on your
50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to
your chin which you rake repeatedly across your
partner's face and thighs. When she turns her
head from side to side, it's not passion, it's
avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for
ripeness when they get their hand on a pair.
Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then
clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body
via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They
can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them
gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good.
Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples
between finger and thumb like you're trying to find
a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole
breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER
BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs:
Breastville East and West, and the Midtown
Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which
you've ignored far too often as you go bombing
straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying
them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can
result in tangled
fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that
aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things
off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You
wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate
your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left
off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one
very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going
at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will
look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck
over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present,
not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very
sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs
and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without
maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's
all at. No sooner is your hand down there than
you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a
chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not
careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's
best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the
exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a
finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing
massage to get her in the mood. Hands and
fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at
least made some move toward getting your stuff
off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst.
Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the
worst thing you can do is pump away like an
industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an
assembly-line worker made obsolete by your
technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight,
regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her
thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of
horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before
you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you
have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour
without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to
her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At
least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she
has something to hold her interest while you're
playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women
make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get
your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on
gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her
clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-
penis, hoping that it
will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women
hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged
to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her
mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT SHAVING PT.2
Men seem to like women to be shaved down
below. That's fine. But women like that too. That
doesn't mean you have to shave it bare (although,
that would be nice), but at least keep it neat and
trimmed. There's nothing that turns a girl off more
than looking at a penis sticking out of a forest.

26) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white.
Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral
sex, warn her before you come so she can do
what's necessary.

27) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio.
You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.

28) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN
MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when
men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means
more laundry to do.

29) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there
grunting while she does all the hard work is not.
Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so
much like the captain of a schooner. And let her
have a rest.

30) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being
able to follow directions. If you want to put it there,
ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an
excuse.

31) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?"
she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At
least let her have custody of them.

32) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on
her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off.
Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy
props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no
no.

33) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST
HERS.
There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a
belching contest.

34) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but
unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too
ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual
partner with snapped hamstrings.

35) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for
men because they have a prostate. Women don't.

36) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on
the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No
woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and
jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

37) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a
megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

38) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor
calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let
you know.

39) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you
get it right, and she might even do the same for
you.

40) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you
lie on her a bit too
heavily, she will turn blue.

41) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you.
Your
bedroom is not a soup kitchen.
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