(no subject)
Do you ever sit and wonder how life became so complicated? The process of growing up seems a bit simplistic and fast paced. When you're a child loving someone or somthing comes as natural as the change in seasons. Why then as each season passes, the phrase "forgive and forget" becomes extremely difficult? Is it because we;re not as nieve as before or is it socity that has changed our views, morals, and values? Being able to love someone with no resrictions appears to be more than a slight ripple in the wave of life. Is it the hearbreak that molded my heart to be so cold? Nature has it's own way of showing you that obstacles are much more simipler than what you orginally thought. The sun will coninue to shine, and the rain will continue to pour. In a febble attempt not to sound incrediably cheesey and clique, I'd like to add the first thing that comes to my mind when i hear "love", sadly enough, is "pain". Pain, more of an experience than a feeling really, I can seem to feel it growing inside of me, inside the void where my heart should be. Perception is Reality.
Looking back, as I often do, the bad times outweighed the good, more often than i would like to admitt. Since we're being perfectly honest, the entire relationship was over-weighted with bad memories....that i can't seem to let go of....eventhough my will to forgive is strong. My will to forget is not, I never want to forget the things he put me through. Some people think I'm holding onto the pain because I can't let go. When in reality, I hold on because the stuggles that i went through, the endless deception...which has seemed to rule over most of the things in my life, should not be forgotten. The life lessons that I will take with me forever, are learned through experience not through something you read in text.
The days that i realize that it is me who makes my life so difficult are the same days I realize I don't hate him.....I only want him to be happy.
How pathetic does that sound? Throughout everything that he has caused me....in the end, i just want him to be happy. I guess I can say that because i don't honestly think he ever will. His poor soul will be forever in debt to the things he leaves behind, which with him....is everything he's ever cared about.
I believe that some people come into your life to teach you something....or a few things....a lesson. They are meant to leave....and the more you hold on the longer you delay their exit. Entrance is the easy part....it's the holding on and letting go that is the worst.
Listening or "being there" rather, for people was never a problem for me....because I can sit here for hours with lines of comfort to feed into people's brains....things they want to hear, but mostly things they need to hear.I wish that someone could understand my dellusional thought pattern and my qsemi-psycho tendences to zone out.
I do that alot, zoning out that is, not because I'm not interested in what people have to say...but more so that i have so much running through my head that i could talk for hours. But I don't...I don't talk to people about my problems because they never understand....I can't seem to make people understand how I think. Possibly because I, myself, do not even understand it. I wish I didn't have to explain things....I wish that I could talk to someone that could just understand me. But finding someone else that is as dellusional as me, is simply put...impossible. Or so I thought.
Like the truth. There is nothing I hate worse than a liar.
lies are contageous and infectious. Lying about feelings, to me, is the worst thing you could do to a person.
When someone asks you for your personal opinion, or your personal thoughts or feelings....why would you lie? Why would anyone lie? A lie makes it not yours....not your own something factory-made.....repetative and unecessary. something cruel.
i write because i can't seem to talk about it....i write because now it's the final step in admitting it's real.
Looking back, as I often do, the bad times outweighed the good, more often than i would like to admitt. Since we're being perfectly honest, the entire relationship was over-weighted with bad memories....that i can't seem to let go of....eventhough my will to forgive is strong. My will to forget is not, I never want to forget the things he put me through. Some people think I'm holding onto the pain because I can't let go. When in reality, I hold on because the stuggles that i went through, the endless deception...which has seemed to rule over most of the things in my life, should not be forgotten. The life lessons that I will take with me forever, are learned through experience not through something you read in text.
The days that i realize that it is me who makes my life so difficult are the same days I realize I don't hate him.....I only want him to be happy.
How pathetic does that sound? Throughout everything that he has caused me....in the end, i just want him to be happy. I guess I can say that because i don't honestly think he ever will. His poor soul will be forever in debt to the things he leaves behind, which with him....is everything he's ever cared about.
I believe that some people come into your life to teach you something....or a few things....a lesson. They are meant to leave....and the more you hold on the longer you delay their exit. Entrance is the easy part....it's the holding on and letting go that is the worst.
Listening or "being there" rather, for people was never a problem for me....because I can sit here for hours with lines of comfort to feed into people's brains....things they want to hear, but mostly things they need to hear.I wish that someone could understand my dellusional thought pattern and my qsemi-psycho tendences to zone out.
I do that alot, zoning out that is, not because I'm not interested in what people have to say...but more so that i have so much running through my head that i could talk for hours. But I don't...I don't talk to people about my problems because they never understand....I can't seem to make people understand how I think. Possibly because I, myself, do not even understand it. I wish I didn't have to explain things....I wish that I could talk to someone that could just understand me. But finding someone else that is as dellusional as me, is simply put...impossible. Or so I thought.
Like the truth. There is nothing I hate worse than a liar.
lies are contageous and infectious. Lying about feelings, to me, is the worst thing you could do to a person.
When someone asks you for your personal opinion, or your personal thoughts or feelings....why would you lie? Why would anyone lie? A lie makes it not yours....not your own something factory-made.....repetative and unecessary. something cruel.
i write because i can't seem to talk about it....i write because now it's the final step in admitting it's real.